Military Spouse Appreciation Give-A-Way through a friend

Welcome to the Blog of an Army Wife: Military Spouse Appreciation Give-A-Way!!!

So my buddy Sara is having a give away on her blog. You should check it out and forward it to anyone you know that meets the give a way requirements :) Thanks guys

Just an Update

Well, I'm pretty much settled here in Colorado.  For the most part I'm loving it.  There are things I miss about Texas, like my nieces and nephew.  I miss my friends, but I don't miss most of it, like the drama.  I've got my first of what will end up being many doctor appointments.  I'd normally not go and just tough it out, but I've promised many people that I'd go.  I know that I need to have the ol' brain examined.

Things are good between B and I for the most part.  I think most of any issues we may have stem mostly from my guilt over what happened 10 years ago.  I've really got to forgive myself and move on.  You add in that I'm so far from all I know and am not used to change.  This makes for a sometimes moody Christina.  I cried for the first time today.  I miss the kids more than anything.  I'm scared.  Between my health issues that aren't straight up in the forefront (which makes them easy to forget about at times) and the impending deployment, I'm at a bit of a loss.  I'm used to predictability.  I go by statistics, yet here the statistics aren't proven or solid.  There are too many variables that can affect the outcome of any of it.

I'm making some friends and that's good.  I don't know where everything is here yet though.  I'm also used to being treated like pure shit by men and so I've got my own ways of trying to sabotage a perfectly good thing with words.  Gotta love when you do that...  Man, I swear, I over think things and I make them sound way worse than they really are.  I know one thing I will NOT be saying to the doctor tomorrow, and that is about all my emotional issues.  If they get that info from my medical records at UTA, so be it, but I'm not volunteering that info.  They don't need to know what I used to deal with emotionally since that has no relevance or bearing on what is going on now.  I do know that I do get kinda upset thinking about my own time in the Army being around all these soldiers though.  That is complicated and this blog is not the place for that story.  I'm just glad that I have a couple of outlets for any of my military frustrations, especially at Army Spouse Life.  I still can't talk openly about my frustrations with my own military time.  I just deal with that in my own mind.

I'm just glad that I have B.  You know, even though we've had a couple of weird incidents (one is completely on B, the other completely on me), we're doing well.  I mean, we can sit on the couch and just watch tv and look at each other and it makes things better.  He had a bad day today and yet, looking at me put a smile on his face.  I was just in a mood though today.

Well, I'll definitely be posting what the doctor says and periodic posts on what is going on with that.  I know you guys will be there for me.

Friendship

I'm normally not the sappy type.  I'm sure Lauren would argue that, but she knows a side of me only one other person knows.  The one other person is why I write.  I won't even mention their name, but they know who they are.  You know, I've had my issues over the years, and this person has been there when no one else was.  I'd forget occasionally, but I always knew and know that that person will give me good advice and has my back.  This person has forced me to face reality more times than any one I know.  They helped me in realizing that self pity gets you know where, when I finally let pity take hold for a period of time.  They were my friend even when I wasn't being friendly.  This person taught me, through both my own trials and their own, that life isn't easy but we wouldn't be who we are if it were.  All those tough times shape us into these adults we are today, all rounded areas, scars, and jagged edges.  Though things won't be easy ahead, we move on.  This person is my best friend and tonight, though they were not here with me, I realized just how much of a friend they'd been.  I've always known and Lauren can attest that I've realized this (cuz we all know how I won't shut up!) quite awhile ago.  But something about talking about friends and the circumstances of this friendship, really made me realize just how lucky I am to have a friend like that.  I'm the happiest girl on the planet right now and know I'm one of the luckiest girls as well.

I Hate Pity

I have always prided myself on the fact that I keep some things about myself private.  I know that I have a big mouth.  I know that some of you know pretty much my an entire life story.  There are still certain things that I have not said.  Those things have ended with me having a seizure on a stranger's couch and in their bathroom and best friend left drunk and not knowing what to do.  I am so thankful she was there.  If this would have happened while I was at home and alone, there is no telling what would have happened.  However, no one, and I mean no one, except for me, knew that I had seizures.  Well, my mom did, but she thought they ended a long time ago.  I purposely never told anyone when I had episodes, and upon Googling things and some other research, things are a lot worse than I thought.  I have more seizures than even I thought I was having.  My hubby, God bless him, is being supportive, but only as much as he can be from such a distance.  However, he's now making strange comments.  I don't know... It could be the stress of things with his work.  It could be, like with my friends, a sense of disbelief, that I never told anyone about this.  It could also be that suddenly the image of the woman he fell in love with so long ago is completely changed.

I knew that eventually this would happened.  I knew that eventually I would have a seizure that I would have to tell people about.  That finally happened.  Go figure that it would happen after I have access to insurance.  I still have not made it to a doctor.  I will as soon as I move to be with my hubby.  My biggest fear is that my B will no longer want to be with me and definitely not want to reproduce with me.  I have other genetic issues that affect that.  This whole thing has me wanting to cry and curl into a ball and hide.  I'm also really tired, which I always am after a bad episode.  I already have problems with reproducing as it is and this just makes the whole thing worse.

If you have several episodes of blacking out, no alcohol needed, and losing large tracks of time, see a doctor. If you wake up in the middle of the night throwing up, with no reason, see a doctor.  Please.  There is no reason for people to go 29 years, having seizures, and not have relief.  There is no reason for people like me, to sit in silence while we suffer through nights of terror and embarrassment, having to clean up after something we have no idea of why we are cleaning up throw up.  And if you are the spouse or in a relationship with someone that has any of this happens to, when it happens, take them to the hospital.  They may be undiagnosed and need the trip to the ER.  Make it your duty as a friend to know of any underlying conditions of your close friends to know if they need to go to the ER if they behave erratically, within the construct of their normal behavior.

Many times people go years without having a diagnosis of what is actually ailing them.  They are told they are everything from bipolar to hyperchondriac, but in reality there is an underlying condition causing issues.  That is why it is imperative, as their friend, for you to recognize what is normal behavior and what is not.  As a friend, it is also your responsibility to tell your friends if you have any underlying conditions that may require medical attention.  I did not do this and did not get the medical attention that I most likely needed.  I decided, a long time ago, that I wasn't going to tell anyone about this because I HATE pity.  I really do.  And I wasn't about to have people coddle me over this.  I am a normal person.  My brain just functions a bit differently.

Not Happy (warning, there is cursing)

If you read my blog on my baby sister, you knew part of the situation.  Well dad talked with them (baby sis & BIL) the other night and BIL brought out a 7 page "list" of grievances about my mother.  I will not repeat most of it, as it is all pure lies and misrepresentations of the truth.  However, my name is brought up many times in the 7 page discourse.  If I ever see that BIL, I'm punching him in his face.  How can someone so intelligent, be so dumb? (Wait, hasn't my dad said that about me?)  Anywho, basically it boils down to, my baby sis is a lying sack of dog dung and her husband is blind as a bat to believe every word she says.  You put the two together and my mom is accused of everything from being suicidal (constantly) to an abuser, both physically and sexually!!!  Yeah, not happy.  Well dad read their grievances and told them straight up that it was false.  If only I could have been a fly on that wall!!!!  I knew for years that my sister misrepresented reality in her own mind, but I did not realize how truly delusional she truly is until I read the paper BIL typed up.  I mean it's worse than ever!  He even included a list of signs of an abusive personality and said they all were mom (actually, they are all my baby sis)... If it wasn't for Alexia, I'd march over to their home & beat the living shit out of BIL.  

In addition, apparently, I'm the favored child!  Since my BFF & my middle sis planned, paid for, and threw me a graduation and bachelorette party at my parents' home.  They said mom did it!  Talk about two women who are mad!  Mom even said she had nothing to do with either.  My middle sis planned my graduation party and my BFF planned my bachelorette party.  The only thing mom did, besides clean up the house and do a little of this and that, was let us use the house.  Shit, baby sis was even at my bachelorette party and heard that Lauren did it all!  In the list of grievances, they said one of the reasons they did not come to the family gathering/birthday party for me, was they did not want to attend another event where I was praised and my baby sister was excluded.... BITE ME!!!  I do not have it in me to politely put that.  I can't think of a way to express my anger over that without using cuss words and throwing a fist.  I'm fuming.  My baby sis was ALWAYS the favored one.  Sure we never got parties growing up, but my parents did everything for her, they even admit it, especially after Alexia was born.  I FINALLY graduate college, so I want to have the family together to celebrate.  I FINALLY get married, so I want a bachelorette party for my friends to celebrate that.  WTF is wrong with that????  I can't help it the damn bitch never went to college.  I can't help it, she doesn't have the balls to put together her own family get togethers to celebrate her.  Shit, the "birthday" party was more family gathering than party.  We, as a family, wanted to get together and just hang out.  That's part of what is wrong with American culture.  Families don't get together enough and just be together.  I cannot believe they want to use my good fortune as an excuse to be assholes to everyone that's ever done good by them!!!

I'm fuming... I'm raving mad... I want to take a baseball bat upside BIL's head and knock some sense into his fucking brain.  I'm sorry that this is not more diplomatic, as I try to be when I talk about such things, but I'm so mad I could spit fire!

Thanks for listening guys, all these years, whether on here or on MySpace, LiveJournal, and DiaryLand.

From my MySpace Blog

I've been sooooooo busy. Between graduating college, getting married, and now packing for the big move some time soon, I haven't been writing as much. Plus, many of my poems are just rehashes of the same happy sentiments over and over again, no problem with that though :)

I will be posting a list of things for sale in a bulletin soon. I'm not sure if anyone will want any of it, but who knows. I'm going to miss all my Texas friends and family, but I cannot wait to start married life. I feel so lucky to have my honey and after reading through so many journals, poems, random writings, and bits of paper that I've had packed away from over the years, my honey has been that rock over the years. Some of what I've read has upset me, brought back old pains, but has shown me how much I've grown over the years. Some of you have personally seen this growth, others just know me as I am now. I have not always been the rock that many of you see today, especially after some of the things I've read. There were so many entries of how depressed I was or who I was dating at the time or who I was allowing to use me as a doormat. The fact that I made it through all the abuses, the assaults, the drunken stupidity in one piece is a testament to the fact that I am a strong person and have learned from my mistakes, trails, and experiences. I think the most difficult entries to read were those from the 2001. What I went through then can only be compared to the darkest moments of my childhood. I don't remember most of that and I count myself blessed that I don't.

Why then do I keep the old journals? My plan is to use those later as a way to, as accurately as possible, compile my autobiography in hopes of reaching out to young women, and even men, who have gone through some of the same things. I will continue to live by my policy that bad experiences are no excuse for bad behavior.

I love my sweetie, and I miss him something awful. Be safe out there and if you're Arlington side, you need to see me before I leave state.

Marriage

Monday, at 12:30 pm MST, I got married.  I'm still a bit in shock.  I can't believe that someone, let alone B, would want to marry me.  I know, I know, I'm wonderful; however, it's always weird when you fought for something for so long and never got it and it finally comes about.  Now, I'm Mrs. Wilks.  I guess I shouldn't be so surprised.  B's been in love with me for 12 years and asked me to marry him 5 years ago... the first time.  Yet, I'm still in shock and still cannot believe that it's happened.  I really can't wait to move to Colorado.  The last 10 days were the best 10 days in my life.  Yeah, ever, including the 6 months I had with Gary so long ago.  I can honestly say that without a hint or doubt of remorse or lying.  I honestly cannot wait to start married life.  I'm not lookin forward to the year he will be in Afghanistan, but that is the Army life and I'll deal with it like I've dealt with a lot worse.

I'm not looking forward to cleaning up after B, but then again I can't wait to cook for him.  After making him breakfast many times, I know he'll really like my dinners and desserts.  I can't wait to have my cooking bring forth a positive response.  I know that is a bit weak sounding but for too long my cooking received no praise or appreciation despite the fact that I did my best and came up with many awesome recipes on my own.  I'm just glad that no matter how quickly or slowly the Army processes our paperwork, I'll be in Colorado in early March at the latest.  I'm hoping for mid February though.  I really can't wait to move there.  Not only to be with B, but cuz it's so much better than Texas.