My Love Story

Ok, so it's been asked of me late how I met my army guy. I am also dealing with some people who aren't too happy with the fact I finally completely ended things with my off and on boyfriend of the last 3 years. So here the story of how me and the army guy, who I'll call B for ease, met and fell in love. Do note that all that is recalled is my recollection and can be slightly off. I'm sure B'll correct me, lol.

My junior year of high school was a weird one. That was the year that the Arlington school district decided it was time to move the freshmen into the high schools. The first day of class was really interesting since there were new "freaks" for my friends to hang out with. The school was on an "A Day/B Day" system, and so the second day of class I went to photography for the first time. I don't remember that first day of class very well, but I remember even in the first half of the school year this kid who sat at my table. He hung out with this guy I'd known since elementary school. I talked a lot and made conversation with both and soon I had the kid following me around. The kid was B. He told me he was from Alaska and that us Texans were a weird lot and I had to educate him on how Texas really was by kicking him incessantly in the shins. Apparently to this day there are spots on his legs that do not grow hair.

As the school year went on, the weather got cooler. Not cold, but cooler, and I began to drink coffee every day and he began to drink my coffee. We now debate on his motives for this, but it was probably a combination of living with his Mormon sister and the fact he was in love with me. I even would tell him in class he was in love with me. I would actually tease him about this. In addition, he listened to all my boy troubles and my "escapades" that seemed to happen more frequently than reality deemed due to my tendency to tell the same story over and over.

That school year soon ended and over that summer I enlisted in the Army. When school started, he was once again in my photography class where we pestered each other. I didn't do anything exciting over summer break other than enlist in the army, and I'm sure that is all I talked about, well that and feminism and witchcraft. After I graduated, I shipped off to basic training. If you've read my previous blogs, you know that I got hurt there. The part of that story not included is as follows. When I got hurt they let me go home for what was called "con-leave." I came home, and somehow I ran into B and we ended up spending lots of time together and dated. We went to Homecoming and hung at a friend's house. We held hands and that was it. We really did like each other. But when I got back to base, something in my mind changed and I called him in late October to break things off. Every time I called he would change the subject, "lose the call" or some other excuse not to hear what I was saying. When I finally came home, as my previous blog points out, my bff at the time came over with her boyfriend and his brother. That night I cheated on B.

The fact that I did that is inexcusable in a way as I should have had better control over myself, but in my own defense, and he's even stated I did this, I repeatedly tried to break up with him before it happened to no avail. Needless to say, after all was said in done, it was bad. I called our mutual friend Ugh (yeah that's really what we called him, and is NOT his real name) and talked to him about it, swearing him to secrecy because I, not anyone else, needed to tell him. But what does Ugh do, he's talking to a friend of ours at school and the friend asks him something in the regards to repeat himself and he repeats it loudly, B being in earshot hearing all.

Ugh brought B to my house and mouthed "he knows" that afternoon. I talked to B, but he was pretty upset, as he had the right to be. I mean, I still beat myself up over the whole deal, though I would never go back and change what happened. My time with Gary is precious to me and helped in shaping me. However, if I could take away the pain I caused B, I would. B paced in front of my house until Ugh came back with a little pocket knife in his hand, flipping it open and closed, looking at me in just such a way that part of me was afraid but the other part of me knew nothing was going to happen, he was just that hurt. I was his first girlfriend and I cheated on him.

I heard from him once or twice after that. But we really didn't get back to talking until around late 2003. I really can't say for sure exactly when we started talking again, I know it was after the craziest of my crazy ex's and I broke up which was in 2003. In 2004, he came to visit me. That was nice. We talked about what happened in 1999 and how he grew from that and how I had grown from it. He even mentioned how he knew how much Gary meant to me and that he was sorry for my loss, no one should leave this world like that. During that visit, we shared our first kiss. He says we kissed several times on that trip, but I remember one, and it was during Stephen King's latest tv thing about that hospital. It was so bad I can't even remember the name of the show. But that kiss! It was the sweetest kiss ever.

Before he left, we talked about him moving down here. He could live with me, we may even try to see if it could work between us. I was excited. He left and a week went by. I hadn't heard from him. A month turned to 3, turned to 6, turned to a year. I sent a few emails expressing my rage and how he was probably doing to me like all these other guys I had been dating at the time had done, never talk to me after an intimate moment. When I finally heard from him, I was mad at myself for possible meanness I sent in my emails. The quote below was the first email he sent me in 2005, the subject line read "To my Love, Lost or otherwise".

"Dear Joy,
Time blinks by in an instant or a year, who we are and who we were change, solidify, and change again before we can register what is what. Sometimes what we know is lost before it was ever real, sometimes it was a dream and never touched reality at all. A greedy mans fortune I would give to know the truth, to feel the truth. Not meant for me I guess, though not for you either, a flicker of love besides a funeral pyre goes unnoticed. Buried beneath regret and pain, good intentions are seldom that good. When faced with what we want at a unreachable price, do we surrender or want in vain? I know not the answers to these questions, though they haunt my dreams now and evermore. Does my memory match your ghost? Or am I but a shade beside your true love? Cold embraced me, trust left me, and still your face haunted me, one among billions, and still I was not alone, still I could not rest in icy peace. Thy insanity enthralls me and mine own lucidity deserts me, how I wish I was stronger and your unknowing caress weaker. Were you to walk barefoot into Hell, I would be compelled to follow. Though a weak year has passed, I think of you still. Whatever the consequence, I Love You still.

B"

When I checked my email and read that... I swoon a bit reading it still to this day! He followed this email with the tale of what happened when he returned home and it was a sad story. I found out in emails that followed that even his dad had told him to stay here and not go home to Alaska, but he did for his word. He was in Colorado by this point and we talked. We talked, through my boyfriend of the last three years, his girlfriend(s) (I didn't want to think too much of them) and advised each other in all things: love, friends, family, life. Then one day I talked to him, much to the writhing anger of my boyfriend at the time, and he told me he had joined the Army. Most of our conversations by this point were on the phone. Thank God for unlimited long distance! When he told me he joined the Army, I about freaked. I made sure to sound happy on the phone, but I was scared for him. I still am, to be perfectly honest. I gave him my 2 cents about basic and eventually, before he shipped off, he gave me his sister's email address so I could get his address from her.

B always made it clear he didn't like my last boyfriend. He, like all my friends, pointed out the fact that my ex hated me talking to my friends, but mostly my guy friends. B isn't my only guy friend and I think a couple of mine have decided never to speak to me again after me going back to my ex the last time. I don't blame them. My friends have always told me the thing they admired about me most was my strength, and my returning to an emotionally abusive relationship was so opposed to everything I said and did to that point... B stuck by me as a friend, but for the first time, made comments of what he would do if I were his.

So now here we are. He's in the Army, I'm a civilian, yet the shoe really isn't on the other foot. We're both 12 years older and wiser. I keep thinking to myself why I didn't pursue this sooner, but then, everything happens for a reason and I'm not going to question God's actions in this. I know that this is the right move on my part.

He asked me tonight again if I wanted to marry him. I said yes. He then he told me "You know that it'll be difficult being an Army wife sometimes. That I won't always be there to take care of you like I want to?" I told him, yes, I know what I'm signing up for, as it were. And yes, I know what I'm signing up for. I know that when he ships off to Afghanistan in June, I'm going to be alone for a year. I know this, I accept it. If marrying my best friend of the last 12 years, who's stuck by my side despite me putting them through hell in the beginning, is how I can serve my country and be happy as ever, then so be it. The slight discomfort while he is away will be worth it when he is home.

Weird Nights Will Only Get Weirder

As the count down to the end of the semester and the inevitable talk continue, things are getting weird around my boyfriend's apartment. The cat tonight thought it was cool to run around for almost the entire night like a crazed fool, stomping on my foot a couple of times. You would think an 7.5 lb cat wouldn't hurt running over your foot, but it does at Mach 5 speeds, trust me. The bf was in a weird mood and played his game all night as I sat on the couch, lonely, well sort of. I was chatting online with my multitude of wonderful friends, both in the real world and in the virtual world. I was also texting B (if you read my WordPress blog, you know who I'm talking about). Anyways, I was looking at a couple of pics from back when we dated briefly when I was in the Army and then the one from when he came to see me, and specifically me, for his 21st birthday. That was a surprise for sure. You know that day was the first time we ever kissed and we'd already known each other for 7 years? That's just crazy. I also can't believe what I'm sharing with all of you. I'm not posting this link for the masses, just my regular readers will see this.

Back to the pics and my thoughts... So I was looking at the pics, along with others from school and my party days, and started remembering that one night. B had come over and we just sat around watching crappy prime time television and talking. As the night progressed, the sitting got closer and before long, a sweet kiss was shared... So as I lay in my twin size bed, at my mom's after a "rousing" night of sitting on my boyfriend's couch trying to amuse myself while he played his stupid game, I got to thinking. I even wrote up a list of topics to talk with him about when we have the talk. I think it's only fair to see where he stands before I just cut things off. I know, though, what his answers will be and expect that the conversation will be the end of the relationship for once and all. No, I'm not going to immediately "hook up" with B. I plan on making sure that we're just as close as we were before and then on top of that I need to get my stupid head on straight. I just can't tell my bf "Hey, I don't things are going anywhere so I'll see you around." That's rude, plus we have 3+ yrs together. I'm just tired of competing with video games and not being "available" enough, what ever the fuck that means. Lord knows if I went 2 hours without texting him, I would be up to no good. He can do it, no problem, though I know he's probably just playing his game or at work. Ugh!

Sorry I'm being so whiny guys. I appreciate everyone's input and honesty. I just need you guys to remind me that I need to have this conversation with my boyfriend and stick to my guns. When it does end, I need you guys to remind me why I left and why it will NEVER work. I now know who my real friends are, and know that you guys won't be telling me later that I'm "disloyal" (what ever that means).

My Michael Memories

If you've read any of my prior blogs, you will know that my biological father was no where near "Father of the Year." Actually he was far from it, however I do have fond memories of my father and me, most of them while listening to Michael Jackson.

When I was a little girl, we lived in a trailer park in a small town. My mom gave me a transistor radio and I would listen to it for hours. I would sleep with it on under my pillow. The memories of the music in my dreams! Well, I recall mom listening to oldies and dad listening to pop and rock. Mom also worked nights, so when dad was home with my baby sister and I, we'd listen to the radio or go for a drive with the radio blasting. The best times were Thursdays as the local Kiss station would have "Thriller Thursdays" and play nothing but Michael for an hour straight. We'd sing along to the songs and everyone was happy.

I remember also getting to watch MTV for the first time at a baby sitter's house with her older daughter and trying to replicate Michael's dance moves. The daughter would laugh at me as I was always trying to dance like the people in the music videos. I thought I was a dancer back then. "We Are the World" was one of those songs that opened up my eyes to issues outside of my own life or the US and Europe.

I think it takes a special artist to reach into so many lives and make so many happy memories for them. Thank you Michael for giving us your music.

Intuition or Fear?

My intuition has successfully predicted events outside of myself on many occasions. I will not list two of the main events, due to internet monitoring that Baby Bush put into effect, but the intuition has always been true for my personal life as well... to a point. By that I mean that I can never tell if that gut feeling that a relationship is on the rocks or that something really awesome is about to happen to me is true intuition or fear or wishful thinking.

There may be some reason for this. First, I have an overactive imagination and can dream up every possible bad thing that can happen due to one action by myself. Yeah, I'm the person visualizing a car screeching through the light as my signal turns from red to green and I enter the intersection, smashing me into the passenger seat, severing my spinal chord... Well, you get the picture. These visions do not have any relevance or truth, however, they take from the validity of true visions. I get confused as to which is true and which is just my overactive imagination.

This brings us to why I even am writing this blog. I keep getting this feeling about my relationship with my boyfriend. You know, who is to say it's not valid. We've had an interesting, if not rough at times, run. But then it could be that I'm fearful of losing this pretty wonderful man. See, there is honestly no way for me to know if it is fear or intuition! I can't trust other people's opinions on this as said opinion is shaded by their on biases as to what they think would be best or what I want to hear.

Maybe this vagueness in my visions and intuitions is for my own good then? Now I can't know exactly what's going to happen.

What to Do?

I've always done what I think I need to do, no matter the cost. That is, unless the costs are love. I've been asking my long time boyfriend for the extent of our relationship, 3+ years, if he would go with me to X place. His answer, even today, is no. Usually the response would be because he didn't think the instability of our relationship wasn't worth the cost of moving. Now his excuse is worse. He told me that he can not chance not finding a job there!

It's freaking Austin! I know for a fact, he could easily find a job there! I just want the security that he would go with me. I doubt I would even get accepted into their graduate program, even with my unusual interest that will probably be my guarantee that I get in. I'm so confused. Blame this blog post on the Hydrocodone.

Kali's Story (Not the official title!)

“Master of puppets I’m pulling your strings, something, something… Oh shit!”
Kali pulled the steering wheel of her sports car hard to the right and slammed on the brakes. She shoved the car in park, killed the engine, and got out of the car. “What the hell dude? I almost hit you.” Her voice squeaked.
“You really need to chill,” a voice from the front of the silver two-door car, said.
“Chill? You just ran out in front of my fucking car! I could have killed you.” Kali’s voice began to regain strength.
“Well, if you wouldn’t ignore me, I wouldn’t stoop to such measures.”
Kali stepped around her door and looked down on the individual speaking. A large brown and grey jack rabbit with short ears that appeared to have been eaten at stood looking up at her. Smoothing her long bangs back to their place behind her ear, Kali said, “Shit Samuel, I’ve got other shit to do then answer your every call.”
“You know I only call if it’s important. Besides, Diane received the email we’ve been expecting and you haven’t responded to her either.” Samuel was sitting on his hindquarters straightening his fur as he spoke.
“I didn’t get a call from her.” Kali’s eyes darted across the street.
“Yes you have. You’re the worse liar I’ve ever met. Listen; meet me at Diane’s tomorrow, or else…”
“Or else what? I end up with a fate worse than those I put away?” Kali’s eyes rolled up.
“Be there,” Samuel warned as he hopped across the road, shifting from rabbit to cat.
“Damn Lepun!” Kali got back into her car, cranked up her Metallica CD and sped off.
“What was I even doing this road?” She asked herself as she noticed she was far from her normal hangouts. The road was at least ten miles outside of town, nearing the outskirts of Mansfield even. She busted a u-turn and headed back to town.

Kali could not help that Samuel showed up tonight. He actually had been showing up a lot lately. Her family thought he was just friendly stray cat but he was a nuisance. His presence always meant Kali had work to do that only Diane and Niamh would understand. They were there when she got this stupid job. She put away the bad guys. Niamh nicknamed her “God Spawn” because of her prior obsession with the Spawn series on HBO.
Now those days were long passed. The glory was gone. Now it felt like any other job, tedious, interfering with other wants, like to sit on a beach and it not be to watch for sharks. She luckily finished her bachelor’s degree before all this came crashing down on her.
Kali maneuvered her car into the parking lot of the Waffle House. A tall blond man sat in the booth in the corner. His wire-framed glasses kept slipping down his nose.
“Over here!” He exclaimed upon noticing her walk in the door.
He looked at Kali as she moseyed over. Her 5’4” frame was all torso it seemed; breasts, waist, hips. She had legs, but they were nothing compared with the rest! Kali was “thick,” as his friends said, but she had a perfect hourglass shape. Well… her boobs could be bigger, but that brain of hers made up for it.
“Hey Myth! How’s it going?”
“Heard you got a bit lost this evening.” Myth’s grin was more shit eating than not.
“Shut up. What did he tell you?”
“What you havin’ hun?” An older woman with permed hair and too much perfume and make-up asked.
“Coffee, black, and a waffle.” Kali sipped on the water Myth had passed her prior to the waitress’s appearance.
The waitress walked off, occasionally looking back at the two who showed up in that booth periodically.
“Not much, just we might have a lead on Mr. Carter, as Samuel calls him. I prefer ‘dumbass.’” Myth said.
“I prefer ‘douche.’”
Kali snickered as her coffee arrived.
“Whatever dude. All I know now is things are getting nuts. Will you be coming by later?” Myth’s face lit up.
“I don’t know… hmmm” Kali grinned.
Diane walked into the Waffle House. “Hey!”
Diane’s blond hair was to her waist. She was built like a short opera singer but walked in her pink stilettos like a runway model. The waitress rolled her eyes as Diane walked to the booth.
“Seriously, why is it always booth 13? You guys are so weird!” Diane flipped her hair over her shoulder.
“Says the woman who tracks squirrel for me!” Kali joked.
Diane and Kali met at the University of Texas – Arlington in a German class. “Finkst dien en Knie!” Diane shouted and the entire restaurant turned and stared.
“That’s my job!” Kali replied. “Where’s Niamh?”i
“Ich weise nicht.”
“Shieβe!”
“Enough of the German guys!” Myth knew Spanish, not German.
“Ich habe durchfall!” Kali and Diane shouted simultaneously.
“Lawdy!” Myth could not believe these two!

The food finally arrived and no business was discussed. The group decided they would meet up at Myth’s place for that. Myth’s place was not too far from the Waffle House. His apartment was about 3-4 miles north of the restaurant near River Legacy Park in North Arlington. The group paid their tabs and drove in convoy formation to Myth’s pad, Myth in the lead in his blue sedan, followed by Diane in a maroon BMW, then Kali in her silver Acura Integra. A person on the sidewalk would hear something like “I’m different, random, puppets” as they passed by, with music blasting loudly, all three with their windows down on the temperate evening.
Myth made a sharp left on Green Oaks and Diane and Kali followed suit, Kali being the most cautious of the three. They quickly turned into a poorly lit parking area in a nicer apartment complex with lots of trees and animal sounds coming from the park near the complex. Myth parked in a covered parking area directly in front of his apartment, the girls parked nearby in unmarked parking spots, making sure to lock their cars and secure any valuables. They marched single file up to his third floor apartment. Myth opened the door to a sweet “meow” of a small black cat with a pink sparkly collar.
“Well hello Spit!” Myth said.
“Look who’s up to greet us!” Diane exclaimed.
“I see.” Kali rolled her eyes. As much as she loved the cat, and honestly could not live without her, she sometimes tired of Diane’s enthusiasm.
The trio walked in, making sure not to let the little black cat out the door. As they walked through the door and through the front hall, they passed a Van Gogh print of “Starry Night” and an ancient mirror discolored with age. As they entered the living room, Diane was in awe of Myth’s latest creation. He regularly covered a wall in a large canvas and painted it with a mixture of spray paint and tempra paint. This time it was a street tag of the word “mYth” (as he liked to write it) barely legible unless you knew his style of tagging. It was in shades of blue and yellow. Across from the tagged wall was a print of Homer Simpson as “The Scream.” On an adjacent wall was a poster with the London Underground symbol above the patio door. At an odd angle next to the patio door’s wall, was the fireplace with a movie poster for Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas above it, perfectly centered and level.

I'm Not Greedy

I normally do not have issue with helping people out. However, when I'm down to using my change because I have no funds in the bank and thus down to my last few dollars of change, I can't afford to help anyone. I can barely afford to feed myself! So when my brother-in-law's grandmother passed away, they had to go out of town and needed someone to dog-sit. After the last time I dog sat, with no real expectation of compensation but hoping that they would since that is the normal and nice and generous thing to do, I told my sister I would not do anything for them for free again. My sister called me up this weekend and said they were going to have to go out of town soon, not sure when, but someone would need to watch Shamus and possibly my niece. Well Monday night she called me and said that the grandmother had passed and that they would be leaving Tuesday that I needed to come by and get the key. Mind you my sister lives about 10 minutes south of my boyfriend but pretty much across town from my mom, who I live with. So when my sister calls me I tell her I'll have to get the key after class and she invites me to have a beer with them. I deny the beer as I had plans with my boyfriend that evening. She then told me I would not be doing this for free (again reinstating what she said when she first called me). Well, I drive out of my way to get the key, then go see my bf. Then I have to use more gas cuz her apartment is further from UTA and my job (which is just 5 minutes from UTA) so I have to put more gas in my car than I normally would. I informed my sister of this situation and that I would have to stay at her place while they were away to save gas and insure that the dog got walked the appropriate amount of times a day. She was fine with this. My staying there does not constitute paying me. It was so that I didn't have to use anymore gas than was necessary. I don't mind watching Shamus, he's a good dog and fun to be around, but I just can't afford gas, food, drink, and smokes and look after him, even w/ staying at her house.
Well my sister, brother-in-law, and niece came back this evening, insisting on my meeting with them to give them the key as soon as they got in. Well the problem with that was they didn't know exactly when they were going to get to the apartment and if I went to my boyfriend's I wouldn't leave there till near 11. So I had to change my plans so I could give them their key (which is understandable to an extent). I get there and they do not arrive for at least another hour if not longer, well it was almost 10 when they got in and I didn't bring up money. I listened to their tales of their trip and talked with them. Finally around 11 I pointed out, trying to be discreet about it, that I only had $2.05 to make it til Monday and there was a good chance that I would need gas again before the weekend was up. I'm not going to come out and demand payment. Well needless to say my sister's eventual response was "I'll check my bank account tomorrow and see if I can help you out." Help me out! You said you were going to pay me for this!

When I ask someone to help me out I give them something as a thank you. Whether it's helping me clean my room and thus giving them things of mine that they fancied or giving them cash, I compensate them and thank them for their time. I do not ask to do the same when I help them out, however I have this naive notion that people show their thanks, either in doing something for you in return or through some means of payment (putting gas in your car for giving them a lift, buying you dinner after you helped them with some project, compensating your gas when you drive out of your way to help them, etc). I don't expect people to do like I do, but I hope they will since it's thing called "common courtesy!" However, if the individual says "I'll pay you" that means that should do just that once my services have been rendered. However, if you don't pay me like you say and then tell me you will see if you can "help me out" you are a liar and should never expect me to help you ever again.

Seriously sis, never ask me to help you again! You said you were going to give me some cash, I haven't been stressing about money because I knew you were going to give me money. $10 would be just enough to get me through Monday. $10 doesn't even get 4 gallons of gas so it's not really alot. I know you have a family to take care of, but don't brag that you have $100 left over from your trip then tell me you will have to check to see if you can "help me out." I helped YOU out and you said you would pay me! I wouldn't be this upset if you wouldn't have said you would pay me, I'd be upset, but not raging mad where I want to cry and/or beat your face. I think that if someone helps you out you compensate them in some way, either monetarily or through some food, gas, etc that will benefit them the way you benefited from them.

Ok, I can feel I'm fixing to go off topic. Good night all!