100 Things! (1-20)

My buddy on Twitter ImWendy has been doing a blog on 100 things about her and it inspired me to do the same thing here about me! Yeah, I'm kooky like that, getting inspiration from others and all, lol.

So with out further ado:

1) I hate most condiments. It's easier to say what I will have. I like ketchup, barbecue sauce, cheese, and soy sauce. That's it for the most part. Well, there is cream cheese and italian dressing. Oh and I'll only eat ranch if it's the thick ranch just for veggie dipping.

2) If my partner has eaten mustard or mayo, I will not kiss them until they brush their teeth. I can smell it and it is nasty! You hear that B dear? I will not kiss you if you've had mayo or mustard! Oh and I won't touch it either. So yeah, no putting it on my honey's sandwich either. I won't open the bottle. That's something they have to do. The smell of mustard is actually worse than mayo, but both make me want to puke.

3) I will now admit that I love Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. Yes, I do.

4) My fiancee is my best friend of the last 12 years and we dated once when I was in the army. He's now in the Army and I'm a civilian.

5) When I was in high school, I swore up and down that everyone hated me, except B. He followed me around like a puppy dog drinking my coffee. He has since informed me that I was actually quite popular. I was... I thought about it and have had it reaffirmed repeatedly through the planning of my 10 year reunion. Wow, there are too many people that know me, lol.

6) I love photography! I would love to be a professional one day, but I have more pressing dreams to pursue first.

7) When I was a girl I wanted to be a GI Joe, an astronaut, a writer, a ninja turtle, and teacher. The ninja turtle one is impossible, but I've been everything but the teacher (astronaut is figuratively).

8) I've been actively keeping journals and such since the third grade. I've been writing poetry and short stories since the 2nd. I love reading my old journals, stories, poems, and blogs. They bring me entertainment and sometimes make me angry at myself for being dumb.

9) I've been diagnosed as bipolar, OCD, and generalized anxiety disorder. The only one on my medical record is the GAD. This is because:

10) My shrink says that I am the most self aware person he has ever treated.

11) I hate shrinks and doctors. Usually they don't know what they're talking about.

12) I have no children of my own but have been known to call other people's kids my babies. One day I'll have my own, but not yet (and good thing too, I like my booze, lol). Actually, it's not the booze. I didn't want kids while I was doing my undergrad work, and have been lucky that I have not ended up with any.

13) I've been called every name in the book, dyke, fag, homo, bitch, butch, you name it, I've probably been called it. I don't fit a "feminine" model so therefore I'm pigeon holed. I don't fit in these holes either. The gender role dicotomy we live in is pathetic and is only hurting all of us.

14) I'm an avid reader when I'm not in school. I can easily read 50 books in a year. When I worked at Otto, I was reading about a book a week if not more. I did read alot of trash fiction, but then, I ran out of my own books to read and started reading the books floating around the office, lol.

15) I read Marvin Harris and Levi-Strauss for fun. I'm a nerd. That's all there is to that. We used to say in my Cultural Anthropology Theory class "What Would Marvin Harris Think?"

16) I love to cook! I love to invent in the kitchen. It's another outlet for my creativity, which seems to just ooze from me. However, I hate to clean up the kitchen. Ok, it's just the dishes. I hate doing dishes!!!! I'll do the floors, cabinets, stove, oven, name it, but I hate the dishes. Dishes are evil!

17) My ex's friends still think that my oldest niece is actually my kid, lol. Maybe it's because I've always been really close to that kid. She also looks and acts like me for the most part. Maybe it is that the child has my intellect. Maybe it's the fact they are dumb? I don't know exactly why but up till about a year ago, my ex believed she was too.

18) I am almost too open. I will tell perfect strangers intimate details about my life. It's not that I have an inability to keep my mouth shut it is that the need to tell these details seems to present itself. People have this thing about being very candid with me.

19) People will tell me the craziest stuff. I've had people confess to me some insane things over the years. Apparently I'm safe to talk to. I think I'm starting to get my old ability to talk anyone off the ledge. It's not 100% but hey, it's coming back.

20) I'm such a typical Capricorn! So much so, I was even born on a Saturday. Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, if you need it spelled out. I'm a workaholic and I will probably be climbing the walls after the first month I'm in CO and not working. I'll have to have a job pretty quickly, not just for my bills, but cuz I have to have a job. I'm also insanely stubborn and a natural leader.

Old Journal Entries Lead to Insite

I had a poem idea and didn't want to just post it. Well, I grabbed my newest journal that I bought in 2007. The first entry amused me. I'm going to post that first entry now, inserts of my own now will be in parenthesis.

Intro-ductory matters...

"Where to begin?" is a good question. Seeing as I've kept journals continuously until Gary passing in April 2000, I do not want to back track to far. However, I do want to make known certain facts that may help along the way.

1) I have a horrible knack for jumping to strange conclusions based on tidbits that are either very loosely related or not related at all, i.e. thinking Chris was on speed continuously (though in that time he was for the most part).

2) I used (to) not do anything impulsive AT ALL. I kept to the try & true paths I'd known. then I did something impulsive! Oh geesh, I have to watch myself!

3) I can see & hear spirits, I have prophetic dreams, and other spiritual gifts. I believe that my first born will save the world and I am a member of God's Army. (Though now that I think back, my first born is just the key to the salvation of the world, but I'm still a God Spawn)

4) When I'm single, I can be a "slut," however when I'm in a relationship I am very monogamous. (Despite my attraction to females, I would never have a threesome while in a relationship as it is cheating on my partner since I'd be with someone other than them, even with their consent.)

5) I've studied most major religions & grew up as a Baptist. When I was (around) four years old, I asked my mom if I could be a nun :). Now, if I attend church it is Catholic mass. {I practiced Wicca for (almost) over a decade.}

6) I'm in love with one of the sweetest (dumbest) guys ever. One day I hope to be Mrs. Ross (I'm going to be Mrs. Wilks, thank you very much!)!

7) I'm an Anthropology major at the University of Texas at Arlington. I love school and am (a) self-proclaimed nerd. (I'm now an English major and will be graduating in December.)

So, there you have some basic facts about me. Let's see though, I work at ********* as a receptionist, Chris and I have a wonderful furchild, Spitfire (I miss her!), and my 96 Taurus is haunted by a ghost named Anne Marie and she is a BITCH! (She really was)

My purpose in this journal is to keep an accurate record of things to come & dreams I have, since I do realize that I have a tendency to skew my own perception of things & my "mental condition" is usually to blame, even if I hate using that reason. Hopefully by keeping a journal I can capture the little wonderful things in life on paper and trap the bad.

7/6/2007 0945

Same day:

Quote in Celtic Myth & Magick by Edain McCoy

"Three things that foster high spirits: self-esteem, courting, drunkenness." -From The 33 Triads, ninth century

"What is title, what is treasure, What is reputation's care? If we lead a life of pleasure, Tis no matter how or where!" - Robert Burns

"Three excellent qualities in dress: style, comfort, durability." - From The 33 Triads, ninth century (And that's how I dress)

"For everything is sacred, poetry of heavenly nature is on these hills" -Islwyn

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious." -Albert Einstein

"Seek first the gifts of the spirit. And those of mankind will surely follow." -Matthew D. O'Reilly

"Ni bhionn an rath ach mar a mbionn an smacht" {There is no luck except where there is discipline.} -Irish Proverb

(Skip some, there are tons of quotes from this book)

"But to see her was to love her, Love but her, and love forever." -William Butler Yeats

*****"If you be too talkative, you will not be heeded, If you be too silent, you will not be regarded..." from The Book of Acaill

"Golden slumbers kiss your eyes, Smiles awake you when you rise..." -Thomas Dekker

1614 7/6/2007

To quote myself: "I've been fascinated however with how the words have been spilling from me. It is as someone who has starved or thirst and finally come across refreshment. There is so much I would love to express, but those are the words that escape me. To double back on myself, I think my unfamiliarity with my own hand is contributed to my heavy use of computers and the impersonal air of the typed word. Even more now than ever, one must find their voice in writing to distinguish them from the other impersonal type coming into the hands of the reader" (I'm so freaking brilliant at times, lol.)

My fave line I've read (that is so wrong I LOL'ed) is "As he's (Chris) said previously, he does not hold grudges." WTF?!?! He still held that lone kiss that no one saw against me til the day we called it quits. And the most fucked up thing in this journal is that I have a schedule of my approximate day and I have scheduled in "sex with Chris!" WTF! One should not have to put that into a schedule to keep a relationship going!

My conclusions after reading about a month's worth of entries in this journal that I wrote a brief poem in? Damn I was a dumb ass not to see that Chris was reading my journal back then. No wonder he didn't "remember" me telling him I had a miscarriage, cuz it wasn't written in that entry. What a dumb ass! What really gets me is how censored the journal is. How I would pussy foot around the real issues. They are addressed to some degree, but really I pussy footed around them to a degree that you can very well see the state of our relationship (not good).

To answer a question I asked in this journal on 7.25.07 "How do you prove to someone that your betrayal was an isolated incident? Or how do you show someone that you would never intentionally hurt them again?" Easy, if they truly love you, they will forgive you and move on. I know this for a fact now. I truly know what it is to not hold a grudge. If ANYONE had a right to hold a grudge against a transgression of mine, it's B, not Chris. I actually, truly, cheated on B in 99. All I did to Chris was accidentally kiss a guy when I was crying on his shoulder. But B forgave me and moved past it, way past it (considering he asked me to marry him the first time in 2004). The beauty of this entire situation is that I'm sure that without the troubles I went through with Chris, I would not be able to recognize that now. I would not be able to see how lucky I really am. B doesn't ever bring up that incident. Chris brought up that incident regularly.

I think what I'm getting at here, is that I knew I had grown as a person, but not to what extent until I opened this journal to write a brief poem in it. I am truly lucky!

I am Not a Happy Camper

I love my new iPhone, but I now do not love AT&T like I used to.

Thursday, I went in to upgrade my phone, and was most likely going to get the iPhone, but there was one thing that was very important to me, that I could send pictures via text message. Email doesn't work since I'm sending these pics to B. Do I need to explain that one? No? Good! I asked the sales rep, point blank, if I could send pictures via text on the phone. Her response was yes. Not "yes, but not yet" or "not yet, but you should be able to by the end of summer." Her answer was just "yes." I said good cuz my fiancee really likes to get pictures and emails is not an option. I went with the 3G since I have no need for video capabilities or an overly large memory and had a budget of $200 for phone and accessories. I got the phone home, loved it, but didn't even attempt to send my first pic via text message until last night at about 9 pm. I could not. So I went online and got the customer service number to ask AT&T about it. Customer service was closed and said that they would be closed on Sunday as well! That made me really angry as that meant I would have to go to a store to talk to someone, wasting gas.

I did my ranting online and found out that there were two law suits against AT&T about this. I mean my beat up old ass Razr can send pictures via text! Their best selling phone should be able to. According to Apples site, the phone is capable of doing this, but it's based on your cell phone provider. AT&T being the largest provider to the iPhone should have already had this in place.

Well this afternoon, I went to the AT&T store that I purchased my iPhone from and had to complain since the sales associate lied to me there. I talked to the "manager on duty" and he was nice enough, doing the whole acknowledging my complaints but not saying anything. I mean there really isn't much he can do since he doesn't have the information that I needed, i.e. when is MMS going to be available. I'm not sure what, if anything is going to happen to the sales rep. I then asked the manager how much it would be to cancel the line for my air card as I no longer use it, having wireless everywhere that I need to use my laptop. He tells me $120 after looking at my account. I said ok. But he then proceeds to tell me that if we changed the line to a family plan and add unlimited text, there would not be a cancellation fee and I could put the SIM card in one of my back up phones with a camera and send pics that way. I agree with it since it would save me about $30 a month over my current bill doing it that way.

I get home and put the SIM card from my air card into my Razr I was using before the iPhone. I send B an old pic that was still on my phone and it would not send. I look online and the text block was still on despite there being unlimited texting on the phone! I then had to go to the AT&T store again, but I wasn't about to go back to the Highlands store. That is the one I've been having all the trouble with. So I drove all the way to the Mansfield store where they are always very helpful. Russel, who helped me, was very nice and did the best he could for me. I told him everything that happened. We looked at my account and he took the text block off. We reset the Razr and tried to send a text again. Nothing. He tried to send a text to it. Nothing. He looked at my account again and the block had cleared. So he took out my SIM card and put in their demo card. The phone sent and received a message. We had to prove it wasn't the phone.

At this juncture he asks me if I would like a new SIM card. I told him that what I really wanted to do earlier was just cancel the line. The manager on duty at the other store told me it would be $120. Well, since we changed the plan two hours before, it is now $175 to cancel that line! I told him to do it. That line is now disconnected.

I'm calling the customer service line tomorrow and talking to them. It is not fair that I should be charged that much for a line that just got changed. There is a certain amount of time that you are allowed to change your mind and I believe it is longer than two hours! I also want to complain to someone that can actually do something other than nod at me about my troubles with the Highland store.

Honestly if you go to an AT&T store in the Arlington area, do NOT go to the Highland store on I20! Go to either the one in Mansfield or another corporate store. You also do not want to go to an authorized dealer. I only go to corporate stores.

Thanks for listening to me bitch all weekend guys!

No Words

I don’t think words

Could ever express

Exactly what goes on

In my mind

I hear how lucky I am

And I can’t express to them

How truly lucky I am

To have you

The one that I’ve hurt

The one that’s heard

Every woe and whine

And is there still

The one that forgave

My mistakes and still

Stayed by my side

And cared

How do you express

How lucky you are

Other than with clichés

Such as blessed

We’re not a cliché

But this is the epitome

Of my love story dreams

And then some

To have the one who truly

Deeply, madly, without a doubt

Loves me, completely

Not just my look

The one who holds onto

Every word, recalls things

I lost somewhere over time

That help console me

I really can’t express

Truly, how lucky I am

Words will always falter

But I am

I can't sleep

I can't sleep...

I can't say exactly why. I know that if I fell asleep my dreams would not be an issue, lol. However my mind is going a hundred miles per hour. There is tons to think about and ponder. Day dreams to explore...

I'm really excited about the future. I don't think I've been this excited in some time. And the excitement isn't just from obvious reasons; my visions, as it were, have been quite clear and things are looking good. Well, the path I've choosen is the correct one, and things aren't going to end up like that horrid nightmare I had for 18 months (or something like that, those who know, know) and was just a fear being presented in dream form. Visions generally come from dreams, but not all dreams, even nightmares, are visions. That one was a nightmare, and that is it.

But I'm allowed my fears. Fears are natural and normal. It is when those fears rule our lives that there is an issue. Fears can cause us to send out unwarrented negative energy. Negative energy can endanger others if left unchecked. I will not endanger others with my fears. I have checked them. I think part of the fear is the lack of control I will have over that situation. However, I can not control everything. I have to remind myself of that fact often. I sometimes forget. However, I take control of what I can, actually and in reality, control. Such things are: school, whether I work at a job I like/don't like, who and where I hang out, you know things that I can control... Things I can't control though are like if some fool shows up where I'm at, my boss decides to be a douche, or UTA screws me outta of a grade (which they've done similar crap in the past).

So basically what I think I'm trying to get at is that I couldn't be any happier. Well, I could, but that requires it to be December, lol. Let me rephrase then, I could not be any happier right now!

Me, Myself, and I

So like I said earlier today on Twitter and Facebook, I think I should write blogs based on the somewhat hilarious conversations in my head. So here is a sample, not the most brilliant but it's a reality, lol.

Me: I'm so happy!

Myself: Let's analyze why!

I: But happiness is fleeting *whine*

Myself: Stop whining fool! Let's see, is there a logical reason for your happiness, Me?

Me: I think so, B is pretty cool. And not only is there the entire B thing, but also school.

Myself: Logic dictates that these are not chemically based emotions.

Me: Yes, and I'm not showing any of the normal "maniac" signs, like over or under eating or staying up late.

Myself: Nor signs of a chemical depression, such as the eating thing and over sleeping.

I: But what about... *sniffle*

Me & Myself: Shut up!

Me: Yes, I've noticed this as well.

I: The other shoe will drop, you'll see!

Myself: "The other shoe" is only a metaphor for your predisposition towards pessimism and melancholy, they didn't say they called you "Joy because she brings Misery" without reason hun.

I: Be nice! Misery was a friends nickname!

Myself: And what you projected walking amongst people in high school.

I: You don't love me!

Myself: What in the world are you talking about?

Me: Guys please, I'm trying to concentrate.

I: It's always you, you, you. What about me?

Myself: Oh brother here we go again!

I: What does that mean? It's always about her! I need attention.

Myself: You need a lobotomy!

I: Well you need a haircut, your hair is stupid!

Myself: Your hair is stupid.

Me: We have the same hair you idiots.

Myself: This is correct. I allowed I's illogical tactics to taint my judgement.

Me: For my sake, please stop!

Myself: Go whine somewhere else. Whining fixes nothing, just like your tendency towards violence solves nothing.

Me: Yes I, violence is what solves nothing. You guys really though, I'm happy.

Myself: I you are really getting on my nerves, stop sniveling over there.

I: Sniveling my foot. Life is nothing but death and gloom and doom.

Yeah, ok that wasn't as funny as I would think it would be.... I really need to take notes better of these debates. I'll try again when I have a better debate going on up there

Simplicity

I think I’ve found forever
In that simple look
Even from this distance

I know this is right
With all we’ve seen
Through all that has transpired

We are due this
From the point of yesterday
And through to forever

I see in your words
That this is real
Forever isn’t that long

I can’t believe that
During all this time
I’ve put this off so long

We are due this
From the point of the first kiss
And through to old age

I’m ready to be there
Whether you are next to me
Or not and away somewhere far off

I know that through it all
No matter how hard
And no matter how long

We will be there
From the point that I say I do
And until we’re grey and cranky