Quick Update

As we approach Christmas, of course the Deployment Fairy would strike.  Sable, my female roan, has a mass on her intestine.  She's now not eating or drinking water.  She's still running around like a mad woman when she's up, but usually it's to find the potty pad to make a lil mess.  I'm really worried about her.  I'll be going out of town soon too.  All of this couldn't have happened at a worse time obviously.  Well, that's the update.  Sable goes in for surgery first thing in the morning so I'm going to bed soon.

I am humbled

I asked some friends to read a thing I was asked to write.  What I had to write isn't what this is about.  No this is about the responses I got back from my friends that have me counting my blessings and knowing exactly what it is to be humbled in praise.

I often hear from people how they think that I'm cool or awesome, but those words are easily thrown around and besides, I say them all the time!  However, hearing that I'm some's rock and other's hero makes me feel a way that I've never felt and that can only be described as humble.  I'm not worthy of such praise.  I do my best to be there for everyone and give advice that is relevant to a person's situation.  I relate it to my own experiences to show why I think it will work.  I don't think anything of it and never realized just how much I have apparently helped people.  I don't do it for the feeling, I do it cuz I really do love helping people when I can.  And the praise I've received has produced a different feeling in me.

I would usually expect a feeling of pride.  A feeling that of pride based in the fact that I have helped someone and they like me for it.  But this is not pride.  I bow my head at the compliments and smile shyly as they comments come to me and say "this is what I'm here for."  I even feel like I'm bragging by writing this.  But I'm not.  I've just never felt humble like this before.  It's such a foreign feeling for me, that if I was a robot, my processors would short circuit.  (Yes, that's a bad joke right there, you may laugh)

Things that I Hate (cuz I'm in a bad mood & from a Facebook Status)

Things I hate: totally congested sinuses, people belittling married women without children, ear infections, not answering emails sent over social media when the other person can see you have spent massive amounts of time online since the email was sent, people with kids not wanting to be around people without kids, narrow minded bigots, hormones, zombies...

... people thinking any part of a vague status such as this one is about them and then makes a scene in the comments, people that think every comment people make on Twitter is about them, paranoid freaks, Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber fans (except Kellie), malt liquor, the Saw movies, the bubonic plague, dog farts, the smell of my neighbors' cigarette smoke in my condo, mayonnaise, sour cream, people who think their spouse going on a week long business trip is the same as my husband being deployed, passing a semi-trunk of Fountain Blvd...

... people who say they're fat when really they need to gain weight, fat people that dress like they're skinny, finding ferret poop on the carpet though I've watched their every move, politicians trying to convince people that the other side is completely wrong, marshmallows unless they're in cereal, liver and onions, mustard, people believing a known liar when they come to them with a rumor, He-Man, girlie things...

... a limp dead-fish handshake, the smell of vinegar, people who make horrific accusations about things they have no clue about and without getting all the facts, most strippers, the lack of alcohol & smokes in cartoons now, Disney remakes of classics, the spin off movies from Disney classics like the Tinkerbell movies *shudder*, people who are convinced that their parents treated one of their siblings better than them when in reality they were the one being "spoiled", pick pockets, video games with absolutely NO controls tutorials at the very beginning, self-righteous hypocrites...

... anyone who believes an eye for an eye, eye boogers, bloody noses, the sheer ignorance of the general public, main stream media (for the most part), incompetent bastards, being so far from my nieces and nephews, being so far away from my husband, the changes to all my fave toys from the 80s, jokes that go over my head, people who claim that they never get sad or upset, people who constantly tell me how strong I am, cinnamon flavored candies...

I'm sure I can add to this later

The Answer to Your Question is:

I've been getting a lot of questions about what's my secret to my weight loss.... Well folks, it's really not a secret.  While I was in college, the first couple years I didn't exercise other than walking from my car to my classes and I ate fast food often.  When I got to almost 190 lbs in 2008 I knew something had to be done quick as I weighed as much as my mom for the first time ever in my life.  I did start off with a strict diet for the first 6 months of this journey, but I've lost most of the weight doing the little things that everyone can do to make themselves healthier and in the end make themselves lighter.

Here are the basic things to remember, and that we hear from doctors and the news repeatedly:

1) drink WATER!  Most people don't drink anywhere near enough and they consume beverages such as soda in  abundance.  Diet soda doesn't help as the sweet flavor triggers things in your brain to make you crave REAL sugar and many people who drink diet soda end up overeating.  In addition, the carbonation in soda makes you bloated and the high sodium of all sodas make you retain water.  Water helps curb cravings and usually when you feel hungry it's because you're actually dehydrated.  Drink 8-16 oz of water and if after that you're still hungry, eat something light.

2)  Don't eat meat at every meal!  I know, it sounds bizarre.  However, most people eat too much meat and it's usually heavily processed.  If you substitute a vegan meat substitute for at least one meal a day, you will see immediate results, usually in how you overall feel.  I recommend trying the Morning Star "Chik'n" Nuggets or using their "crumblers" as a substitute for ground meat in things like hamburger helpers or in tacos.  You just season it like you would hamburger meat.

3) Eat your veggies & fruit!  They're not only good for you, but they contain water and are usually low calorie.    Just make sure you don't slather them in butter or cheese as that counteracts the nutritional value of the veggies.  Broccoli with a vegan cheese substitute is actually a good option and tastes great too!

4)  Move!  Even if you don't have time to do an actual workout, move.  I will do things like overhand claps, jumping jacks, crunches, or walking or running up and down the stairs at random times.  If you take a few minutes periodically through out the day, you end up exercising more than if you wanted to make it to the gym and then don't show up cuz you're tired after a long day.

5)  Take a moment to just breath!  Take a moment to just stretch.  Whether it's just trying to touch your toes or sitting down with legs extended and reaching in front of you, just stretch those muscles and you will feel much better & refreshed.  Being stressed out can cause you to hold onto unwanted weight since it produces cortisol, a hormone, that can cause you to hold onto weight and not digest food properly.  When we become overly stressed, our bodies divert blood away from our digestive system to allow us to deal with the situation at hand.  This causes the body to not process nutrients properly and can cause weight gain.

So really, these aren't secrets.  They've been said repeatedly on the news, by tv doctors, and on the internet.  It's all about life style changes.  I have had only 3 sodas in the last month and I haven't had a donut since like March if not February.  I do have a weakness for ice cream, and it can be enjoyed, I just do so in smaller amounts.  I'd be lying if I said I don't enjoy a cheeseburger at McDonald's on occasion and will eat some of my fave foods.  The key is moderation and to know they are treats.  I did totally pig out on pizza last weekend and felt bloated and yucky afterwards, but boy was it good!  But did I return to my old eating habits I had in college?  No, Monday I went back to my normal eating habits and will remember that pizza with great fondness and may order another one in a month or so.  Our favorite guilty food pleasures should be enjoyed seldom.  This way they can really be enjoyed and savored.... Mmmmm now I want some fried chicken, and not the vegan variety or the better for you Chick-fil-a stuff either, good ol' fashion greasy fried chicken LOL... I'll just day dream about it cuz I can't splurge for awhile :)

SQUEEEE

When I first started this blog, I started mostly with my attempts at losing weight and making positive lifestyle choices.  Well here we are 2 years later and I have finally got to my first major goal, weight wise, when I first started my lifestyle changes.  In October 2008, I weighed over 185 and in 6 months I had lost 15 lbs.  It has taken me until now to get below 150 lbs!  I am 5'4" and a healthy weight for me is from 130-145.  I have a new goal now!  I want to reach 140 by my 30th birthday in January.  I think 9 lbs in 3 months isn't impossible and I know I can do it.

I'm already seeing changes in how my clothes fit and it's a good thing, though I want someone to explain to me why the sleeves of women's t-shirts are so damn small!  I had this problem back in 99 after I got out of the Army (weighing more than I do now).  Do they think that women have tiny arms, even if they're skinny?  It's so irritating.  I really hate having to by larger tops just so my arms aren't having the blood cut off by the sleeves.  I have to say having most of your shorts almost fall off is awesome!  The only thing keeping them on is my "bubble" butt LOL.

I'm sure I'm going to annoy some to no end with my enthusiasm about the weight loss and the leaning of my body, but I haven't been so stoked and motivated!

Day 47

I just noticed I haven't posted in awhile and I'm sorry.  I've just been going about life as close to normal as I can.  I've been working out and trying to get down to weight but it seems the more I try, the more I see nothing on the scale or the tape, yet I can see that my abs are getting flatter... Oh well.  I haven't had a soda in 3 days now.  Yes, I do have a Red Bull in the morning, but hey, a girl needs her B vitamins and the caffeine!  I've been drinking LOTS of water and eating well.  Most of my diet is either vegetarian or health food.  I do treat myself to something not so good for me, but it's not all the time.  I do love me a cheeseburger on occasion lol.

I do have to say that Skype is so awesome!  Getting to see my hubby brings me so much joy and helps the days without hearing from him a bit easier to deal with.  I'm pretty sure he'll be proud of my keeping up the work out. I have say I did take a break from it when all the drama started happening but I think exercising is helping me deal with stress of it all.  I'm already seeing an improvement in my stress induced stomach issues and in the hair loss.  That is always good, but I am tired of the hair in my brush...

Well, not really much else to say, it's lunch time & I'm starved and I've got a ferret running around like a crazed loon.

Sleep Brings Perspective

After sleep and some beer last night and the help of many good friends, I'm doing much better today and I'm reminded of what I tell myself every time I get down about things that happen in my life.  No matter what I'm going through, there is always someone who has it worse.  When I am short on cash, there is a person that lost their job and is now homeless desperately seeking a place to stay and a new job.  When I miss my husband, someone has lost theirs.  When my health is poor, there is someone who is battling a terrible disease or does not have access to any health care.  When I am battling with my emotions that come naturally to anyone in my position, someone else is battling a chemical imbalance that causes them not to be able to control their emotions. When I think my friends are ignoring me, there is someone in a war zone or in training who really is being ignored by those they thought were friends and family.  When I yearn for having children, there is a couple that has tried and failed, whether they have fertility issues or have lost a child.  When I get upset about the ferrets using the carpet, there is someone who wishes they had a pet to keep them company.  When I whine about not being able to go grad school until the Fall of 2011, there is someone who has longed for a college education but cannot go due to financial or family issues.

There are many ways to look at any negative thing that happens, there is always someone going through something worse.  We live in a spoiled country.  Even our poor have video game systems and get to go to school (of course this does not include the homeless).  We have access, even when we have no money, to healthcare.  Sure, many go bankrupt due to the expense of using the ER, but they can still go and get taken care of.  So many are less fortunate than we are.  So many have gone through more than we can imagine.  Even I see this, and I have not had an easy life.  I've gone through more in one life than many would experience in several life times, but there are still those who have gone through more.  There are villages being destroyed and the women raped and children "recruited" into militias.  There are families losing their homes due to flood, mud slides, or foreclosure.  We are all blessed and should reflect on it in our most difficult moments.  It brings perspective to our lives.

P.S. If you comment that many bring things upon themselves, I'll have to delete you from any site that we may be friends on as there are many things that we are born into, things that no amount of precaution on our part that happen, things that happen due to corrupt governments... I could go on.  We should not judge those less fortunate than us and reach out to them.

The Email Exchange

So the friend I deleted's wife sent me an email through my friend's MySpace account, this is the exchange.  I will note that I never finished reading the email I received as I couldn't stand the grammar and spelling.... Here it is, please tell me I wasn't too harsh:

The email I received:

hi this is aunna im sorry to be wrighting u im sure ull erase this and not read it but thats ur choice..... any ways on the situation about u comming is not a good ideal at this time there are things going on that im not going to explain to u thats between me and my husband if he wants to tell u then so be it ............ any ways my trust level with steven is at a -100 ok .      it would be better if ur husband was comming it would be a better situation for us   and yes that is respect and its not bull shit  thats respect my husbend is trying to show me to re build my trust with him its a long process and im so sorry that its an inconveance to u but thats the way life is. im sure u would understand  if u lost trust w/ur hubby  theres just situations u cannot put ur spouce in when ur trying to fix somthing that has been shaddered ,may be later on in a year or so it wouldent be a problem for u to show up im just saying theres no reson to remove some one when u havent even asked what the prob is or ask why the visit is not recominded at this time. it makes me feel and think theres more to this visit than meeting me and kids for u to act that way and just wright steven off without knowing the details  and yes it would probly have been more respectfull if u would have written me and asked about a visit i would all ways respect the oppesets spouce in any situation like if we were to come there steven would respect ur marrage and talk to ur husband about it sence there was a relation ship between the two of u and if u dont under stand what im saying then so be it ..... but that did hurt my husbands feelings how u just wrote him off  and a true freand would ask why and not just wright u off.  its no skin off my back if u keeped us deleted but for my husband i just wanted u to know that how u did it with wrighting him off was BS and if there was more to this visit than just meeting the family then donot readd us or him to anything because thats how it seems to me.

My response:


Aunna (sorry if I misspelled your name) I don't care WHAT the excuse is.  I remember when I was with my ex and Steven had to "sneak" to call me because he was afraid you would be mad and you weren't even married.  I'm not a threat.  My fuckin husband is in Afghanistan or he would be with me.  I didn't even read all the email as I can NOT read such poor spelling and grammar.  It gives me a severe headache and I'm sorry, I have more important things to do than give myself a headache due to someone who can't use the built in spell check that comes with your browser and computer.  I deleted both of you because I cannot be friends with someone that I can't have contact with because their significant other doesn't trust them with a long time friend.  Sadly, this means that I have to hurt my long time friend who has been there when no one else was, even if my spouse was practically dead when I thought no one else was there.  Sure, I wasn't married to him then and in a relationship with someone else at the time, but Brandon, my husband and best friend, has always been there, even after I CHEATED on him in 99.  Yeah, if ANYONE has a reason to distrust someone, it would be my spouse.  I don't know what y'all are going through, and honestly at this time I don't care.  I only wanted to see y'all and meet YOU because I knew you had an issue with his friendship with me since the get-go.  My husband could die at the hands of a terrorist any day at any time and at no control of anyone because there are people out there that hate this country.  My biological father (Steven can tell you about what a louse he is) just got transferred to the prison in Snyder and I would have to go through Lubbock to get back to Colorado.  I NEVER, in a million years, thought there would be an issue with meeting in public to meet y'all.  And to be perfectly honest, it's not a respect thing.  No, it's a control thing on your part.  My husband actually encourages me to hang out with my male friends while he's away because he knows they are ONLY friends and that's with me cheating on him!  Yeah, take that in, swallow it, digest it, and shit it out.  I'm sorry that y'all are going through things, but from where I stand, it's been going on since I started dating my ex and that was over 4 years ago!  

And despite the anger and hurt I feel, I hope that you can work through what ever it is that y'all are going through and can have a happy and long marriage.

Peace, love, and blessings (despite the very negative feelings I'm feeling towards EVERYONE right now)

Christina WILKS (haven't been a Dunaway in 8 months)

Please mind the back story.  I've known Steven since 2001.  We did date, briefly, in 01 and again in 05.  I really don't count 05 since nothing ever happened and well, I kinda knew nothing was going to happen.  However, Steven was always there when Brandon couldn't be there via phone or email.  When I asked to come visit THEM, I even said in public.  I did not ask to see just Steven.  I didn't make any suggestion that B was going to be there.  I specifically said, multiple times that B was deployed on Facebook and MySpace.  I'm pissed even more than I was earlier, starting this morning than I was when Steven told me that I couldn't see them when I asked if I could meet them on my way back to Colorado.  Please, tell me I was wrong or right so that I can stop beating myself up over deleting him, but I am pretty much sure I was right.  I still haven't finished the email as I really can't finish the first few lines.


Thanks for listening!

Trust in Marriage

So I have this friend, he's married and has 4 kids, 2 of which are actually his.  I've known him since 2001, almost a decade.  Sure we dated a couple times, but things just never worked out.  Not because he is a bad guy, but because I just wasn't into him like that, despite him being such an awesome guy.  He's been married 4 or 5 yrs now and the entire time his woman (or should I say girl with how she's acting) has never liked me or trusted him to talk to me.  I don't understand why as I am the one that broke up with him both times we dated and both times it was because I just knew it wasn't what I wanted and I knew it wouldn't work out well in the end.  I'm glad I made that decision so long ago, but he's always been one of my best friends.  We have never talked about anything inappropriate when we do talk; however, this girl has never liked us talking.  It was so bad that my friend would sneak to text me, deleting the texts before he got home.  Now, we rarely ever talk, though he's a friend of mine on Facebook and MySpace, because of his wife.  I am planning a trip to Texas and thought that since they live so close to the town that my biological father is now in, I could meet this crazy woman and all their kids so that she can see that I'm not a threat and never was.

However, I got a message from him today asking if B would be with me when I come to Texas.  I informed my friend that no, B's deployed and I would be making the trip by myself.  He then says that it's best that I not come and visit as it's a "respect thing."  I am not sure how that's a respect thing.  I see it as this woman is so distrustful that she's not even willing to meet the woman she's seen as a threat for so long.  I did not say that I wanted only to see him.  I made it perfectly clear I only wanted to see his entire family.  However, this woman has serious trust issues and so, instead of telling my friend what I think of his woman, I said it's cool and dropped it.  But I'm raving mad about this!  I've never done anything for this woman to have a reason to believe that I would try and take her man.  I've never said anything that would make her think this either, however she doesn't trust me or him.

I honestly feel if there is no trust in a relationship, there cannot be a relationship.  Despite what I did over a decade ago, B trusts me.  He knows the reasons behind what happened a decade ago and doesn't hold it against me.  He even encourages me to see and talk to my friends, whether male or female, ex or not.  He knows that if they're an ex, I have no desire to be with them.  We broke up for a reason, and usually distrust is the reason.  Most of my life, all my friends were guys.  Does that mean that I got it on with all of them?  Hell no!  The only ones that I have are the ones that I dated and would never go back to that again... Like I said, we broke up for a reason.  B trusts me completely, and I him.  So how does a person stay in a relationship, get married, have kids, and not trust their spouse?  How does someone stay with someone who does not trust them?

I was with a man who did not trust me.  Some of you know about CR and our rocky relationship.  For those that don't, I'll give you the run down of the 3.5 years for distrust and heartache.  CR and I were fine at first but soon the trust fell out of the relationship because CR couldn't stand me having guy friends.  We broke up the first time because a guy I knew kissed me and I didn't tell him about it.  We got back together a month later, but it was soon evident that he still didn't trust me.  I had a stack of pictures, most from high school and the first couple of years after, sitting on an end table, face down, that I was fixing to put away and he discovered them and became irate that I even had them.  It didn't matter that I hadn't seen most of those people in years or that they were only friends, it was "disrespectful" to him to have pictures of other guys in his apartment.  Excuse me?  I guess there was no trust.  And yes, I did stay with him after that.  When we broke up the 2nd time, it was an escalation of that and other incidents.  Things were so tense between us when we broke up the second time, between my pictures of all my guy friends, to the fact he would get pissed off that I was going out with my girl friends and so I would stay in, but I couldn't stand it.  And of course we got back together after we broke up, but didn't live together that time.  This time, things weren't as tense, but mostly due to the fact that I wouldn't tell him when I hit the bar after hangin at his place, but eventually we did break up a third and final time, not due to trust issues, but due to the fact he wouldn't follow me to grad school.  I will admit that the trust issues were part of it, but we didn't say that.

That story proves that if there is no trust, there can't be a real relationship.  I've broke up with other guys for less, and have broke up with guys because they didn't trust me.  Why I stayed with CR for so long?  I don't know anymore (and we broke up a lil over a year ago), other than I loved the guy even though I knew he was completely wrong for me.  I knew there wasn't anything really there.  I knew that without trust it would never work out, and if he didn't trust me after living with me for 2 yrs, he wasn't ever going to trust me.  But here my friend is in a very long term relationship with a woman that won't let him talk to one of his long time friends.  I wish I could tell her off, but what would that accomplish?  Nothing but a big fight with him and his wife and I'm not going to be the one to tear them apart.  Hopefully, one day, he realizes that he doesn't deserve to be treated like this.  And if you are in a relationship like that, please know that you do NOT deserve that, whatever the reason for the distrust!

Day 12 on Day 10

Today was another good day.  My neurologist appointment went well yesterday and today I went with a friend while she got a tattoo.  I also got another email from my hubby.  It was nice and made my day, though I did have to reread it several times to get it all.  I really hate when an email is all

>like this
>for each line.
>it's hard to read
>everything

So yeah, it was good to hear from him again, though he had to make some smart ass comment about my little break down Tuesday.  I swear, if I didn't know his sense of humor, I would take it as insult lol.  But I do know his sense of humor and know it was a joke.  I can even see his face if he was saying it lol.  Man, I miss him like crazy.  Which that longing for him brings me to what I wanted to talk about.

The other day I had a bit of a break down after staying up all night after I found someone's dog that I know.  A simple comment on the owner's part, on top of the fact I hadn't heard from my hubby for 5 days at that point and the Xbox died and most of my plans kept falling through combined with a lack of sleep created the hurricane of emotions I will call The Day 10 Emotional Hurricane.  Yeah, it was pretty crazy for most of the day for me.  I did calm down after much talking with many wonderful ladies and finally got some sleep that night so I could make it to my appointment the next day.  I felt stupid the entire time I was having my little freak out and couldn't stand the fact I couldn't stop crying.  We're talking about a freak out almost like the one I had on my birthday when my sister told me our grandfather died while we were at the bar.  Yeah, if you were there, you know how insane that was... ANYWHO!  I felt stupid about breaking down.  For one, I knew where he's at.  Another thing was I know that none of the status updates that were pissing me off were being posted to get to me.  Those ladies are going through the same thing I am, and most aren't as stoic as I am.  I haven't cried myself to sleep once and only had one real break down.  I mean there was one night last week where my mind was wandering a bit, but I talked with just 2 of my ladies and I was fine.  Once again, I knew it was just craziness in my head.  I also know that no news is good news, yet I had my break down.  I can honestly say that lack of sleep had a direct role in that break down as the exhaustion took down my walls I've put up around that Pandora's Box full of all my emotions.

We're all human and feel so many things when our love is so far away.  I know I need to allow myself to feel some of them, but I think in all my years of self taught emotion control, I've developed a need to not express my sadness.  I still remember being told "there's no reason to cry" when I was a kid.  I had a hell of a childhood, both good & bad times, and the bad times weighed heavy on my young heart.  I am blessed that my dad said those words or I would probably still cry in public for no apparent reason.  Because of those words to me, I know when I have a real reason to cry and when I need keep myself from crying when need be in certain situations.  However, when I break down and cry, I do have a sense of regret for not being able to control it.  This is both in a response to the not being able to completely control it, but also this weird sense that, like a man, I should just push all my emotions deep, deep, deep down.  Yeah, I'm completely aware how unhealthy that is, but I can't help it.  I think the only person I will freely break down in front of sober now is B.  I would like to note though, I really think that years of being overly emotional has resulted in me not wanting to be not emotional, even in appropriate situations.  Alas, this is the reason for the shame I still feel about having a break down.

I know that we all deal with deployment differently.  I do appreciate all the comments telling me how strong I am, but I have my weak moments.  Just because you cry yourself to sleep at night does not make you weak.  That is you dealing with this.  I may not cry myself to sleep, but when I finally do cry, it gets pretty messy.  You may watch sappy love movies, and tear up missing your best friends.  I just refuse to watch any of those, even when I have mine right by my side.  Many honestly just can't handle having their love so far away.  I'm used to being thousands of miles from mine.  Everyone of us has our different ways of dealing and each one is valid in its own way.  However, I would like to note, that if ever you are having really negative thoughts, please contact me and I will talk you through it.  I have been through so many things, I can pretty much help with almost any situation.  You're not alone out there.

Well, day 12 is at a close.

Day 8

Standing on the patio watching the aftermath of the storms, all I could thing of is our good times.  Those thoughts have always sustained me.  Even when I was with someone else and all B was was my friend, the thought that someone out there truly cared about me kept me going through the worse times with CR.  I actually had a dream about CR last night.  In it B watched everything that transpired.  Can we say "awkward"?

Anywho!  But even when I was with CR, when things were their worse, I was reassured knowing that there was a man out there who really did love me, even after everything I put him through over the years.  That's not to say that in all the trials B & I have faced over the years, I'm the only guilty party in the outcome, no, there are only 2 incidents and one, he is pretty much responsible for what happened, even though it was me who made a mistake... What I'm trying to say is, that even with the silence from B, I know that he is thinking of me and wishing I was in his arms when he's asleep and handing him his meal when he eats.  Yeah, food reference lol.  I do love being in the kitchen, unless it's to do the dishes.

I love my baby, and wish he were here.  However, I know he can't be here.  I really am glad I know where he's at.  In 2004, no one knew where he was and little did we know he almost died.  I'm so glad now that no news really is good news.  Then, it wasn't good news.  It's amazing what one finds comfort in in times like these.

Day 6

First, I'm not going to post every day about the deployment.  That would just be stupid.  However, as things come to mind I will post about what I'm going through with it.

So my hubby has now been gone 6 days.  In 6 days, I've cleaned more ferret poop than one should have to, had coffee with the ladies, have half my plans fall through, and then last night, the Xbox died!  As for good news, I've got 2 calls from him already.  The calls make my day/night when I get them.  B's safe and hot and I believe tired as well.  When he's on the phone he's more concerned that I'm ok and that things are being taken care of and I have plenty of money.  Ironically, it was right after his last call (last night) that the Xbox died.  I'm pretty sure that if it weren't for his call, I would have cried like a little baby over it.

Now, I'm starting to feel bad for saying I was going to be in Texas at a certain time and now it looks like I won't be able to go for quite some time.  I have some people pissed, others disappointed, and most understanding.  I'm sorry but bills come first and my car.  If my car doesn't work, then I can't do anything at all.  I feel bad because not only was I excited to see everyone and take the ferrets on a trip, but also because others got really excited to see me.  Ugh... What I find really irritating is the people that are pissed off aren't willing to understand that I don't have the funds and help out or if they do want to help out it's on the condition that I find someone to watch my ferrets for the duration of the trip.  I'm sorry, the ferrets are comin with me.  Would you leave your kids for a trip like that? No, you wouldn't.

Overall, emotionally, I'm doing alright.  I have my occasional upsets, but who wouldn't in this situation.  I have a pretty wide support network established both online and in the "real world".  I love how so many military wives will join together to support each other through the deployments, training, and other hardships that come our way in this life.  Not to say that civilian spouses have it easy, but the military life has its own set of issues.  I think the deployments are pretty much the worst of it though.  I can deal with training, it's usually only for a couple weeks (now that BCT & AIT are done) and the training doesn't have them in a war zone.  It's the deployment, where you go days without hearing from them, not knowing if they're safe or not, that are the hardest.

And I'd like to note some deployment etiquette for all my civilian friends out there.  Here is some things to say and not to say to a friend who's spouse or significant other is deployed or overseas:

First don't ask "are you ok?" Instead ask them how they are doing.  Obviously, they are not completely ok, but they are not sick or anything like that.  We have our rough days and our good days and asking us if we're ok can sometimes make a good day go bad.  It sounds weird, I know, but really, asking if I'm ok is just going to piss me off.  I'm not ok, I'm fine.  I won't be ok until my husband is back in my arms, but I'm fine with life and things.  I'm getting by.

Second, try your best not to whine about your SO being gone for a couple days.  Your friend with a deployed spouse will want to slap you.  Your spouse will be home shortly and is most likely even in the same country as you.  You can text and email as much as you like, but your friend's spouse goes through blackouts of internet and phone due to missions or for security reasons, and in the worse case scenarios, there has been an incident.

Third, if you hear a rumor about your friend's soldier, don't spread it.  This is the leading cause of misinformation out there.  If you see a news piece about what you think is your friend's spouse, wait until you hear something from them.  The media by law has to wait 48 hrs to publish any story about incidents and so the information you saw on the news may not be the most accurate.  If you have concerns about a news piece you saw, ask your friend if they have any news of the soldier instead of going on about what you saw in the news.  Your friend will be the first person to know anything.

I think that covers everything for now.  As things are brought to my attention I will let you know.  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.  And as always, keep all of our troops and their spouses, girlfriends/boyfriends, fiancé/fiancées, and their families in your prayers and thoughts.

Lot's Wife

His last words to me were “walk away and don’t look back”

As if I would turn into a pillar of salt

Without turning around

Pillars of salt lined my cheeks

But I take those tears

And preserve my memories until he returns

To make a new batch

He’ll be in harm’s way

I’ll be safely in my home

Wondering if he’s ok

But this is what I signed up for

This life of having to walk away for way to long

Can’t look back when we part ways

Otherwise the salt comes again

Simple Pleasures

While we were in Texas, I found a day or two old fawn under the back stairs of B's grandma's house.  After an eventful day of family and graveyards, we returned and the tiny fawn was still there!  I was scared for the poor guy.  But after discussing things with B's uncle, he informed us that fawns this young are routinely left alone so their mother can find food and thus feed them.  She came back at around dusk and was ready to attack us when she saw us so close to her baby.  It was so beautiful to see those two in action.  It really is the simple things.

And the Countdown is Real

With the long weekend comes the very real realization that deployment is immanent.  We're fixing to spend the most time together, nonstop, no work interruptions, yet.  I know it's going to be crazy and he's going to be a goofball, but I'm going to enjoy every last minute.

When you face deployment, you face many unknowns.  There are stressors on a relationship when one faces a deployment that most relationships don't face.  Those unknowns, the what-ifs, they put so much strain on things. Part of you wants to push your love away, and part of you wants to hold on and never let go.

This is our first deployment.  This is our first (and hopefully, only) marriage.  He's never lived with a woman that wasn't related to him.  I've never lived this far from home.  We were long time friends.  There were certain expectations before we moved in together, and there was also baggage.  You add in the unknowns mentioned above to that mix, and you see the stress that can be caused.  But the key, even when not facing the uncertainties of deployment, is realizing that there is a deep love there.   There is love and there is care.  There is a want that when all is said and done, things will return back to the way they were before they left to the unknown.  But who can say what will happen after that year?  Who knows what sights he'll behold?  We don't.  Those of us at home, we know our job is to be strong when the contact home, to be the support they need when things are going bad.  We are the ones who, despite what ever drama is going on here at home, we put on a smiling face when they call home, video chat on Skype, or write an email.  (The way things have changed!)  We hold down the fort and keep all the family members in the know about what we can safely share.  We are the contact that all the family leans on to know that our loved one is safe.

I'm gathering my strength.  I know that when I know the exact date he leaves, it's going to make it harder on me.  But I will have to stifle my worries.  Why?  Why should I stifle them and not lament to my husband that I don't want him to leave?  Why should I stifle my every whimper and complaint?  Because all my concerns, all my woos, are nothing compared to what he's about to face.  It's nothing compared to the the heat that will boil him during the day and the cold that will chill him at night.  It's nothing compared to the dangers he will have to maneuver and over come, with the understanding that every decision he makes, someone's life could be on the line.  How can our little issues, our measly problems be compared to the thoughts after someone on your squad was injured?  It can't.

Though I never saw battle, or anything remotely close, I know some of what must be going through his mind.  I was once in the Army and know some what how things work.  I know better than most civilians.   The only civilians that know better are those who spent more time either married to a soldier or were a soldier themselves.

As you celebrate the birthday of this great nation, thank a soldier, but also thank their spouse.

Something I Realized

Before you start jumping to outrageous conclusions about B, perceive things from his point of view.

Every time we have a good night, whether it's his family here, a night out with friends, or the ball tonight, when we get home, I start a fight.  I won't say that it is on purpose.  It's not.  But, I've never been with a man that has cared as much as him and I've never had someone hold me to my word.  So what is that we argue about more than anything?  My smoking... I said I was going to quit.  And I did, until school got too much to handle and then I picked them up heavily like... well a bad habit.  So we get on this beef about it and before you know it I'm pissed off and he's not acknowledging my side of the argument at all.  He sees it his way and I see it mine. The real issue is that I refuse to listen to his side or he refuses to listen to mine.

And tonight it started after the ball with a wrestling match, which was fun, until it got too rough for my liking... Though the key here is that I would, on another occasion, flown with the punches.  See, our interactions don't change much unless it's on an exceptionally good night...

Am I sabotaging a great thing?  Possibly... It wouldn't be the first time... I'm known for it actually... I'm pretty sure that if Gary had survived, I would have ruined that relationship as well since I don't know how to be treated right... I know too many females that allow their men to run all over them.  B doesn't do that.  Like I said, our only real issue, besides deployment, is my smoking.  Sure I've cut down drastically, I said I was quitting and haven't quit... There is a drastic difference between the two... Sigh

Why do I push him away like this? I seriously do start shit when we are having a good night... How do I stop it though?  He's leaving soon and the fighting has got to stop... It's not all the time, but it's enough that I now what I'm doing at this point.  Someone help me.  How do I keep from blowing up when he brings up that one thing that gets me extremely bothered.  Honestly, it's the smoking subject that gets me the most upset and leads to fighting... And by fighting I mean me flailing my arms about and raising my voice... Sigh

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I want to complain, but won't

I had to drop B off on post at 3 am this morning and I really wanted to whine about having to be alone for a week.  However, when I got back from dropping him off I saw a buddy of mine on Twitter's heartbreaking tweets about having to drop off her husband at the airport so he could go back to his deployment.  I can't complain.

B's coming back on Sunday and we'll have at least a month together before we start the deployment.  In addition, the deployment, though hard it may be, won't affect us quite like it does other couples.  We spent much of the last 13 years apart, on basically opposite sides of the country.  We have experience in long stretches of time apart.  My heart breaks for those who have never spent more than a weekend apart or less.  They've never had to worry like they do now.  I honestly can't imagine that for myself.  I'm used to being alone but most spouses are not.  I'm used to wondering if he's ok without me.  I'm used to knowing he's thinking of me so far away.  But most people don't know that feeling.  Most people don't know what it's like or how to cope with that sort of thing.  I'm not saying that the deployment is going to be easy for me.  I've gotten used to B's presence and his smell and his constant chatter.  I know he'll be in harms way, but to have experience being apart versus never being apart?  We have that... even with him being in harms way.  I'll never forget when I didn't hear from him for a year and it was due to him almost dying in Alaska.  I was so pissed for the longest I didn't hear from him and when I did, I got pissed at myself for not being more understanding.

Thinking on what some of those I chat with on a regular basis makes me realize how lucky I really have it.  I'm hear for anyone that needs an outlet to vent about the deployment they're going through.  I can give you advice from my experiences being so far from my hubby, though not a deployment...

An important note: all those years apart we spent, we weren't a couple, but really good friends.  However, that doesn't change that he loved me (and has since he was 14) and I loved him.

I'm a Wreck

You know, I do have no idea why I am such an emotional wreck, but I am.  I mean, there are the little things that most newly weds irritate them.. the way he comes home and pulls his socks off in a ball and they're all stiff and stinky... or the way his stuff is all over the place instead of in a nice pile in one spot... or when I am cooking and there is food boiling and I'm standing right over it to keep it from sticking or boiling over and he asks "bring me a beer"... yeah, it irritates me a bit, but not to the point of crying.  I really have no clue why I'm so upset.  I called B down to the basement to grab some towels and to nicely ask him to stop asking me to do stuff, like grab him a beer, while I'm in the middle of doing something more important like cook or clean.  I also wanted to apologize for my "attitude" I have had since I woke up.  That should have lasted all of a minute, but it ended up lasting 10-15 minutes because he wouldn't just let me be down there.  He wanted to know what in the world was wrong.  I don't know... It's a combination of things I guess.  I don't have a routine.  I don't have any friends here really (well I have one but she leaves in a couple days).  I don't have a job other than this whole housewife thing.  I have a husband who is leaving in a couple of months for a year.  I have tons of doctors appointments to go to when I'm not doing other things.

I guess I'm more messed up about the combo of no routine and the doctor crap... I don't know...

I Should Stay Caught Up on Blogs: Response to a blog from 3/25

I used to have this best friend who I alienated the first time I ever met them. 17 years later, I alienated them again by not realizing what I did wrong and therefore not saying I'm sorry. I too can't think back to the last 17 years without having a memory of them. I have people ask me all the time about them. The only thing I can say to those who ask is "I don't know, we don't talk anymore" and the person asking then has to ask 50 questions about why we aren't talking and all this other drama. I always say to those "well I'm not entirely sure at this point. I didn't understand even then, but even if I did know exactly why, I wouldn't say, it's none of your business." Yeah, I, Christina Wilks, have learned discretion! I know, it's a miracle! But back to what I was saying... I wish I could see them right now. Actually I think of them more than my new BFF... Well Lauren isn't that new of a BFF, but when you knew your "old" BFF for as long as I did, Lauren is a "new" BFF lol... I'm 700+ miles from everyone I know, trying to make new friends and it makes me think back to high school, etc... Well being married to one of my best friends from high school makes me really think about them. Why my hubby has to ask about them is beyond me. He remembers her, but not my other BFF in high school Crystal Johnson. Ah, high school memories... I remember all the sleep overs, and getting busted drunk by my mom coming back to their place the night before church camp lol... Oh good times were had! Or how about the sad times we shared? We worked through our grief together when tragedy hit way to close to home... We were each others' rock in tough times and, as per my craziness, she was my pillow lol.

Man, I miss you girl... "Bad Ass Senioritas" till we die ;)

Military Spouse Appreciation Give-A-Way through a friend

Welcome to the Blog of an Army Wife: Military Spouse Appreciation Give-A-Way!!!

So my buddy Sara is having a give away on her blog. You should check it out and forward it to anyone you know that meets the give a way requirements :) Thanks guys

Just an Update

Well, I'm pretty much settled here in Colorado.  For the most part I'm loving it.  There are things I miss about Texas, like my nieces and nephew.  I miss my friends, but I don't miss most of it, like the drama.  I've got my first of what will end up being many doctor appointments.  I'd normally not go and just tough it out, but I've promised many people that I'd go.  I know that I need to have the ol' brain examined.

Things are good between B and I for the most part.  I think most of any issues we may have stem mostly from my guilt over what happened 10 years ago.  I've really got to forgive myself and move on.  You add in that I'm so far from all I know and am not used to change.  This makes for a sometimes moody Christina.  I cried for the first time today.  I miss the kids more than anything.  I'm scared.  Between my health issues that aren't straight up in the forefront (which makes them easy to forget about at times) and the impending deployment, I'm at a bit of a loss.  I'm used to predictability.  I go by statistics, yet here the statistics aren't proven or solid.  There are too many variables that can affect the outcome of any of it.

I'm making some friends and that's good.  I don't know where everything is here yet though.  I'm also used to being treated like pure shit by men and so I've got my own ways of trying to sabotage a perfectly good thing with words.  Gotta love when you do that...  Man, I swear, I over think things and I make them sound way worse than they really are.  I know one thing I will NOT be saying to the doctor tomorrow, and that is about all my emotional issues.  If they get that info from my medical records at UTA, so be it, but I'm not volunteering that info.  They don't need to know what I used to deal with emotionally since that has no relevance or bearing on what is going on now.  I do know that I do get kinda upset thinking about my own time in the Army being around all these soldiers though.  That is complicated and this blog is not the place for that story.  I'm just glad that I have a couple of outlets for any of my military frustrations, especially at Army Spouse Life.  I still can't talk openly about my frustrations with my own military time.  I just deal with that in my own mind.

I'm just glad that I have B.  You know, even though we've had a couple of weird incidents (one is completely on B, the other completely on me), we're doing well.  I mean, we can sit on the couch and just watch tv and look at each other and it makes things better.  He had a bad day today and yet, looking at me put a smile on his face.  I was just in a mood though today.

Well, I'll definitely be posting what the doctor says and periodic posts on what is going on with that.  I know you guys will be there for me.

Friendship

I'm normally not the sappy type.  I'm sure Lauren would argue that, but she knows a side of me only one other person knows.  The one other person is why I write.  I won't even mention their name, but they know who they are.  You know, I've had my issues over the years, and this person has been there when no one else was.  I'd forget occasionally, but I always knew and know that that person will give me good advice and has my back.  This person has forced me to face reality more times than any one I know.  They helped me in realizing that self pity gets you know where, when I finally let pity take hold for a period of time.  They were my friend even when I wasn't being friendly.  This person taught me, through both my own trials and their own, that life isn't easy but we wouldn't be who we are if it were.  All those tough times shape us into these adults we are today, all rounded areas, scars, and jagged edges.  Though things won't be easy ahead, we move on.  This person is my best friend and tonight, though they were not here with me, I realized just how much of a friend they'd been.  I've always known and Lauren can attest that I've realized this (cuz we all know how I won't shut up!) quite awhile ago.  But something about talking about friends and the circumstances of this friendship, really made me realize just how lucky I am to have a friend like that.  I'm the happiest girl on the planet right now and know I'm one of the luckiest girls as well.

I Hate Pity

I have always prided myself on the fact that I keep some things about myself private.  I know that I have a big mouth.  I know that some of you know pretty much my an entire life story.  There are still certain things that I have not said.  Those things have ended with me having a seizure on a stranger's couch and in their bathroom and best friend left drunk and not knowing what to do.  I am so thankful she was there.  If this would have happened while I was at home and alone, there is no telling what would have happened.  However, no one, and I mean no one, except for me, knew that I had seizures.  Well, my mom did, but she thought they ended a long time ago.  I purposely never told anyone when I had episodes, and upon Googling things and some other research, things are a lot worse than I thought.  I have more seizures than even I thought I was having.  My hubby, God bless him, is being supportive, but only as much as he can be from such a distance.  However, he's now making strange comments.  I don't know... It could be the stress of things with his work.  It could be, like with my friends, a sense of disbelief, that I never told anyone about this.  It could also be that suddenly the image of the woman he fell in love with so long ago is completely changed.

I knew that eventually this would happened.  I knew that eventually I would have a seizure that I would have to tell people about.  That finally happened.  Go figure that it would happen after I have access to insurance.  I still have not made it to a doctor.  I will as soon as I move to be with my hubby.  My biggest fear is that my B will no longer want to be with me and definitely not want to reproduce with me.  I have other genetic issues that affect that.  This whole thing has me wanting to cry and curl into a ball and hide.  I'm also really tired, which I always am after a bad episode.  I already have problems with reproducing as it is and this just makes the whole thing worse.

If you have several episodes of blacking out, no alcohol needed, and losing large tracks of time, see a doctor. If you wake up in the middle of the night throwing up, with no reason, see a doctor.  Please.  There is no reason for people to go 29 years, having seizures, and not have relief.  There is no reason for people like me, to sit in silence while we suffer through nights of terror and embarrassment, having to clean up after something we have no idea of why we are cleaning up throw up.  And if you are the spouse or in a relationship with someone that has any of this happens to, when it happens, take them to the hospital.  They may be undiagnosed and need the trip to the ER.  Make it your duty as a friend to know of any underlying conditions of your close friends to know if they need to go to the ER if they behave erratically, within the construct of their normal behavior.

Many times people go years without having a diagnosis of what is actually ailing them.  They are told they are everything from bipolar to hyperchondriac, but in reality there is an underlying condition causing issues.  That is why it is imperative, as their friend, for you to recognize what is normal behavior and what is not.  As a friend, it is also your responsibility to tell your friends if you have any underlying conditions that may require medical attention.  I did not do this and did not get the medical attention that I most likely needed.  I decided, a long time ago, that I wasn't going to tell anyone about this because I HATE pity.  I really do.  And I wasn't about to have people coddle me over this.  I am a normal person.  My brain just functions a bit differently.

Not Happy (warning, there is cursing)

If you read my blog on my baby sister, you knew part of the situation.  Well dad talked with them (baby sis & BIL) the other night and BIL brought out a 7 page "list" of grievances about my mother.  I will not repeat most of it, as it is all pure lies and misrepresentations of the truth.  However, my name is brought up many times in the 7 page discourse.  If I ever see that BIL, I'm punching him in his face.  How can someone so intelligent, be so dumb? (Wait, hasn't my dad said that about me?)  Anywho, basically it boils down to, my baby sis is a lying sack of dog dung and her husband is blind as a bat to believe every word she says.  You put the two together and my mom is accused of everything from being suicidal (constantly) to an abuser, both physically and sexually!!!  Yeah, not happy.  Well dad read their grievances and told them straight up that it was false.  If only I could have been a fly on that wall!!!!  I knew for years that my sister misrepresented reality in her own mind, but I did not realize how truly delusional she truly is until I read the paper BIL typed up.  I mean it's worse than ever!  He even included a list of signs of an abusive personality and said they all were mom (actually, they are all my baby sis)... If it wasn't for Alexia, I'd march over to their home & beat the living shit out of BIL.  

In addition, apparently, I'm the favored child!  Since my BFF & my middle sis planned, paid for, and threw me a graduation and bachelorette party at my parents' home.  They said mom did it!  Talk about two women who are mad!  Mom even said she had nothing to do with either.  My middle sis planned my graduation party and my BFF planned my bachelorette party.  The only thing mom did, besides clean up the house and do a little of this and that, was let us use the house.  Shit, baby sis was even at my bachelorette party and heard that Lauren did it all!  In the list of grievances, they said one of the reasons they did not come to the family gathering/birthday party for me, was they did not want to attend another event where I was praised and my baby sister was excluded.... BITE ME!!!  I do not have it in me to politely put that.  I can't think of a way to express my anger over that without using cuss words and throwing a fist.  I'm fuming.  My baby sis was ALWAYS the favored one.  Sure we never got parties growing up, but my parents did everything for her, they even admit it, especially after Alexia was born.  I FINALLY graduate college, so I want to have the family together to celebrate.  I FINALLY get married, so I want a bachelorette party for my friends to celebrate that.  WTF is wrong with that????  I can't help it the damn bitch never went to college.  I can't help it, she doesn't have the balls to put together her own family get togethers to celebrate her.  Shit, the "birthday" party was more family gathering than party.  We, as a family, wanted to get together and just hang out.  That's part of what is wrong with American culture.  Families don't get together enough and just be together.  I cannot believe they want to use my good fortune as an excuse to be assholes to everyone that's ever done good by them!!!

I'm fuming... I'm raving mad... I want to take a baseball bat upside BIL's head and knock some sense into his fucking brain.  I'm sorry that this is not more diplomatic, as I try to be when I talk about such things, but I'm so mad I could spit fire!

Thanks for listening guys, all these years, whether on here or on MySpace, LiveJournal, and DiaryLand.

From my MySpace Blog

I've been sooooooo busy. Between graduating college, getting married, and now packing for the big move some time soon, I haven't been writing as much. Plus, many of my poems are just rehashes of the same happy sentiments over and over again, no problem with that though :)

I will be posting a list of things for sale in a bulletin soon. I'm not sure if anyone will want any of it, but who knows. I'm going to miss all my Texas friends and family, but I cannot wait to start married life. I feel so lucky to have my honey and after reading through so many journals, poems, random writings, and bits of paper that I've had packed away from over the years, my honey has been that rock over the years. Some of what I've read has upset me, brought back old pains, but has shown me how much I've grown over the years. Some of you have personally seen this growth, others just know me as I am now. I have not always been the rock that many of you see today, especially after some of the things I've read. There were so many entries of how depressed I was or who I was dating at the time or who I was allowing to use me as a doormat. The fact that I made it through all the abuses, the assaults, the drunken stupidity in one piece is a testament to the fact that I am a strong person and have learned from my mistakes, trails, and experiences. I think the most difficult entries to read were those from the 2001. What I went through then can only be compared to the darkest moments of my childhood. I don't remember most of that and I count myself blessed that I don't.

Why then do I keep the old journals? My plan is to use those later as a way to, as accurately as possible, compile my autobiography in hopes of reaching out to young women, and even men, who have gone through some of the same things. I will continue to live by my policy that bad experiences are no excuse for bad behavior.

I love my sweetie, and I miss him something awful. Be safe out there and if you're Arlington side, you need to see me before I leave state.