Marriage

Monday, at 12:30 pm MST, I got married.  I'm still a bit in shock.  I can't believe that someone, let alone B, would want to marry me.  I know, I know, I'm wonderful; however, it's always weird when you fought for something for so long and never got it and it finally comes about.  Now, I'm Mrs. Wilks.  I guess I shouldn't be so surprised.  B's been in love with me for 12 years and asked me to marry him 5 years ago... the first time.  Yet, I'm still in shock and still cannot believe that it's happened.  I really can't wait to move to Colorado.  The last 10 days were the best 10 days in my life.  Yeah, ever, including the 6 months I had with Gary so long ago.  I can honestly say that without a hint or doubt of remorse or lying.  I honestly cannot wait to start married life.  I'm not lookin forward to the year he will be in Afghanistan, but that is the Army life and I'll deal with it like I've dealt with a lot worse.

I'm not looking forward to cleaning up after B, but then again I can't wait to cook for him.  After making him breakfast many times, I know he'll really like my dinners and desserts.  I can't wait to have my cooking bring forth a positive response.  I know that is a bit weak sounding but for too long my cooking received no praise or appreciation despite the fact that I did my best and came up with many awesome recipes on my own.  I'm just glad that no matter how quickly or slowly the Army processes our paperwork, I'll be in Colorado in early March at the latest.  I'm hoping for mid February though.  I really can't wait to move there.  Not only to be with B, but cuz it's so much better than Texas.

Oops

So my sister has been acting fishy. My parents have been coming to me asking what is going on with her. There are two reasons for this. One: They know she talks to me. Two: They know I have a big mouth and if you ask me enough I will spill the beans. Nevertheless, after being "drilled" by my parents, I finally talked to them. Plus the entire situation is pretty stupid. I know that I probably shouldn't have said anything as it's not really my place, but at the same time I'm sick of being in the middle. I guess you guys expect the break down.

A little background: I am the oldest of four. There is my baby sister, who is my sister by blood. There is my middle sister, sister by marriage. And lastly, my baby brother, also by marriage. I've known my middle sister and baby brother since my brother was 2, so they are truly my brother and sister. Our childhoods' were not easy, none of them. But I think I can honestly say that the younger two had it much easier than me and my middle sister. We're the oldest of our respective blood families and as such took the brunt of our respectful parents' wraths. Not only did I personally deal with my mother's wrath, which was uncontrolled in earlier years, but I was abused by my biological father as well. My baby sister, on the other hand, did not suffer under our biological father's hands and got it much easier from mom. As I told my parents today, I feel that mom was closer to my baby sister than do me and I always felt that my baby sis was her favorite of us two. I can't speak on behalf of my middle sis, but I'm sure she felt the same of her baby brother. Now, mom is medicated and things are much better.

Mom now seems to favor my middle sis & baby brother, but I can see things from her perspective there too. She is probably trying to make up for how she treated them early on when our family was first melted together and as we grew up. Like I said, mom was pretty wrathful then. So when my baby sister starts going on about the abuse she has gone through from our mother, I got upset. I still do. I really get pissed, and I mean pissed, when she goes on about our biological father abuses. HE DIDN'T ABUSE YOU!!!! Like I wrote in another blog, I don't like using abuse as an excuse for being stupid. She's now using supposed abuses against her to keep her daughter from my parents and with that says "I'm not trying to punish dad but mom blah blah blah." It varies from conversation to conversation.  I don't like listening to her about this and I think my niece deserves much more than she's getting right now.  I'm not going to dwell too much but I will continue to be upset as this progresses.  I'll also update you guys about it as well.

OMG!!!

Ok... I'm extremely happy

I can't believe that the man that I would kick to flirt with back when I was 16, cuz I liked him, likes me, and wants to marry me and I am ACTUALLY going to marry him.  I can't believe that he wants to marry me after everything that I've put him through and after everything I've been through.  He knows all I've been through, both good, bad and ugly.  He knows so much about me that the fact he WANTS to marry me (in and of itself) freaks me out.  I can't believe that I actually have my BA in anything, let alone English ( though it was ALWAYS my strongest subject).

The fact that GOOD things are coming about has me so freaked out that I have NO fucking idea how to act.

I love him.  I really do. Despite the fact that I have my own version of cold feet, he still wants to marry me. I'm glad. But then my doubts take over. How in the world can ANYONE really love ME!!!! Seriously.... I am a bitch. I'm a cunt. I'm fucking bi-fucking-sexual for Christ sake. Yet he loves me.  I've been sexually abused.  I have "daddy issues" and my biological mother is a bitch who any sane person would hate.  I love her though, none the less.  She's the female version of Peter Griffin.  Don't just take my word for it, my friends agree.  She doesn't know better than to act the way she does.  Though ignorance is rarely an excuse, I allow it for her.  She is the woman that is half responsible for my presence on this planet.  By horrid biological father is the other half.  My loving honey is one of the reasons that I haven't done something stupid...

But I'm freaking out!!! Who knew that I could get my bachelors in anything?  Who knew that someone would actually marry me?  Who knew that I could accomplish anything that I set my mind to?

I couldn't, I can't.... I'm freaking out

Then I'm wondering why in the world is CR and his friends not showing up in all the usual places.  NONE of them were at the Aesop Rock show.  None have been at the bar on any of the occasions I've been since October.  October was the last time I talked to CR.  I don't care what's goin on with CR but at the same time, it's really weird that they would all suddenly NOT show up at underground hip-hop shows and the bars that they ALL used to run.  This, however, is contrary to what I knew prior to meeting any of them.  Prior, I would go to Cave's and would not meet any of them.  How am I sure you ask? Cuz Tito is a mixed dude with a 'hawk, that's how.  So not seeing any of them at the bar is really fucking weird.  I don't mind the calm, but not seeing any of them is just beyond weird!  It's like going to work every day and then suddenly your boss isn't coming in and the only explanation you get is they're on a different shift, but really they're not cuz you rotate shifts and see that they are never there.  It makes me worry, especially after the last time I ran into any of that crew.  One person told me that don't give two shits what happened to CR and the other told me they were more worried about CR then they were about their speed habit.  I'm not really worried about CR, but I don't want him & his friends avoiding where they would like to hang out (cuz that's where drinks are cheapest and closet to where any of them live) because of me.  I know I have a HUGE ego but not like that.

Ok, I'm much more comfortable that things are going well for me.  I'm really  not used to things going well for me.  If you've read some of my old blogs, you know that not everything has been easy.  But I know that we're all due good things eventually.  I can only hope that those old nightmares will NEVER come true.  That way I can have my "happily ever after" and still live in reality.

Please pray for us.  I know that sounds weird coming from me, however, I am a praying individual.  Please pray for us, especially if you know our complete situation

Mmmm My Foot Tastes Good

Not sure what happened

With where that conversation went

But I want you to know

I will always be there for you

When it counts

When the chips are actually on the table

Not when you are pulling a bluff

And everyone calls you on it

I will always have your back

And will always be at your side

Whether figuratively 

Or metaphorically

But I just can't call bluffs

I can't bluff 

Even to save my own hide

And if I could, I think my credibility 

Would be completely shot

So please

Don't be mad

Don't hold my loose tongue

Against me

Realize that if I were there

And able to see all that happened

I would have kept

My trap that has sunk

My battleship many times

Shut tighter than the seams 

Of my waterproof tent

I'd much rather 

Not say a word

Than upset you

Because I like the taste

Of my own foot

Veteran's Day Blog/Rant (Don't F with Vets)

It is Veteran's Day. A day to thank those who have served this country and remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice. I posted my thanks on Twitter today, asking others to thank a vet for their service and received some very rude comments from @Ray_Peterson, the first being "Vets protect the interests of the wealthy and the powerful. They do it because it is their paid job" and followed it with "Vets are the paid company cops of the wealthy & powerful." Like I told him, he obviously never served this country and he obviously has no understanding of what the military really is. We are all aware that it is run by a corrupt government; however, we don't blame the troops, we support them. They enlisted for various reasons. Some joined because of a family tradition of service. Others join because they just want to serve their country. Some join because they know no other means out of their poor economic circumstances. Others join for the enlistment bonus, whatever it may be. But all have done one thing that many will or would never do, and that is try. They go in and do the best they can, whether they make it a career or are hurt during basic training/boot camp. They did their part to the best of their ability to serve this great nation, to no longer take for granted the freedoms most of us do not think about but when they are violated. All who serve make sacrifices. Whether it is the comfort of home, job opportunities in the civilian world, a limb, or their life, they sacrifice to make sure that each of us can go to bed at night knowing that we still can worship whatever god we want, say pretty much anything we want, including bashing and belittling those who have served.

I know that some of our rights have been infringed on. The Patriot Act is one of the worse bills ever passed, and it violates so many of our rights. However, this is NOT the doing of the soldiers, it is the government. There is a difference and obviously some people are too narrow-minded to distinguish the difference between government and the military. I can only pray that one day their eyes will be opened to see that there is a difference.

With all that, don't fuck with a vet on Veteran's Day. I'm a vet myself, I was in the Army in 1999, got multiple stress fractures in both feet and in my right knee cap. I do not go on long tangents about my service because there are so many others who have served longer and done more for this country than I could ever do. I would never take back my time in the Army, I loved almost every minute of it. The parts I don't love is a blog for another time, and probably will never happen. But even when I was in high school, and a raging anti-government, anti-war pacifist kid, I NEVER disrespected the vets. I know what the Vietnam vets went through upon coming home from a war that no one agreed with. I don't agree with Iraq and Afghanistan has gone down hill and we need to restructure, but I would NEVER bash those that fight. They do what they are told. If you bash a vet, you bash me and many of my friends. Since my feet are pretty much all better (still can't run though), if you got something to say, say it to my face... Yeah, see what happens.

Music Rant

So today I was talking with a guy in my literary theory class about the underground hip-hop scene in Colorado. Not sure even how it came about, but I had recently noticed that some of the groups and artists that I follow go through there ALOT. Well I say that there is a decent scene there and this dude, who established a couple years ago in another class that he was into metal, decides that he suddenly knows something about the underground scene here and in Colorado. He starts going on about how there is a scene there but the scene here in the Dallas area is way bigger. I counter that I was in the scene due to my ex (thank you soooooooo much Chris for that) and the scene is almost nonexistent. His counter "oh no, the scene here is bigger, what do you call that 'dance party' show that is broadcast in several states?" I looked at him with a look that was a mix of contempt and disbelief.... "You mean the show where they play only songs that are played on the radio? That ain't underground dude, that's mainstream bullshit," I said. He ignored my response and kept on about how he lived in Colorado and there is this scene and that scene, but not a hip-hop scene. I told him then how do explain Lyrics Born being their for 3 different shows this month alone, or Sage Francis being there about once a year when he hasn't been to Dallas (which according to him is one of the hubs, the other is Houston, of the "underground" scene)? His only retort then was that he lived there and KNEW. Yeah, sure dude, you know about something that you have absolutely NO experience in. Sure, you know, sure.

Well, I at least know better. Too bad though I don't live near Providence, RI... I know I missed an awesome freakin show tonight. Many may not know this about me, but I love goin to shows. I promised B though I'd lay off the mosh pits. I do need to get to a good metal/rock show too, but I've been to a rock show since the last time I've been to a hip-hop show and it's a totally different vibe.

Anywho! So I come home and I'm sitting here doing homework. I take a study break and add a couple artist I hadn't previously, like Buck 65, and the new group I was told about Saturday, Doomtree, who I just found out has this guy Cecil Otter in it who's on Strange Famous Records as a solo artist... So I get this add, which I get bands adding me from time to time since about 2/3 of my friends are bands. I do give each band add a chance, but I only listen to 2 tracks and I listen only about 1-2 minutes in. Well, I click on the profile and I'm greeted to what sounds like a crappy MIDI file. The guy's bio says "If you listen to the radio, you've heard my style." First of all, on the rare occasion I do listen to the radio, I know for a fact, I haven't heard your style, well not since the first music files were on computers. Secondly, you sound like shit! Yeah... I've heard MIDI files sound better. So, I denied him. But not just cuz it sounded bad, but cuz he referenced the radio like he did. That's not to say the radio is bad, however, the commercialization of music has made much of it lose something. I'm so glad that Radiohead doesn't get the radio play that some think they deserve. I'll agree, everyone should listen to Radiohead, but with that type of hype, certain things are expected of you and they are not good. I like Radiohead, and all the others I listen to, just the way they are.

And by popular request, here is a quick list of some of the artist that are on my iPod. Check them out and if you have a suggestion for something new I might like, please leave me a comment!

Sage Francis

Soundgarden

Alice in Chains

Doomtree

Lyrics Born

Type O Negative

Horrorpops

Atmosphere

Aceyalone

Murs

Aesop Rock

Static X

System of a Down

Buck 65

Tool

Johnny Cash

Nine Inch Nails

Anjulie

Audioslave

Bad Acid Trip

Gorillaz

Beyonce (*snicker*)

Bjork

Tricky

PJ Harvey

Massive Attack

Portishead

Blackalicious

Bloodhound Gang

Qwel

Blue October

Bush

Busdriver

Saul Williams

Non-prophets

Cake

Collective Soul

The Cure

The Cult

Guns N Roses

Stone Roses

Flobots

Gift of Gab

Incubus

Korn

Marilyn Manson

Lacuna Coil

Live

Machine Head

Subtle

Doseone

Pantera

Pharcyde

Pink

Prodigy

Radiohead

The Roots

Seven Dust

Slipknot

Anticon

Sneakerpimps

Soul Coughing

Eels

Spacehog

Tears for Fears

Toad the Wet Sprocket

Tori Amos

Ani DiFranco

A Tribe Called Quest

Typical Cats

Visionaries

Living Legends

2Mex

Awol One

311

All American Rejects

B. Dolan

Dead Milkmen

Lords of Acid

This is not everything, but a lot of it. Check it out, make some recommendations. I like all kinds, even weird stuff like Ween (those guys are hilarious!).

Shootin Stars

I can't sleep

Once again

Insomnia

Homework

Stress

Whatever the reason

I step out

Barefoot

Dew on the ground

I stand in the yard

Staring at the sky

Curled in my jacket

The wind is cool

But not actually cold

I just like how the fleece

Feels wrapped around me

And I locate stars I know

But the city lights

Even at 4 am

Have overwhelmed

All but the brightest

Venus

Mercury

Orion

The Moon

And along the Belt's arc

A thin line of brillance

Archs

Orange

White in the center

And as soon as it showed

It fades into the lights

A shooting star

The second in so many weeks

And I make my same wish

One that I know will come true

I wish for this

So instead of a dream

It becomes fact

How many more shootin stars

Will I see

Before it becomes reality?

Enough to ensure

Dreams become reality

When I'm Alone

Ready for these daydreams
To become reality
And start the grand adventure
I've only dreamed

I can't believe
This is real
That someone would
Stick by me

Yet it's true
And a bit surreal
But I wouldn't have
It any other way

When you're near
It's heaven
And when we're apart
I look to the stars

The one constant
Over us both
Over the years
The stars

The moon smiles
And the stars blink
And they do the same
Over both of us as we sleep

When I'm feeling lonely
And need reassurance
I just go outside
And look above

I know that Orion
Is in about the same spot
Over your head
As he's over mine

And Venus hangs out
With the Moon and Mars
Whether over me
Or over you

So even when
We can not talk
And there is a mandatory silence
We've got the stars & moon

Circles (Past, Present, Future) [Revision of previous poem]

I find this circle
We are in
Beautiful

10 years ago
Things were much different
We were younger
Dumber
Blind

Then I did what I did
And it couldn't be undone
But I don't think I would
Even if I could
The experience
Was worth the tragedy
That shaped my adult life
In so many ways

Yet I knew it was just part
Of this long journey
That loops around itself
Never completing a true circle
But almost
Like the retrograde activities
Of Venus and Mars
Even including that great elliptical
Trip around the sun

I haven't told
But three souls
That I feel
This intense
This truly
For you

Not for a lose so long ago
Not for the him
The one who caused me
To break your heart in two
And made me happier
Than anyone
Except you

I don't expect
You to believe me
But you can accept
The words that I say

This beautiful circle
That's spun around
Like the Maya calendar
One ending
Is another beginning
And here we are
10 years later

I really can't expect
You to truly believe
That I love you
But I do
And I have
And I will

See and that was so long ago
Things happen
Tragic events that wound
But wounds heal

Time moves on
Washing away
The pains
And even some memories
Looping back around again
Close to the original spot
But not quite

Five years ago
The orbits didn't line up
The circle wasn't quite right
And here we are
A third time
I'm calling it
Our 2012

Past, Present, Future

I haven't told
But 3 souls
That I feel
This intense
About you
And not him

Yes...

HIM

The one that caused me
To break your heart in two
Yet made me happier
Than anyone
But you

I don't expect
You to believe me
That you can accept
The words that I say

I can't expect
For you to even believe
That I love you
At all

But I do
And I have
And I will

The truth
Can you see?
It's not so cut and dry
Yes
I had happiness there
But we're in the now

Now...
The present
The future
Not the past!

Simply put
We are in the now
We are meant to be
More than I can say
For ANYONE else
Not HIM
Not tools of time
But now and forever

A Small Rant Continued

So many of you saw the response I got for my blog titled "A Small Rant." Well homegirl emailed me this morning, after posting an insane amount of comments on my link to this blog and then posting 31+ status updates, which I later noticed were exactly what she posted on my link comments. I'm not going to include what she said, cuz it pretty much was a continuation of all that she posted last night. I emailed her back and the following is my response back:

I did look at your posts. I'm no where near ashamed of my faith, I'm a warrior for Christ. My job is to go out and kick evils butt, not preach. God gives us each gifts and expects us to use them. My being a warrior gives me a unique oppertunity to reach people without shoving my faith down their throats. What you have posted has possibly turned more people away from Christ than brought to him. Then who is worse, the one scaring off more than they bring to God or the one who allows God to bring people across their path to reach out to?

Don't get me wrong, we are to bring people to Christ, I'm aware of the great commision, but we do so within our gifts.

This is the last I'm saying on the issue as I have more important things to do than debate religion with you on the Internet. Don't take that the wrong way, I just don't see the point of this other than you wanting to be right. You are mistaken on many points in your posts, but I won't go into that as I don't have time. I've got work and school.

Tale care

Christina

Jumping Conclusions

I'm at war with my mind

Trying to convince it

That nothing is wrong

Though all it does

Is jump from

Boiling vat to boiling vat

Of ill conceived conclusions

Based only on tidbits

That have seeped

Into the crevasses of my mind

And began to grow

Into weeds

Spurring

Negativity

Either your way

Or mine

Not allowing the peace of mind

That should be there

Silence makes them grow more

The not knowing

Is like rain and light to them

And so the conclusions

Jump

From boiling vat to boiling vat

Spreading unease

As they dribble onto the floor of my mind

I'm trying to ignore it

There is no need to pay attention

I know that everything

Will be ok

But I see those drops on the floor

I must clean it up

And then see the tidbits of doubts

And self loathing

Jumping between the vats

Make them stop!

A Small Rant

I want to preface this blog with the fact that I am, by the definition of the term, a Christian. I, however, am not a "Bible thumper" or one to push my beliefs done other people's throats. I may on occasion speak of spiritual things, but I do my best to keep the religious aspect out of what I'm saying as what I'm trying to say could be applied to almost any religion.

That being said, I am sick and tired of all the posts I have to see on Facebook and on Twitter about how "God is good" and "save your soul" stuff. I am sure that many of these are people's way of comforting themselves, but there are better ways to do this than quoting lengthy Bible verses and preaching at your friends. God wants us to reach out to those around us, but I don't think He wants us to shove Him down everyone's throats 24 hours a day! I think that Bible verses should be saved for those who call into question beliefs and principles of our faith. We should save them for personal conversations where we are addressing a particular individual's circumstances. God provides for us what to say in those situations. If you read a post of mine that seems some what spiritual, it's because I can sense that someone needs to hear such things, but I'm not going to proselytise to everyone on my friends/followers lists.

I love that I have so many friends and followers online, but I would never make them feel uncomfortable on purpose. I know that I do go on my ghost/spirit activity but, like I said, I try to be as general as possible since that spiritual activity happens no matter what your religious beliefs are, most religions believe in spirits/ghosts.

So that's my rant. Hope I didn't offend anyone.

100 Things! (31-40)

Again, sleepless, plus I am hoping that writing a small blog will get my fingers moving to type up this paper that I'm so stuck on. So, here we go:

31) I am prone to ear infections. Obviously, since I just got over one. I'm also prone to sinus infections (still getting over that). I am not sure why I am prone to these, but I always have (even before I started smoking).

32) I smoked for 12 years. I started in June of 1997. I put them down recently. Ok, I put them down the night before my trip to see B (love you dear!). Why? Cuz I made a promise to myself I'd quit when I graduate, and since B doesn't smoke, it seemed the perfect opportunity to put try not smoking. It's worked so far.

33) I like to cuss. I used be told I cussed worse than a sailor. It's not that bad anymore, too many kids around me, but I still can cuss up a blue streak. I can't help it. You should hear me during a Bears game.

34) The first video game I ever beat was Super Mario Brothers. The second game I ever beat was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The third game was one of the Sonic games. The next game I beat was Final Fantasy X... It's a bit sad really, lol.

35) I am under the impression that my biological father may have other children besides my baby sister and myself. I would not put it past him.

36) I repeat myself, a lot. I am not sure why I do. Maybe it's the fact that I've always had to But when you come from a family like mine, you don't get heard and have to repeat yourself. B doesn't seem to mind... yet, lol.

37) There are two names I hate to be called and they are "retarded" and "pussy." I am neither, but got called retarded enough growing up due to my emotional outbursts. I got called a pussy regularly when I got out of the Army. There are only a few people I can tolerate it from and that's because I know that they are truly playing and not trying to hurt my feelings.

38) Besides those, call me what ever names you want. I've developed a pretty thick skin over the years and it's a good thing cuz I like people with what appear to be "mean" senses of humor lol. My good friends all like to show they care by picking on each other. I don't mind one bit.

39) I obviously have issues with insomnia. I have for most of my life. I do my best though to keep my sleep issues from bothering those I live with. However, occasionally I am not very good at that and have been known to text people at 3 am occasionally or make too much noise. But it's such a rare occasion that I think I should be forgiven for them.

40) And despite my sleep issues, I do love to sleep! I can sleep for a good 10+ hours if I have nothing else to do. This is why I like to have a job (see #20). When I have work, I don't have any reason to just lay there and sleep, lol.

100 Things! (21-30)

So, since I can't sleep, I'll continue my 100 Things blog series. Some of this stuff you guys know. I'm hoping that somewhere I'll enlighten you though.

21) My biggest fear is mirrors in the dark. The dark doesn't bother me. Mirrors don't bother me. But you put a mirror in a dark room, like a bathroom, and I won't go in til the light is on. It's a spiritual thing, leave me be.

22) I repeat myself, a lot. I am not sure why I do. Maybe it's the fact that I've always had to But when you come from a family like mine, you don't get heard and have to repeat yourself. B doesn't seem to mind... yet, lol.

23) I also state the obvious, a lot. For some reason I find it necessary to tell people what is plainly in front of them or is, well, obvious. I think it stems from my penchant for being a know it all, lol.

24) I have a large family. I have one "blood" sister, but also have a step-sister and brother that I've known so long that I call them my brother and sister. My mom has 3 sisters who each have 2-3 kids. My grandma has a sister who has numerous kids and they all have multiple kids. I know most of them and am close to them, to one degree or another. My step-dad (dad) has a sister and a brother and they each have 2-3 kids that I'm not as close to. But that's still a lot of family members.

25) My mother is absolutely insane! Seriously! I have memories that would blow your mind, but I won't go there. Let's just leave it at, I'm the way I am mostly due to my mom. My biological father is the root of some, but my mom is the reason for the majority of my issues. I love her though, she has shaped me.

26) My dad is actually one of the quietest, and possibly craziest, people I know. He's been with my mom for 20+ years and dealt with all her insanity. He's always sat back and taken in what goes on in this house. But he's also one of the most insightful people in my life.

27) I'm typically not a very "feminine" woman. I like football, ok sports in general, really baggy clothes, beer, whiskey, and just being "one of the guys." However, there are certain people that bring out the more "feminine" side of me. These people know who they are.

28) I believe that gender isn't as black and white as male and female. There are shades of grey in between. I'm one of them. What I'm talking about is not sexuality, it's gender. The roles that have been dictated to us as we grew up only fit the black and white edges of the spectrum.

29) I'm a HUGE Chicago Bears fan. I can't completely explain it. My grandma says she was into them in the early 80s as they were "America's Team." Add in my childhood hero of Punky Brewster's show took place in Chicago, I think that may be it.

30) I love school. I love going to class, taking notes and doing homework. As much as I complain, I love it all.

100 Things! (1-20)

My buddy on Twitter ImWendy has been doing a blog on 100 things about her and it inspired me to do the same thing here about me! Yeah, I'm kooky like that, getting inspiration from others and all, lol.

So with out further ado:

1) I hate most condiments. It's easier to say what I will have. I like ketchup, barbecue sauce, cheese, and soy sauce. That's it for the most part. Well, there is cream cheese and italian dressing. Oh and I'll only eat ranch if it's the thick ranch just for veggie dipping.

2) If my partner has eaten mustard or mayo, I will not kiss them until they brush their teeth. I can smell it and it is nasty! You hear that B dear? I will not kiss you if you've had mayo or mustard! Oh and I won't touch it either. So yeah, no putting it on my honey's sandwich either. I won't open the bottle. That's something they have to do. The smell of mustard is actually worse than mayo, but both make me want to puke.

3) I will now admit that I love Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. Yes, I do.

4) My fiancee is my best friend of the last 12 years and we dated once when I was in the army. He's now in the Army and I'm a civilian.

5) When I was in high school, I swore up and down that everyone hated me, except B. He followed me around like a puppy dog drinking my coffee. He has since informed me that I was actually quite popular. I was... I thought about it and have had it reaffirmed repeatedly through the planning of my 10 year reunion. Wow, there are too many people that know me, lol.

6) I love photography! I would love to be a professional one day, but I have more pressing dreams to pursue first.

7) When I was a girl I wanted to be a GI Joe, an astronaut, a writer, a ninja turtle, and teacher. The ninja turtle one is impossible, but I've been everything but the teacher (astronaut is figuratively).

8) I've been actively keeping journals and such since the third grade. I've been writing poetry and short stories since the 2nd. I love reading my old journals, stories, poems, and blogs. They bring me entertainment and sometimes make me angry at myself for being dumb.

9) I've been diagnosed as bipolar, OCD, and generalized anxiety disorder. The only one on my medical record is the GAD. This is because:

10) My shrink says that I am the most self aware person he has ever treated.

11) I hate shrinks and doctors. Usually they don't know what they're talking about.

12) I have no children of my own but have been known to call other people's kids my babies. One day I'll have my own, but not yet (and good thing too, I like my booze, lol). Actually, it's not the booze. I didn't want kids while I was doing my undergrad work, and have been lucky that I have not ended up with any.

13) I've been called every name in the book, dyke, fag, homo, bitch, butch, you name it, I've probably been called it. I don't fit a "feminine" model so therefore I'm pigeon holed. I don't fit in these holes either. The gender role dicotomy we live in is pathetic and is only hurting all of us.

14) I'm an avid reader when I'm not in school. I can easily read 50 books in a year. When I worked at Otto, I was reading about a book a week if not more. I did read alot of trash fiction, but then, I ran out of my own books to read and started reading the books floating around the office, lol.

15) I read Marvin Harris and Levi-Strauss for fun. I'm a nerd. That's all there is to that. We used to say in my Cultural Anthropology Theory class "What Would Marvin Harris Think?"

16) I love to cook! I love to invent in the kitchen. It's another outlet for my creativity, which seems to just ooze from me. However, I hate to clean up the kitchen. Ok, it's just the dishes. I hate doing dishes!!!! I'll do the floors, cabinets, stove, oven, name it, but I hate the dishes. Dishes are evil!

17) My ex's friends still think that my oldest niece is actually my kid, lol. Maybe it's because I've always been really close to that kid. She also looks and acts like me for the most part. Maybe it is that the child has my intellect. Maybe it's the fact they are dumb? I don't know exactly why but up till about a year ago, my ex believed she was too.

18) I am almost too open. I will tell perfect strangers intimate details about my life. It's not that I have an inability to keep my mouth shut it is that the need to tell these details seems to present itself. People have this thing about being very candid with me.

19) People will tell me the craziest stuff. I've had people confess to me some insane things over the years. Apparently I'm safe to talk to. I think I'm starting to get my old ability to talk anyone off the ledge. It's not 100% but hey, it's coming back.

20) I'm such a typical Capricorn! So much so, I was even born on a Saturday. Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, if you need it spelled out. I'm a workaholic and I will probably be climbing the walls after the first month I'm in CO and not working. I'll have to have a job pretty quickly, not just for my bills, but cuz I have to have a job. I'm also insanely stubborn and a natural leader.

Old Journal Entries Lead to Insite

I had a poem idea and didn't want to just post it. Well, I grabbed my newest journal that I bought in 2007. The first entry amused me. I'm going to post that first entry now, inserts of my own now will be in parenthesis.

Intro-ductory matters...

"Where to begin?" is a good question. Seeing as I've kept journals continuously until Gary passing in April 2000, I do not want to back track to far. However, I do want to make known certain facts that may help along the way.

1) I have a horrible knack for jumping to strange conclusions based on tidbits that are either very loosely related or not related at all, i.e. thinking Chris was on speed continuously (though in that time he was for the most part).

2) I used (to) not do anything impulsive AT ALL. I kept to the try & true paths I'd known. then I did something impulsive! Oh geesh, I have to watch myself!

3) I can see & hear spirits, I have prophetic dreams, and other spiritual gifts. I believe that my first born will save the world and I am a member of God's Army. (Though now that I think back, my first born is just the key to the salvation of the world, but I'm still a God Spawn)

4) When I'm single, I can be a "slut," however when I'm in a relationship I am very monogamous. (Despite my attraction to females, I would never have a threesome while in a relationship as it is cheating on my partner since I'd be with someone other than them, even with their consent.)

5) I've studied most major religions & grew up as a Baptist. When I was (around) four years old, I asked my mom if I could be a nun :). Now, if I attend church it is Catholic mass. {I practiced Wicca for (almost) over a decade.}

6) I'm in love with one of the sweetest (dumbest) guys ever. One day I hope to be Mrs. Ross (I'm going to be Mrs. Wilks, thank you very much!)!

7) I'm an Anthropology major at the University of Texas at Arlington. I love school and am (a) self-proclaimed nerd. (I'm now an English major and will be graduating in December.)

So, there you have some basic facts about me. Let's see though, I work at ********* as a receptionist, Chris and I have a wonderful furchild, Spitfire (I miss her!), and my 96 Taurus is haunted by a ghost named Anne Marie and she is a BITCH! (She really was)

My purpose in this journal is to keep an accurate record of things to come & dreams I have, since I do realize that I have a tendency to skew my own perception of things & my "mental condition" is usually to blame, even if I hate using that reason. Hopefully by keeping a journal I can capture the little wonderful things in life on paper and trap the bad.

7/6/2007 0945

Same day:

Quote in Celtic Myth & Magick by Edain McCoy

"Three things that foster high spirits: self-esteem, courting, drunkenness." -From The 33 Triads, ninth century

"What is title, what is treasure, What is reputation's care? If we lead a life of pleasure, Tis no matter how or where!" - Robert Burns

"Three excellent qualities in dress: style, comfort, durability." - From The 33 Triads, ninth century (And that's how I dress)

"For everything is sacred, poetry of heavenly nature is on these hills" -Islwyn

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious." -Albert Einstein

"Seek first the gifts of the spirit. And those of mankind will surely follow." -Matthew D. O'Reilly

"Ni bhionn an rath ach mar a mbionn an smacht" {There is no luck except where there is discipline.} -Irish Proverb

(Skip some, there are tons of quotes from this book)

"But to see her was to love her, Love but her, and love forever." -William Butler Yeats

*****"If you be too talkative, you will not be heeded, If you be too silent, you will not be regarded..." from The Book of Acaill

"Golden slumbers kiss your eyes, Smiles awake you when you rise..." -Thomas Dekker

1614 7/6/2007

To quote myself: "I've been fascinated however with how the words have been spilling from me. It is as someone who has starved or thirst and finally come across refreshment. There is so much I would love to express, but those are the words that escape me. To double back on myself, I think my unfamiliarity with my own hand is contributed to my heavy use of computers and the impersonal air of the typed word. Even more now than ever, one must find their voice in writing to distinguish them from the other impersonal type coming into the hands of the reader" (I'm so freaking brilliant at times, lol.)

My fave line I've read (that is so wrong I LOL'ed) is "As he's (Chris) said previously, he does not hold grudges." WTF?!?! He still held that lone kiss that no one saw against me til the day we called it quits. And the most fucked up thing in this journal is that I have a schedule of my approximate day and I have scheduled in "sex with Chris!" WTF! One should not have to put that into a schedule to keep a relationship going!

My conclusions after reading about a month's worth of entries in this journal that I wrote a brief poem in? Damn I was a dumb ass not to see that Chris was reading my journal back then. No wonder he didn't "remember" me telling him I had a miscarriage, cuz it wasn't written in that entry. What a dumb ass! What really gets me is how censored the journal is. How I would pussy foot around the real issues. They are addressed to some degree, but really I pussy footed around them to a degree that you can very well see the state of our relationship (not good).

To answer a question I asked in this journal on 7.25.07 "How do you prove to someone that your betrayal was an isolated incident? Or how do you show someone that you would never intentionally hurt them again?" Easy, if they truly love you, they will forgive you and move on. I know this for a fact now. I truly know what it is to not hold a grudge. If ANYONE had a right to hold a grudge against a transgression of mine, it's B, not Chris. I actually, truly, cheated on B in 99. All I did to Chris was accidentally kiss a guy when I was crying on his shoulder. But B forgave me and moved past it, way past it (considering he asked me to marry him the first time in 2004). The beauty of this entire situation is that I'm sure that without the troubles I went through with Chris, I would not be able to recognize that now. I would not be able to see how lucky I really am. B doesn't ever bring up that incident. Chris brought up that incident regularly.

I think what I'm getting at here, is that I knew I had grown as a person, but not to what extent until I opened this journal to write a brief poem in it. I am truly lucky!

I am Not a Happy Camper

I love my new iPhone, but I now do not love AT&T like I used to.

Thursday, I went in to upgrade my phone, and was most likely going to get the iPhone, but there was one thing that was very important to me, that I could send pictures via text message. Email doesn't work since I'm sending these pics to B. Do I need to explain that one? No? Good! I asked the sales rep, point blank, if I could send pictures via text on the phone. Her response was yes. Not "yes, but not yet" or "not yet, but you should be able to by the end of summer." Her answer was just "yes." I said good cuz my fiancee really likes to get pictures and emails is not an option. I went with the 3G since I have no need for video capabilities or an overly large memory and had a budget of $200 for phone and accessories. I got the phone home, loved it, but didn't even attempt to send my first pic via text message until last night at about 9 pm. I could not. So I went online and got the customer service number to ask AT&T about it. Customer service was closed and said that they would be closed on Sunday as well! That made me really angry as that meant I would have to go to a store to talk to someone, wasting gas.

I did my ranting online and found out that there were two law suits against AT&T about this. I mean my beat up old ass Razr can send pictures via text! Their best selling phone should be able to. According to Apples site, the phone is capable of doing this, but it's based on your cell phone provider. AT&T being the largest provider to the iPhone should have already had this in place.

Well this afternoon, I went to the AT&T store that I purchased my iPhone from and had to complain since the sales associate lied to me there. I talked to the "manager on duty" and he was nice enough, doing the whole acknowledging my complaints but not saying anything. I mean there really isn't much he can do since he doesn't have the information that I needed, i.e. when is MMS going to be available. I'm not sure what, if anything is going to happen to the sales rep. I then asked the manager how much it would be to cancel the line for my air card as I no longer use it, having wireless everywhere that I need to use my laptop. He tells me $120 after looking at my account. I said ok. But he then proceeds to tell me that if we changed the line to a family plan and add unlimited text, there would not be a cancellation fee and I could put the SIM card in one of my back up phones with a camera and send pics that way. I agree with it since it would save me about $30 a month over my current bill doing it that way.

I get home and put the SIM card from my air card into my Razr I was using before the iPhone. I send B an old pic that was still on my phone and it would not send. I look online and the text block was still on despite there being unlimited texting on the phone! I then had to go to the AT&T store again, but I wasn't about to go back to the Highlands store. That is the one I've been having all the trouble with. So I drove all the way to the Mansfield store where they are always very helpful. Russel, who helped me, was very nice and did the best he could for me. I told him everything that happened. We looked at my account and he took the text block off. We reset the Razr and tried to send a text again. Nothing. He tried to send a text to it. Nothing. He looked at my account again and the block had cleared. So he took out my SIM card and put in their demo card. The phone sent and received a message. We had to prove it wasn't the phone.

At this juncture he asks me if I would like a new SIM card. I told him that what I really wanted to do earlier was just cancel the line. The manager on duty at the other store told me it would be $120. Well, since we changed the plan two hours before, it is now $175 to cancel that line! I told him to do it. That line is now disconnected.

I'm calling the customer service line tomorrow and talking to them. It is not fair that I should be charged that much for a line that just got changed. There is a certain amount of time that you are allowed to change your mind and I believe it is longer than two hours! I also want to complain to someone that can actually do something other than nod at me about my troubles with the Highland store.

Honestly if you go to an AT&T store in the Arlington area, do NOT go to the Highland store on I20! Go to either the one in Mansfield or another corporate store. You also do not want to go to an authorized dealer. I only go to corporate stores.

Thanks for listening to me bitch all weekend guys!

No Words

I don’t think words

Could ever express

Exactly what goes on

In my mind

I hear how lucky I am

And I can’t express to them

How truly lucky I am

To have you

The one that I’ve hurt

The one that’s heard

Every woe and whine

And is there still

The one that forgave

My mistakes and still

Stayed by my side

And cared

How do you express

How lucky you are

Other than with clichés

Such as blessed

We’re not a cliché

But this is the epitome

Of my love story dreams

And then some

To have the one who truly

Deeply, madly, without a doubt

Loves me, completely

Not just my look

The one who holds onto

Every word, recalls things

I lost somewhere over time

That help console me

I really can’t express

Truly, how lucky I am

Words will always falter

But I am

I can't sleep

I can't sleep...

I can't say exactly why. I know that if I fell asleep my dreams would not be an issue, lol. However my mind is going a hundred miles per hour. There is tons to think about and ponder. Day dreams to explore...

I'm really excited about the future. I don't think I've been this excited in some time. And the excitement isn't just from obvious reasons; my visions, as it were, have been quite clear and things are looking good. Well, the path I've choosen is the correct one, and things aren't going to end up like that horrid nightmare I had for 18 months (or something like that, those who know, know) and was just a fear being presented in dream form. Visions generally come from dreams, but not all dreams, even nightmares, are visions. That one was a nightmare, and that is it.

But I'm allowed my fears. Fears are natural and normal. It is when those fears rule our lives that there is an issue. Fears can cause us to send out unwarrented negative energy. Negative energy can endanger others if left unchecked. I will not endanger others with my fears. I have checked them. I think part of the fear is the lack of control I will have over that situation. However, I can not control everything. I have to remind myself of that fact often. I sometimes forget. However, I take control of what I can, actually and in reality, control. Such things are: school, whether I work at a job I like/don't like, who and where I hang out, you know things that I can control... Things I can't control though are like if some fool shows up where I'm at, my boss decides to be a douche, or UTA screws me outta of a grade (which they've done similar crap in the past).

So basically what I think I'm trying to get at is that I couldn't be any happier. Well, I could, but that requires it to be December, lol. Let me rephrase then, I could not be any happier right now!

Me, Myself, and I

So like I said earlier today on Twitter and Facebook, I think I should write blogs based on the somewhat hilarious conversations in my head. So here is a sample, not the most brilliant but it's a reality, lol.

Me: I'm so happy!

Myself: Let's analyze why!

I: But happiness is fleeting *whine*

Myself: Stop whining fool! Let's see, is there a logical reason for your happiness, Me?

Me: I think so, B is pretty cool. And not only is there the entire B thing, but also school.

Myself: Logic dictates that these are not chemically based emotions.

Me: Yes, and I'm not showing any of the normal "maniac" signs, like over or under eating or staying up late.

Myself: Nor signs of a chemical depression, such as the eating thing and over sleeping.

I: But what about... *sniffle*

Me & Myself: Shut up!

Me: Yes, I've noticed this as well.

I: The other shoe will drop, you'll see!

Myself: "The other shoe" is only a metaphor for your predisposition towards pessimism and melancholy, they didn't say they called you "Joy because she brings Misery" without reason hun.

I: Be nice! Misery was a friends nickname!

Myself: And what you projected walking amongst people in high school.

I: You don't love me!

Myself: What in the world are you talking about?

Me: Guys please, I'm trying to concentrate.

I: It's always you, you, you. What about me?

Myself: Oh brother here we go again!

I: What does that mean? It's always about her! I need attention.

Myself: You need a lobotomy!

I: Well you need a haircut, your hair is stupid!

Myself: Your hair is stupid.

Me: We have the same hair you idiots.

Myself: This is correct. I allowed I's illogical tactics to taint my judgement.

Me: For my sake, please stop!

Myself: Go whine somewhere else. Whining fixes nothing, just like your tendency towards violence solves nothing.

Me: Yes I, violence is what solves nothing. You guys really though, I'm happy.

Myself: I you are really getting on my nerves, stop sniveling over there.

I: Sniveling my foot. Life is nothing but death and gloom and doom.

Yeah, ok that wasn't as funny as I would think it would be.... I really need to take notes better of these debates. I'll try again when I have a better debate going on up there

Simplicity

I think I’ve found forever
In that simple look
Even from this distance

I know this is right
With all we’ve seen
Through all that has transpired

We are due this
From the point of yesterday
And through to forever

I see in your words
That this is real
Forever isn’t that long

I can’t believe that
During all this time
I’ve put this off so long

We are due this
From the point of the first kiss
And through to old age

I’m ready to be there
Whether you are next to me
Or not and away somewhere far off

I know that through it all
No matter how hard
And no matter how long

We will be there
From the point that I say I do
And until we’re grey and cranky

Dilema

I'm in the process of writing a letter to my biological father. He's in prison. I've hit on the topic in a previous blog. My future husband hates my biological father, loves my dad, hates the guy who helped in my conception, and with reason. He (B) has stated on a couple occasions that my biological father isn't allowed around when he gets out. I understand this. I'm actually going to use this as my reasoning not to see my father when he gets out. Even before all the marriage talk, I didn't want to see my father when he got out. I don't trust him and really, even when I visit him, I don't really look forward to it, other than the fact that while he's in prison he's being watched.

So I'm writing my father a letter to inform him of my great news, that his oldest daughter, his "road buddy" as he calls me, is getting married. However, I have to tell him that he can't see me when he gets out. I'm not sure how to put this without hurting his feelings. He seems to not have a concept of what he's done to me or anyone else and I know will take it very personally. I don't want to lose all contact with my father, but I don't want to see him on the outside.

Can you guys help me on how to word this? I'm at a loss what to say. The only Dunaway's left is myself, my father, and my baby sister.

Poems from 2008

It's Over

It's over

After 2 years of love

joy

fear

pain

It ended

The torture your soul has endured may now end

I take the demons I brought into your life

And you will have clear thoughts

Or go back to old ways

That you threw in the fire of understanding wrong

Because we are creatures of habit

The next few months are going to be hard

If I see your light from the corner of my eye

I may turn and want you

to hold me

But we can't

Is It Allowed?

I'm mad at you
But is it allowed?
Will it make you run
Even further than you are now
Or will you finally let go
And be you again

I'm crying for you
But is it allowed?
You seem not to want anything
From me, from anyone
Other than the abusers
Who are responsible for where you are

Call me
Or is it not allowed?
You may be wrapped around
Some other finger
Telling you how high to jump
And where to land

We Must

Sometimes we weep
Whether we were right or wrong
Sometimes we laugh
Even when it's wrong

Then there are the occasions
That slap us in the face
Make us eat shit
Put us in our place

We must keep moving
Whether fowards or back
Little of the future
Is up for attack

We can't live on memories alone
But must take nourishment
From everything, even those that leave us stone

And walk past evil and dread
So we can grow into humans
Living, not dead

I Left

I left
I let the door close
And heard you turn the lock
I hauled my belongings away
No turning back

But now
I drive around
Lost
Trying to remember
Why I did the leaving
And see anothers shadow
Where mine once strolled

Yet I avoid you general vacinity
If I see you I'll beg
Like you did the night
I left

Rain Storms

The rain is falling
And my mind is racing
Words sound like the puddles forming
Under my window
I try to concentrate
But the lightening only illuminates
Bits
Pieces
And revelations boom
Then the gentle whisper
Of thousands of thoughts
I can't make out the individuals
Only the steady hum
And the revelations echo
A common sentiment
Love
Loss
Cleansing, renewal
As the power cuts on and off
I wait for the thoughts
To pronounce themselves
As the hail hits the roof

You Are Not Esthero Bitch

If you're in tha mood
I got my dukes up
Ready for a revolution
And I may not have hip-hop in my veins
Or legs that go on for miles
But I have dignity and pride
And don't have to resort
To whispering sweet evils in his ear
But you have caused my greatest fear
And I've told him to go, get away
So he can be a better man
Than either of us could let him be
Your wicked ways
My naive backwoods world
And him stuck between
A bitch and a slave
I sing melancoly melodies now
Because your succubus words
Stained what was left of his love
And you did it
Because he wouldn't have you
He wanted me
Hopefully, he has enough sense
To see your bullshit through
And tell you to take a long walk
Off that short plank
Into the abyss that you came from

To Where?

Somewhere in the back of my mind
I feel the claws of desperation
Scratching my good intentions
And marring my judgment
Scaring my delicate psyche
Till I want to curl in a ball
And sleep away eternity

Yet, I can not
Will not
Curl up and die
I want to be happy
Simple, pure
Happiness

Where has it all gone
Has it always been so illusive
So far off and small
Or is it the mind chemistry cemetery
Where it has gone off to die
Then be reborn with hyper
Bouncing and jumping
Fighting and singing

Then from the far reaches
Of some inner space
That hasn't been seen in over a decade
A light shines
Ever so dully

Enough to make one uncurl
And look up
To raise your head
And look around
See what you've been lying in

7 Days

Day 1, I knew this was going to be tough

With you asking, pleading for me to stay

I knew things would not be the same

Yet I decided to go with my gut

I cried there in your living room

Knowing this was the end



Day 2 seemed to come and go

Other than the single text

Asking me why I was telling everyone

I was not at the bar

A simple joke gone wrong

Like two years of our lives



Day 3 I moped at the bar

Saw your best friend

Who used to be mine

And tried to stay clear

Of any drama there



Day 4 I tried to have a good time

Out with friends, family

Cut my hair in rebellion to you

And as hard as I tried

My thoughts circled back



Day 5 was a blur

Sleep and work

Consuming my every waking moment

So that I could not think

Could not ponder

All these things



Day 6 was more the same

My work suffers

At the hand of this fate

And I wonder

Why my phone does not ring

Why there are so few calls

So few attempts

For me



Day 7

Today

Why do I miss you so

Why have I only cried that one time

When you pleaded

And I knew

I could not keep on

Yet here I am stuck wishing for a call

A text

Something to make me whole

And now

A lonely tear falls

As I drift to a far off sleep

Where I yell

"Don't stay"

To the crying sheep

Hmmm (Our What If?)

We never met
Nor will we ever
But you brought out the best
In everyone who never
Saw you, met you
Who never will
You
Who will always be a myth
And always a "What If?"

Lima Beans

When lima beans fail
The nurshiment lacks
But all who loved them
Know it's for the best
One day
The lima beans will come in strong
And will heal us
From the seasons of loss
And the time of none
Will be only a myth
Slowly forgotten
Like Roma

Poems from 2007

You May Know Who You Are

i'm not sure whats going on.
since what went down did
you emailed me once
i told you i'd me be there for you
and you haven't returned my calls
i know you are hurting
in immense pain
but you know i will be there for you
just the same
thank god i wasn't the last to know
as usual i would have been
but now you aren't talking to me
and i'm not sure why
probably when you're ready
you will call and lay things down
so they won't burden you quite as bad
as keeping them to yourself would do
i know it is out of character
for you to spill your guts
but there was a time when you did
just in a different way
so when you are ready
call me and i'll be there
cuz i've been there all along
even though we have separate lives
i know you need your friends

Chris

i'm gone
what're you doin
now
you're probably
moping
sleeping
with you're clothes
on
and who
knows
what else
smoking
speed
till
you're so numb
you forget
you
left me

Before Him

why i didn't stay
to tell you
exactly how i felt
before him
i will never know
half way through
all i thought
was of you
how i'm given
the chance of a life time
one i don't want
to be ruined
by my actions
actions of stupidity
of recklessness
all i want
is the happiness
that i felt
before him

The Fearing

somethings not right
i can feel it in the air
hear the cries
i'm not sure what it is
but it feels like it's him
what is wrong
why am i scared
scared to return to his place
to get my things
a fear that should not be justified
yet it resides
deep in my gut
gnawing
chewing
a fear of returning
to retrieve what is mine

Speechless

i'm overwhelmed
seeing you
holding me
overwhelmed
already missing you
not believing reality
fascinated
by things said
not knowing
what to do next
overwhelmed
by my own emotions
noting the peace
the lack of pain
fascinated
by your smile
the twinkle in your eyes
wanting you back here
not out there driving around
speechless
not knowing what to say
only able to write simple words
in simple form
hoping
you read them
since i am
speechless

Disjointed

disjointed
out of place
somethings not right
feelings escape
wondering
pondering
what this is
feeling out of touch
out of sync
didn't work out
knew it wouldn't
yet the blow
knocked me
disjointed
out of place
trying to locate
the sky from the ground
floundering
shaking
lost in myself
in the world
trying to figure out
the next step
what to do

Unfathomable

i couldn't believe you acted the way you did

in a public place

in front of MY friends

when all i've done is try to be

everything you wanted me to be

i knew better of course

than change for you

but did it anyway

as some sort of cure

maybe i wasn't femine enough

or too lazy with my hair

so that if i were a man would want me

to keep me

but reality is

your just a jerk

who wanted to control me

leave me alone

always looking for a reason to leave

never wanting a permanent home

yet now you are looking for a house

and sent me on my way

funny that you never mentioned this

till just the other day

then last night out of the blue

you showed your true colors

getting mad when some innocent guy

just tryed to say hi

not the kind of hi that would make someone jealous

the kind that was meant as a friendly gesture

and you flipped out

stamped your feet

and walked out of the sun shine