My intuition has successfully predicted events outside of myself on many occasions. I will not list two of the main events, due to internet monitoring that Baby Bush put into effect, but the intuition has always been true for my personal life as well... to a point. By that I mean that I can never tell if that gut feeling that a relationship is on the rocks or that something really awesome is about to happen to me is true intuition or fear or wishful thinking.
There may be some reason for this. First, I have an overactive imagination and can dream up every possible bad thing that can happen due to one action by myself. Yeah, I'm the person visualizing a car screeching through the light as my signal turns from red to green and I enter the intersection, smashing me into the passenger seat, severing my spinal chord... Well, you get the picture. These visions do not have any relevance or truth, however, they take from the validity of true visions. I get confused as to which is true and which is just my overactive imagination.
This brings us to why I even am writing this blog. I keep getting this feeling about my relationship with my boyfriend. You know, who is to say it's not valid. We've had an interesting, if not rough at times, run. But then it could be that I'm fearful of losing this pretty wonderful man. See, there is honestly no way for me to know if it is fear or intuition! I can't trust other people's opinions on this as said opinion is shaded by their on biases as to what they think would be best or what I want to hear.
Maybe this vagueness in my visions and intuitions is for my own good then? Now I can't know exactly what's going to happen.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
What to Do?
I've always done what I think I need to do, no matter the cost. That is, unless the costs are love. I've been asking my long time boyfriend for the extent of our relationship, 3+ years, if he would go with me to X place. His answer, even today, is no. Usually the response would be because he didn't think the instability of our relationship wasn't worth the cost of moving. Now his excuse is worse. He told me that he can not chance not finding a job there!
It's freaking Austin! I know for a fact, he could easily find a job there! I just want the security that he would go with me. I doubt I would even get accepted into their graduate program, even with my unusual interest that will probably be my guarantee that I get in. I'm so confused. Blame this blog post on the Hydrocodone.
It's freaking Austin! I know for a fact, he could easily find a job there! I just want the security that he would go with me. I doubt I would even get accepted into their graduate program, even with my unusual interest that will probably be my guarantee that I get in. I'm so confused. Blame this blog post on the Hydrocodone.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Kali's Story (Not the official title!)
“Master of puppets I’m pulling your strings, something, something… Oh shit!”
Kali pulled the steering wheel of her sports car hard to the right and slammed on the brakes. She shoved the car in park, killed the engine, and got out of the car. “What the hell dude? I almost hit you.” Her voice squeaked.
“You really need to chill,” a voice from the front of the silver two-door car, said.
“Chill? You just ran out in front of my fucking car! I could have killed you.” Kali’s voice began to regain strength.
“Well, if you wouldn’t ignore me, I wouldn’t stoop to such measures.”
Kali stepped around her door and looked down on the individual speaking. A large brown and grey jack rabbit with short ears that appeared to have been eaten at stood looking up at her. Smoothing her long bangs back to their place behind her ear, Kali said, “Shit Samuel, I’ve got other shit to do then answer your every call.”
“You know I only call if it’s important. Besides, Diane received the email we’ve been expecting and you haven’t responded to her either.” Samuel was sitting on his hindquarters straightening his fur as he spoke.
“I didn’t get a call from her.” Kali’s eyes darted across the street.
“Yes you have. You’re the worse liar I’ve ever met. Listen; meet me at Diane’s tomorrow, or else…”
“Or else what? I end up with a fate worse than those I put away?” Kali’s eyes rolled up.
“Be there,” Samuel warned as he hopped across the road, shifting from rabbit to cat.
“Damn Lepun!” Kali got back into her car, cranked up her Metallica CD and sped off.
“What was I even doing this road?” She asked herself as she noticed she was far from her normal hangouts. The road was at least ten miles outside of town, nearing the outskirts of Mansfield even. She busted a u-turn and headed back to town.
Kali could not help that Samuel showed up tonight. He actually had been showing up a lot lately. Her family thought he was just friendly stray cat but he was a nuisance. His presence always meant Kali had work to do that only Diane and Niamh would understand. They were there when she got this stupid job. She put away the bad guys. Niamh nicknamed her “God Spawn” because of her prior obsession with the Spawn series on HBO.
Now those days were long passed. The glory was gone. Now it felt like any other job, tedious, interfering with other wants, like to sit on a beach and it not be to watch for sharks. She luckily finished her bachelor’s degree before all this came crashing down on her.
Kali maneuvered her car into the parking lot of the Waffle House. A tall blond man sat in the booth in the corner. His wire-framed glasses kept slipping down his nose.
“Over here!” He exclaimed upon noticing her walk in the door.
He looked at Kali as she moseyed over. Her 5’4” frame was all torso it seemed; breasts, waist, hips. She had legs, but they were nothing compared with the rest! Kali was “thick,” as his friends said, but she had a perfect hourglass shape. Well… her boobs could be bigger, but that brain of hers made up for it.
“Hey Myth! How’s it going?”
“Heard you got a bit lost this evening.” Myth’s grin was more shit eating than not.
“Shut up. What did he tell you?”
“What you havin’ hun?” An older woman with permed hair and too much perfume and make-up asked.
“Coffee, black, and a waffle.” Kali sipped on the water Myth had passed her prior to the waitress’s appearance.
The waitress walked off, occasionally looking back at the two who showed up in that booth periodically.
“Not much, just we might have a lead on Mr. Carter, as Samuel calls him. I prefer ‘dumbass.’” Myth said.
“I prefer ‘douche.’”
Kali snickered as her coffee arrived.
“Whatever dude. All I know now is things are getting nuts. Will you be coming by later?” Myth’s face lit up.
“I don’t know… hmmm” Kali grinned.
Diane walked into the Waffle House. “Hey!”
Diane’s blond hair was to her waist. She was built like a short opera singer but walked in her pink stilettos like a runway model. The waitress rolled her eyes as Diane walked to the booth.
“Seriously, why is it always booth 13? You guys are so weird!” Diane flipped her hair over her shoulder.
“Says the woman who tracks squirrel for me!” Kali joked.
Diane and Kali met at the University of Texas – Arlington in a German class. “Finkst dien en Knie!” Diane shouted and the entire restaurant turned and stared.
“That’s my job!” Kali replied. “Where’s Niamh?”i
“Ich weise nicht.”
“Shieβe!”
“Enough of the German guys!” Myth knew Spanish, not German.
“Ich habe durchfall!” Kali and Diane shouted simultaneously.
“Lawdy!” Myth could not believe these two!
The food finally arrived and no business was discussed. The group decided they would meet up at Myth’s place for that. Myth’s place was not too far from the Waffle House. His apartment was about 3-4 miles north of the restaurant near River Legacy Park in North Arlington. The group paid their tabs and drove in convoy formation to Myth’s pad, Myth in the lead in his blue sedan, followed by Diane in a maroon BMW, then Kali in her silver Acura Integra. A person on the sidewalk would hear something like “I’m different, random, puppets” as they passed by, with music blasting loudly, all three with their windows down on the temperate evening.
Myth made a sharp left on Green Oaks and Diane and Kali followed suit, Kali being the most cautious of the three. They quickly turned into a poorly lit parking area in a nicer apartment complex with lots of trees and animal sounds coming from the park near the complex. Myth parked in a covered parking area directly in front of his apartment, the girls parked nearby in unmarked parking spots, making sure to lock their cars and secure any valuables. They marched single file up to his third floor apartment. Myth opened the door to a sweet “meow” of a small black cat with a pink sparkly collar.
“Well hello Spit!” Myth said.
“Look who’s up to greet us!” Diane exclaimed.
“I see.” Kali rolled her eyes. As much as she loved the cat, and honestly could not live without her, she sometimes tired of Diane’s enthusiasm.
The trio walked in, making sure not to let the little black cat out the door. As they walked through the door and through the front hall, they passed a Van Gogh print of “Starry Night” and an ancient mirror discolored with age. As they entered the living room, Diane was in awe of Myth’s latest creation. He regularly covered a wall in a large canvas and painted it with a mixture of spray paint and tempra paint. This time it was a street tag of the word “mYth” (as he liked to write it) barely legible unless you knew his style of tagging. It was in shades of blue and yellow. Across from the tagged wall was a print of Homer Simpson as “The Scream.” On an adjacent wall was a poster with the London Underground symbol above the patio door. At an odd angle next to the patio door’s wall, was the fireplace with a movie poster for Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas above it, perfectly centered and level.
Kali pulled the steering wheel of her sports car hard to the right and slammed on the brakes. She shoved the car in park, killed the engine, and got out of the car. “What the hell dude? I almost hit you.” Her voice squeaked.
“You really need to chill,” a voice from the front of the silver two-door car, said.
“Chill? You just ran out in front of my fucking car! I could have killed you.” Kali’s voice began to regain strength.
“Well, if you wouldn’t ignore me, I wouldn’t stoop to such measures.”
Kali stepped around her door and looked down on the individual speaking. A large brown and grey jack rabbit with short ears that appeared to have been eaten at stood looking up at her. Smoothing her long bangs back to their place behind her ear, Kali said, “Shit Samuel, I’ve got other shit to do then answer your every call.”
“You know I only call if it’s important. Besides, Diane received the email we’ve been expecting and you haven’t responded to her either.” Samuel was sitting on his hindquarters straightening his fur as he spoke.
“I didn’t get a call from her.” Kali’s eyes darted across the street.
“Yes you have. You’re the worse liar I’ve ever met. Listen; meet me at Diane’s tomorrow, or else…”
“Or else what? I end up with a fate worse than those I put away?” Kali’s eyes rolled up.
“Be there,” Samuel warned as he hopped across the road, shifting from rabbit to cat.
“Damn Lepun!” Kali got back into her car, cranked up her Metallica CD and sped off.
“What was I even doing this road?” She asked herself as she noticed she was far from her normal hangouts. The road was at least ten miles outside of town, nearing the outskirts of Mansfield even. She busted a u-turn and headed back to town.
Kali could not help that Samuel showed up tonight. He actually had been showing up a lot lately. Her family thought he was just friendly stray cat but he was a nuisance. His presence always meant Kali had work to do that only Diane and Niamh would understand. They were there when she got this stupid job. She put away the bad guys. Niamh nicknamed her “God Spawn” because of her prior obsession with the Spawn series on HBO.
Now those days were long passed. The glory was gone. Now it felt like any other job, tedious, interfering with other wants, like to sit on a beach and it not be to watch for sharks. She luckily finished her bachelor’s degree before all this came crashing down on her.
Kali maneuvered her car into the parking lot of the Waffle House. A tall blond man sat in the booth in the corner. His wire-framed glasses kept slipping down his nose.
“Over here!” He exclaimed upon noticing her walk in the door.
He looked at Kali as she moseyed over. Her 5’4” frame was all torso it seemed; breasts, waist, hips. She had legs, but they were nothing compared with the rest! Kali was “thick,” as his friends said, but she had a perfect hourglass shape. Well… her boobs could be bigger, but that brain of hers made up for it.
“Hey Myth! How’s it going?”
“Heard you got a bit lost this evening.” Myth’s grin was more shit eating than not.
“Shut up. What did he tell you?”
“What you havin’ hun?” An older woman with permed hair and too much perfume and make-up asked.
“Coffee, black, and a waffle.” Kali sipped on the water Myth had passed her prior to the waitress’s appearance.
The waitress walked off, occasionally looking back at the two who showed up in that booth periodically.
“Not much, just we might have a lead on Mr. Carter, as Samuel calls him. I prefer ‘dumbass.’” Myth said.
“I prefer ‘douche.’”
Kali snickered as her coffee arrived.
“Whatever dude. All I know now is things are getting nuts. Will you be coming by later?” Myth’s face lit up.
“I don’t know… hmmm” Kali grinned.
Diane walked into the Waffle House. “Hey!”
Diane’s blond hair was to her waist. She was built like a short opera singer but walked in her pink stilettos like a runway model. The waitress rolled her eyes as Diane walked to the booth.
“Seriously, why is it always booth 13? You guys are so weird!” Diane flipped her hair over her shoulder.
“Says the woman who tracks squirrel for me!” Kali joked.
Diane and Kali met at the University of Texas – Arlington in a German class. “Finkst dien en Knie!” Diane shouted and the entire restaurant turned and stared.
“That’s my job!” Kali replied. “Where’s Niamh?”i
“Ich weise nicht.”
“Shieβe!”
“Enough of the German guys!” Myth knew Spanish, not German.
“Ich habe durchfall!” Kali and Diane shouted simultaneously.
“Lawdy!” Myth could not believe these two!
The food finally arrived and no business was discussed. The group decided they would meet up at Myth’s place for that. Myth’s place was not too far from the Waffle House. His apartment was about 3-4 miles north of the restaurant near River Legacy Park in North Arlington. The group paid their tabs and drove in convoy formation to Myth’s pad, Myth in the lead in his blue sedan, followed by Diane in a maroon BMW, then Kali in her silver Acura Integra. A person on the sidewalk would hear something like “I’m different, random, puppets” as they passed by, with music blasting loudly, all three with their windows down on the temperate evening.
Myth made a sharp left on Green Oaks and Diane and Kali followed suit, Kali being the most cautious of the three. They quickly turned into a poorly lit parking area in a nicer apartment complex with lots of trees and animal sounds coming from the park near the complex. Myth parked in a covered parking area directly in front of his apartment, the girls parked nearby in unmarked parking spots, making sure to lock their cars and secure any valuables. They marched single file up to his third floor apartment. Myth opened the door to a sweet “meow” of a small black cat with a pink sparkly collar.
“Well hello Spit!” Myth said.
“Look who’s up to greet us!” Diane exclaimed.
“I see.” Kali rolled her eyes. As much as she loved the cat, and honestly could not live without her, she sometimes tired of Diane’s enthusiasm.
The trio walked in, making sure not to let the little black cat out the door. As they walked through the door and through the front hall, they passed a Van Gogh print of “Starry Night” and an ancient mirror discolored with age. As they entered the living room, Diane was in awe of Myth’s latest creation. He regularly covered a wall in a large canvas and painted it with a mixture of spray paint and tempra paint. This time it was a street tag of the word “mYth” (as he liked to write it) barely legible unless you knew his style of tagging. It was in shades of blue and yellow. Across from the tagged wall was a print of Homer Simpson as “The Scream.” On an adjacent wall was a poster with the London Underground symbol above the patio door. At an odd angle next to the patio door’s wall, was the fireplace with a movie poster for Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas above it, perfectly centered and level.
Friday, June 12, 2009
I'm Not Greedy
I normally do not have issue with helping people out. However, when I'm down to using my change because I have no funds in the bank and thus down to my last few dollars of change, I can't afford to help anyone. I can barely afford to feed myself! So when my brother-in-law's grandmother passed away, they had to go out of town and needed someone to dog-sit. After the last time I dog sat, with no real expectation of compensation but hoping that they would since that is the normal and nice and generous thing to do, I told my sister I would not do anything for them for free again. My sister called me up this weekend and said they were going to have to go out of town soon, not sure when, but someone would need to watch Shamus and possibly my niece. Well Monday night she called me and said that the grandmother had passed and that they would be leaving Tuesday that I needed to come by and get the key. Mind you my sister lives about 10 minutes south of my boyfriend but pretty much across town from my mom, who I live with. So when my sister calls me I tell her I'll have to get the key after class and she invites me to have a beer with them. I deny the beer as I had plans with my boyfriend that evening. She then told me I would not be doing this for free (again reinstating what she said when she first called me). Well, I drive out of my way to get the key, then go see my bf. Then I have to use more gas cuz her apartment is further from UTA and my job (which is just 5 minutes from UTA) so I have to put more gas in my car than I normally would. I informed my sister of this situation and that I would have to stay at her place while they were away to save gas and insure that the dog got walked the appropriate amount of times a day. She was fine with this. My staying there does not constitute paying me. It was so that I didn't have to use anymore gas than was necessary. I don't mind watching Shamus, he's a good dog and fun to be around, but I just can't afford gas, food, drink, and smokes and look after him, even w/ staying at her house.
Well my sister, brother-in-law, and niece came back this evening, insisting on my meeting with them to give them the key as soon as they got in. Well the problem with that was they didn't know exactly when they were going to get to the apartment and if I went to my boyfriend's I wouldn't leave there till near 11. So I had to change my plans so I could give them their key (which is understandable to an extent). I get there and they do not arrive for at least another hour if not longer, well it was almost 10 when they got in and I didn't bring up money. I listened to their tales of their trip and talked with them. Finally around 11 I pointed out, trying to be discreet about it, that I only had $2.05 to make it til Monday and there was a good chance that I would need gas again before the weekend was up. I'm not going to come out and demand payment. Well needless to say my sister's eventual response was "I'll check my bank account tomorrow and see if I can help you out." Help me out! You said you were going to pay me for this!
When I ask someone to help me out I give them something as a thank you. Whether it's helping me clean my room and thus giving them things of mine that they fancied or giving them cash, I compensate them and thank them for their time. I do not ask to do the same when I help them out, however I have this naive notion that people show their thanks, either in doing something for you in return or through some means of payment (putting gas in your car for giving them a lift, buying you dinner after you helped them with some project, compensating your gas when you drive out of your way to help them, etc). I don't expect people to do like I do, but I hope they will since it's thing called "common courtesy!" However, if the individual says "I'll pay you" that means that should do just that once my services have been rendered. However, if you don't pay me like you say and then tell me you will see if you can "help me out" you are a liar and should never expect me to help you ever again.
Seriously sis, never ask me to help you again! You said you were going to give me some cash, I haven't been stressing about money because I knew you were going to give me money. $10 would be just enough to get me through Monday. $10 doesn't even get 4 gallons of gas so it's not really alot. I know you have a family to take care of, but don't brag that you have $100 left over from your trip then tell me you will have to check to see if you can "help me out." I helped YOU out and you said you would pay me! I wouldn't be this upset if you wouldn't have said you would pay me, I'd be upset, but not raging mad where I want to cry and/or beat your face. I think that if someone helps you out you compensate them in some way, either monetarily or through some food, gas, etc that will benefit them the way you benefited from them.
Ok, I can feel I'm fixing to go off topic. Good night all!
Well my sister, brother-in-law, and niece came back this evening, insisting on my meeting with them to give them the key as soon as they got in. Well the problem with that was they didn't know exactly when they were going to get to the apartment and if I went to my boyfriend's I wouldn't leave there till near 11. So I had to change my plans so I could give them their key (which is understandable to an extent). I get there and they do not arrive for at least another hour if not longer, well it was almost 10 when they got in and I didn't bring up money. I listened to their tales of their trip and talked with them. Finally around 11 I pointed out, trying to be discreet about it, that I only had $2.05 to make it til Monday and there was a good chance that I would need gas again before the weekend was up. I'm not going to come out and demand payment. Well needless to say my sister's eventual response was "I'll check my bank account tomorrow and see if I can help you out." Help me out! You said you were going to pay me for this!
When I ask someone to help me out I give them something as a thank you. Whether it's helping me clean my room and thus giving them things of mine that they fancied or giving them cash, I compensate them and thank them for their time. I do not ask to do the same when I help them out, however I have this naive notion that people show their thanks, either in doing something for you in return or through some means of payment (putting gas in your car for giving them a lift, buying you dinner after you helped them with some project, compensating your gas when you drive out of your way to help them, etc). I don't expect people to do like I do, but I hope they will since it's thing called "common courtesy!" However, if the individual says "I'll pay you" that means that should do just that once my services have been rendered. However, if you don't pay me like you say and then tell me you will see if you can "help me out" you are a liar and should never expect me to help you ever again.
Seriously sis, never ask me to help you again! You said you were going to give me some cash, I haven't been stressing about money because I knew you were going to give me money. $10 would be just enough to get me through Monday. $10 doesn't even get 4 gallons of gas so it's not really alot. I know you have a family to take care of, but don't brag that you have $100 left over from your trip then tell me you will have to check to see if you can "help me out." I helped YOU out and you said you would pay me! I wouldn't be this upset if you wouldn't have said you would pay me, I'd be upset, but not raging mad where I want to cry and/or beat your face. I think that if someone helps you out you compensate them in some way, either monetarily or through some food, gas, etc that will benefit them the way you benefited from them.
Ok, I can feel I'm fixing to go off topic. Good night all!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Why I Hate Weddings
I will admit that when I was a little girl, I planned my dream wedding with my baby sister. She got married yesterday to her really sweet man, Dave. Dave and my sister are going to be together forever, seriously. But the wedding, oh that horrid little event...
Let me start from the beginning. Last March my sister calls me in the middle of the night while I'm taking my buddy Matt home crying that she felt dirty. It sounded like something really, really horrible happened. I turned my car around and met her at home to find out her issue was she slept with a millionaire. Needless to say, I was pretty pissed. Two months later, she met Dave and his brother and toyed with his brother until one day her and Dave just hooked up. Next thing I know, they are talking about marriage. Then in October, Dave asked my parents for my sister's hand in marriage. That was sooooo sweet. Then my sister asked me to be a bride's maid. Her maid of honor was her best friend for the last five years. I was honored and was ready to preform all my duties as a bride's maid. Then right before Christmas, she came up to me and told me that I couldn't be a bride's maid because "Dave can't find a 2nd groom's man!" Yeah weakest excuse in the book, I know. So when I was told I can not be a bride's maid, that took me out of the bridal party and no need to contribute more than any other guest coming.
Then, the big event comes up, and I will not go into how she was going around begging people to donate to her wedding and would turn down advise from everyone. My boyfriend agreed at Christmas to come with me to the wedding, even though he knew then it was going to make him a wreck. He tried making excuses before the wedding, but did get dressed and we got to the wedding almost 30 minutes before it started. Yet that wasn't good enough for my mom. I should have been up at the church at noon helping set up the food and taking pictures and doing all this stuff I had no desire to contribute to because I had to help my boyfriend deal with an anxiety attack that started Friday night. After the reception was over, I helped pick up some, but my poor boyfriend was sitting in his car completely freaking out so I had to leave. But I did wait until after the bride and groom left.
Now my mother is blasting me on Facebook on how I will not find anyone to marry me due to the fact that I am bi-polar and not on medication.
This on top of the fact that I know why we have these stupid ceremonies... I don't do weddings
Let me start from the beginning. Last March my sister calls me in the middle of the night while I'm taking my buddy Matt home crying that she felt dirty. It sounded like something really, really horrible happened. I turned my car around and met her at home to find out her issue was she slept with a millionaire. Needless to say, I was pretty pissed. Two months later, she met Dave and his brother and toyed with his brother until one day her and Dave just hooked up. Next thing I know, they are talking about marriage. Then in October, Dave asked my parents for my sister's hand in marriage. That was sooooo sweet. Then my sister asked me to be a bride's maid. Her maid of honor was her best friend for the last five years. I was honored and was ready to preform all my duties as a bride's maid. Then right before Christmas, she came up to me and told me that I couldn't be a bride's maid because "Dave can't find a 2nd groom's man!" Yeah weakest excuse in the book, I know. So when I was told I can not be a bride's maid, that took me out of the bridal party and no need to contribute more than any other guest coming.
Then, the big event comes up, and I will not go into how she was going around begging people to donate to her wedding and would turn down advise from everyone. My boyfriend agreed at Christmas to come with me to the wedding, even though he knew then it was going to make him a wreck. He tried making excuses before the wedding, but did get dressed and we got to the wedding almost 30 minutes before it started. Yet that wasn't good enough for my mom. I should have been up at the church at noon helping set up the food and taking pictures and doing all this stuff I had no desire to contribute to because I had to help my boyfriend deal with an anxiety attack that started Friday night. After the reception was over, I helped pick up some, but my poor boyfriend was sitting in his car completely freaking out so I had to leave. But I did wait until after the bride and groom left.
Now my mother is blasting me on Facebook on how I will not find anyone to marry me due to the fact that I am bi-polar and not on medication.
This on top of the fact that I know why we have these stupid ceremonies... I don't do weddings
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Bad Experiences Are No Excuse for Bad Behavior
I do not regret things I do. I do my best to learn from my mistakes. I do not make excuses for my actions based on my "disabilities." I'm bipolar and OCD, ADD, etc. I only mention these things when absolutely when necessary, like when I have to explain, in detail, why I HAVE to have 8 hours sleep to a professor. I control my bipolar with a combination of pot, sleep, diet, and breathing exercises. Honestly, the best control for it I have is I've trained myself to analyze my emotions, i.e. why am I feeling this emotion? Is it chemically induced or a reasonable response to an event? I control my OCD barely. I just keep myself from my baser impulses (such as repeatedly washing my hands) and have divulged into probably worse ones (smoking!). I was so obsessed with obsessing as a child, I would never wash my hands, unless in the bath, in fear of washing my hands raw. I also trained myself to focus because I attended an open concept elementary school (no walls) and had to do something to learn, and I wanted to learn.
Now to the real reason for this post. My father is in prison. I say father because I call my step-dad dad also, this will keep things simple. My father is there for child molestation. He got 20 years. I was a victim, but he was never charged for that. We lived in a really small town in Parker County Texas. Mom went to the Parker County Courthouse, but they said a 3 year old was lying. He finally assaulted the wrong child in the wrong town and was arrested. I saw my dad rarely after that. He got probation originally and wasn't supposed to be around anyone under 18. He met a woman with 2 kids and proceeded to go to prison for violating his probation. He's been in prison since around 1996.
But my father wasn't the only one to abuse me in this fashion, and I will not go into all of the details, however I will share that one was an uncle and the other a family friend who later said I shouldn't have been hiding in the shed during hide and seek. Needless to say, I was called a liar a lot. Then when I was 10 (and my family had been in Arlington for a couple years), I was stalked by some pervert who would call and make lewd comments and suggestions. This man continued to call until I was almost 16! I eventually ran into him in person at my first place. I knew it was him simply by his voice! That was one of the scariest days of my life!
You add these experiences to a child who had emotional outbursts (to the point of being tested for epilepsy) and you can imagine the drama when I was 10 and what my mother had to go through (and she's crazy too!). However, I rarely shared these experiences until I was in high school.
I didn't even start telling what I went through until I had to endure the "problems" of the freshmen that were suddenly put in my high school my junior year. Prior to that year freshmen were in the junior highs in Arlington, TX. I started hearing kids whine about how their parents were still together and they were so mean because they grounded them for swearing. They would even say these types of behavior would lead to them cutting themselves. Then there were the kids who whined about their parents spanked them. Damn, my mom sent my sister and me to school with black eyes! I didn't tell anyone, I thought it was obvious where they were coming from, until a counselor told me if I stopped fighting with my sister we would stop coming to school with black eyes. Yeah, you read that right. Finally I got tired of the whines of people that didn't know what pain was and began telling people my story. This was soon followed by a long line of people telling me "You are so strong" and eventually lead to "Stop lying, you're just trying to one-up her."
Gradually, the "You're so strong" comments did grow on me and I began to play up these events of my life. I even used them to get out of the Army (not my best moment in my life, but a good blog entry for another day). Over time, I did get on the "pity me" bandwagon, but quickly got off of it when I realized I had become exactly what I hated.
The irony of this tale is that the abuses of my childhood did move into my adult life. I ended up in a very abusive relationship after Gary was murdered (see my blog on him). I think that relationship is what spurred my eating up the attention from the "You're so strong" crowd. Combine this with getting my first car at 21 and the fact my mom wouldn't let me go anywhere even as an adult (until I got the car), you get a girl who just wanted some "positive" attention.
However, I can not regret anything I have done. All my actions have made me into the individual I am today. It gets me so mad to see people depending on pills (my experience has never been good) and blame the bad experiences in their lives for every mistake they have ever made and why they live lives of lies. If a bipolar, OCD, ADD, epileptic girl can live a practically normal life (normal is so relative) than anyone can, especially without the mental health issues! All you have to do is realize that you control your reactions and you control yourself. You can not control others, you can not control the world, but you can control yourself. If you know something triggers a "disability" than stay away from it (my triggers are whiskey and malt liquor). If you know a particular activity is very calming for you and is not bad for your health, do that. Meds are not the cure all and making excuses for your behavior is worse than thinking that "lucky rabbits foot" is the reason you win or lose. Chance is up to fate and fate is not determined by us, but by God, and His will will be done!
Now to the real reason for this post. My father is in prison. I say father because I call my step-dad dad also, this will keep things simple. My father is there for child molestation. He got 20 years. I was a victim, but he was never charged for that. We lived in a really small town in Parker County Texas. Mom went to the Parker County Courthouse, but they said a 3 year old was lying. He finally assaulted the wrong child in the wrong town and was arrested. I saw my dad rarely after that. He got probation originally and wasn't supposed to be around anyone under 18. He met a woman with 2 kids and proceeded to go to prison for violating his probation. He's been in prison since around 1996.
But my father wasn't the only one to abuse me in this fashion, and I will not go into all of the details, however I will share that one was an uncle and the other a family friend who later said I shouldn't have been hiding in the shed during hide and seek. Needless to say, I was called a liar a lot. Then when I was 10 (and my family had been in Arlington for a couple years), I was stalked by some pervert who would call and make lewd comments and suggestions. This man continued to call until I was almost 16! I eventually ran into him in person at my first place. I knew it was him simply by his voice! That was one of the scariest days of my life!
You add these experiences to a child who had emotional outbursts (to the point of being tested for epilepsy) and you can imagine the drama when I was 10 and what my mother had to go through (and she's crazy too!). However, I rarely shared these experiences until I was in high school.
I didn't even start telling what I went through until I had to endure the "problems" of the freshmen that were suddenly put in my high school my junior year. Prior to that year freshmen were in the junior highs in Arlington, TX. I started hearing kids whine about how their parents were still together and they were so mean because they grounded them for swearing. They would even say these types of behavior would lead to them cutting themselves. Then there were the kids who whined about their parents spanked them. Damn, my mom sent my sister and me to school with black eyes! I didn't tell anyone, I thought it was obvious where they were coming from, until a counselor told me if I stopped fighting with my sister we would stop coming to school with black eyes. Yeah, you read that right. Finally I got tired of the whines of people that didn't know what pain was and began telling people my story. This was soon followed by a long line of people telling me "You are so strong" and eventually lead to "Stop lying, you're just trying to one-up her."
Gradually, the "You're so strong" comments did grow on me and I began to play up these events of my life. I even used them to get out of the Army (not my best moment in my life, but a good blog entry for another day). Over time, I did get on the "pity me" bandwagon, but quickly got off of it when I realized I had become exactly what I hated.
The irony of this tale is that the abuses of my childhood did move into my adult life. I ended up in a very abusive relationship after Gary was murdered (see my blog on him). I think that relationship is what spurred my eating up the attention from the "You're so strong" crowd. Combine this with getting my first car at 21 and the fact my mom wouldn't let me go anywhere even as an adult (until I got the car), you get a girl who just wanted some "positive" attention.
However, I can not regret anything I have done. All my actions have made me into the individual I am today. It gets me so mad to see people depending on pills (my experience has never been good) and blame the bad experiences in their lives for every mistake they have ever made and why they live lives of lies. If a bipolar, OCD, ADD, epileptic girl can live a practically normal life (normal is so relative) than anyone can, especially without the mental health issues! All you have to do is realize that you control your reactions and you control yourself. You can not control others, you can not control the world, but you can control yourself. If you know something triggers a "disability" than stay away from it (my triggers are whiskey and malt liquor). If you know a particular activity is very calming for you and is not bad for your health, do that. Meds are not the cure all and making excuses for your behavior is worse than thinking that "lucky rabbits foot" is the reason you win or lose. Chance is up to fate and fate is not determined by us, but by God, and His will will be done!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Top Secret: Pornography and Gender
The Question
Pornography seems to be everywhere these days, from daytime television to the internet. However, how is this infiltration into our homes affecting our lives? In addition, how does porn portray men and women? Since pornography has become more prevalent, how it portrays the sexes will have some ramifications on society. What are these ramifications, if we can tell?
To find this out I have passed out surveys, both online and in person, asking various questions about porn and porn consumption. In addition, I interviewed two males about pornography. I also have looked at books and newspaper articles about pornography.
The Statistics
There were 23 female participants and 16 males. Of the males, nine make less than $20,000 a year, five make $20,000 to $50,000 a year, one makes $50,000 to $80,000, and 1 makes $80,000 to $100,000. Of the females, 14 make less than $20,000 a year, nine make $20,000 to $50,000 a year, and one makes $50,000 to $80,000 a year. No one who filled out a survey made more than $100,000 a year. Nearly half of the participants are college students, 8 males and 12 females. The other half consisted of one female who did not respond six males and six females with a high school diploma or GED, and two male college graduates and five female college graduates. The age range was 18 to 47, over half being between the ages of 18 to 26. Religious beliefs varied as well. There were one male and one female who are Agnostic, seven males and ten females who did not respond or wrote none for religion, one male Catholic, two males stated they practiced self worship, two male Baptist, one female Greek Orthodox, four female Pagan/Wiccan, two female Atheists, two males who are Taoist, and one female who labeled herself as practicing a religion as other. How these statistics affect their views on pornography will be looked at as well.
Gender of Participants
Male
16
Female
23
Pornography
What is pornography? Since the public has had trouble defining it, it has been left up to the Supreme Court on numerous occasions, such as Ginzburg v. United States and Mishkin v New York (Gagnon 137). However, all that these cases really proved was what may be considered obscene. In the Ginzburg case, the Library of Congress had already translated one of the books in question, Fanny Hill, into Braille. According to The New American Webster Dictionary, pornography is obscene art, writing, etc. from the Greek word porn?, which literally means “the depiction of prostitutes (Morehead 524).” The use of the word dates back at least to Pompeii. This is extremely vague and can be left to interpretation. Nadine Strossen publishes another definition in Defending Pornography: Free Speech, Sex, and the Fight for Women’s Rights. In her book she quotes Catharine MacKinnon’s definition ass “Pornography, in the feminist view, is a form of forced sex, … an institution of gender inequality… [P]ornography, with the rape and prostitution in which it participates, institutionalizes the sexuality of male supremacy (Strossen 11).” Since there is such a vague definition, through out this text pornography will refer to text, pictures, video, or other media that depicts sexual intercourse and sexual activity.
In Indonesia, there is a debate between the Muslim clerics in charge and the public as to what should be considered pornographic. President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono even recently stopped a singer from appearing at a presidential function because “her belly button was showing (Paddock 31).” This is addition to Playboy starting an edition especially for Indonesia. The editor, Erwin Arnada, stated they changed the content to fit the countries culture. The magazine contains no nudity, to the disappointment of many buyers. However, Islamic militants demonstrated outside the magazine’s main office. In America, however, the lack of nudity would cause this magazine not to be considered pornographic. This shows that even different cultures have different definitions.
In a discussion with a 27-year-old male, Chris, I brought up animated films with nudity and sexual intercourse. He stated that this was not pornography, just adult entertainment. On the other hand, Art, a 37-year-old male, said the opposite. His thoughts on the difference were “It just takes more talent to draw the animated porn.” When Art’s comment was brought up to Chris, he laughed and said “Yeah, but still, it’s not a naked chick doing a guy or two chicks doing each other.” Therefore, I asked Art what makes something pornographic. “Well, there’s going to be nudity, and you’ll at least see the chick’s pussy. Plus good porn will have sex. The soft stuff may just have oral (sex) or masturbation, but there’s some sort of sex.” This seems to be the consensus, pornography is very sexually charged.
When I brought up the subject of pornography to Art, he seemed almost giddy to discuss the topic. Art informed me that he has an intensive collection of porn, the videos varying in type, from a video where all the girls do is shave their labia to rape porn. His collection also includes severely obese women staring in the film and one film starring transvestites. Art stated that there is a pornographic film for all tastes. “It is a visual of what someone is already fantasizing about.” Then I asked him about the obese woman video and transvestites, he said, “I’m not into those two, I have those just because they are funny. You have to keep in mind someone out there will fantasize about those. I collect porn.” He left it at that for the day.
Neither male would comment on how pornography portrayed males and females. Their comments were all focused on why people watch porn and what types of porn exist. Art told me that people should be careful about how much pornography they consume. “Even though pornography goes back to ancient times, pornography can escalate the sexual drives of an individual an amazing rate. I honestly believe this is why we have rapist and pedophiles.” Chris made similar comments stating that pornography can be like a drug quoting Glen Beck “about 10% of adults are addicted to porn where as only 7% are addicted to alcohol. I’d say that is something to look into.”
From the Theater to the Home
Pornography used to be seen in a seedy theater with sticky floors. Someone might see you walking into the theater and your repetition would be ruined. So when did pornography go from the theater to inside our homes? Paul Fishbein went on the Glen Beck show and stated “it’s technology. It’s the invention of the VCR and, in the late 1970’s, people getting VCRs for their home for the first time and then wanting to see an adult movie and not having to go out in public and not having to have their neighbors see them.” With technology evolving as it has, the medium in which porn is viewed has evolved as well, through DVDs and the internet, the next stage being your cell phone.
As pornography has made its way into our homes, it has become more mainstream and seemingly more acceptable. With the stigma fading from pornography, it has started to proliferate daytime television. During a 3 p.m. episode of What I Like About You, a television series on the CW, a channel anyone with a television antennae can watch, started an episode with character Valerie Tyler talking about a pornographic film with her boss at the end of a date. She can be quoted as saying to her date “Who knew people would be so interested in porno?”
Another show that has brought up pornography is The Man Show. Comedy Central, a cable channel, developed the show specifically for males. One of their bits on the show, starring Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corrola, stars adult film stars showing viewers how to do small things around the house. This skit usually shows the actresses cleavage; she loses her shirt, amongst other things that expose the adult film stars body that on regular television would be very inappropriate.
Cable television has made including pornographic references easier due to the leniency of cable. On Cartoon Networks late night segment “Adult Swim,” several shows recently showed references of varying degrees to pornography. On the new show Metalopalypse, the band the show is about is invited to appear at the pornography industry’s equivalent of the Emmy’s. In this episode, the lead singer almost causes the band this “wonderful” opportunity due to his controlling girlfriend who is against pornography. His girlfriend falls down several flights of stairs and is in a coma so the band is able to attend the event. Another instance on “Adult Swim” of pornography being used in the plotline is on the show 12oz Mouse, a show about a green mouse and a gerbil. In one particular episode, the city is being attacked and the attackers make a point to fire upon the 18-wheeler labeled and carrying pornography. In another show on the late night programming block, “Family Guy,” Adam West chases a pizza delivery guy threw town shooting cats at him. On one shot, Adam shoots out the window of the pornography store. Chris, the 13-year-old son on the show, and some of his friends rush into the store and still some pornography. They take the films back to Chris’s house to watch but get busted by Louis, Chris’s mom. She asks why they are watching the films and are they not learning about sex at school. Chris replies no. In this instance, the pornography was used to open up the topic of safe sex with teenagers, but the other instances seem like plugs for pornography, just like Brad Pitt would plug one of his movies on a television news programs.
The Man Show’s love of the female porn star is only escalated by their use of barely clothed females dancing around their stage. These images combined with other television shows use of scantly clad women as background and set props contributes to the body image problems that plague young America. American porn stars and dancers on male centered shows are top heavy with large breast and tiny waist and extremely skinny. This is in addition to the images that bombard us everyday through the media.
Gender Perception
One of the questions asked in my online survey was “How does porn represent men/women?” The answers were interesting. Most people agreed that women were viewed as sexual objects and men as the dominator in the sexual situation. However, I would like to share their insight into these representations of males and females through the eyes of casual porn viewers.
Daxx, 31, watches porn approximately once a month. Daxx said, “I feel porn represents men as being dominant figures in our society. Well, not just in our society, but other societies (as well) dealing with human sexuality. When you look at most of the porn that’s out there, the men are mostly in control. There is no doubt that this is a market that was designed and created by males.” Daxx then shared his opinion of how women are presented in pornography, “There is a sort of a double standard that is present that exists on all levels when dealing with how porn represents women. The representation in which I speak of has a subliminal stigma attached to it. Society has always viewed women as less, especially when there is a sexual deviant involved. Porn also represents women as being submissive.” His opinion of women being presented as submissive was shared with many who answered the question.
Donna, 23, who says she views pornographic material maybe three times a year, stated that she felt men were represented poorly since most of the films “focus on the women.” She also stated that she felt that porn represented women well, focusing on her pleasure. Brandon, 23, who views pornographic material once or twice a week, agreed partly, but stated this is not a norm in the industry; women are also “portrayed as empty headed sluts who’ll drop their panties at the earliest opportunity.”
Rob, 30, who views pornographic material a few times a week, seemed to have the most comprehensive answer to the question as to how pornography portrays men and women. Rob wrote, “I think in both cases it represents the gender as an unattainable ideal, while still making them unemotional figures. Men are nothing more than grunting machines pounding away on interchangeable women that are for the most part just a piece of meat. The men are all well endowed and able to have sex for hours on end and the women are all able to engage in a variety of sexual acts that the majority of society will take no part in. This leads men to wonder why they can’t find a woman that will do all the things they’ve watched and women wondering why all men aren’t the stallions they see on the videos.” Rob did not include the variety in the pornography industry; however, most people only stick with the form of pornography they are comfortable with.
It should be noted that two respondents are involved in the making of pornography. Cody and Amanda, both 26, have different views on pornography’s representation of males and females. Cody stated that he felt pornography portrayed men as “studs (as in horses)” and women as “real people behind closed doors, although sometimes it does get degrading.” Amanda on the other hand “hardly notices” the men in pornography because she “notices the girls more.” She stated that pornography represents women as “sexually open, free, fun loving.” Having the input of individuals involved in making pornography should be included here. We now have an inside view.
A Comparison between two Pornographic Films
On any given night, you can see the commercial for the Girls Gone Wild videos. These videos are shot during such events as spring break where 18+ females ask how they can get one of the t-shirts with the shows logo on it. The young women are usually drunk, in one scene the girl was so drunk she could barely walk, when they ask this. The guy who runs the show asks the girl to do various acts, such as remove clothing, masturbation, and occasionally kiss another girl. Some of the females do no need his prompts and will do what they believe they should do to get a t-shirt. The girls in these films are not actors. There are no men on screen, but the voice off camera is one that directs the female and dominating by telling the female what to do. The only things disturbing about the films are that they would allow the extremely inebriated female to participate. By law, she should not have been allowed to get that intoxicated. The other thing is these girls are only getting a tank top for their exploits on film that may come back to haunt them later. Since they are drunk, they may forget that they participated except for the shirt.
The reality is that young females are doing these kinds of behaviors with out the prompts of the creator of Girls Gone Wild. If one goes to a college party or a high school party where alcohol is being served, the females will do some of these types of behaviors. It is known that alcohol lowers inhibitions and that this can lead to being more sexual, including bisexual behaviors even when the female is not bisexual.
I viewed another video that contained only females. Titled Pink Velvet 3, it is a foreign film out of a Spanish speaking country. This film contains a plotline that follows a mother and daughter and their lesbian sexual exploits in the hotel they run. The video hardly shows open vaginal shots like most American pornographic films. The majority of shots of the vaginal area are covered, shadowed, or are from afar. There is more concern for the pleasure of the women than in their sexual organs. This concern is reflected in the cinematography of the film. The majority of females in the film were young, between the ages of 18 and 21, with the exception of the mother character.
This film seems to depict women as very sexual and in control of their sex lives. They know what they like. When their partner does something they like sexually, they encourage them with the touch of their hand. In many American pornographic films the male’s performances is the focus. The female is being pleased, but many times, such as in The Young and the Filthy, she is being submissive to the male, allowing him to do what ever he pleases. Since there are no males in the film, the females are pretty much equals during the sexual acts depicted in the film. Even if the film had been recorded in English, it would have been obvious that it was not American do to how the women interacted with one another and the cinematography.
The Young and the Filthy video may be viewed by some as degrading. The basis of the video is that females are very young. The video does state several times that all of the females in the video are 18 or older at the time the video was recorded. The girls have lollipops and wear stereotypical “school girl” clothes. The man in the video is extremely aggressive and some may view his actions as violent since he grabs the girls by the throat, gags them with his penis to the point they are spitting up on themselves afterwards, and then throwing them down on the couch after gagging them. The male talks down to the girls asking them if they love their “da-da” and things of that nature. The females seem to enjoy this behavior and submit to the male and do as they are told or made to do by force. They smile as much as one with a full mouth can. This particular film depicted men and women to the extreme of the two stereotypes previously mentioned.
Pornography’s Affect
Amanda wrote in her survey “I think porn is undying and could never be stopped. The more it is oppressed the more it will get weirder and the more it will be wanted.” She also included that she feels that pornography has a neutral effect on society. “Sex sells, it drives us. I mean I don’t want my five year old looking but I also know that hormones drive us.” Cody said that pornography is having a positive effect on society by helping people shed their shame. He stated that there was no place for shame. In addition, he stated that as someone just getting started in the porn industry, there are many laws and rules to learn. “It is an industry you don’t want to jump right into… It is a business and should be treated like one. Other than that, yeah, it can be fun to watch from time to time.”
The effect porn has on us is seen as both positive and negative depending on who you ask. As seen above, each individual has a separate opinion. In the surveys, many stated there was a neutral effect. Rob stated that he feels pornography has a positive affect on society. “It allows people to see things that they otherwise would not be allowed to see, and gives an outlet for people with unorthodox fantasies.” Brandon said that he does not think that porn itself is the problem but rather society’s reaction to it. He concluded that pornography is simple entertainment, having no intrinsic value beyond that. Many stated that pornography is having a neutral effect. The main argument is that it is up to the individual to make proper decisions in regards to their pornographic intake.
There were those who were very adamant about the negative affects pornography is having on society. Kim, 31, who has viewed pornographic material maybe four to five times in her entire life, stated that women are portrayed as “degrading, sexual objects where men are portrayed as masculine, dominant figures.” She went on to say that, she does not like pornography because it “defies what sex was meant to be according to the Christian religion.” Sara G., 23, who does not view pornographic material, agrees with Kim that pornography portrays sex in a way other than natural.
Sara M., 23, who views pornographic material every few months or so, thinks that pornography, is having a negative effect. “With rising commercialism and our disposable culture, I think that it is generally cutting out the art of erotica and advocating the ‘quick fix’ of porn. With this are several areas where the art of sex is no longer an issue, but involves almost childish approaches to getting off quickly, including the marginalization of others. Since rape is an expression of power, I can only think that this cannot be healthy according to the porn I myself have seen.” Sara’s statement shows that there is such a wide variety of pornographic material that it can be easy to only see one type if one only watches porn once every few months if that often, such as she has.
Amber, 26, who watches pornography about three times a week, stated that she thinks that the affect goes along with the rest of Hollywood and projects a negative female body image. Tara, 25, who watches pornography once to twice a week, added that “I think it is having a negative effect on society for the simple reason that it gives people certain expectations about how sex is like and what people are supposed to look like and how to act.” Jenny, 25, who rarely watches pornographic material, agreed with both. Rachel, 22, who views pornographic material once every couple of weeks, stated it has a neutral affect. “It doesn’t affect me. I think people make way too much emphasis saying that porn is bad and that it is demeaning to women, but it’s the woman’s choice to do what she wants.”
Conclusion
Who is saying this behavior is sexually overt? America went through Puritan cycles where women have been marginalized compared to times past. America is country of immigrants, many from Europe. Much of Western European culture is based on the culture of ancient Greece and Rome. Those cultures were known for their overt sexuality. Even with the onset of Christianity, much of Western Europe still held onto Rome’s sexual liberation. However, sects of Christianity did not carry on these principals and some moved to America. This was the beginning of the Puritan attitude towards sex and sexuality in America. As immigrants from different areas of the world came to America, the attitudes toward sex and sexual display changed as well. The next time that Americans overtly covered up sexuality was the Victorian period. Some argue we are in the process of going through another one of these periods. There are the anti-pornography campaigns that have tried to make all nude pictures, even those that are art, illegal.
Society is changing and evolving everyday. On the morning news on TXCN cable channel 38, there was an article about how people are checking their email among other things with their Blackberry cell phone. Technology is progressing quickly, to the point if you blink your eyes you will miss the next big thing. Technology has been assisted by pornography, a fact that many people are either not aware of or refuse to look at. The proliferation of the VCR and DVD player into our homes directly corresponds with the infiltration of pornography. It has been proven that pornography is the reason that these new technologies became so widely used.
Pornography is not going to disappear. It has existed since at least ancient Greece and Rome and still exists today. It is hard to tell how it has changed over the millennia since many “heathen” text were destroyed during the conversion of Europe. Nonetheless, the amount of pornography and the ease of acquirement has never been at these levels. Pornography is like beauty, and is in the eye of the beholder, the appropriateness and extremities that it goes to vary by taste.
Shows directed specifically at men tend to portray women the most sexually. They show women in the least amount of clothes and mention pornography the most, for example The Man Show previously on Comedy Central. These shows portray women as purely sexual objects, as in the case of the “Juggies” on the show and the bit about adult stars with household tips. These two instances focus more on the women’s bodies than on any other part of the woman.
The effect pornography is having on society is debatable. Depending on the individual views and values of each person determines how they view the affect of the industry on society. Of those surveyed, many thought the pornography industry was either having a positive or neutral affect. Again, this is a matter of perspective. Depending on upbringing and preferences, one will view the affects differently. With pornography infiltrating our homes in unusually large amounts and increasing daily, it is hard to tell how this will affect our society. It will take at least a generation to truly tell, since those partaking in the pornography and those not at this time are blinded by what they are presently experiencing. However, sexually infused advertising has been seen to cause young people to act and dress more sexually overt.
In conclusion, pornography cannot be truly seen as positive or negative on society. Seeing as it has been around for millennia, we know that will not be going anywhere, even with legislation. What needs to be addressed is how men and women are portrayed in the genre. There needs to be more realistic image set in these films and pictures that if people want to measure their lives against them, it would be more accessible and less damaging.
Pornography seems to be everywhere these days, from daytime television to the internet. However, how is this infiltration into our homes affecting our lives? In addition, how does porn portray men and women? Since pornography has become more prevalent, how it portrays the sexes will have some ramifications on society. What are these ramifications, if we can tell?
To find this out I have passed out surveys, both online and in person, asking various questions about porn and porn consumption. In addition, I interviewed two males about pornography. I also have looked at books and newspaper articles about pornography.
The Statistics
There were 23 female participants and 16 males. Of the males, nine make less than $20,000 a year, five make $20,000 to $50,000 a year, one makes $50,000 to $80,000, and 1 makes $80,000 to $100,000. Of the females, 14 make less than $20,000 a year, nine make $20,000 to $50,000 a year, and one makes $50,000 to $80,000 a year. No one who filled out a survey made more than $100,000 a year. Nearly half of the participants are college students, 8 males and 12 females. The other half consisted of one female who did not respond six males and six females with a high school diploma or GED, and two male college graduates and five female college graduates. The age range was 18 to 47, over half being between the ages of 18 to 26. Religious beliefs varied as well. There were one male and one female who are Agnostic, seven males and ten females who did not respond or wrote none for religion, one male Catholic, two males stated they practiced self worship, two male Baptist, one female Greek Orthodox, four female Pagan/Wiccan, two female Atheists, two males who are Taoist, and one female who labeled herself as practicing a religion as other. How these statistics affect their views on pornography will be looked at as well.
Gender of Participants
Male
16
Female
23
Pornography
What is pornography? Since the public has had trouble defining it, it has been left up to the Supreme Court on numerous occasions, such as Ginzburg v. United States and Mishkin v New York (Gagnon 137). However, all that these cases really proved was what may be considered obscene. In the Ginzburg case, the Library of Congress had already translated one of the books in question, Fanny Hill, into Braille. According to The New American Webster Dictionary, pornography is obscene art, writing, etc. from the Greek word porn?, which literally means “the depiction of prostitutes (Morehead 524).” The use of the word dates back at least to Pompeii. This is extremely vague and can be left to interpretation. Nadine Strossen publishes another definition in Defending Pornography: Free Speech, Sex, and the Fight for Women’s Rights. In her book she quotes Catharine MacKinnon’s definition ass “Pornography, in the feminist view, is a form of forced sex, … an institution of gender inequality… [P]ornography, with the rape and prostitution in which it participates, institutionalizes the sexuality of male supremacy (Strossen 11).” Since there is such a vague definition, through out this text pornography will refer to text, pictures, video, or other media that depicts sexual intercourse and sexual activity.
In Indonesia, there is a debate between the Muslim clerics in charge and the public as to what should be considered pornographic. President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono even recently stopped a singer from appearing at a presidential function because “her belly button was showing (Paddock 31).” This is addition to Playboy starting an edition especially for Indonesia. The editor, Erwin Arnada, stated they changed the content to fit the countries culture. The magazine contains no nudity, to the disappointment of many buyers. However, Islamic militants demonstrated outside the magazine’s main office. In America, however, the lack of nudity would cause this magazine not to be considered pornographic. This shows that even different cultures have different definitions.
In a discussion with a 27-year-old male, Chris, I brought up animated films with nudity and sexual intercourse. He stated that this was not pornography, just adult entertainment. On the other hand, Art, a 37-year-old male, said the opposite. His thoughts on the difference were “It just takes more talent to draw the animated porn.” When Art’s comment was brought up to Chris, he laughed and said “Yeah, but still, it’s not a naked chick doing a guy or two chicks doing each other.” Therefore, I asked Art what makes something pornographic. “Well, there’s going to be nudity, and you’ll at least see the chick’s pussy. Plus good porn will have sex. The soft stuff may just have oral (sex) or masturbation, but there’s some sort of sex.” This seems to be the consensus, pornography is very sexually charged.
When I brought up the subject of pornography to Art, he seemed almost giddy to discuss the topic. Art informed me that he has an intensive collection of porn, the videos varying in type, from a video where all the girls do is shave their labia to rape porn. His collection also includes severely obese women staring in the film and one film starring transvestites. Art stated that there is a pornographic film for all tastes. “It is a visual of what someone is already fantasizing about.” Then I asked him about the obese woman video and transvestites, he said, “I’m not into those two, I have those just because they are funny. You have to keep in mind someone out there will fantasize about those. I collect porn.” He left it at that for the day.
Neither male would comment on how pornography portrayed males and females. Their comments were all focused on why people watch porn and what types of porn exist. Art told me that people should be careful about how much pornography they consume. “Even though pornography goes back to ancient times, pornography can escalate the sexual drives of an individual an amazing rate. I honestly believe this is why we have rapist and pedophiles.” Chris made similar comments stating that pornography can be like a drug quoting Glen Beck “about 10% of adults are addicted to porn where as only 7% are addicted to alcohol. I’d say that is something to look into.”
From the Theater to the Home
Pornography used to be seen in a seedy theater with sticky floors. Someone might see you walking into the theater and your repetition would be ruined. So when did pornography go from the theater to inside our homes? Paul Fishbein went on the Glen Beck show and stated “it’s technology. It’s the invention of the VCR and, in the late 1970’s, people getting VCRs for their home for the first time and then wanting to see an adult movie and not having to go out in public and not having to have their neighbors see them.” With technology evolving as it has, the medium in which porn is viewed has evolved as well, through DVDs and the internet, the next stage being your cell phone.
As pornography has made its way into our homes, it has become more mainstream and seemingly more acceptable. With the stigma fading from pornography, it has started to proliferate daytime television. During a 3 p.m. episode of What I Like About You, a television series on the CW, a channel anyone with a television antennae can watch, started an episode with character Valerie Tyler talking about a pornographic film with her boss at the end of a date. She can be quoted as saying to her date “Who knew people would be so interested in porno?”
Another show that has brought up pornography is The Man Show. Comedy Central, a cable channel, developed the show specifically for males. One of their bits on the show, starring Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corrola, stars adult film stars showing viewers how to do small things around the house. This skit usually shows the actresses cleavage; she loses her shirt, amongst other things that expose the adult film stars body that on regular television would be very inappropriate.
Cable television has made including pornographic references easier due to the leniency of cable. On Cartoon Networks late night segment “Adult Swim,” several shows recently showed references of varying degrees to pornography. On the new show Metalopalypse, the band the show is about is invited to appear at the pornography industry’s equivalent of the Emmy’s. In this episode, the lead singer almost causes the band this “wonderful” opportunity due to his controlling girlfriend who is against pornography. His girlfriend falls down several flights of stairs and is in a coma so the band is able to attend the event. Another instance on “Adult Swim” of pornography being used in the plotline is on the show 12oz Mouse, a show about a green mouse and a gerbil. In one particular episode, the city is being attacked and the attackers make a point to fire upon the 18-wheeler labeled and carrying pornography. In another show on the late night programming block, “Family Guy,” Adam West chases a pizza delivery guy threw town shooting cats at him. On one shot, Adam shoots out the window of the pornography store. Chris, the 13-year-old son on the show, and some of his friends rush into the store and still some pornography. They take the films back to Chris’s house to watch but get busted by Louis, Chris’s mom. She asks why they are watching the films and are they not learning about sex at school. Chris replies no. In this instance, the pornography was used to open up the topic of safe sex with teenagers, but the other instances seem like plugs for pornography, just like Brad Pitt would plug one of his movies on a television news programs.
The Man Show’s love of the female porn star is only escalated by their use of barely clothed females dancing around their stage. These images combined with other television shows use of scantly clad women as background and set props contributes to the body image problems that plague young America. American porn stars and dancers on male centered shows are top heavy with large breast and tiny waist and extremely skinny. This is in addition to the images that bombard us everyday through the media.
Gender Perception
One of the questions asked in my online survey was “How does porn represent men/women?” The answers were interesting. Most people agreed that women were viewed as sexual objects and men as the dominator in the sexual situation. However, I would like to share their insight into these representations of males and females through the eyes of casual porn viewers.
Daxx, 31, watches porn approximately once a month. Daxx said, “I feel porn represents men as being dominant figures in our society. Well, not just in our society, but other societies (as well) dealing with human sexuality. When you look at most of the porn that’s out there, the men are mostly in control. There is no doubt that this is a market that was designed and created by males.” Daxx then shared his opinion of how women are presented in pornography, “There is a sort of a double standard that is present that exists on all levels when dealing with how porn represents women. The representation in which I speak of has a subliminal stigma attached to it. Society has always viewed women as less, especially when there is a sexual deviant involved. Porn also represents women as being submissive.” His opinion of women being presented as submissive was shared with many who answered the question.
Donna, 23, who says she views pornographic material maybe three times a year, stated that she felt men were represented poorly since most of the films “focus on the women.” She also stated that she felt that porn represented women well, focusing on her pleasure. Brandon, 23, who views pornographic material once or twice a week, agreed partly, but stated this is not a norm in the industry; women are also “portrayed as empty headed sluts who’ll drop their panties at the earliest opportunity.”
Rob, 30, who views pornographic material a few times a week, seemed to have the most comprehensive answer to the question as to how pornography portrays men and women. Rob wrote, “I think in both cases it represents the gender as an unattainable ideal, while still making them unemotional figures. Men are nothing more than grunting machines pounding away on interchangeable women that are for the most part just a piece of meat. The men are all well endowed and able to have sex for hours on end and the women are all able to engage in a variety of sexual acts that the majority of society will take no part in. This leads men to wonder why they can’t find a woman that will do all the things they’ve watched and women wondering why all men aren’t the stallions they see on the videos.” Rob did not include the variety in the pornography industry; however, most people only stick with the form of pornography they are comfortable with.
It should be noted that two respondents are involved in the making of pornography. Cody and Amanda, both 26, have different views on pornography’s representation of males and females. Cody stated that he felt pornography portrayed men as “studs (as in horses)” and women as “real people behind closed doors, although sometimes it does get degrading.” Amanda on the other hand “hardly notices” the men in pornography because she “notices the girls more.” She stated that pornography represents women as “sexually open, free, fun loving.” Having the input of individuals involved in making pornography should be included here. We now have an inside view.
A Comparison between two Pornographic Films
On any given night, you can see the commercial for the Girls Gone Wild videos. These videos are shot during such events as spring break where 18+ females ask how they can get one of the t-shirts with the shows logo on it. The young women are usually drunk, in one scene the girl was so drunk she could barely walk, when they ask this. The guy who runs the show asks the girl to do various acts, such as remove clothing, masturbation, and occasionally kiss another girl. Some of the females do no need his prompts and will do what they believe they should do to get a t-shirt. The girls in these films are not actors. There are no men on screen, but the voice off camera is one that directs the female and dominating by telling the female what to do. The only things disturbing about the films are that they would allow the extremely inebriated female to participate. By law, she should not have been allowed to get that intoxicated. The other thing is these girls are only getting a tank top for their exploits on film that may come back to haunt them later. Since they are drunk, they may forget that they participated except for the shirt.
The reality is that young females are doing these kinds of behaviors with out the prompts of the creator of Girls Gone Wild. If one goes to a college party or a high school party where alcohol is being served, the females will do some of these types of behaviors. It is known that alcohol lowers inhibitions and that this can lead to being more sexual, including bisexual behaviors even when the female is not bisexual.
I viewed another video that contained only females. Titled Pink Velvet 3, it is a foreign film out of a Spanish speaking country. This film contains a plotline that follows a mother and daughter and their lesbian sexual exploits in the hotel they run. The video hardly shows open vaginal shots like most American pornographic films. The majority of shots of the vaginal area are covered, shadowed, or are from afar. There is more concern for the pleasure of the women than in their sexual organs. This concern is reflected in the cinematography of the film. The majority of females in the film were young, between the ages of 18 and 21, with the exception of the mother character.
This film seems to depict women as very sexual and in control of their sex lives. They know what they like. When their partner does something they like sexually, they encourage them with the touch of their hand. In many American pornographic films the male’s performances is the focus. The female is being pleased, but many times, such as in The Young and the Filthy, she is being submissive to the male, allowing him to do what ever he pleases. Since there are no males in the film, the females are pretty much equals during the sexual acts depicted in the film. Even if the film had been recorded in English, it would have been obvious that it was not American do to how the women interacted with one another and the cinematography.
The Young and the Filthy video may be viewed by some as degrading. The basis of the video is that females are very young. The video does state several times that all of the females in the video are 18 or older at the time the video was recorded. The girls have lollipops and wear stereotypical “school girl” clothes. The man in the video is extremely aggressive and some may view his actions as violent since he grabs the girls by the throat, gags them with his penis to the point they are spitting up on themselves afterwards, and then throwing them down on the couch after gagging them. The male talks down to the girls asking them if they love their “da-da” and things of that nature. The females seem to enjoy this behavior and submit to the male and do as they are told or made to do by force. They smile as much as one with a full mouth can. This particular film depicted men and women to the extreme of the two stereotypes previously mentioned.
Pornography’s Affect
Amanda wrote in her survey “I think porn is undying and could never be stopped. The more it is oppressed the more it will get weirder and the more it will be wanted.” She also included that she feels that pornography has a neutral effect on society. “Sex sells, it drives us. I mean I don’t want my five year old looking but I also know that hormones drive us.” Cody said that pornography is having a positive effect on society by helping people shed their shame. He stated that there was no place for shame. In addition, he stated that as someone just getting started in the porn industry, there are many laws and rules to learn. “It is an industry you don’t want to jump right into… It is a business and should be treated like one. Other than that, yeah, it can be fun to watch from time to time.”
The effect porn has on us is seen as both positive and negative depending on who you ask. As seen above, each individual has a separate opinion. In the surveys, many stated there was a neutral effect. Rob stated that he feels pornography has a positive affect on society. “It allows people to see things that they otherwise would not be allowed to see, and gives an outlet for people with unorthodox fantasies.” Brandon said that he does not think that porn itself is the problem but rather society’s reaction to it. He concluded that pornography is simple entertainment, having no intrinsic value beyond that. Many stated that pornography is having a neutral effect. The main argument is that it is up to the individual to make proper decisions in regards to their pornographic intake.
There were those who were very adamant about the negative affects pornography is having on society. Kim, 31, who has viewed pornographic material maybe four to five times in her entire life, stated that women are portrayed as “degrading, sexual objects where men are portrayed as masculine, dominant figures.” She went on to say that, she does not like pornography because it “defies what sex was meant to be according to the Christian religion.” Sara G., 23, who does not view pornographic material, agrees with Kim that pornography portrays sex in a way other than natural.
Sara M., 23, who views pornographic material every few months or so, thinks that pornography, is having a negative effect. “With rising commercialism and our disposable culture, I think that it is generally cutting out the art of erotica and advocating the ‘quick fix’ of porn. With this are several areas where the art of sex is no longer an issue, but involves almost childish approaches to getting off quickly, including the marginalization of others. Since rape is an expression of power, I can only think that this cannot be healthy according to the porn I myself have seen.” Sara’s statement shows that there is such a wide variety of pornographic material that it can be easy to only see one type if one only watches porn once every few months if that often, such as she has.
Amber, 26, who watches pornography about three times a week, stated that she thinks that the affect goes along with the rest of Hollywood and projects a negative female body image. Tara, 25, who watches pornography once to twice a week, added that “I think it is having a negative effect on society for the simple reason that it gives people certain expectations about how sex is like and what people are supposed to look like and how to act.” Jenny, 25, who rarely watches pornographic material, agreed with both. Rachel, 22, who views pornographic material once every couple of weeks, stated it has a neutral affect. “It doesn’t affect me. I think people make way too much emphasis saying that porn is bad and that it is demeaning to women, but it’s the woman’s choice to do what she wants.”
Conclusion
Who is saying this behavior is sexually overt? America went through Puritan cycles where women have been marginalized compared to times past. America is country of immigrants, many from Europe. Much of Western European culture is based on the culture of ancient Greece and Rome. Those cultures were known for their overt sexuality. Even with the onset of Christianity, much of Western Europe still held onto Rome’s sexual liberation. However, sects of Christianity did not carry on these principals and some moved to America. This was the beginning of the Puritan attitude towards sex and sexuality in America. As immigrants from different areas of the world came to America, the attitudes toward sex and sexual display changed as well. The next time that Americans overtly covered up sexuality was the Victorian period. Some argue we are in the process of going through another one of these periods. There are the anti-pornography campaigns that have tried to make all nude pictures, even those that are art, illegal.
Society is changing and evolving everyday. On the morning news on TXCN cable channel 38, there was an article about how people are checking their email among other things with their Blackberry cell phone. Technology is progressing quickly, to the point if you blink your eyes you will miss the next big thing. Technology has been assisted by pornography, a fact that many people are either not aware of or refuse to look at. The proliferation of the VCR and DVD player into our homes directly corresponds with the infiltration of pornography. It has been proven that pornography is the reason that these new technologies became so widely used.
Pornography is not going to disappear. It has existed since at least ancient Greece and Rome and still exists today. It is hard to tell how it has changed over the millennia since many “heathen” text were destroyed during the conversion of Europe. Nonetheless, the amount of pornography and the ease of acquirement has never been at these levels. Pornography is like beauty, and is in the eye of the beholder, the appropriateness and extremities that it goes to vary by taste.
Shows directed specifically at men tend to portray women the most sexually. They show women in the least amount of clothes and mention pornography the most, for example The Man Show previously on Comedy Central. These shows portray women as purely sexual objects, as in the case of the “Juggies” on the show and the bit about adult stars with household tips. These two instances focus more on the women’s bodies than on any other part of the woman.
The effect pornography is having on society is debatable. Depending on the individual views and values of each person determines how they view the affect of the industry on society. Of those surveyed, many thought the pornography industry was either having a positive or neutral affect. Again, this is a matter of perspective. Depending on upbringing and preferences, one will view the affects differently. With pornography infiltrating our homes in unusually large amounts and increasing daily, it is hard to tell how this will affect our society. It will take at least a generation to truly tell, since those partaking in the pornography and those not at this time are blinded by what they are presently experiencing. However, sexually infused advertising has been seen to cause young people to act and dress more sexually overt.
In conclusion, pornography cannot be truly seen as positive or negative on society. Seeing as it has been around for millennia, we know that will not be going anywhere, even with legislation. What needs to be addressed is how men and women are portrayed in the genre. There needs to be more realistic image set in these films and pictures that if people want to measure their lives against them, it would be more accessible and less damaging.
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