Ok... I'm extremely happy
I can't believe that the man that I would kick to flirt with back when I was 16, cuz I liked him, likes me, and wants to marry me and I am ACTUALLY going to marry him. I can't believe that he wants to marry me after everything that I've put him through and after everything I've been through. He knows all I've been through, both good, bad and ugly. He knows so much about me that the fact he WANTS to marry me (in and of itself) freaks me out. I can't believe that I actually have my BA in anything, let alone English ( though it was ALWAYS my strongest subject).
The fact that GOOD things are coming about has me so freaked out that I have NO fucking idea how to act.
I love him. I really do. Despite the fact that I have my own version of cold feet, he still wants to marry me. I'm glad. But then my doubts take over. How in the world can ANYONE really love ME!!!! Seriously.... I am a bitch. I'm a cunt. I'm fucking bi-fucking-sexual for Christ sake. Yet he loves me. I've been sexually abused. I have "daddy issues" and my biological mother is a bitch who any sane person would hate. I love her though, none the less. She's the female version of Peter Griffin. Don't just take my word for it, my friends agree. She doesn't know better than to act the way she does. Though ignorance is rarely an excuse, I allow it for her. She is the woman that is half responsible for my presence on this planet. By horrid biological father is the other half. My loving honey is one of the reasons that I haven't done something stupid...
But I'm freaking out!!! Who knew that I could get my bachelors in anything? Who knew that someone would actually marry me? Who knew that I could accomplish anything that I set my mind to?
I couldn't, I can't.... I'm freaking out
Then I'm wondering why in the world is CR and his friends not showing up in all the usual places. NONE of them were at the Aesop Rock show. None have been at the bar on any of the occasions I've been since October. October was the last time I talked to CR. I don't care what's goin on with CR but at the same time, it's really weird that they would all suddenly NOT show up at underground hip-hop shows and the bars that they ALL used to run. This, however, is contrary to what I knew prior to meeting any of them. Prior, I would go to Cave's and would not meet any of them. How am I sure you ask? Cuz Tito is a mixed dude with a 'hawk, that's how. So not seeing any of them at the bar is really fucking weird. I don't mind the calm, but not seeing any of them is just beyond weird! It's like going to work every day and then suddenly your boss isn't coming in and the only explanation you get is they're on a different shift, but really they're not cuz you rotate shifts and see that they are never there. It makes me worry, especially after the last time I ran into any of that crew. One person told me that don't give two shits what happened to CR and the other told me they were more worried about CR then they were about their speed habit. I'm not really worried about CR, but I don't want him & his friends avoiding where they would like to hang out (cuz that's where drinks are cheapest and closet to where any of them live) because of me. I know I have a HUGE ego but not like that.
Ok, I'm much more comfortable that things are going well for me. I'm really not used to things going well for me. If you've read some of my old blogs, you know that not everything has been easy. But I know that we're all due good things eventually. I can only hope that those old nightmares will NEVER come true. That way I can have my "happily ever after" and still live in reality.
Please pray for us. I know that sounds weird coming from me, however, I am a praying individual. Please pray for us, especially if you know our complete situation