Saturday, August 29, 2009

Old Journal Entries Lead to Insite

I had a poem idea and didn't want to just post it. Well, I grabbed my newest journal that I bought in 2007. The first entry amused me. I'm going to post that first entry now, inserts of my own now will be in parenthesis.

Intro-ductory matters...

"Where to begin?" is a good question. Seeing as I've kept journals continuously until Gary passing in April 2000, I do not want to back track to far. However, I do want to make known certain facts that may help along the way.

1) I have a horrible knack for jumping to strange conclusions based on tidbits that are either very loosely related or not related at all, i.e. thinking Chris was on speed continuously (though in that time he was for the most part).

2) I used (to) not do anything impulsive AT ALL. I kept to the try & true paths I'd known. then I did something impulsive! Oh geesh, I have to watch myself!

3) I can see & hear spirits, I have prophetic dreams, and other spiritual gifts. I believe that my first born will save the world and I am a member of God's Army. (Though now that I think back, my first born is just the key to the salvation of the world, but I'm still a God Spawn)

4) When I'm single, I can be a "slut," however when I'm in a relationship I am very monogamous. (Despite my attraction to females, I would never have a threesome while in a relationship as it is cheating on my partner since I'd be with someone other than them, even with their consent.)

5) I've studied most major religions & grew up as a Baptist. When I was (around) four years old, I asked my mom if I could be a nun :). Now, if I attend church it is Catholic mass. {I practiced Wicca for (almost) over a decade.}

6) I'm in love with one of the sweetest (dumbest) guys ever. One day I hope to be Mrs. Ross (I'm going to be Mrs. Wilks, thank you very much!)!

7) I'm an Anthropology major at the University of Texas at Arlington. I love school and am (a) self-proclaimed nerd. (I'm now an English major and will be graduating in December.)

So, there you have some basic facts about me. Let's see though, I work at ********* as a receptionist, Chris and I have a wonderful furchild, Spitfire (I miss her!), and my 96 Taurus is haunted by a ghost named Anne Marie and she is a BITCH! (She really was)

My purpose in this journal is to keep an accurate record of things to come & dreams I have, since I do realize that I have a tendency to skew my own perception of things & my "mental condition" is usually to blame, even if I hate using that reason. Hopefully by keeping a journal I can capture the little wonderful things in life on paper and trap the bad.

7/6/2007 0945

Same day:

Quote in Celtic Myth & Magick by Edain McCoy

"Three things that foster high spirits: self-esteem, courting, drunkenness." -From The 33 Triads, ninth century

"What is title, what is treasure, What is reputation's care? If we lead a life of pleasure, Tis no matter how or where!" - Robert Burns

"Three excellent qualities in dress: style, comfort, durability." - From The 33 Triads, ninth century (And that's how I dress)

"For everything is sacred, poetry of heavenly nature is on these hills" -Islwyn

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious." -Albert Einstein

"Seek first the gifts of the spirit. And those of mankind will surely follow." -Matthew D. O'Reilly

"Ni bhionn an rath ach mar a mbionn an smacht" {There is no luck except where there is discipline.} -Irish Proverb

(Skip some, there are tons of quotes from this book)

"But to see her was to love her, Love but her, and love forever." -William Butler Yeats

*****"If you be too talkative, you will not be heeded, If you be too silent, you will not be regarded..." from The Book of Acaill

"Golden slumbers kiss your eyes, Smiles awake you when you rise..." -Thomas Dekker

1614 7/6/2007

To quote myself: "I've been fascinated however with how the words have been spilling from me. It is as someone who has starved or thirst and finally come across refreshment. There is so much I would love to express, but those are the words that escape me. To double back on myself, I think my unfamiliarity with my own hand is contributed to my heavy use of computers and the impersonal air of the typed word. Even more now than ever, one must find their voice in writing to distinguish them from the other impersonal type coming into the hands of the reader" (I'm so freaking brilliant at times, lol.)

My fave line I've read (that is so wrong I LOL'ed) is "As he's (Chris) said previously, he does not hold grudges." WTF?!?! He still held that lone kiss that no one saw against me til the day we called it quits. And the most fucked up thing in this journal is that I have a schedule of my approximate day and I have scheduled in "sex with Chris!" WTF! One should not have to put that into a schedule to keep a relationship going!

My conclusions after reading about a month's worth of entries in this journal that I wrote a brief poem in? Damn I was a dumb ass not to see that Chris was reading my journal back then. No wonder he didn't "remember" me telling him I had a miscarriage, cuz it wasn't written in that entry. What a dumb ass! What really gets me is how censored the journal is. How I would pussy foot around the real issues. They are addressed to some degree, but really I pussy footed around them to a degree that you can very well see the state of our relationship (not good).

To answer a question I asked in this journal on 7.25.07 "How do you prove to someone that your betrayal was an isolated incident? Or how do you show someone that you would never intentionally hurt them again?" Easy, if they truly love you, they will forgive you and move on. I know this for a fact now. I truly know what it is to not hold a grudge. If ANYONE had a right to hold a grudge against a transgression of mine, it's B, not Chris. I actually, truly, cheated on B in 99. All I did to Chris was accidentally kiss a guy when I was crying on his shoulder. But B forgave me and moved past it, way past it (considering he asked me to marry him the first time in 2004). The beauty of this entire situation is that I'm sure that without the troubles I went through with Chris, I would not be able to recognize that now. I would not be able to see how lucky I really am. B doesn't ever bring up that incident. Chris brought up that incident regularly.

I think what I'm getting at here, is that I knew I had grown as a person, but not to what extent until I opened this journal to write a brief poem in it. I am truly lucky!

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