I have no room to talk but.........

I have no room to talk but if you are going to say the trauma in your life has shaped you into the confused, fucked up, overly emotional person you are today, please, for the love of all that is holy, make sure that the only trauma in your life is NOT your momma not lovin you enough!  Unless you've gone through MULTIPLE sexual abuses, followed by physical abuse, followed by being stalked WHILE being abused by one of your parents, WHILE being sexually abused still, followed by physical abuse, followed by bullying, followed by adult rape.... oh yeah, this doesn't even cover it..... yet I still act like a sane, rational human while in public.  The only person that has to deal with my regressions is my husband, who is the 2nd most patient human you've ever met, only trumped by my step-dad (who I call Dad), because he is the only person that I TRUST enough to act like this.  I CHOOSE to act like an ADULT in public.  If you are acting like a 3 year old while in public and are my age than maybe you should seek therapy.  I sought it, only because I wasn't acting my AGE in PRIVATE.  I got a grip a long time ago and I'm so sick of seeing people around my age say that DUE to abuse they went through they are sad fucks with no potential.  HELLO! You only had Mummy hit you ONCE with a brush or a rolling pin, get the fuck over it!

To those that don't understand abuse... don't worry, you grew up adjusted and probably HELPED those that were being abused in so many ways overcome what they were going through (Jenny, you helped me growing up more than you'll ever know).  And even those who may have been going through less but still abuse, you helped those going through worse than you.  I know when we were all younger we didn't talk about what was going on at home, but we kind of all knew who was going through hell and who wasn't.  We all affected each other in such great ways, even the bullies helped you develop.  So those who try to say they are weak and feeble for what they went through, go ahead and just off yourself because you obviously have ZERO strength and will die after a paper cut of reality anyways, so finish it.  Do you know after all I've gone through how many times I've attempted suicide? ZERO! Yeah, you heard that right, I've attempted suicide ZERO times.  Do you know why?  Because I knew that suicide is a cowards way out and running away was way easier

Ok, my points have ran out and I'm sure Ive pissed off some folks, good, life goes on

From my MySpace Blog

I've been sooooooo busy. Between graduating college, getting married, and now packing for the big move some time soon, I haven't been writing as much. Plus, many of my poems are just rehashes of the same happy sentiments over and over again, no problem with that though :)

I will be posting a list of things for sale in a bulletin soon. I'm not sure if anyone will want any of it, but who knows. I'm going to miss all my Texas friends and family, but I cannot wait to start married life. I feel so lucky to have my honey and after reading through so many journals, poems, random writings, and bits of paper that I've had packed away from over the years, my honey has been that rock over the years. Some of what I've read has upset me, brought back old pains, but has shown me how much I've grown over the years. Some of you have personally seen this growth, others just know me as I am now. I have not always been the rock that many of you see today, especially after some of the things I've read. There were so many entries of how depressed I was or who I was dating at the time or who I was allowing to use me as a doormat. The fact that I made it through all the abuses, the assaults, the drunken stupidity in one piece is a testament to the fact that I am a strong person and have learned from my mistakes, trails, and experiences. I think the most difficult entries to read were those from the 2001. What I went through then can only be compared to the darkest moments of my childhood. I don't remember most of that and I count myself blessed that I don't.

Why then do I keep the old journals? My plan is to use those later as a way to, as accurately as possible, compile my autobiography in hopes of reaching out to young women, and even men, who have gone through some of the same things. I will continue to live by my policy that bad experiences are no excuse for bad behavior.

I love my sweetie, and I miss him something awful. Be safe out there and if you're Arlington side, you need to see me before I leave state.

Bad Experiences Are No Excuse for Bad Behavior

I do not regret things I do. I do my best to learn from my mistakes. I do not make excuses for my actions based on my "disabilities." I'm bipolar and OCD, ADD, etc. I only mention these things when absolutely when necessary, like when I have to explain, in detail, why I HAVE to have 8 hours sleep to a professor. I control my bipolar with a combination of pot, sleep, diet, and breathing exercises. Honestly, the best control for it I have is I've trained myself to analyze my emotions, i.e. why am I feeling this emotion? Is it chemically induced or a reasonable response to an event? I control my OCD barely. I just keep myself from my baser impulses (such as repeatedly washing my hands) and have divulged into probably worse ones (smoking!). I was so obsessed with obsessing as a child, I would never wash my hands, unless in the bath, in fear of washing my hands raw. I also trained myself to focus because I attended an open concept elementary school (no walls) and had to do something to learn, and I wanted to learn.

Now to the real reason for this post. My father is in prison. I say father because I call my step-dad dad also, this will keep things simple. My father is there for child molestation. He got 20 years. I was a victim, but he was never charged for that. We lived in a really small town in Parker County Texas. Mom went to the Parker County Courthouse, but they said a 3 year old was lying. He finally assaulted the wrong child in the wrong town and was arrested. I saw my dad rarely after that. He got probation originally and wasn't supposed to be around anyone under 18. He met a woman with 2 kids and proceeded to go to prison for violating his probation. He's been in prison since around 1996.

But my father wasn't the only one to abuse me in this fashion, and I will not go into all of the details, however I will share that one was an uncle and the other a family friend who later said I shouldn't have been hiding in the shed during hide and seek. Needless to say, I was called a liar a lot. Then when I was 10 (and my family had been in Arlington for a couple years), I was stalked by some pervert who would call and make lewd comments and suggestions. This man continued to call until I was almost 16! I eventually ran into him in person at my first place. I knew it was him simply by his voice! That was one of the scariest days of my life!

You add these experiences to a child who had emotional outbursts (to the point of being tested for epilepsy) and you can imagine the drama when I was 10 and what my mother had to go through (and she's crazy too!). However, I rarely shared these experiences until I was in high school.

I didn't even start telling what I went through until I had to endure the "problems" of the freshmen that were suddenly put in my high school my junior year. Prior to that year freshmen were in the junior highs in Arlington, TX. I started hearing kids whine about how their parents were still together and they were so mean because they grounded them for swearing. They would even say these types of behavior would lead to them cutting themselves. Then there were the kids who whined about their parents spanked them. Damn, my mom sent my sister and me to school with black eyes! I didn't tell anyone, I thought it was obvious where they were coming from, until a counselor told me if I stopped fighting with my sister we would stop coming to school with black eyes. Yeah, you read that right. Finally I got tired of the whines of people that didn't know what pain was and began telling people my story. This was soon followed by a long line of people telling me "You are so strong" and eventually lead to "Stop lying, you're just trying to one-up her."

Gradually, the "You're so strong" comments did grow on me and I began to play up these events of my life. I even used them to get out of the Army (not my best moment in my life, but a good blog entry for another day). Over time, I did get on the "pity me" bandwagon, but quickly got off of it when I realized I had become exactly what I hated.

The irony of this tale is that the abuses of my childhood did move into my adult life. I ended up in a very abusive relationship after Gary was murdered (see my blog on him). I think that relationship is what spurred my eating up the attention from the "You're so strong" crowd. Combine this with getting my first car at 21 and the fact my mom wouldn't let me go anywhere even as an adult (until I got the car), you get a girl who just wanted some "positive" attention.

However, I can not regret anything I have done. All my actions have made me into the individual I am today. It gets me so mad to see people depending on pills (my experience has never been good) and blame the bad experiences in their lives for every mistake they have ever made and why they live lives of lies. If a bipolar, OCD, ADD, epileptic girl can live a practically normal life (normal is so relative) than anyone can, especially without the mental health issues! All you have to do is realize that you control your reactions and you control yourself. You can not control others, you can not control the world, but you can control yourself. If you know something triggers a "disability" than stay away from it (my triggers are whiskey and malt liquor). If you know a particular activity is very calming for you and is not bad for your health, do that. Meds are not the cure all and making excuses for your behavior is worse than thinking that "lucky rabbits foot" is the reason you win or lose. Chance is up to fate and fate is not determined by us, but by God, and His will will be done!