Marriage

Monday, at 12:30 pm MST, I got married.  I'm still a bit in shock.  I can't believe that someone, let alone B, would want to marry me.  I know, I know, I'm wonderful; however, it's always weird when you fought for something for so long and never got it and it finally comes about.  Now, I'm Mrs. Wilks.  I guess I shouldn't be so surprised.  B's been in love with me for 12 years and asked me to marry him 5 years ago... the first time.  Yet, I'm still in shock and still cannot believe that it's happened.  I really can't wait to move to Colorado.  The last 10 days were the best 10 days in my life.  Yeah, ever, including the 6 months I had with Gary so long ago.  I can honestly say that without a hint or doubt of remorse or lying.  I honestly cannot wait to start married life.  I'm not lookin forward to the year he will be in Afghanistan, but that is the Army life and I'll deal with it like I've dealt with a lot worse.

I'm not looking forward to cleaning up after B, but then again I can't wait to cook for him.  After making him breakfast many times, I know he'll really like my dinners and desserts.  I can't wait to have my cooking bring forth a positive response.  I know that is a bit weak sounding but for too long my cooking received no praise or appreciation despite the fact that I did my best and came up with many awesome recipes on my own.  I'm just glad that no matter how quickly or slowly the Army processes our paperwork, I'll be in Colorado in early March at the latest.  I'm hoping for mid February though.  I really can't wait to move there.  Not only to be with B, but cuz it's so much better than Texas.

Oops

So my sister has been acting fishy. My parents have been coming to me asking what is going on with her. There are two reasons for this. One: They know she talks to me. Two: They know I have a big mouth and if you ask me enough I will spill the beans. Nevertheless, after being "drilled" by my parents, I finally talked to them. Plus the entire situation is pretty stupid. I know that I probably shouldn't have said anything as it's not really my place, but at the same time I'm sick of being in the middle. I guess you guys expect the break down.

A little background: I am the oldest of four. There is my baby sister, who is my sister by blood. There is my middle sister, sister by marriage. And lastly, my baby brother, also by marriage. I've known my middle sister and baby brother since my brother was 2, so they are truly my brother and sister. Our childhoods' were not easy, none of them. But I think I can honestly say that the younger two had it much easier than me and my middle sister. We're the oldest of our respective blood families and as such took the brunt of our respectful parents' wraths. Not only did I personally deal with my mother's wrath, which was uncontrolled in earlier years, but I was abused by my biological father as well. My baby sister, on the other hand, did not suffer under our biological father's hands and got it much easier from mom. As I told my parents today, I feel that mom was closer to my baby sister than do me and I always felt that my baby sis was her favorite of us two. I can't speak on behalf of my middle sis, but I'm sure she felt the same of her baby brother. Now, mom is medicated and things are much better.

Mom now seems to favor my middle sis & baby brother, but I can see things from her perspective there too. She is probably trying to make up for how she treated them early on when our family was first melted together and as we grew up. Like I said, mom was pretty wrathful then. So when my baby sister starts going on about the abuse she has gone through from our mother, I got upset. I still do. I really get pissed, and I mean pissed, when she goes on about our biological father abuses. HE DIDN'T ABUSE YOU!!!! Like I wrote in another blog, I don't like using abuse as an excuse for being stupid. She's now using supposed abuses against her to keep her daughter from my parents and with that says "I'm not trying to punish dad but mom blah blah blah." It varies from conversation to conversation.  I don't like listening to her about this and I think my niece deserves much more than she's getting right now.  I'm not going to dwell too much but I will continue to be upset as this progresses.  I'll also update you guys about it as well.

OMG!!!

Ok... I'm extremely happy

I can't believe that the man that I would kick to flirt with back when I was 16, cuz I liked him, likes me, and wants to marry me and I am ACTUALLY going to marry him.  I can't believe that he wants to marry me after everything that I've put him through and after everything I've been through.  He knows all I've been through, both good, bad and ugly.  He knows so much about me that the fact he WANTS to marry me (in and of itself) freaks me out.  I can't believe that I actually have my BA in anything, let alone English ( though it was ALWAYS my strongest subject).

The fact that GOOD things are coming about has me so freaked out that I have NO fucking idea how to act.

I love him.  I really do. Despite the fact that I have my own version of cold feet, he still wants to marry me. I'm glad. But then my doubts take over. How in the world can ANYONE really love ME!!!! Seriously.... I am a bitch. I'm a cunt. I'm fucking bi-fucking-sexual for Christ sake. Yet he loves me.  I've been sexually abused.  I have "daddy issues" and my biological mother is a bitch who any sane person would hate.  I love her though, none the less.  She's the female version of Peter Griffin.  Don't just take my word for it, my friends agree.  She doesn't know better than to act the way she does.  Though ignorance is rarely an excuse, I allow it for her.  She is the woman that is half responsible for my presence on this planet.  By horrid biological father is the other half.  My loving honey is one of the reasons that I haven't done something stupid...

But I'm freaking out!!! Who knew that I could get my bachelors in anything?  Who knew that someone would actually marry me?  Who knew that I could accomplish anything that I set my mind to?

I couldn't, I can't.... I'm freaking out

Then I'm wondering why in the world is CR and his friends not showing up in all the usual places.  NONE of them were at the Aesop Rock show.  None have been at the bar on any of the occasions I've been since October.  October was the last time I talked to CR.  I don't care what's goin on with CR but at the same time, it's really weird that they would all suddenly NOT show up at underground hip-hop shows and the bars that they ALL used to run.  This, however, is contrary to what I knew prior to meeting any of them.  Prior, I would go to Cave's and would not meet any of them.  How am I sure you ask? Cuz Tito is a mixed dude with a 'hawk, that's how.  So not seeing any of them at the bar is really fucking weird.  I don't mind the calm, but not seeing any of them is just beyond weird!  It's like going to work every day and then suddenly your boss isn't coming in and the only explanation you get is they're on a different shift, but really they're not cuz you rotate shifts and see that they are never there.  It makes me worry, especially after the last time I ran into any of that crew.  One person told me that don't give two shits what happened to CR and the other told me they were more worried about CR then they were about their speed habit.  I'm not really worried about CR, but I don't want him & his friends avoiding where they would like to hang out (cuz that's where drinks are cheapest and closet to where any of them live) because of me.  I know I have a HUGE ego but not like that.

Ok, I'm much more comfortable that things are going well for me.  I'm really  not used to things going well for me.  If you've read some of my old blogs, you know that not everything has been easy.  But I know that we're all due good things eventually.  I can only hope that those old nightmares will NEVER come true.  That way I can have my "happily ever after" and still live in reality.

Please pray for us.  I know that sounds weird coming from me, however, I am a praying individual.  Please pray for us, especially if you know our complete situation

Mmmm My Foot Tastes Good

Not sure what happened

With where that conversation went

But I want you to know

I will always be there for you

When it counts

When the chips are actually on the table

Not when you are pulling a bluff

And everyone calls you on it

I will always have your back

And will always be at your side

Whether figuratively 

Or metaphorically

But I just can't call bluffs

I can't bluff 

Even to save my own hide

And if I could, I think my credibility 

Would be completely shot

So please

Don't be mad

Don't hold my loose tongue

Against me

Realize that if I were there

And able to see all that happened

I would have kept

My trap that has sunk

My battleship many times

Shut tighter than the seams 

Of my waterproof tent

I'd much rather 

Not say a word

Than upset you

Because I like the taste

Of my own foot

Veteran's Day Blog/Rant (Don't F with Vets)

It is Veteran's Day. A day to thank those who have served this country and remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice. I posted my thanks on Twitter today, asking others to thank a vet for their service and received some very rude comments from @Ray_Peterson, the first being "Vets protect the interests of the wealthy and the powerful. They do it because it is their paid job" and followed it with "Vets are the paid company cops of the wealthy & powerful." Like I told him, he obviously never served this country and he obviously has no understanding of what the military really is. We are all aware that it is run by a corrupt government; however, we don't blame the troops, we support them. They enlisted for various reasons. Some joined because of a family tradition of service. Others join because they just want to serve their country. Some join because they know no other means out of their poor economic circumstances. Others join for the enlistment bonus, whatever it may be. But all have done one thing that many will or would never do, and that is try. They go in and do the best they can, whether they make it a career or are hurt during basic training/boot camp. They did their part to the best of their ability to serve this great nation, to no longer take for granted the freedoms most of us do not think about but when they are violated. All who serve make sacrifices. Whether it is the comfort of home, job opportunities in the civilian world, a limb, or their life, they sacrifice to make sure that each of us can go to bed at night knowing that we still can worship whatever god we want, say pretty much anything we want, including bashing and belittling those who have served.

I know that some of our rights have been infringed on. The Patriot Act is one of the worse bills ever passed, and it violates so many of our rights. However, this is NOT the doing of the soldiers, it is the government. There is a difference and obviously some people are too narrow-minded to distinguish the difference between government and the military. I can only pray that one day their eyes will be opened to see that there is a difference.

With all that, don't fuck with a vet on Veteran's Day. I'm a vet myself, I was in the Army in 1999, got multiple stress fractures in both feet and in my right knee cap. I do not go on long tangents about my service because there are so many others who have served longer and done more for this country than I could ever do. I would never take back my time in the Army, I loved almost every minute of it. The parts I don't love is a blog for another time, and probably will never happen. But even when I was in high school, and a raging anti-government, anti-war pacifist kid, I NEVER disrespected the vets. I know what the Vietnam vets went through upon coming home from a war that no one agreed with. I don't agree with Iraq and Afghanistan has gone down hill and we need to restructure, but I would NEVER bash those that fight. They do what they are told. If you bash a vet, you bash me and many of my friends. Since my feet are pretty much all better (still can't run though), if you got something to say, say it to my face... Yeah, see what happens.

Music Rant

So today I was talking with a guy in my literary theory class about the underground hip-hop scene in Colorado. Not sure even how it came about, but I had recently noticed that some of the groups and artists that I follow go through there ALOT. Well I say that there is a decent scene there and this dude, who established a couple years ago in another class that he was into metal, decides that he suddenly knows something about the underground scene here and in Colorado. He starts going on about how there is a scene there but the scene here in the Dallas area is way bigger. I counter that I was in the scene due to my ex (thank you soooooooo much Chris for that) and the scene is almost nonexistent. His counter "oh no, the scene here is bigger, what do you call that 'dance party' show that is broadcast in several states?" I looked at him with a look that was a mix of contempt and disbelief.... "You mean the show where they play only songs that are played on the radio? That ain't underground dude, that's mainstream bullshit," I said. He ignored my response and kept on about how he lived in Colorado and there is this scene and that scene, but not a hip-hop scene. I told him then how do explain Lyrics Born being their for 3 different shows this month alone, or Sage Francis being there about once a year when he hasn't been to Dallas (which according to him is one of the hubs, the other is Houston, of the "underground" scene)? His only retort then was that he lived there and KNEW. Yeah, sure dude, you know about something that you have absolutely NO experience in. Sure, you know, sure.

Well, I at least know better. Too bad though I don't live near Providence, RI... I know I missed an awesome freakin show tonight. Many may not know this about me, but I love goin to shows. I promised B though I'd lay off the mosh pits. I do need to get to a good metal/rock show too, but I've been to a rock show since the last time I've been to a hip-hop show and it's a totally different vibe.

Anywho! So I come home and I'm sitting here doing homework. I take a study break and add a couple artist I hadn't previously, like Buck 65, and the new group I was told about Saturday, Doomtree, who I just found out has this guy Cecil Otter in it who's on Strange Famous Records as a solo artist... So I get this add, which I get bands adding me from time to time since about 2/3 of my friends are bands. I do give each band add a chance, but I only listen to 2 tracks and I listen only about 1-2 minutes in. Well, I click on the profile and I'm greeted to what sounds like a crappy MIDI file. The guy's bio says "If you listen to the radio, you've heard my style." First of all, on the rare occasion I do listen to the radio, I know for a fact, I haven't heard your style, well not since the first music files were on computers. Secondly, you sound like shit! Yeah... I've heard MIDI files sound better. So, I denied him. But not just cuz it sounded bad, but cuz he referenced the radio like he did. That's not to say the radio is bad, however, the commercialization of music has made much of it lose something. I'm so glad that Radiohead doesn't get the radio play that some think they deserve. I'll agree, everyone should listen to Radiohead, but with that type of hype, certain things are expected of you and they are not good. I like Radiohead, and all the others I listen to, just the way they are.

And by popular request, here is a quick list of some of the artist that are on my iPod. Check them out and if you have a suggestion for something new I might like, please leave me a comment!

Sage Francis

Soundgarden

Alice in Chains

Doomtree

Lyrics Born

Type O Negative

Horrorpops

Atmosphere

Aceyalone

Murs

Aesop Rock

Static X

System of a Down

Buck 65

Tool

Johnny Cash

Nine Inch Nails

Anjulie

Audioslave

Bad Acid Trip

Gorillaz

Beyonce (*snicker*)

Bjork

Tricky

PJ Harvey

Massive Attack

Portishead

Blackalicious

Bloodhound Gang

Qwel

Blue October

Bush

Busdriver

Saul Williams

Non-prophets

Cake

Collective Soul

The Cure

The Cult

Guns N Roses

Stone Roses

Flobots

Gift of Gab

Incubus

Korn

Marilyn Manson

Lacuna Coil

Live

Machine Head

Subtle

Doseone

Pantera

Pharcyde

Pink

Prodigy

Radiohead

The Roots

Seven Dust

Slipknot

Anticon

Sneakerpimps

Soul Coughing

Eels

Spacehog

Tears for Fears

Toad the Wet Sprocket

Tori Amos

Ani DiFranco

A Tribe Called Quest

Typical Cats

Visionaries

Living Legends

2Mex

Awol One

311

All American Rejects

B. Dolan

Dead Milkmen

Lords of Acid

This is not everything, but a lot of it. Check it out, make some recommendations. I like all kinds, even weird stuff like Ween (those guys are hilarious!).

Shootin Stars

I can't sleep

Once again

Insomnia

Homework

Stress

Whatever the reason

I step out

Barefoot

Dew on the ground

I stand in the yard

Staring at the sky

Curled in my jacket

The wind is cool

But not actually cold

I just like how the fleece

Feels wrapped around me

And I locate stars I know

But the city lights

Even at 4 am

Have overwhelmed

All but the brightest

Venus

Mercury

Orion

The Moon

And along the Belt's arc

A thin line of brillance

Archs

Orange

White in the center

And as soon as it showed

It fades into the lights

A shooting star

The second in so many weeks

And I make my same wish

One that I know will come true

I wish for this

So instead of a dream

It becomes fact

How many more shootin stars

Will I see

Before it becomes reality?

Enough to ensure

Dreams become reality