I Should Stay Caught Up on Blogs: Response to a blog from 3/25

I used to have this best friend who I alienated the first time I ever met them. 17 years later, I alienated them again by not realizing what I did wrong and therefore not saying I'm sorry. I too can't think back to the last 17 years without having a memory of them. I have people ask me all the time about them. The only thing I can say to those who ask is "I don't know, we don't talk anymore" and the person asking then has to ask 50 questions about why we aren't talking and all this other drama. I always say to those "well I'm not entirely sure at this point. I didn't understand even then, but even if I did know exactly why, I wouldn't say, it's none of your business." Yeah, I, Christina Wilks, have learned discretion! I know, it's a miracle! But back to what I was saying... I wish I could see them right now. Actually I think of them more than my new BFF... Well Lauren isn't that new of a BFF, but when you knew your "old" BFF for as long as I did, Lauren is a "new" BFF lol... I'm 700+ miles from everyone I know, trying to make new friends and it makes me think back to high school, etc... Well being married to one of my best friends from high school makes me really think about them. Why my hubby has to ask about them is beyond me. He remembers her, but not my other BFF in high school Crystal Johnson. Ah, high school memories... I remember all the sleep overs, and getting busted drunk by my mom coming back to their place the night before church camp lol... Oh good times were had! Or how about the sad times we shared? We worked through our grief together when tragedy hit way to close to home... We were each others' rock in tough times and, as per my craziness, she was my pillow lol.

Man, I miss you girl... "Bad Ass Senioritas" till we die ;)

Just an Update

Well, I'm pretty much settled here in Colorado.  For the most part I'm loving it.  There are things I miss about Texas, like my nieces and nephew.  I miss my friends, but I don't miss most of it, like the drama.  I've got my first of what will end up being many doctor appointments.  I'd normally not go and just tough it out, but I've promised many people that I'd go.  I know that I need to have the ol' brain examined.

Things are good between B and I for the most part.  I think most of any issues we may have stem mostly from my guilt over what happened 10 years ago.  I've really got to forgive myself and move on.  You add in that I'm so far from all I know and am not used to change.  This makes for a sometimes moody Christina.  I cried for the first time today.  I miss the kids more than anything.  I'm scared.  Between my health issues that aren't straight up in the forefront (which makes them easy to forget about at times) and the impending deployment, I'm at a bit of a loss.  I'm used to predictability.  I go by statistics, yet here the statistics aren't proven or solid.  There are too many variables that can affect the outcome of any of it.

I'm making some friends and that's good.  I don't know where everything is here yet though.  I'm also used to being treated like pure shit by men and so I've got my own ways of trying to sabotage a perfectly good thing with words.  Gotta love when you do that...  Man, I swear, I over think things and I make them sound way worse than they really are.  I know one thing I will NOT be saying to the doctor tomorrow, and that is about all my emotional issues.  If they get that info from my medical records at UTA, so be it, but I'm not volunteering that info.  They don't need to know what I used to deal with emotionally since that has no relevance or bearing on what is going on now.  I do know that I do get kinda upset thinking about my own time in the Army being around all these soldiers though.  That is complicated and this blog is not the place for that story.  I'm just glad that I have a couple of outlets for any of my military frustrations, especially at Army Spouse Life.  I still can't talk openly about my frustrations with my own military time.  I just deal with that in my own mind.

I'm just glad that I have B.  You know, even though we've had a couple of weird incidents (one is completely on B, the other completely on me), we're doing well.  I mean, we can sit on the couch and just watch tv and look at each other and it makes things better.  He had a bad day today and yet, looking at me put a smile on his face.  I was just in a mood though today.

Well, I'll definitely be posting what the doctor says and periodic posts on what is going on with that.  I know you guys will be there for me.

Circles (Past, Present, Future) [Revision of previous poem]

I find this circle
We are in
Beautiful

10 years ago
Things were much different
We were younger
Dumber
Blind

Then I did what I did
And it couldn't be undone
But I don't think I would
Even if I could
The experience
Was worth the tragedy
That shaped my adult life
In so many ways

Yet I knew it was just part
Of this long journey
That loops around itself
Never completing a true circle
But almost
Like the retrograde activities
Of Venus and Mars
Even including that great elliptical
Trip around the sun

I haven't told
But three souls
That I feel
This intense
This truly
For you

Not for a lose so long ago
Not for the him
The one who caused me
To break your heart in two
And made me happier
Than anyone
Except you

I don't expect
You to believe me
But you can accept
The words that I say

This beautiful circle
That's spun around
Like the Maya calendar
One ending
Is another beginning
And here we are
10 years later

I really can't expect
You to truly believe
That I love you
But I do
And I have
And I will

See and that was so long ago
Things happen
Tragic events that wound
But wounds heal

Time moves on
Washing away
The pains
And even some memories
Looping back around again
Close to the original spot
But not quite

Five years ago
The orbits didn't line up
The circle wasn't quite right
And here we are
A third time
I'm calling it
Our 2012