100 Things! (1-20)

My buddy on Twitter ImWendy has been doing a blog on 100 things about her and it inspired me to do the same thing here about me! Yeah, I'm kooky like that, getting inspiration from others and all, lol.

So with out further ado:

1) I hate most condiments. It's easier to say what I will have. I like ketchup, barbecue sauce, cheese, and soy sauce. That's it for the most part. Well, there is cream cheese and italian dressing. Oh and I'll only eat ranch if it's the thick ranch just for veggie dipping.

2) If my partner has eaten mustard or mayo, I will not kiss them until they brush their teeth. I can smell it and it is nasty! You hear that B dear? I will not kiss you if you've had mayo or mustard! Oh and I won't touch it either. So yeah, no putting it on my honey's sandwich either. I won't open the bottle. That's something they have to do. The smell of mustard is actually worse than mayo, but both make me want to puke.

3) I will now admit that I love Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. Yes, I do.

4) My fiancee is my best friend of the last 12 years and we dated once when I was in the army. He's now in the Army and I'm a civilian.

5) When I was in high school, I swore up and down that everyone hated me, except B. He followed me around like a puppy dog drinking my coffee. He has since informed me that I was actually quite popular. I was... I thought about it and have had it reaffirmed repeatedly through the planning of my 10 year reunion. Wow, there are too many people that know me, lol.

6) I love photography! I would love to be a professional one day, but I have more pressing dreams to pursue first.

7) When I was a girl I wanted to be a GI Joe, an astronaut, a writer, a ninja turtle, and teacher. The ninja turtle one is impossible, but I've been everything but the teacher (astronaut is figuratively).

8) I've been actively keeping journals and such since the third grade. I've been writing poetry and short stories since the 2nd. I love reading my old journals, stories, poems, and blogs. They bring me entertainment and sometimes make me angry at myself for being dumb.

9) I've been diagnosed as bipolar, OCD, and generalized anxiety disorder. The only one on my medical record is the GAD. This is because:

10) My shrink says that I am the most self aware person he has ever treated.

11) I hate shrinks and doctors. Usually they don't know what they're talking about.

12) I have no children of my own but have been known to call other people's kids my babies. One day I'll have my own, but not yet (and good thing too, I like my booze, lol). Actually, it's not the booze. I didn't want kids while I was doing my undergrad work, and have been lucky that I have not ended up with any.

13) I've been called every name in the book, dyke, fag, homo, bitch, butch, you name it, I've probably been called it. I don't fit a "feminine" model so therefore I'm pigeon holed. I don't fit in these holes either. The gender role dicotomy we live in is pathetic and is only hurting all of us.

14) I'm an avid reader when I'm not in school. I can easily read 50 books in a year. When I worked at Otto, I was reading about a book a week if not more. I did read alot of trash fiction, but then, I ran out of my own books to read and started reading the books floating around the office, lol.

15) I read Marvin Harris and Levi-Strauss for fun. I'm a nerd. That's all there is to that. We used to say in my Cultural Anthropology Theory class "What Would Marvin Harris Think?"

16) I love to cook! I love to invent in the kitchen. It's another outlet for my creativity, which seems to just ooze from me. However, I hate to clean up the kitchen. Ok, it's just the dishes. I hate doing dishes!!!! I'll do the floors, cabinets, stove, oven, name it, but I hate the dishes. Dishes are evil!

17) My ex's friends still think that my oldest niece is actually my kid, lol. Maybe it's because I've always been really close to that kid. She also looks and acts like me for the most part. Maybe it is that the child has my intellect. Maybe it's the fact they are dumb? I don't know exactly why but up till about a year ago, my ex believed she was too.

18) I am almost too open. I will tell perfect strangers intimate details about my life. It's not that I have an inability to keep my mouth shut it is that the need to tell these details seems to present itself. People have this thing about being very candid with me.

19) People will tell me the craziest stuff. I've had people confess to me some insane things over the years. Apparently I'm safe to talk to. I think I'm starting to get my old ability to talk anyone off the ledge. It's not 100% but hey, it's coming back.

20) I'm such a typical Capricorn! So much so, I was even born on a Saturday. Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, if you need it spelled out. I'm a workaholic and I will probably be climbing the walls after the first month I'm in CO and not working. I'll have to have a job pretty quickly, not just for my bills, but cuz I have to have a job. I'm also insanely stubborn and a natural leader.

Old Journal Entries Lead to Insite

I had a poem idea and didn't want to just post it. Well, I grabbed my newest journal that I bought in 2007. The first entry amused me. I'm going to post that first entry now, inserts of my own now will be in parenthesis.

Intro-ductory matters...

"Where to begin?" is a good question. Seeing as I've kept journals continuously until Gary passing in April 2000, I do not want to back track to far. However, I do want to make known certain facts that may help along the way.

1) I have a horrible knack for jumping to strange conclusions based on tidbits that are either very loosely related or not related at all, i.e. thinking Chris was on speed continuously (though in that time he was for the most part).

2) I used (to) not do anything impulsive AT ALL. I kept to the try & true paths I'd known. then I did something impulsive! Oh geesh, I have to watch myself!

3) I can see & hear spirits, I have prophetic dreams, and other spiritual gifts. I believe that my first born will save the world and I am a member of God's Army. (Though now that I think back, my first born is just the key to the salvation of the world, but I'm still a God Spawn)

4) When I'm single, I can be a "slut," however when I'm in a relationship I am very monogamous. (Despite my attraction to females, I would never have a threesome while in a relationship as it is cheating on my partner since I'd be with someone other than them, even with their consent.)

5) I've studied most major religions & grew up as a Baptist. When I was (around) four years old, I asked my mom if I could be a nun :). Now, if I attend church it is Catholic mass. {I practiced Wicca for (almost) over a decade.}

6) I'm in love with one of the sweetest (dumbest) guys ever. One day I hope to be Mrs. Ross (I'm going to be Mrs. Wilks, thank you very much!)!

7) I'm an Anthropology major at the University of Texas at Arlington. I love school and am (a) self-proclaimed nerd. (I'm now an English major and will be graduating in December.)

So, there you have some basic facts about me. Let's see though, I work at ********* as a receptionist, Chris and I have a wonderful furchild, Spitfire (I miss her!), and my 96 Taurus is haunted by a ghost named Anne Marie and she is a BITCH! (She really was)

My purpose in this journal is to keep an accurate record of things to come & dreams I have, since I do realize that I have a tendency to skew my own perception of things & my "mental condition" is usually to blame, even if I hate using that reason. Hopefully by keeping a journal I can capture the little wonderful things in life on paper and trap the bad.

7/6/2007 0945

Same day:

Quote in Celtic Myth & Magick by Edain McCoy

"Three things that foster high spirits: self-esteem, courting, drunkenness." -From The 33 Triads, ninth century

"What is title, what is treasure, What is reputation's care? If we lead a life of pleasure, Tis no matter how or where!" - Robert Burns

"Three excellent qualities in dress: style, comfort, durability." - From The 33 Triads, ninth century (And that's how I dress)

"For everything is sacred, poetry of heavenly nature is on these hills" -Islwyn

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious." -Albert Einstein

"Seek first the gifts of the spirit. And those of mankind will surely follow." -Matthew D. O'Reilly

"Ni bhionn an rath ach mar a mbionn an smacht" {There is no luck except where there is discipline.} -Irish Proverb

(Skip some, there are tons of quotes from this book)

"But to see her was to love her, Love but her, and love forever." -William Butler Yeats

*****"If you be too talkative, you will not be heeded, If you be too silent, you will not be regarded..." from The Book of Acaill

"Golden slumbers kiss your eyes, Smiles awake you when you rise..." -Thomas Dekker

1614 7/6/2007

To quote myself: "I've been fascinated however with how the words have been spilling from me. It is as someone who has starved or thirst and finally come across refreshment. There is so much I would love to express, but those are the words that escape me. To double back on myself, I think my unfamiliarity with my own hand is contributed to my heavy use of computers and the impersonal air of the typed word. Even more now than ever, one must find their voice in writing to distinguish them from the other impersonal type coming into the hands of the reader" (I'm so freaking brilliant at times, lol.)

My fave line I've read (that is so wrong I LOL'ed) is "As he's (Chris) said previously, he does not hold grudges." WTF?!?! He still held that lone kiss that no one saw against me til the day we called it quits. And the most fucked up thing in this journal is that I have a schedule of my approximate day and I have scheduled in "sex with Chris!" WTF! One should not have to put that into a schedule to keep a relationship going!

My conclusions after reading about a month's worth of entries in this journal that I wrote a brief poem in? Damn I was a dumb ass not to see that Chris was reading my journal back then. No wonder he didn't "remember" me telling him I had a miscarriage, cuz it wasn't written in that entry. What a dumb ass! What really gets me is how censored the journal is. How I would pussy foot around the real issues. They are addressed to some degree, but really I pussy footed around them to a degree that you can very well see the state of our relationship (not good).

To answer a question I asked in this journal on 7.25.07 "How do you prove to someone that your betrayal was an isolated incident? Or how do you show someone that you would never intentionally hurt them again?" Easy, if they truly love you, they will forgive you and move on. I know this for a fact now. I truly know what it is to not hold a grudge. If ANYONE had a right to hold a grudge against a transgression of mine, it's B, not Chris. I actually, truly, cheated on B in 99. All I did to Chris was accidentally kiss a guy when I was crying on his shoulder. But B forgave me and moved past it, way past it (considering he asked me to marry him the first time in 2004). The beauty of this entire situation is that I'm sure that without the troubles I went through with Chris, I would not be able to recognize that now. I would not be able to see how lucky I really am. B doesn't ever bring up that incident. Chris brought up that incident regularly.

I think what I'm getting at here, is that I knew I had grown as a person, but not to what extent until I opened this journal to write a brief poem in it. I am truly lucky!

I am Not a Happy Camper

I love my new iPhone, but I now do not love AT&T like I used to.

Thursday, I went in to upgrade my phone, and was most likely going to get the iPhone, but there was one thing that was very important to me, that I could send pictures via text message. Email doesn't work since I'm sending these pics to B. Do I need to explain that one? No? Good! I asked the sales rep, point blank, if I could send pictures via text on the phone. Her response was yes. Not "yes, but not yet" or "not yet, but you should be able to by the end of summer." Her answer was just "yes." I said good cuz my fiancee really likes to get pictures and emails is not an option. I went with the 3G since I have no need for video capabilities or an overly large memory and had a budget of $200 for phone and accessories. I got the phone home, loved it, but didn't even attempt to send my first pic via text message until last night at about 9 pm. I could not. So I went online and got the customer service number to ask AT&T about it. Customer service was closed and said that they would be closed on Sunday as well! That made me really angry as that meant I would have to go to a store to talk to someone, wasting gas.

I did my ranting online and found out that there were two law suits against AT&T about this. I mean my beat up old ass Razr can send pictures via text! Their best selling phone should be able to. According to Apples site, the phone is capable of doing this, but it's based on your cell phone provider. AT&T being the largest provider to the iPhone should have already had this in place.

Well this afternoon, I went to the AT&T store that I purchased my iPhone from and had to complain since the sales associate lied to me there. I talked to the "manager on duty" and he was nice enough, doing the whole acknowledging my complaints but not saying anything. I mean there really isn't much he can do since he doesn't have the information that I needed, i.e. when is MMS going to be available. I'm not sure what, if anything is going to happen to the sales rep. I then asked the manager how much it would be to cancel the line for my air card as I no longer use it, having wireless everywhere that I need to use my laptop. He tells me $120 after looking at my account. I said ok. But he then proceeds to tell me that if we changed the line to a family plan and add unlimited text, there would not be a cancellation fee and I could put the SIM card in one of my back up phones with a camera and send pics that way. I agree with it since it would save me about $30 a month over my current bill doing it that way.

I get home and put the SIM card from my air card into my Razr I was using before the iPhone. I send B an old pic that was still on my phone and it would not send. I look online and the text block was still on despite there being unlimited texting on the phone! I then had to go to the AT&T store again, but I wasn't about to go back to the Highlands store. That is the one I've been having all the trouble with. So I drove all the way to the Mansfield store where they are always very helpful. Russel, who helped me, was very nice and did the best he could for me. I told him everything that happened. We looked at my account and he took the text block off. We reset the Razr and tried to send a text again. Nothing. He tried to send a text to it. Nothing. He looked at my account again and the block had cleared. So he took out my SIM card and put in their demo card. The phone sent and received a message. We had to prove it wasn't the phone.

At this juncture he asks me if I would like a new SIM card. I told him that what I really wanted to do earlier was just cancel the line. The manager on duty at the other store told me it would be $120. Well, since we changed the plan two hours before, it is now $175 to cancel that line! I told him to do it. That line is now disconnected.

I'm calling the customer service line tomorrow and talking to them. It is not fair that I should be charged that much for a line that just got changed. There is a certain amount of time that you are allowed to change your mind and I believe it is longer than two hours! I also want to complain to someone that can actually do something other than nod at me about my troubles with the Highland store.

Honestly if you go to an AT&T store in the Arlington area, do NOT go to the Highland store on I20! Go to either the one in Mansfield or another corporate store. You also do not want to go to an authorized dealer. I only go to corporate stores.

Thanks for listening to me bitch all weekend guys!

No Words

I don’t think words

Could ever express

Exactly what goes on

In my mind

I hear how lucky I am

And I can’t express to them

How truly lucky I am

To have you

The one that I’ve hurt

The one that’s heard

Every woe and whine

And is there still

The one that forgave

My mistakes and still

Stayed by my side

And cared

How do you express

How lucky you are

Other than with clichés

Such as blessed

We’re not a cliché

But this is the epitome

Of my love story dreams

And then some

To have the one who truly

Deeply, madly, without a doubt

Loves me, completely

Not just my look

The one who holds onto

Every word, recalls things

I lost somewhere over time

That help console me

I really can’t express

Truly, how lucky I am

Words will always falter

But I am

I can't sleep

I can't sleep...

I can't say exactly why. I know that if I fell asleep my dreams would not be an issue, lol. However my mind is going a hundred miles per hour. There is tons to think about and ponder. Day dreams to explore...

I'm really excited about the future. I don't think I've been this excited in some time. And the excitement isn't just from obvious reasons; my visions, as it were, have been quite clear and things are looking good. Well, the path I've choosen is the correct one, and things aren't going to end up like that horrid nightmare I had for 18 months (or something like that, those who know, know) and was just a fear being presented in dream form. Visions generally come from dreams, but not all dreams, even nightmares, are visions. That one was a nightmare, and that is it.

But I'm allowed my fears. Fears are natural and normal. It is when those fears rule our lives that there is an issue. Fears can cause us to send out unwarrented negative energy. Negative energy can endanger others if left unchecked. I will not endanger others with my fears. I have checked them. I think part of the fear is the lack of control I will have over that situation. However, I can not control everything. I have to remind myself of that fact often. I sometimes forget. However, I take control of what I can, actually and in reality, control. Such things are: school, whether I work at a job I like/don't like, who and where I hang out, you know things that I can control... Things I can't control though are like if some fool shows up where I'm at, my boss decides to be a douche, or UTA screws me outta of a grade (which they've done similar crap in the past).

So basically what I think I'm trying to get at is that I couldn't be any happier. Well, I could, but that requires it to be December, lol. Let me rephrase then, I could not be any happier right now!

Me, Myself, and I

So like I said earlier today on Twitter and Facebook, I think I should write blogs based on the somewhat hilarious conversations in my head. So here is a sample, not the most brilliant but it's a reality, lol.

Me: I'm so happy!

Myself: Let's analyze why!

I: But happiness is fleeting *whine*

Myself: Stop whining fool! Let's see, is there a logical reason for your happiness, Me?

Me: I think so, B is pretty cool. And not only is there the entire B thing, but also school.

Myself: Logic dictates that these are not chemically based emotions.

Me: Yes, and I'm not showing any of the normal "maniac" signs, like over or under eating or staying up late.

Myself: Nor signs of a chemical depression, such as the eating thing and over sleeping.

I: But what about... *sniffle*

Me & Myself: Shut up!

Me: Yes, I've noticed this as well.

I: The other shoe will drop, you'll see!

Myself: "The other shoe" is only a metaphor for your predisposition towards pessimism and melancholy, they didn't say they called you "Joy because she brings Misery" without reason hun.

I: Be nice! Misery was a friends nickname!

Myself: And what you projected walking amongst people in high school.

I: You don't love me!

Myself: What in the world are you talking about?

Me: Guys please, I'm trying to concentrate.

I: It's always you, you, you. What about me?

Myself: Oh brother here we go again!

I: What does that mean? It's always about her! I need attention.

Myself: You need a lobotomy!

I: Well you need a haircut, your hair is stupid!

Myself: Your hair is stupid.

Me: We have the same hair you idiots.

Myself: This is correct. I allowed I's illogical tactics to taint my judgement.

Me: For my sake, please stop!

Myself: Go whine somewhere else. Whining fixes nothing, just like your tendency towards violence solves nothing.

Me: Yes I, violence is what solves nothing. You guys really though, I'm happy.

Myself: I you are really getting on my nerves, stop sniveling over there.

I: Sniveling my foot. Life is nothing but death and gloom and doom.

Yeah, ok that wasn't as funny as I would think it would be.... I really need to take notes better of these debates. I'll try again when I have a better debate going on up there

Simplicity

I think I’ve found forever
In that simple look
Even from this distance

I know this is right
With all we’ve seen
Through all that has transpired

We are due this
From the point of yesterday
And through to forever

I see in your words
That this is real
Forever isn’t that long

I can’t believe that
During all this time
I’ve put this off so long

We are due this
From the point of the first kiss
And through to old age

I’m ready to be there
Whether you are next to me
Or not and away somewhere far off

I know that through it all
No matter how hard
And no matter how long

We will be there
From the point that I say I do
And until we’re grey and cranky

Dilema

I'm in the process of writing a letter to my biological father. He's in prison. I've hit on the topic in a previous blog. My future husband hates my biological father, loves my dad, hates the guy who helped in my conception, and with reason. He (B) has stated on a couple occasions that my biological father isn't allowed around when he gets out. I understand this. I'm actually going to use this as my reasoning not to see my father when he gets out. Even before all the marriage talk, I didn't want to see my father when he got out. I don't trust him and really, even when I visit him, I don't really look forward to it, other than the fact that while he's in prison he's being watched.

So I'm writing my father a letter to inform him of my great news, that his oldest daughter, his "road buddy" as he calls me, is getting married. However, I have to tell him that he can't see me when he gets out. I'm not sure how to put this without hurting his feelings. He seems to not have a concept of what he's done to me or anyone else and I know will take it very personally. I don't want to lose all contact with my father, but I don't want to see him on the outside.

Can you guys help me on how to word this? I'm at a loss what to say. The only Dunaway's left is myself, my father, and my baby sister.

Poems from 2008

It's Over

It's over

After 2 years of love

joy

fear

pain

It ended

The torture your soul has endured may now end

I take the demons I brought into your life

And you will have clear thoughts

Or go back to old ways

That you threw in the fire of understanding wrong

Because we are creatures of habit

The next few months are going to be hard

If I see your light from the corner of my eye

I may turn and want you

to hold me

But we can't

Is It Allowed?

I'm mad at you
But is it allowed?
Will it make you run
Even further than you are now
Or will you finally let go
And be you again

I'm crying for you
But is it allowed?
You seem not to want anything
From me, from anyone
Other than the abusers
Who are responsible for where you are

Call me
Or is it not allowed?
You may be wrapped around
Some other finger
Telling you how high to jump
And where to land

We Must

Sometimes we weep
Whether we were right or wrong
Sometimes we laugh
Even when it's wrong

Then there are the occasions
That slap us in the face
Make us eat shit
Put us in our place

We must keep moving
Whether fowards or back
Little of the future
Is up for attack

We can't live on memories alone
But must take nourishment
From everything, even those that leave us stone

And walk past evil and dread
So we can grow into humans
Living, not dead

I Left

I left
I let the door close
And heard you turn the lock
I hauled my belongings away
No turning back

But now
I drive around
Lost
Trying to remember
Why I did the leaving
And see anothers shadow
Where mine once strolled

Yet I avoid you general vacinity
If I see you I'll beg
Like you did the night
I left

Rain Storms

The rain is falling
And my mind is racing
Words sound like the puddles forming
Under my window
I try to concentrate
But the lightening only illuminates
Bits
Pieces
And revelations boom
Then the gentle whisper
Of thousands of thoughts
I can't make out the individuals
Only the steady hum
And the revelations echo
A common sentiment
Love
Loss
Cleansing, renewal
As the power cuts on and off
I wait for the thoughts
To pronounce themselves
As the hail hits the roof

You Are Not Esthero Bitch

If you're in tha mood
I got my dukes up
Ready for a revolution
And I may not have hip-hop in my veins
Or legs that go on for miles
But I have dignity and pride
And don't have to resort
To whispering sweet evils in his ear
But you have caused my greatest fear
And I've told him to go, get away
So he can be a better man
Than either of us could let him be
Your wicked ways
My naive backwoods world
And him stuck between
A bitch and a slave
I sing melancoly melodies now
Because your succubus words
Stained what was left of his love
And you did it
Because he wouldn't have you
He wanted me
Hopefully, he has enough sense
To see your bullshit through
And tell you to take a long walk
Off that short plank
Into the abyss that you came from

To Where?

Somewhere in the back of my mind
I feel the claws of desperation
Scratching my good intentions
And marring my judgment
Scaring my delicate psyche
Till I want to curl in a ball
And sleep away eternity

Yet, I can not
Will not
Curl up and die
I want to be happy
Simple, pure
Happiness

Where has it all gone
Has it always been so illusive
So far off and small
Or is it the mind chemistry cemetery
Where it has gone off to die
Then be reborn with hyper
Bouncing and jumping
Fighting and singing

Then from the far reaches
Of some inner space
That hasn't been seen in over a decade
A light shines
Ever so dully

Enough to make one uncurl
And look up
To raise your head
And look around
See what you've been lying in

7 Days

Day 1, I knew this was going to be tough

With you asking, pleading for me to stay

I knew things would not be the same

Yet I decided to go with my gut

I cried there in your living room

Knowing this was the end



Day 2 seemed to come and go

Other than the single text

Asking me why I was telling everyone

I was not at the bar

A simple joke gone wrong

Like two years of our lives



Day 3 I moped at the bar

Saw your best friend

Who used to be mine

And tried to stay clear

Of any drama there



Day 4 I tried to have a good time

Out with friends, family

Cut my hair in rebellion to you

And as hard as I tried

My thoughts circled back



Day 5 was a blur

Sleep and work

Consuming my every waking moment

So that I could not think

Could not ponder

All these things



Day 6 was more the same

My work suffers

At the hand of this fate

And I wonder

Why my phone does not ring

Why there are so few calls

So few attempts

For me



Day 7

Today

Why do I miss you so

Why have I only cried that one time

When you pleaded

And I knew

I could not keep on

Yet here I am stuck wishing for a call

A text

Something to make me whole

And now

A lonely tear falls

As I drift to a far off sleep

Where I yell

"Don't stay"

To the crying sheep

Hmmm (Our What If?)

We never met
Nor will we ever
But you brought out the best
In everyone who never
Saw you, met you
Who never will
You
Who will always be a myth
And always a "What If?"

Lima Beans

When lima beans fail
The nurshiment lacks
But all who loved them
Know it's for the best
One day
The lima beans will come in strong
And will heal us
From the seasons of loss
And the time of none
Will be only a myth
Slowly forgotten
Like Roma

Poems from 2007

You May Know Who You Are

i'm not sure whats going on.
since what went down did
you emailed me once
i told you i'd me be there for you
and you haven't returned my calls
i know you are hurting
in immense pain
but you know i will be there for you
just the same
thank god i wasn't the last to know
as usual i would have been
but now you aren't talking to me
and i'm not sure why
probably when you're ready
you will call and lay things down
so they won't burden you quite as bad
as keeping them to yourself would do
i know it is out of character
for you to spill your guts
but there was a time when you did
just in a different way
so when you are ready
call me and i'll be there
cuz i've been there all along
even though we have separate lives
i know you need your friends

Chris

i'm gone
what're you doin
now
you're probably
moping
sleeping
with you're clothes
on
and who
knows
what else
smoking
speed
till
you're so numb
you forget
you
left me

Before Him

why i didn't stay
to tell you
exactly how i felt
before him
i will never know
half way through
all i thought
was of you
how i'm given
the chance of a life time
one i don't want
to be ruined
by my actions
actions of stupidity
of recklessness
all i want
is the happiness
that i felt
before him

The Fearing

somethings not right
i can feel it in the air
hear the cries
i'm not sure what it is
but it feels like it's him
what is wrong
why am i scared
scared to return to his place
to get my things
a fear that should not be justified
yet it resides
deep in my gut
gnawing
chewing
a fear of returning
to retrieve what is mine

Speechless

i'm overwhelmed
seeing you
holding me
overwhelmed
already missing you
not believing reality
fascinated
by things said
not knowing
what to do next
overwhelmed
by my own emotions
noting the peace
the lack of pain
fascinated
by your smile
the twinkle in your eyes
wanting you back here
not out there driving around
speechless
not knowing what to say
only able to write simple words
in simple form
hoping
you read them
since i am
speechless

Disjointed

disjointed
out of place
somethings not right
feelings escape
wondering
pondering
what this is
feeling out of touch
out of sync
didn't work out
knew it wouldn't
yet the blow
knocked me
disjointed
out of place
trying to locate
the sky from the ground
floundering
shaking
lost in myself
in the world
trying to figure out
the next step
what to do

Unfathomable

i couldn't believe you acted the way you did

in a public place

in front of MY friends

when all i've done is try to be

everything you wanted me to be

i knew better of course

than change for you

but did it anyway

as some sort of cure

maybe i wasn't femine enough

or too lazy with my hair

so that if i were a man would want me

to keep me

but reality is

your just a jerk

who wanted to control me

leave me alone

always looking for a reason to leave

never wanting a permanent home

yet now you are looking for a house

and sent me on my way

funny that you never mentioned this

till just the other day

then last night out of the blue

you showed your true colors

getting mad when some innocent guy

just tryed to say hi

not the kind of hi that would make someone jealous

the kind that was meant as a friendly gesture

and you flipped out

stamped your feet

and walked out of the sun shine

In the Middle of the Night

Images flash before staring eyes.
Please call the yellow haired, orange-skinned woman
With pancaked make-up and artificial smile,
Because she needs a few good men.
But first ask your doctor
If this busy bee can help,
With your waist size
Or your waste of a job.
Buy the latest Motor City-Tokyo monster.
Because dirty boys get cleaned,
Washed like the cash you get from your mail.
Tom Bosoley says it works.
Juggle with endless debt
While drinking our tasty hops
That make you popular and attractive
Like the ad you found in the yellow pages.
Heavy plastics, sold by legends and pimple faced kids,
Protect from the most embarrassing itch,
That the caramel haired, orange skinned girl
Requested of you.
But there is hope,
Find the remote.

Walking In to See You

I walk into the sealed teeth
That encase the path to the hive,
Surrounded by untilled heath.
Down the gullet slowly, dive
Into other similar situations en masse.
Shuffle to tables, uniformed drones supervise.
Waiting for you, an elderly man passes.
He turns, and age melts as he sits
In front of me, the man who rolled with me in the grass.
Locked in the hive, missed my first kiss.
Talk covers what transpired in the time
Since he accepted this hand, a life of fits.
Around our piece of bliss, others chat in mime.
Expressing similar sentiment, linked only by faults.
Quaked into reality, the drone says, "Time."
My image covered again in age, like a bank vault
Swung closed around him. Reminded of our place
Within the hive, we part… I taste salt.
Regurgitated out, I look in the mirror at my face,
My eyes wear time like wreaths.
I drive back to my hive, 800 miles from this place.

A Post from September 9, 2008 I made about a dream: I think I know the meaning now!

September 9, 2008 - Tuesday

Bazaar Dreams
Current mood: curious
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
I normally don't write about my dreams on here, but this one won't leave my mind and until about 10 am, I was still thinking I was in the dream.

I had this dream that even though I had been living in the civilian world all this time, I was still in the Army. I got paperwork asking if I wanted to get out or reenlist. Mum asked me what I was going to do and I said "stay in of course." She then asked "well what if they finally send you to Iraq?" I told her that'd be great, that's what I signed up for, to be out there serving my country. Hmmm, it's really weird. I'm no where near condition to go back in, not only weight wise, but health wise. I don't think they would take me anyways ( I was on those meds for a short while back in late 2006). But I don't really think the dream is about me going back into the military but possibly about me as a member of God's army. Who knows... I still can't shake that dream though

I Will Never Be Alone!

You can have your perceptions of me
Whether I'm honest
Self-centered
Crass
And you can take those perceptions
And shove them up your ass
I'm the same person I was
10 years before
Only I've grown, evolved
I know my faults
So what if I give advise
Through retailing something I've gone through
So what if my life seems over the top
I've been through hell and back
And I'm not broke yet
I've been abused, beat up, torn down, taken apart
I've lost loved ones, family, and friends
And I'm still kicking and screaming
I will be till the end
And even if all the friends I have today
Decide to leave me
I'll just make new ones
Because I'll never be alone

Some Time

A course set upon
Lost for so many years
Will we reach that destination?

Whether here or there
Thoughts shared mean more
Than a lack of contact
That has been the norm

Time will only tell
How all will end
Will we reach that far off coast
We set out for?
Or will we just drift aimlessly on these seas?

The thought of not getting to that place,
brings on a pain
I'm used to

And the sounds of this sea,
Swirling around
Confuse the senses and warp our minds

Hope is all that keeps me staring at the compass
To where I can reach that place
With you

Nightmares and Daydreams

I wish that my dreams did not come true
The ones where you fall prey
To an ignorant fool

I do hope that some come true
The ones where we escape
In each other's arms

I wish I did not have this power
To know before things happen
And live with regret

That's why I hold hope tight
To the dreams I hold
And our feelings shared

I can't escape the dred
That I will never escape
But I will share
Every moment I can
With you

Who can predict the future
I know that even
I can not

I want only your happiness
Not mine, not anyone elses
Only yours

Who can protect me
While you are away?
Only your love
And my faith

Who will be there for me
When no one else will?
You and your trust

I can not love anyone
Like I love you
Yet I fear the worse

I cannot help it
I did you wrong once
And I expect
Only the worse

But I will give you
All I have
Support, love
Gratitude

Happiness

I don't remember a time
When I've been this content
Who knew that what's all transpired
Would lead to this happiness?

Listening to music
Hanging in my room
My family all around
Though leaving me be

Who could have guessed
That all I needed was this?
I know I never did
Never thought I could be this happy

Last time I dreamed this big
Things fell through
But I know they won't this time
Too much determination

Too much hope and serenity
Too much love and simple leisure
In sitting in my room
Daydreaming of the future

It will be nice
I know the nightmares
Will fade like the city stars
Have left the sky

And I'll be left
With this pure happiness
That could only happen
This time, this place

Time

I remember a time
When I had a shadow
And coffee was shared
And cynacism was common

I remember a time
That seems so long ago
And life seemed fickle
And nothing was certain

I remember a time
Seems like only yesterday
And I dreamed this dream
And thought it reality

I remember a time
When this was only a dream
And dreams were bad
And they only ended in tragedy

I remember a time
Not so long ago
And it was only a pipe dream
And I was spoken for

I remember a time
That lasted for a year
And I thought you hated me
And I gave up on it

I remember a time
When I couldn't believe this
And now it's coming true
And things are falling in place

And so
Life finally sees it our way
And we are getting this
And it's about time