Saturday, August 21, 2010

Sleep Brings Perspective

After sleep and some beer last night and the help of many good friends, I'm doing much better today and I'm reminded of what I tell myself every time I get down about things that happen in my life.  No matter what I'm going through, there is always someone who has it worse.  When I am short on cash, there is a person that lost their job and is now homeless desperately seeking a place to stay and a new job.  When I miss my husband, someone has lost theirs.  When my health is poor, there is someone who is battling a terrible disease or does not have access to any health care.  When I am battling with my emotions that come naturally to anyone in my position, someone else is battling a chemical imbalance that causes them not to be able to control their emotions. When I think my friends are ignoring me, there is someone in a war zone or in training who really is being ignored by those they thought were friends and family.  When I yearn for having children, there is a couple that has tried and failed, whether they have fertility issues or have lost a child.  When I get upset about the ferrets using the carpet, there is someone who wishes they had a pet to keep them company.  When I whine about not being able to go grad school until the Fall of 2011, there is someone who has longed for a college education but cannot go due to financial or family issues.

There are many ways to look at any negative thing that happens, there is always someone going through something worse.  We live in a spoiled country.  Even our poor have video game systems and get to go to school (of course this does not include the homeless).  We have access, even when we have no money, to healthcare.  Sure, many go bankrupt due to the expense of using the ER, but they can still go and get taken care of.  So many are less fortunate than we are.  So many have gone through more than we can imagine.  Even I see this, and I have not had an easy life.  I've gone through more in one life than many would experience in several life times, but there are still those who have gone through more.  There are villages being destroyed and the women raped and children "recruited" into militias.  There are families losing their homes due to flood, mud slides, or foreclosure.  We are all blessed and should reflect on it in our most difficult moments.  It brings perspective to our lives.

P.S. If you comment that many bring things upon themselves, I'll have to delete you from any site that we may be friends on as there are many things that we are born into, things that no amount of precaution on our part that happen, things that happen due to corrupt governments... I could go on.  We should not judge those less fortunate than us and reach out to them.

The Email Exchange

So the friend I deleted's wife sent me an email through my friend's MySpace account, this is the exchange.  I will note that I never finished reading the email I received as I couldn't stand the grammar and spelling.... Here it is, please tell me I wasn't too harsh:

The email I received:

hi this is aunna im sorry to be wrighting u im sure ull erase this and not read it but thats ur choice..... any ways on the situation about u comming is not a good ideal at this time there are things going on that im not going to explain to u thats between me and my husband if he wants to tell u then so be it ............ any ways my trust level with steven is at a -100 ok .      it would be better if ur husband was comming it would be a better situation for us   and yes that is respect and its not bull shit  thats respect my husbend is trying to show me to re build my trust with him its a long process and im so sorry that its an inconveance to u but thats the way life is. im sure u would understand  if u lost trust w/ur hubby  theres just situations u cannot put ur spouce in when ur trying to fix somthing that has been shaddered ,may be later on in a year or so it wouldent be a problem for u to show up im just saying theres no reson to remove some one when u havent even asked what the prob is or ask why the visit is not recominded at this time. it makes me feel and think theres more to this visit than meeting me and kids for u to act that way and just wright steven off without knowing the details  and yes it would probly have been more respectfull if u would have written me and asked about a visit i would all ways respect the oppesets spouce in any situation like if we were to come there steven would respect ur marrage and talk to ur husband about it sence there was a relation ship between the two of u and if u dont under stand what im saying then so be it ..... but that did hurt my husbands feelings how u just wrote him off  and a true freand would ask why and not just wright u off.  its no skin off my back if u keeped us deleted but for my husband i just wanted u to know that how u did it with wrighting him off was BS and if there was more to this visit than just meeting the family then donot readd us or him to anything because thats how it seems to me.

My response:

Aunna (sorry if I misspelled your name) I don't care WHAT the excuse is.  I remember when I was with my ex and Steven had to "sneak" to call me because he was afraid you would be mad and you weren't even married.  I'm not a threat.  My fuckin husband is in Afghanistan or he would be with me.  I didn't even read all the email as I can NOT read such poor spelling and grammar.  It gives me a severe headache and I'm sorry, I have more important things to do than give myself a headache due to someone who can't use the built in spell check that comes with your browser and computer.  I deleted both of you because I cannot be friends with someone that I can't have contact with because their significant other doesn't trust them with a long time friend.  Sadly, this means that I have to hurt my long time friend who has been there when no one else was, even if my spouse was practically dead when I thought no one else was there.  Sure, I wasn't married to him then and in a relationship with someone else at the time, but Brandon, my husband and best friend, has always been there, even after I CHEATED on him in 99.  Yeah, if ANYONE has a reason to distrust someone, it would be my spouse.  I don't know what y'all are going through, and honestly at this time I don't care.  I only wanted to see y'all and meet YOU because I knew you had an issue with his friendship with me since the get-go.  My husband could die at the hands of a terrorist any day at any time and at no control of anyone because there are people out there that hate this country.  My biological father (Steven can tell you about what a louse he is) just got transferred to the prison in Snyder and I would have to go through Lubbock to get back to Colorado.  I NEVER, in a million years, thought there would be an issue with meeting in public to meet y'all.  And to be perfectly honest, it's not a respect thing.  No, it's a control thing on your part.  My husband actually encourages me to hang out with my male friends while he's away because he knows they are ONLY friends and that's with me cheating on him!  Yeah, take that in, swallow it, digest it, and shit it out.  I'm sorry that y'all are going through things, but from where I stand, it's been going on since I started dating my ex and that was over 4 years ago!  

And despite the anger and hurt I feel, I hope that you can work through what ever it is that y'all are going through and can have a happy and long marriage.

Peace, love, and blessings (despite the very negative feelings I'm feeling towards EVERYONE right now)

Christina WILKS (haven't been a Dunaway in 8 months)

Please mind the back story.  I've known Steven since 2001.  We did date, briefly, in 01 and again in 05.  I really don't count 05 since nothing ever happened and well, I kinda knew nothing was going to happen.  However, Steven was always there when Brandon couldn't be there via phone or email.  When I asked to come visit THEM, I even said in public.  I did not ask to see just Steven.  I didn't make any suggestion that B was going to be there.  I specifically said, multiple times that B was deployed on Facebook and MySpace.  I'm pissed even more than I was earlier, starting this morning than I was when Steven told me that I couldn't see them when I asked if I could meet them on my way back to Colorado.  Please, tell me I was wrong or right so that I can stop beating myself up over deleting him, but I am pretty much sure I was right.  I still haven't finished the email as I really can't finish the first few lines.

Thanks for listening!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Trust in Marriage

So I have this friend, he's married and has 4 kids, 2 of which are actually his.  I've known him since 2001, almost a decade.  Sure we dated a couple times, but things just never worked out.  Not because he is a bad guy, but because I just wasn't into him like that, despite him being such an awesome guy.  He's been married 4 or 5 yrs now and the entire time his woman (or should I say girl with how she's acting) has never liked me or trusted him to talk to me.  I don't understand why as I am the one that broke up with him both times we dated and both times it was because I just knew it wasn't what I wanted and I knew it wouldn't work out well in the end.  I'm glad I made that decision so long ago, but he's always been one of my best friends.  We have never talked about anything inappropriate when we do talk; however, this girl has never liked us talking.  It was so bad that my friend would sneak to text me, deleting the texts before he got home.  Now, we rarely ever talk, though he's a friend of mine on Facebook and MySpace, because of his wife.  I am planning a trip to Texas and thought that since they live so close to the town that my biological father is now in, I could meet this crazy woman and all their kids so that she can see that I'm not a threat and never was.

However, I got a message from him today asking if B would be with me when I come to Texas.  I informed my friend that no, B's deployed and I would be making the trip by myself.  He then says that it's best that I not come and visit as it's a "respect thing."  I am not sure how that's a respect thing.  I see it as this woman is so distrustful that she's not even willing to meet the woman she's seen as a threat for so long.  I did not say that I wanted only to see him.  I made it perfectly clear I only wanted to see his entire family.  However, this woman has serious trust issues and so, instead of telling my friend what I think of his woman, I said it's cool and dropped it.  But I'm raving mad about this!  I've never done anything for this woman to have a reason to believe that I would try and take her man.  I've never said anything that would make her think this either, however she doesn't trust me or him.

I honestly feel if there is no trust in a relationship, there cannot be a relationship.  Despite what I did over a decade ago, B trusts me.  He knows the reasons behind what happened a decade ago and doesn't hold it against me.  He even encourages me to see and talk to my friends, whether male or female, ex or not.  He knows that if they're an ex, I have no desire to be with them.  We broke up for a reason, and usually distrust is the reason.  Most of my life, all my friends were guys.  Does that mean that I got it on with all of them?  Hell no!  The only ones that I have are the ones that I dated and would never go back to that again... Like I said, we broke up for a reason.  B trusts me completely, and I him.  So how does a person stay in a relationship, get married, have kids, and not trust their spouse?  How does someone stay with someone who does not trust them?

I was with a man who did not trust me.  Some of you know about CR and our rocky relationship.  For those that don't, I'll give you the run down of the 3.5 years for distrust and heartache.  CR and I were fine at first but soon the trust fell out of the relationship because CR couldn't stand me having guy friends.  We broke up the first time because a guy I knew kissed me and I didn't tell him about it.  We got back together a month later, but it was soon evident that he still didn't trust me.  I had a stack of pictures, most from high school and the first couple of years after, sitting on an end table, face down, that I was fixing to put away and he discovered them and became irate that I even had them.  It didn't matter that I hadn't seen most of those people in years or that they were only friends, it was "disrespectful" to him to have pictures of other guys in his apartment.  Excuse me?  I guess there was no trust.  And yes, I did stay with him after that.  When we broke up the 2nd time, it was an escalation of that and other incidents.  Things were so tense between us when we broke up the second time, between my pictures of all my guy friends, to the fact he would get pissed off that I was going out with my girl friends and so I would stay in, but I couldn't stand it.  And of course we got back together after we broke up, but didn't live together that time.  This time, things weren't as tense, but mostly due to the fact that I wouldn't tell him when I hit the bar after hangin at his place, but eventually we did break up a third and final time, not due to trust issues, but due to the fact he wouldn't follow me to grad school.  I will admit that the trust issues were part of it, but we didn't say that.

That story proves that if there is no trust, there can't be a real relationship.  I've broke up with other guys for less, and have broke up with guys because they didn't trust me.  Why I stayed with CR for so long?  I don't know anymore (and we broke up a lil over a year ago), other than I loved the guy even though I knew he was completely wrong for me.  I knew there wasn't anything really there.  I knew that without trust it would never work out, and if he didn't trust me after living with me for 2 yrs, he wasn't ever going to trust me.  But here my friend is in a very long term relationship with a woman that won't let him talk to one of his long time friends.  I wish I could tell her off, but what would that accomplish?  Nothing but a big fight with him and his wife and I'm not going to be the one to tear them apart.  Hopefully, one day, he realizes that he doesn't deserve to be treated like this.  And if you are in a relationship like that, please know that you do NOT deserve that, whatever the reason for the distrust!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Day 12 on Day 10

Today was another good day.  My neurologist appointment went well yesterday and today I went with a friend while she got a tattoo.  I also got another email from my hubby.  It was nice and made my day, though I did have to reread it several times to get it all.  I really hate when an email is all

>like this
>for each line.
>it's hard to read

So yeah, it was good to hear from him again, though he had to make some smart ass comment about my little break down Tuesday.  I swear, if I didn't know his sense of humor, I would take it as insult lol.  But I do know his sense of humor and know it was a joke.  I can even see his face if he was saying it lol.  Man, I miss him like crazy.  Which that longing for him brings me to what I wanted to talk about.

The other day I had a bit of a break down after staying up all night after I found someone's dog that I know.  A simple comment on the owner's part, on top of the fact I hadn't heard from my hubby for 5 days at that point and the Xbox died and most of my plans kept falling through combined with a lack of sleep created the hurricane of emotions I will call The Day 10 Emotional Hurricane.  Yeah, it was pretty crazy for most of the day for me.  I did calm down after much talking with many wonderful ladies and finally got some sleep that night so I could make it to my appointment the next day.  I felt stupid the entire time I was having my little freak out and couldn't stand the fact I couldn't stop crying.  We're talking about a freak out almost like the one I had on my birthday when my sister told me our grandfather died while we were at the bar.  Yeah, if you were there, you know how insane that was... ANYWHO!  I felt stupid about breaking down.  For one, I knew where he's at.  Another thing was I know that none of the status updates that were pissing me off were being posted to get to me.  Those ladies are going through the same thing I am, and most aren't as stoic as I am.  I haven't cried myself to sleep once and only had one real break down.  I mean there was one night last week where my mind was wandering a bit, but I talked with just 2 of my ladies and I was fine.  Once again, I knew it was just craziness in my head.  I also know that no news is good news, yet I had my break down.  I can honestly say that lack of sleep had a direct role in that break down as the exhaustion took down my walls I've put up around that Pandora's Box full of all my emotions.

We're all human and feel so many things when our love is so far away.  I know I need to allow myself to feel some of them, but I think in all my years of self taught emotion control, I've developed a need to not express my sadness.  I still remember being told "there's no reason to cry" when I was a kid.  I had a hell of a childhood, both good & bad times, and the bad times weighed heavy on my young heart.  I am blessed that my dad said those words or I would probably still cry in public for no apparent reason.  Because of those words to me, I know when I have a real reason to cry and when I need keep myself from crying when need be in certain situations.  However, when I break down and cry, I do have a sense of regret for not being able to control it.  This is both in a response to the not being able to completely control it, but also this weird sense that, like a man, I should just push all my emotions deep, deep, deep down.  Yeah, I'm completely aware how unhealthy that is, but I can't help it.  I think the only person I will freely break down in front of sober now is B.  I would like to note though, I really think that years of being overly emotional has resulted in me not wanting to be not emotional, even in appropriate situations.  Alas, this is the reason for the shame I still feel about having a break down.

I know that we all deal with deployment differently.  I do appreciate all the comments telling me how strong I am, but I have my weak moments.  Just because you cry yourself to sleep at night does not make you weak.  That is you dealing with this.  I may not cry myself to sleep, but when I finally do cry, it gets pretty messy.  You may watch sappy love movies, and tear up missing your best friends.  I just refuse to watch any of those, even when I have mine right by my side.  Many honestly just can't handle having their love so far away.  I'm used to being thousands of miles from mine.  Everyone of us has our different ways of dealing and each one is valid in its own way.  However, I would like to note, that if ever you are having really negative thoughts, please contact me and I will talk you through it.  I have been through so many things, I can pretty much help with almost any situation.  You're not alone out there.

Well, day 12 is at a close.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Day 8

Standing on the patio watching the aftermath of the storms, all I could thing of is our good times.  Those thoughts have always sustained me.  Even when I was with someone else and all B was was my friend, the thought that someone out there truly cared about me kept me going through the worse times with CR.  I actually had a dream about CR last night.  In it B watched everything that transpired.  Can we say "awkward"?

Anywho!  But even when I was with CR, when things were their worse, I was reassured knowing that there was a man out there who really did love me, even after everything I put him through over the years.  That's not to say that in all the trials B & I have faced over the years, I'm the only guilty party in the outcome, no, there are only 2 incidents and one, he is pretty much responsible for what happened, even though it was me who made a mistake... What I'm trying to say is, that even with the silence from B, I know that he is thinking of me and wishing I was in his arms when he's asleep and handing him his meal when he eats.  Yeah, food reference lol.  I do love being in the kitchen, unless it's to do the dishes.

I love my baby, and wish he were here.  However, I know he can't be here.  I really am glad I know where he's at.  In 2004, no one knew where he was and little did we know he almost died.  I'm so glad now that no news really is good news.  Then, it wasn't good news.  It's amazing what one finds comfort in in times like these.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Day 6

First, I'm not going to post every day about the deployment.  That would just be stupid.  However, as things come to mind I will post about what I'm going through with it.

So my hubby has now been gone 6 days.  In 6 days, I've cleaned more ferret poop than one should have to, had coffee with the ladies, have half my plans fall through, and then last night, the Xbox died!  As for good news, I've got 2 calls from him already.  The calls make my day/night when I get them.  B's safe and hot and I believe tired as well.  When he's on the phone he's more concerned that I'm ok and that things are being taken care of and I have plenty of money.  Ironically, it was right after his last call (last night) that the Xbox died.  I'm pretty sure that if it weren't for his call, I would have cried like a little baby over it.

Now, I'm starting to feel bad for saying I was going to be in Texas at a certain time and now it looks like I won't be able to go for quite some time.  I have some people pissed, others disappointed, and most understanding.  I'm sorry but bills come first and my car.  If my car doesn't work, then I can't do anything at all.  I feel bad because not only was I excited to see everyone and take the ferrets on a trip, but also because others got really excited to see me.  Ugh... What I find really irritating is the people that are pissed off aren't willing to understand that I don't have the funds and help out or if they do want to help out it's on the condition that I find someone to watch my ferrets for the duration of the trip.  I'm sorry, the ferrets are comin with me.  Would you leave your kids for a trip like that? No, you wouldn't.

Overall, emotionally, I'm doing alright.  I have my occasional upsets, but who wouldn't in this situation.  I have a pretty wide support network established both online and in the "real world".  I love how so many military wives will join together to support each other through the deployments, training, and other hardships that come our way in this life.  Not to say that civilian spouses have it easy, but the military life has its own set of issues.  I think the deployments are pretty much the worst of it though.  I can deal with training, it's usually only for a couple weeks (now that BCT & AIT are done) and the training doesn't have them in a war zone.  It's the deployment, where you go days without hearing from them, not knowing if they're safe or not, that are the hardest.

And I'd like to note some deployment etiquette for all my civilian friends out there.  Here is some things to say and not to say to a friend who's spouse or significant other is deployed or overseas:

First don't ask "are you ok?" Instead ask them how they are doing.  Obviously, they are not completely ok, but they are not sick or anything like that.  We have our rough days and our good days and asking us if we're ok can sometimes make a good day go bad.  It sounds weird, I know, but really, asking if I'm ok is just going to piss me off.  I'm not ok, I'm fine.  I won't be ok until my husband is back in my arms, but I'm fine with life and things.  I'm getting by.

Second, try your best not to whine about your SO being gone for a couple days.  Your friend with a deployed spouse will want to slap you.  Your spouse will be home shortly and is most likely even in the same country as you.  You can text and email as much as you like, but your friend's spouse goes through blackouts of internet and phone due to missions or for security reasons, and in the worse case scenarios, there has been an incident.

Third, if you hear a rumor about your friend's soldier, don't spread it.  This is the leading cause of misinformation out there.  If you see a news piece about what you think is your friend's spouse, wait until you hear something from them.  The media by law has to wait 48 hrs to publish any story about incidents and so the information you saw on the news may not be the most accurate.  If you have concerns about a news piece you saw, ask your friend if they have any news of the soldier instead of going on about what you saw in the news.  Your friend will be the first person to know anything.

I think that covers everything for now.  As things are brought to my attention I will let you know.  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.  And as always, keep all of our troops and their spouses, girlfriends/boyfriends, fiancĂ©/fiancĂ©es, and their families in your prayers and thoughts.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Lot's Wife

His last words to me were “walk away and don’t look back”
As if I would turn into a pillar of salt
Without turning around
Pillars of salt lined my cheeks
But I take those tears
And preserve my memories until he returns
To make a new batch
He’ll be in harm’s way
I’ll be safely in my home
Wondering if he’s ok
But this is what I signed up for
This life of having to walk away for way to long
Can’t look back when we part ways
Otherwise the salt comes again