Thursday, December 31, 2009


Monday, at 12:30 pm MST, I got married.  I'm still a bit in shock.  I can't believe that someone, let alone B, would want to marry me.  I know, I know, I'm wonderful; however, it's always weird when you fought for something for so long and never got it and it finally comes about.  Now, I'm Mrs. Wilks.  I guess I shouldn't be so surprised.  B's been in love with me for 12 years and asked me to marry him 5 years ago... the first time.  Yet, I'm still in shock and still cannot believe that it's happened.  I really can't wait to move to Colorado.  The last 10 days were the best 10 days in my life.  Yeah, ever, including the 6 months I had with Gary so long ago.  I can honestly say that without a hint or doubt of remorse or lying.  I honestly cannot wait to start married life.  I'm not lookin forward to the year he will be in Afghanistan, but that is the Army life and I'll deal with it like I've dealt with a lot worse.

I'm not looking forward to cleaning up after B, but then again I can't wait to cook for him.  After making him breakfast many times, I know he'll really like my dinners and desserts.  I can't wait to have my cooking bring forth a positive response.  I know that is a bit weak sounding but for too long my cooking received no praise or appreciation despite the fact that I did my best and came up with many awesome recipes on my own.  I'm just glad that no matter how quickly or slowly the Army processes our paperwork, I'll be in Colorado in early March at the latest.  I'm hoping for mid February though.  I really can't wait to move there.  Not only to be with B, but cuz it's so much better than Texas.


So my sister has been acting fishy. My parents have been coming to me asking what is going on with her. There are two reasons for this. One: They know she talks to me. Two: They know I have a big mouth and if you ask me enough I will spill the beans. Nevertheless, after being "drilled" by my parents, I finally talked to them. Plus the entire situation is pretty stupid. I know that I probably shouldn't have said anything as it's not really my place, but at the same time I'm sick of being in the middle. I guess you guys expect the break down.

A little background: I am the oldest of four. There is my baby sister, who is my sister by blood. There is my middle sister, sister by marriage. And lastly, my baby brother, also by marriage. I've known my middle sister and baby brother since my brother was 2, so they are truly my brother and sister. Our childhoods' were not easy, none of them. But I think I can honestly say that the younger two had it much easier than me and my middle sister. We're the oldest of our respective blood families and as such took the brunt of our respectful parents' wraths. Not only did I personally deal with my mother's wrath, which was uncontrolled in earlier years, but I was abused by my biological father as well. My baby sister, on the other hand, did not suffer under our biological father's hands and got it much easier from mom. As I told my parents today, I feel that mom was closer to my baby sister than do me and I always felt that my baby sis was her favorite of us two. I can't speak on behalf of my middle sis, but I'm sure she felt the same of her baby brother. Now, mom is medicated and things are much better.

Mom now seems to favor my middle sis & baby brother, but I can see things from her perspective there too. She is probably trying to make up for how she treated them early on when our family was first melted together and as we grew up. Like I said, mom was pretty wrathful then. So when my baby sister starts going on about the abuse she has gone through from our mother, I got upset. I still do. I really get pissed, and I mean pissed, when she goes on about our biological father abuses. HE DIDN'T ABUSE YOU!!!! Like I wrote in another blog, I don't like using abuse as an excuse for being stupid. She's now using supposed abuses against her to keep her daughter from my parents and with that says "I'm not trying to punish dad but mom blah blah blah." It varies from conversation to conversation.  I don't like listening to her about this and I think my niece deserves much more than she's getting right now.  I'm not going to dwell too much but I will continue to be upset as this progresses.  I'll also update you guys about it as well.

Sunday, December 13, 2009


Ok... I'm extremely happy

I can't believe that the man that I would kick to flirt with back when I was 16, cuz I liked him, likes me, and wants to marry me and I am ACTUALLY going to marry him.  I can't believe that he wants to marry me after everything that I've put him through and after everything I've been through.  He knows all I've been through, both good, bad and ugly.  He knows so much about me that the fact he WANTS to marry me (in and of itself) freaks me out.  I can't believe that I actually have my BA in anything, let alone English ( though it was ALWAYS my strongest subject).

The fact that GOOD things are coming about has me so freaked out that I have NO fucking idea how to act.

I love him.  I really do. Despite the fact that I have my own version of cold feet, he still wants to marry me. I'm glad. But then my doubts take over. How in the world can ANYONE really love ME!!!! Seriously.... I am a bitch. I'm a cunt. I'm fucking bi-fucking-sexual for Christ sake. Yet he loves me.  I've been sexually abused.  I have "daddy issues" and my biological mother is a bitch who any sane person would hate.  I love her though, none the less.  She's the female version of Peter Griffin.  Don't just take my word for it, my friends agree.  She doesn't know better than to act the way she does.  Though ignorance is rarely an excuse, I allow it for her.  She is the woman that is half responsible for my presence on this planet.  By horrid biological father is the other half.  My loving honey is one of the reasons that I haven't done something stupid...

But I'm freaking out!!! Who knew that I could get my bachelors in anything?  Who knew that someone would actually marry me?  Who knew that I could accomplish anything that I set my mind to?

I couldn't, I can't.... I'm freaking out

Then I'm wondering why in the world is CR and his friends not showing up in all the usual places.  NONE of them were at the Aesop Rock show.  None have been at the bar on any of the occasions I've been since October.  October was the last time I talked to CR.  I don't care what's goin on with CR but at the same time, it's really weird that they would all suddenly NOT show up at underground hip-hop shows and the bars that they ALL used to run.  This, however, is contrary to what I knew prior to meeting any of them.  Prior, I would go to Cave's and would not meet any of them.  How am I sure you ask? Cuz Tito is a mixed dude with a 'hawk, that's how.  So not seeing any of them at the bar is really fucking weird.  I don't mind the calm, but not seeing any of them is just beyond weird!  It's like going to work every day and then suddenly your boss isn't coming in and the only explanation you get is they're on a different shift, but really they're not cuz you rotate shifts and see that they are never there.  It makes me worry, especially after the last time I ran into any of that crew.  One person told me that don't give two shits what happened to CR and the other told me they were more worried about CR then they were about their speed habit.  I'm not really worried about CR, but I don't want him & his friends avoiding where they would like to hang out (cuz that's where drinks are cheapest and closet to where any of them live) because of me.  I know I have a HUGE ego but not like that.

Ok, I'm much more comfortable that things are going well for me.  I'm really  not used to things going well for me.  If you've read some of my old blogs, you know that not everything has been easy.  But I know that we're all due good things eventually.  I can only hope that those old nightmares will NEVER come true.  That way I can have my "happily ever after" and still live in reality.

Please pray for us.  I know that sounds weird coming from me, however, I am a praying individual.  Please pray for us, especially if you know our complete situation