Friday, August 13, 2010

Day 12 on Day 10

Today was another good day.  My neurologist appointment went well yesterday and today I went with a friend while she got a tattoo.  I also got another email from my hubby.  It was nice and made my day, though I did have to reread it several times to get it all.  I really hate when an email is all

>like this
>for each line.
>it's hard to read

So yeah, it was good to hear from him again, though he had to make some smart ass comment about my little break down Tuesday.  I swear, if I didn't know his sense of humor, I would take it as insult lol.  But I do know his sense of humor and know it was a joke.  I can even see his face if he was saying it lol.  Man, I miss him like crazy.  Which that longing for him brings me to what I wanted to talk about.

The other day I had a bit of a break down after staying up all night after I found someone's dog that I know.  A simple comment on the owner's part, on top of the fact I hadn't heard from my hubby for 5 days at that point and the Xbox died and most of my plans kept falling through combined with a lack of sleep created the hurricane of emotions I will call The Day 10 Emotional Hurricane.  Yeah, it was pretty crazy for most of the day for me.  I did calm down after much talking with many wonderful ladies and finally got some sleep that night so I could make it to my appointment the next day.  I felt stupid the entire time I was having my little freak out and couldn't stand the fact I couldn't stop crying.  We're talking about a freak out almost like the one I had on my birthday when my sister told me our grandfather died while we were at the bar.  Yeah, if you were there, you know how insane that was... ANYWHO!  I felt stupid about breaking down.  For one, I knew where he's at.  Another thing was I know that none of the status updates that were pissing me off were being posted to get to me.  Those ladies are going through the same thing I am, and most aren't as stoic as I am.  I haven't cried myself to sleep once and only had one real break down.  I mean there was one night last week where my mind was wandering a bit, but I talked with just 2 of my ladies and I was fine.  Once again, I knew it was just craziness in my head.  I also know that no news is good news, yet I had my break down.  I can honestly say that lack of sleep had a direct role in that break down as the exhaustion took down my walls I've put up around that Pandora's Box full of all my emotions.

We're all human and feel so many things when our love is so far away.  I know I need to allow myself to feel some of them, but I think in all my years of self taught emotion control, I've developed a need to not express my sadness.  I still remember being told "there's no reason to cry" when I was a kid.  I had a hell of a childhood, both good & bad times, and the bad times weighed heavy on my young heart.  I am blessed that my dad said those words or I would probably still cry in public for no apparent reason.  Because of those words to me, I know when I have a real reason to cry and when I need keep myself from crying when need be in certain situations.  However, when I break down and cry, I do have a sense of regret for not being able to control it.  This is both in a response to the not being able to completely control it, but also this weird sense that, like a man, I should just push all my emotions deep, deep, deep down.  Yeah, I'm completely aware how unhealthy that is, but I can't help it.  I think the only person I will freely break down in front of sober now is B.  I would like to note though, I really think that years of being overly emotional has resulted in me not wanting to be not emotional, even in appropriate situations.  Alas, this is the reason for the shame I still feel about having a break down.

I know that we all deal with deployment differently.  I do appreciate all the comments telling me how strong I am, but I have my weak moments.  Just because you cry yourself to sleep at night does not make you weak.  That is you dealing with this.  I may not cry myself to sleep, but when I finally do cry, it gets pretty messy.  You may watch sappy love movies, and tear up missing your best friends.  I just refuse to watch any of those, even when I have mine right by my side.  Many honestly just can't handle having their love so far away.  I'm used to being thousands of miles from mine.  Everyone of us has our different ways of dealing and each one is valid in its own way.  However, I would like to note, that if ever you are having really negative thoughts, please contact me and I will talk you through it.  I have been through so many things, I can pretty much help with almost any situation.  You're not alone out there.

Well, day 12 is at a close.

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