Thursday, February 4, 2010

I Hate Pity

I have always prided myself on the fact that I keep some things about myself private.  I know that I have a big mouth.  I know that some of you know pretty much my an entire life story.  There are still certain things that I have not said.  Those things have ended with me having a seizure on a stranger's couch and in their bathroom and best friend left drunk and not knowing what to do.  I am so thankful she was there.  If this would have happened while I was at home and alone, there is no telling what would have happened.  However, no one, and I mean no one, except for me, knew that I had seizures.  Well, my mom did, but she thought they ended a long time ago.  I purposely never told anyone when I had episodes, and upon Googling things and some other research, things are a lot worse than I thought.  I have more seizures than even I thought I was having.  My hubby, God bless him, is being supportive, but only as much as he can be from such a distance.  However, he's now making strange comments.  I don't know... It could be the stress of things with his work.  It could be, like with my friends, a sense of disbelief, that I never told anyone about this.  It could also be that suddenly the image of the woman he fell in love with so long ago is completely changed.

I knew that eventually this would happened.  I knew that eventually I would have a seizure that I would have to tell people about.  That finally happened.  Go figure that it would happen after I have access to insurance.  I still have not made it to a doctor.  I will as soon as I move to be with my hubby.  My biggest fear is that my B will no longer want to be with me and definitely not want to reproduce with me.  I have other genetic issues that affect that.  This whole thing has me wanting to cry and curl into a ball and hide.  I'm also really tired, which I always am after a bad episode.  I already have problems with reproducing as it is and this just makes the whole thing worse.

If you have several episodes of blacking out, no alcohol needed, and losing large tracks of time, see a doctor. If you wake up in the middle of the night throwing up, with no reason, see a doctor.  Please.  There is no reason for people to go 29 years, having seizures, and not have relief.  There is no reason for people like me, to sit in silence while we suffer through nights of terror and embarrassment, having to clean up after something we have no idea of why we are cleaning up throw up.  And if you are the spouse or in a relationship with someone that has any of this happens to, when it happens, take them to the hospital.  They may be undiagnosed and need the trip to the ER.  Make it your duty as a friend to know of any underlying conditions of your close friends to know if they need to go to the ER if they behave erratically, within the construct of their normal behavior.

Many times people go years without having a diagnosis of what is actually ailing them.  They are told they are everything from bipolar to hyperchondriac, but in reality there is an underlying condition causing issues.  That is why it is imperative, as their friend, for you to recognize what is normal behavior and what is not.  As a friend, it is also your responsibility to tell your friends if you have any underlying conditions that may require medical attention.  I did not do this and did not get the medical attention that I most likely needed.  I decided, a long time ago, that I wasn't going to tell anyone about this because I HATE pity.  I really do.  And I wasn't about to have people coddle me over this.  I am a normal person.  My brain just functions a bit differently.