I just noticed I haven't posted in awhile and I'm sorry. I've just been going about life as close to normal as I can. I've been working out and trying to get down to weight but it seems the more I try, the more I see nothing on the scale or the tape, yet I can see that my abs are getting flatter... Oh well. I haven't had a soda in 3 days now. Yes, I do have a Red Bull in the morning, but hey, a girl needs her B vitamins and the caffeine! I've been drinking LOTS of water and eating well. Most of my diet is either vegetarian or health food. I do treat myself to something not so good for me, but it's not all the time. I do love me a cheeseburger on occasion lol.
I do have to say that Skype is so awesome! Getting to see my hubby brings me so much joy and helps the days without hearing from him a bit easier to deal with. I'm pretty sure he'll be proud of my keeping up the work out. I have say I did take a break from it when all the drama started happening but I think exercising is helping me deal with stress of it all. I'm already seeing an improvement in my stress induced stomach issues and in the hair loss. That is always good, but I am tired of the hair in my brush...
Well, not really much else to say, it's lunch time & I'm starved and I've got a ferret running around like a crazed loon.
Showing posts with label army. Show all posts
Showing posts with label army. Show all posts
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Day 12 on Day 10
Today was another good day. My neurologist appointment went well yesterday and today I went with a friend while she got a tattoo. I also got another email from my hubby. It was nice and made my day, though I did have to reread it several times to get it all. I really hate when an email is all
>like this
>for each line.
>it's hard to read
>everything
So yeah, it was good to hear from him again, though he had to make some smart ass comment about my little break down Tuesday. I swear, if I didn't know his sense of humor, I would take it as insult lol. But I do know his sense of humor and know it was a joke. I can even see his face if he was saying it lol. Man, I miss him like crazy. Which that longing for him brings me to what I wanted to talk about.
The other day I had a bit of a break down after staying up all night after I found someone's dog that I know. A simple comment on the owner's part, on top of the fact I hadn't heard from my hubby for 5 days at that point and the Xbox died and most of my plans kept falling through combined with a lack of sleep created the hurricane of emotions I will call The Day 10 Emotional Hurricane. Yeah, it was pretty crazy for most of the day for me. I did calm down after much talking with many wonderful ladies and finally got some sleep that night so I could make it to my appointment the next day. I felt stupid the entire time I was having my little freak out and couldn't stand the fact I couldn't stop crying. We're talking about a freak out almost like the one I had on my birthday when my sister told me our grandfather died while we were at the bar. Yeah, if you were there, you know how insane that was... ANYWHO! I felt stupid about breaking down. For one, I knew where he's at. Another thing was I know that none of the status updates that were pissing me off were being posted to get to me. Those ladies are going through the same thing I am, and most aren't as stoic as I am. I haven't cried myself to sleep once and only had one real break down. I mean there was one night last week where my mind was wandering a bit, but I talked with just 2 of my ladies and I was fine. Once again, I knew it was just craziness in my head. I also know that no news is good news, yet I had my break down. I can honestly say that lack of sleep had a direct role in that break down as the exhaustion took down my walls I've put up around that Pandora's Box full of all my emotions.
We're all human and feel so many things when our love is so far away. I know I need to allow myself to feel some of them, but I think in all my years of self taught emotion control, I've developed a need to not express my sadness. I still remember being told "there's no reason to cry" when I was a kid. I had a hell of a childhood, both good & bad times, and the bad times weighed heavy on my young heart. I am blessed that my dad said those words or I would probably still cry in public for no apparent reason. Because of those words to me, I know when I have a real reason to cry and when I need keep myself from crying when need be in certain situations. However, when I break down and cry, I do have a sense of regret for not being able to control it. This is both in a response to the not being able to completely control it, but also this weird sense that, like a man, I should just push all my emotions deep, deep, deep down. Yeah, I'm completely aware how unhealthy that is, but I can't help it. I think the only person I will freely break down in front of sober now is B. I would like to note though, I really think that years of being overly emotional has resulted in me not wanting to be not emotional, even in appropriate situations. Alas, this is the reason for the shame I still feel about having a break down.
I know that we all deal with deployment differently. I do appreciate all the comments telling me how strong I am, but I have my weak moments. Just because you cry yourself to sleep at night does not make you weak. That is you dealing with this. I may not cry myself to sleep, but when I finally do cry, it gets pretty messy. You may watch sappy love movies, and tear up missing your best friends. I just refuse to watch any of those, even when I have mine right by my side. Many honestly just can't handle having their love so far away. I'm used to being thousands of miles from mine. Everyone of us has our different ways of dealing and each one is valid in its own way. However, I would like to note, that if ever you are having really negative thoughts, please contact me and I will talk you through it. I have been through so many things, I can pretty much help with almost any situation. You're not alone out there.
Well, day 12 is at a close.
>like this
>for each line.
>it's hard to read
>everything
So yeah, it was good to hear from him again, though he had to make some smart ass comment about my little break down Tuesday. I swear, if I didn't know his sense of humor, I would take it as insult lol. But I do know his sense of humor and know it was a joke. I can even see his face if he was saying it lol. Man, I miss him like crazy. Which that longing for him brings me to what I wanted to talk about.
The other day I had a bit of a break down after staying up all night after I found someone's dog that I know. A simple comment on the owner's part, on top of the fact I hadn't heard from my hubby for 5 days at that point and the Xbox died and most of my plans kept falling through combined with a lack of sleep created the hurricane of emotions I will call The Day 10 Emotional Hurricane. Yeah, it was pretty crazy for most of the day for me. I did calm down after much talking with many wonderful ladies and finally got some sleep that night so I could make it to my appointment the next day. I felt stupid the entire time I was having my little freak out and couldn't stand the fact I couldn't stop crying. We're talking about a freak out almost like the one I had on my birthday when my sister told me our grandfather died while we were at the bar. Yeah, if you were there, you know how insane that was... ANYWHO! I felt stupid about breaking down. For one, I knew where he's at. Another thing was I know that none of the status updates that were pissing me off were being posted to get to me. Those ladies are going through the same thing I am, and most aren't as stoic as I am. I haven't cried myself to sleep once and only had one real break down. I mean there was one night last week where my mind was wandering a bit, but I talked with just 2 of my ladies and I was fine. Once again, I knew it was just craziness in my head. I also know that no news is good news, yet I had my break down. I can honestly say that lack of sleep had a direct role in that break down as the exhaustion took down my walls I've put up around that Pandora's Box full of all my emotions.
We're all human and feel so many things when our love is so far away. I know I need to allow myself to feel some of them, but I think in all my years of self taught emotion control, I've developed a need to not express my sadness. I still remember being told "there's no reason to cry" when I was a kid. I had a hell of a childhood, both good & bad times, and the bad times weighed heavy on my young heart. I am blessed that my dad said those words or I would probably still cry in public for no apparent reason. Because of those words to me, I know when I have a real reason to cry and when I need keep myself from crying when need be in certain situations. However, when I break down and cry, I do have a sense of regret for not being able to control it. This is both in a response to the not being able to completely control it, but also this weird sense that, like a man, I should just push all my emotions deep, deep, deep down. Yeah, I'm completely aware how unhealthy that is, but I can't help it. I think the only person I will freely break down in front of sober now is B. I would like to note though, I really think that years of being overly emotional has resulted in me not wanting to be not emotional, even in appropriate situations. Alas, this is the reason for the shame I still feel about having a break down.
I know that we all deal with deployment differently. I do appreciate all the comments telling me how strong I am, but I have my weak moments. Just because you cry yourself to sleep at night does not make you weak. That is you dealing with this. I may not cry myself to sleep, but when I finally do cry, it gets pretty messy. You may watch sappy love movies, and tear up missing your best friends. I just refuse to watch any of those, even when I have mine right by my side. Many honestly just can't handle having their love so far away. I'm used to being thousands of miles from mine. Everyone of us has our different ways of dealing and each one is valid in its own way. However, I would like to note, that if ever you are having really negative thoughts, please contact me and I will talk you through it. I have been through so many things, I can pretty much help with almost any situation. You're not alone out there.
Well, day 12 is at a close.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Day 8
Standing on the patio watching the aftermath of the storms, all I could thing of is our good times. Those thoughts have always sustained me. Even when I was with someone else and all B was was my friend, the thought that someone out there truly cared about me kept me going through the worse times with CR. I actually had a dream about CR last night. In it B watched everything that transpired. Can we say "awkward"?
Anywho! But even when I was with CR, when things were their worse, I was reassured knowing that there was a man out there who really did love me, even after everything I put him through over the years. That's not to say that in all the trials B & I have faced over the years, I'm the only guilty party in the outcome, no, there are only 2 incidents and one, he is pretty much responsible for what happened, even though it was me who made a mistake... What I'm trying to say is, that even with the silence from B, I know that he is thinking of me and wishing I was in his arms when he's asleep and handing him his meal when he eats. Yeah, food reference lol. I do love being in the kitchen, unless it's to do the dishes.
I love my baby, and wish he were here. However, I know he can't be here. I really am glad I know where he's at. In 2004, no one knew where he was and little did we know he almost died. I'm so glad now that no news really is good news. Then, it wasn't good news. It's amazing what one finds comfort in in times like these.
Anywho! But even when I was with CR, when things were their worse, I was reassured knowing that there was a man out there who really did love me, even after everything I put him through over the years. That's not to say that in all the trials B & I have faced over the years, I'm the only guilty party in the outcome, no, there are only 2 incidents and one, he is pretty much responsible for what happened, even though it was me who made a mistake... What I'm trying to say is, that even with the silence from B, I know that he is thinking of me and wishing I was in his arms when he's asleep and handing him his meal when he eats. Yeah, food reference lol. I do love being in the kitchen, unless it's to do the dishes.
I love my baby, and wish he were here. However, I know he can't be here. I really am glad I know where he's at. In 2004, no one knew where he was and little did we know he almost died. I'm so glad now that no news really is good news. Then, it wasn't good news. It's amazing what one finds comfort in in times like these.
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