I want to complain, but won't

I had to drop B off on post at 3 am this morning and I really wanted to whine about having to be alone for a week.  However, when I got back from dropping him off I saw a buddy of mine on Twitter's heartbreaking tweets about having to drop off her husband at the airport so he could go back to his deployment.  I can't complain.

B's coming back on Sunday and we'll have at least a month together before we start the deployment.  In addition, the deployment, though hard it may be, won't affect us quite like it does other couples.  We spent much of the last 13 years apart, on basically opposite sides of the country.  We have experience in long stretches of time apart.  My heart breaks for those who have never spent more than a weekend apart or less.  They've never had to worry like they do now.  I honestly can't imagine that for myself.  I'm used to being alone but most spouses are not.  I'm used to wondering if he's ok without me.  I'm used to knowing he's thinking of me so far away.  But most people don't know that feeling.  Most people don't know what it's like or how to cope with that sort of thing.  I'm not saying that the deployment is going to be easy for me.  I've gotten used to B's presence and his smell and his constant chatter.  I know he'll be in harms way, but to have experience being apart versus never being apart?  We have that... even with him being in harms way.  I'll never forget when I didn't hear from him for a year and it was due to him almost dying in Alaska.  I was so pissed for the longest I didn't hear from him and when I did, I got pissed at myself for not being more understanding.

Thinking on what some of those I chat with on a regular basis makes me realize how lucky I really have it.  I'm hear for anyone that needs an outlet to vent about the deployment they're going through.  I can give you advice from my experiences being so far from my hubby, though not a deployment...

An important note: all those years apart we spent, we weren't a couple, but really good friends.  However, that doesn't change that he loved me (and has since he was 14) and I loved him.

When I'm Alone

Ready for these daydreams
To become reality
And start the grand adventure
I've only dreamed

I can't believe
This is real
That someone would
Stick by me

Yet it's true
And a bit surreal
But I wouldn't have
It any other way

When you're near
It's heaven
And when we're apart
I look to the stars

The one constant
Over us both
Over the years
The stars

The moon smiles
And the stars blink
And they do the same
Over both of us as we sleep

When I'm feeling lonely
And need reassurance
I just go outside
And look above

I know that Orion
Is in about the same spot
Over your head
As he's over mine

And Venus hangs out
With the Moon and Mars
Whether over me
Or over you

So even when
We can not talk
And there is a mandatory silence
We've got the stars & moon

Circles (Past, Present, Future) [Revision of previous poem]

I find this circle
We are in
Beautiful

10 years ago
Things were much different
We were younger
Dumber
Blind

Then I did what I did
And it couldn't be undone
But I don't think I would
Even if I could
The experience
Was worth the tragedy
That shaped my adult life
In so many ways

Yet I knew it was just part
Of this long journey
That loops around itself
Never completing a true circle
But almost
Like the retrograde activities
Of Venus and Mars
Even including that great elliptical
Trip around the sun

I haven't told
But three souls
That I feel
This intense
This truly
For you

Not for a lose so long ago
Not for the him
The one who caused me
To break your heart in two
And made me happier
Than anyone
Except you

I don't expect
You to believe me
But you can accept
The words that I say

This beautiful circle
That's spun around
Like the Maya calendar
One ending
Is another beginning
And here we are
10 years later

I really can't expect
You to truly believe
That I love you
But I do
And I have
And I will

See and that was so long ago
Things happen
Tragic events that wound
But wounds heal

Time moves on
Washing away
The pains
And even some memories
Looping back around again
Close to the original spot
But not quite

Five years ago
The orbits didn't line up
The circle wasn't quite right
And here we are
A third time
I'm calling it
Our 2012

No Words

I don’t think words

Could ever express

Exactly what goes on

In my mind

I hear how lucky I am

And I can’t express to them

How truly lucky I am

To have you

The one that I’ve hurt

The one that’s heard

Every woe and whine

And is there still

The one that forgave

My mistakes and still

Stayed by my side

And cared

How do you express

How lucky you are

Other than with clichés

Such as blessed

We’re not a cliché

But this is the epitome

Of my love story dreams

And then some

To have the one who truly

Deeply, madly, without a doubt

Loves me, completely

Not just my look

The one who holds onto

Every word, recalls things

I lost somewhere over time

That help console me

I really can’t express

Truly, how lucky I am

Words will always falter

But I am

I can't sleep

I can't sleep...

I can't say exactly why. I know that if I fell asleep my dreams would not be an issue, lol. However my mind is going a hundred miles per hour. There is tons to think about and ponder. Day dreams to explore...

I'm really excited about the future. I don't think I've been this excited in some time. And the excitement isn't just from obvious reasons; my visions, as it were, have been quite clear and things are looking good. Well, the path I've choosen is the correct one, and things aren't going to end up like that horrid nightmare I had for 18 months (or something like that, those who know, know) and was just a fear being presented in dream form. Visions generally come from dreams, but not all dreams, even nightmares, are visions. That one was a nightmare, and that is it.

But I'm allowed my fears. Fears are natural and normal. It is when those fears rule our lives that there is an issue. Fears can cause us to send out unwarrented negative energy. Negative energy can endanger others if left unchecked. I will not endanger others with my fears. I have checked them. I think part of the fear is the lack of control I will have over that situation. However, I can not control everything. I have to remind myself of that fact often. I sometimes forget. However, I take control of what I can, actually and in reality, control. Such things are: school, whether I work at a job I like/don't like, who and where I hang out, you know things that I can control... Things I can't control though are like if some fool shows up where I'm at, my boss decides to be a douche, or UTA screws me outta of a grade (which they've done similar crap in the past).

So basically what I think I'm trying to get at is that I couldn't be any happier. Well, I could, but that requires it to be December, lol. Let me rephrase then, I could not be any happier right now!

Simplicity

I think I’ve found forever
In that simple look
Even from this distance

I know this is right
With all we’ve seen
Through all that has transpired

We are due this
From the point of yesterday
And through to forever

I see in your words
That this is real
Forever isn’t that long

I can’t believe that
During all this time
I’ve put this off so long

We are due this
From the point of the first kiss
And through to old age

I’m ready to be there
Whether you are next to me
Or not and away somewhere far off

I know that through it all
No matter how hard
And no matter how long

We will be there
From the point that I say I do
And until we’re grey and cranky

Bad Experiences Are No Excuse for Bad Behavior

I do not regret things I do. I do my best to learn from my mistakes. I do not make excuses for my actions based on my "disabilities." I'm bipolar and OCD, ADD, etc. I only mention these things when absolutely when necessary, like when I have to explain, in detail, why I HAVE to have 8 hours sleep to a professor. I control my bipolar with a combination of pot, sleep, diet, and breathing exercises. Honestly, the best control for it I have is I've trained myself to analyze my emotions, i.e. why am I feeling this emotion? Is it chemically induced or a reasonable response to an event? I control my OCD barely. I just keep myself from my baser impulses (such as repeatedly washing my hands) and have divulged into probably worse ones (smoking!). I was so obsessed with obsessing as a child, I would never wash my hands, unless in the bath, in fear of washing my hands raw. I also trained myself to focus because I attended an open concept elementary school (no walls) and had to do something to learn, and I wanted to learn.

Now to the real reason for this post. My father is in prison. I say father because I call my step-dad dad also, this will keep things simple. My father is there for child molestation. He got 20 years. I was a victim, but he was never charged for that. We lived in a really small town in Parker County Texas. Mom went to the Parker County Courthouse, but they said a 3 year old was lying. He finally assaulted the wrong child in the wrong town and was arrested. I saw my dad rarely after that. He got probation originally and wasn't supposed to be around anyone under 18. He met a woman with 2 kids and proceeded to go to prison for violating his probation. He's been in prison since around 1996.

But my father wasn't the only one to abuse me in this fashion, and I will not go into all of the details, however I will share that one was an uncle and the other a family friend who later said I shouldn't have been hiding in the shed during hide and seek. Needless to say, I was called a liar a lot. Then when I was 10 (and my family had been in Arlington for a couple years), I was stalked by some pervert who would call and make lewd comments and suggestions. This man continued to call until I was almost 16! I eventually ran into him in person at my first place. I knew it was him simply by his voice! That was one of the scariest days of my life!

You add these experiences to a child who had emotional outbursts (to the point of being tested for epilepsy) and you can imagine the drama when I was 10 and what my mother had to go through (and she's crazy too!). However, I rarely shared these experiences until I was in high school.

I didn't even start telling what I went through until I had to endure the "problems" of the freshmen that were suddenly put in my high school my junior year. Prior to that year freshmen were in the junior highs in Arlington, TX. I started hearing kids whine about how their parents were still together and they were so mean because they grounded them for swearing. They would even say these types of behavior would lead to them cutting themselves. Then there were the kids who whined about their parents spanked them. Damn, my mom sent my sister and me to school with black eyes! I didn't tell anyone, I thought it was obvious where they were coming from, until a counselor told me if I stopped fighting with my sister we would stop coming to school with black eyes. Yeah, you read that right. Finally I got tired of the whines of people that didn't know what pain was and began telling people my story. This was soon followed by a long line of people telling me "You are so strong" and eventually lead to "Stop lying, you're just trying to one-up her."

Gradually, the "You're so strong" comments did grow on me and I began to play up these events of my life. I even used them to get out of the Army (not my best moment in my life, but a good blog entry for another day). Over time, I did get on the "pity me" bandwagon, but quickly got off of it when I realized I had become exactly what I hated.

The irony of this tale is that the abuses of my childhood did move into my adult life. I ended up in a very abusive relationship after Gary was murdered (see my blog on him). I think that relationship is what spurred my eating up the attention from the "You're so strong" crowd. Combine this with getting my first car at 21 and the fact my mom wouldn't let me go anywhere even as an adult (until I got the car), you get a girl who just wanted some "positive" attention.

However, I can not regret anything I have done. All my actions have made me into the individual I am today. It gets me so mad to see people depending on pills (my experience has never been good) and blame the bad experiences in their lives for every mistake they have ever made and why they live lives of lies. If a bipolar, OCD, ADD, epileptic girl can live a practically normal life (normal is so relative) than anyone can, especially without the mental health issues! All you have to do is realize that you control your reactions and you control yourself. You can not control others, you can not control the world, but you can control yourself. If you know something triggers a "disability" than stay away from it (my triggers are whiskey and malt liquor). If you know a particular activity is very calming for you and is not bad for your health, do that. Meds are not the cure all and making excuses for your behavior is worse than thinking that "lucky rabbits foot" is the reason you win or lose. Chance is up to fate and fate is not determined by us, but by God, and His will will be done!

Just Cuz It Walks & Talks Like a Duck, Doesn't Make It a Duck

After a comment that was made this weekend, and the overriding sentiment that it must be true, I'm addressing my sexuality in today's blog. I am a straight female who is somewhat masculine. I love my JNCO shorts and t-shirts and I wear bandannas on my head. Some small children said I sounded like a boy and dressed like a boy and had no boobies. Well, compared to their mom and my best friend, no I don't. But since when was a 38C small, I don't know...ANYWHO!! Well, I told the boys "Just cuz it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, doesn't make it a duck." They looked at me confused, but I think we are all adult enough on here to understand what I mean. Just because I dress like a "dyke" doesn't make me a dyke. It just makes me a masculine woman. I am not attracted to women. I do have an appreciation of the female form, but it is from an artistic perspective only...well that and boobs are just cool. I could never see myself with a woman, no matter how confused I've been over the years about who and what I am. Besides, chiks are crazy. I can at least relate with a guy.

I really don't even know why I feel I must explain this to you all. Most of you know this already, but maybe there is a someone else out there who is like me. You know, it was comments like "dyke" and lesbian that confused me growing up. If no one would have called me names in regards to my sexual identity I would have never questioned it. I knew I liked boys, I just liked their clothes too. No one seemed to understand that you could be completely straight and dress like the opposite sex. There are guys out there that do that to.

What's sad is the men that are like this get it even worse then us females. I remember being in high school and I would come home telling my mom that someone called me a "fag" and she would tell me "if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck." Well, you know it might not be a duck, it may be a chicken in clown shoes and a funny nose.

Thought Storm

The rain is falling
And my mind is racing
Words sound like the puddles forming
Under my window
I try to concentrate
But the lightening only illuminates
Bits
Pieces
And revelations boom
Then the gentle whisper
Of thousands of thoughts
I can't make out the individuals
Only the steady hum
And the revelations echo
A common sentiment
Love
Loss
Cleansing, renewal
As the power cuts on and off
I wait for the thoughts
To pronounce themselves
As the hail hits the roof