European Dreams

When discussing my lodging while traveling, my husband made a slightly snide comment about camping.  My response was "who hasn't dreamed of camping across Europe?"  He apparently never had.  Now, I'm honestly curious how this couldn't be on someone's bucket list.  What better way to really get to know a land, a continent, than to pitch a tent and see parts you would NEVER see if you stayed in a hotel?  I can not think of anything better.  I dreamed of camping and hiking in Europe as a little girl.  The old woods, the beaches, the ancient ruins hidden where no one thought to look and you accidentally stumbled upon them, the air of history surrounding you in nature.... *sigh*  I get goosebumps thinking about.

However, I am aware that camping is not for everyone, even some "outdoors" types like my husband.  We're all shaded by our pasts.  Sure he can survive in the Alaska Tundra, but maybe that's why he doesn't want to go around Europe only camping and not staying in a hotel?  I don't know, we didn't delve into it much because I want to camp when I travel.  I really wish we had gotten our passports sooner because I could have gone camping in Norway or Sweden.  Sadly, by time I take care of my next two trips, it will be a bit too late to camp comfortably in the North like that.

My current plan is to be in Romania for the Fall Equinox and Rome for Samhain (Halloween).  I do not have the plans all laid out for Romania, as I'm waiting on the results of his next appointment for his hand, but I can quickly plot out train routes and campsites once we know when his next appointment is.  I am really thinking that I should get a Eurorail pass.  I'm going to read over the site again, but if I read it right the first time, I'll get to use local public transit with the option I was going with.

With Romania, if you are going for the Vlad Tepes experience, you have to take a week.  Most of the sites are at least 100 kilometers apart and many require lots of walking.  Bran Castle requires you to walk up something like 1500 stairs to reach the ruins of that castle.  Needless to say, I've been purposely making multiple trips up and down the 6 flights of stairs that lead to our apartment.  We're on the third floor, but these stairs are stupid.  I'm at a point to where going up and down them 3 times is no big deal, unless each trip up requires heavy lifting.

I still can't believe I'm so close to things I've always dreamed of seeing or have now seen.  I saw the remnant of the Berlin Wall.  I've seen the canals of Amsterdam.  I saw the armor and clothing of Peter the Great of Russia (it was an exhibit in Amsterdam ok).  I live in a city that was bombed heavily by the Allied Forces during WWII.  I've walked along the walls of the old city in Nuremberg, quite drunk, and watched the locals shoot off fireworks on New Years.  Who can boast these things?  And I still have time to see more!  I'm so overwhelmed with the joy of it all that I sometimes become unable to function outside of my normal routine.  I think this is why so many people who get stationed overseas don't take advantage of the opportunity.  They know the history is there, they know the beauty is there, but it overwhelms them.  Also there are those who have no desire to see, and to them I say "WTF IS YOUR MALFUNCTION!!!!!"

Just so it's out there, here is a list of places I still need to go, not mentioned above:
Pompeii
A bunch of places in the UK (gotta see my ferrety friends and all that Celtic and Norse shit!)
The cave art in France
The Louvre
Budapest
Warsaw, specifically, anything to do with Chopin
Something in the Alps
Heidelberg
Munich
Can I see Moscow?
Prague
Places in the Byzantine Empire

I could go on, and on, and on, and on.... Everything is so close... so close you can almost taste the history of each place.  As it is, the history of one area bleeds into another.  My particular part of Germany at one point had both Norse AND Celts, then the Romans.  Oh the history!

It's Been a Hot Minute

Once again I've neglected this blog, and I do apologize.  Life in Germany has been something... special.  If my poetry I posted earlier this year is any indication, there have been some troubles.  I won't publicly discuss the happening in April, but I'm ok with what happened, and boundaries have been set.  (If you know, you know)

Since being in Germany, I've visited a few places, but not nearly enough.  I finally left Germany earlier in July.  I spent a week in Amsterdam, camping on the east side of town at a place called Camp Zeeburg.  I absolutely LOVED it!  I pitched my tent right by the water and was greeted in the morning by the birds, and one morning a spider.  I explored Amsterdam by foot and public transit, and rode a Dutch style bike (cruiser bike) through a park in Zeeburg.  The entire experience was both spiritually uplifting and physically invigorating.

Waterfront near Zeeburg

What I haven't expressed in this blog, as it's been crazy around these parts, is my shift back to paganism.  Don't preach at me, cuz I will and have out debated both sides of the argument for years.  Anywho!  When I say that Amsterdam was a spiritual trip I am not lying.  Since being in Germany I have found that the old gods are here like you would never believe and I know where our fairy tales come from and why they were written the way they were.  The sight of ravens gathered on snow is one of the most amazing sights you will ever see, if you're not afraid of birds.  Snow weighing down boughs of trees as the sun dances off them is moving.  The entire world is different in those moments.  I'm also in a part of Germany that, way way long ago, was the intersection of the Norse and Celts.  I can tell you that makes for some interesting experiences.  Needless to say, you can't just assume something you are dealing with is one of the things you dealt with back in the States.  You have to research.

I also have had the privilege of meeting some wonderful people who've helped me grow spiritually, both my gifts and my heart, here and I'm so thankful.  Before leaving Colorado, I had the wonderful opportunity to be gifted a few tarot decks and they have helped tremendously in figuring out what I'm dealing with.  I've learned that "evil" is relative and is about perception.  You really have to flex your sensing "muscles" before banishing anything, but always have your guards up.  I've learned the art of wards in a way I never thought possible in Texas.  I've discussed before, maybe not here, the craziness that is Texas on a spiritual level, and this is totally different.  Maybe one day I'll tell the story of how I met Loki or how I met Morrigan back in Texas all those years ago, but I won't go into that now or into the fey, alfar, and elementals that are around here.

I have plans this weekend to visit Rothenburg and in September I'm planning on going to Romania.  I've decided that camping through Europe is the best way for me to go.  Not only is it WAY cheaper than hotels and hostels, but you get to commune with nature, the old trees and waterways that make up the stories we were told as small children, in a way you would never experience staying in a brick and motor building.  When I go to Rome, I've already found a beach front camping site I will use.  Thanks to my experience in Amsterdam, I'm no longer apprehensive of staying near water.  I've learned a way to keep water spirits, which in my experience are the most likely to be nasty and/or evil things.  I can't wait to be on that beach near a city I only fantasized about in Latin class 16 years ago.  To be near a place that is ancient, but no where near as ancient as places just south on the other side of the Mediterranean.

I could go on in length about the beauty that surrounds me, and I will probably go on ad nauseum in future post about just that.  I'm in awe.  My camera can not capture the essence of what I see, even if I had a fancy DSLR.

One last note before I close this post:  I have finally found myself in a position as a leader of a spiritual group.  When I was young, I always knew I had the potential for something like that; however, as I got older, I became lackadaisical, but also apprehensive about being a leader other than in the work place.  I'm afraid I'll give bad information or scare people off with some of my more controversial ideas, i.e. evil being relative and all the fey/alfar stuff, oh and chaos magic and practices.  However, I'm finding that, despite my social issues, people respect me and listen.  This is truly humbling and makes me take pause at exactly what I say and not just pop off with whatever comes to mind.  I also make sure to point out that what I'm saying is unverified personal gnosis (UPG in future posts) so that those I'm talking to know that, though it is my personal experience, there is no historical evidence, at the moment, to verify my beliefs.  I think much of what we call dogma, though one can show passages here and there to prove one's point, is UPG since many ancient, holy texts have repeatedly been mistranslated or the parts people use are taken wholly out of context.  I'm so blessed to live this experience.  And the best part is, B almost literally pushes me out of the house, forcing me to face my fears and social anxieties to overcome them and experience my dream like I would never do before.  I'm finding that I can actually be alone and be happy.  I give that all to him, and a really good friend I met here.

The Little Debates

As many know, I love a good academic debate.  However, I despise when said debate goes into crazy theories that their only basis is someone that negates evidence because it does not prove what they are looking for.  Case in point, purposely dismissing archaeological evidence and prizing others because it does not support your belief that aliens or some superior race helped build ancient relics and architecture.  Yes, there are holes riddling the theories of much of archaeological dogma, but that does not mean that your hypothesis that there was a superior race that there is ZERO archaeological evidence of, other than images in art that do not fit into our views of normal, supporting that there was such.  It is known that there were humanoids that had larger brains or brain cavities than homo sapiens; however brain size and brain cavity size is not always equate to more brain power.  The size is first relative to the proportion of the size of the species and second to the structure of the brain.  Homo sapiens brains are a bit more compact than other humanoids, but they structure of the brain allows for more information to be stored.  The folds of the brain allow this.  You could think of it as the difference between the total surface area of a flat sheet versus a balled up one.  The folds cause the sheet to become more compact.  Since brains, like other organs, are soft tissue, they are easily lost to time, and rarely preserved.  I do not have the information to know whether or not the interior of the brain cavity can show us how much or little the brain was folded; however memory is suggesting there may be a way to tell, dependent entirely on how the remains decomposed. 

I enjoyed my conversation until wild speculations of a superior humanoid race was brought up with very little evidence presented.  If your evidence is solely based on History Channel and other “educational” channels, you are gravely mistaken.  The shows and theories presented tend towards bias for ratings.  My opinions on archeology and anthropology are based on actual work by actual anthropologists, a couple I had the privilege of being taught by.  To dismiss something I say, based only on what you saw on Discovery Channel, is not only an insult to me, but to your own intelligence.  I will never claim to know all there is to know about the subject, but I have to scoff someone, usually in my mind, when they use such programming as the basis for an argument.  However, tonight’s conversation/debate was one of the most intellectual I’ve been a part of in quite some time. 

And it reminds me how desperately I need to be in grad school.  Sadly, my options here in Germany are very limited.  To get into a German grad school program, fluency in Latin is required, in my understanding.  The few schools that participate in the education program in Europe for American military personnel and their families do not have any programs that fit my needs.  This puts me in the bind of finding an online program that is not with one of the many schools that my future university employer would deem as reputable.  I was told there’s a possibility I could try getting into a British university, but I reside in Germany and thus would have to move to England and away from my husband.  My biggest fear in the entire process, though, is that I will be rejected based on my cumulative GPA when I graduated.  There is also the hurdle of any testing the school would require to get into the program.  I am having many issues researching schools as well.  The only way I have found success in a search is to go to individual schools that I would be willing to have on a diploma and looking to see what they have available online.  This is a cumbersome way to search.  

Winterland Approaches Spring

Little green shoots

Sticking out of the snow

Brings hope of the coming spring

Rebirth of the land

But here in Winterland

The snow’s depths encapsulate colors

Only whites and shades of grey

Allowed to escape

Little grass shoots

Persevere

Spring will come

And you will flourish

Under father sun’s warmth

For now the ravens watch

Protecting their wintery home

Winterland

Thawing, allowing sprouts

Shooting up from the once frozen ground

Dance of Shadows

Shadows play on the walls

As they dance around each other

Not touching

Just grazing the outskirts of aura

The Storm

There’s an ache in my soul

Driven by the pain we share

Whatever is driving us apart

Is breaking my soul in two

Driving into the rocks of despair

How did it get to this place?

Pin pointing the moment

It all fell apart

Seems to be just out of reach

No lifeboat to be seen

Tell me how we can fix this

To bring things back

To the beginning

When things were fresh

Like the spring streams

I want back my friend

The one who guided me through

The darkest of my days

But the mast has broken in two

The sails not catching

There’s a silence prevailing

Like the El Nino winds

And the downpour is flooding

My heart, breaking the levees

I want the calm

That settles after the storm

Not the one foretelling

The disastrous damage

The Raven

The calls through the trees

Echoing against the snow

Is it a call to action

A call to come back to the fold?

The murder waits for the response

But the raven replies not

He sits, waiting

Through the veil between words

To aid the one who calls

He chooses the one

And will go and sit

On a shoulder and whisper in their ear

Waiting in Winterland

To assist when need be

The one needs his guidance

To understand the world in the air

To enjoy the little things, shiny

The others call to him

Awaiting to hear back

He informs the murder

As he brings them back to Winterland

A  replenishing of the soul

The one has been struggling

Among the rat race of the mundane

And he needs to teach them

Another lesson about grace

In the midst of the harsh winter grip

To overcome hardship

One must face the harshest winter

As the raven survives

In the vastness of the longest season

Silence of Winter

And we sit in relative silence
It echoing off each expression and shrug
The absence of contact exasperates
The solidity of the quiet
Why must there be this lack of sound
This lack of touch, feel
Even the expressions make no noise in the face
Just the changing of lines and orientation of features
When not moving, each sits in a neutral position
Saying nothing to the other's silent face
And this silence is deafening
Bouncing off the walls and down the halls
When will the joyous sounds return?

Uncertainty feeds this beast with no voice
Making those exposed question any change
Is there some meaning behind the echoes of nothing?
As if it we're out on the tundra in winter
With no sign of life, not even the wind
The only stirs are the movement of the air
As we pass each other, not touching
Only the breeze as we cut pass

Where are the blue birds of spring?
Their tweets breaking through
The first sprouts of the acorns that fell before the frost
When will they come and bring back the music,
The joy that once was that filled where silence is now

Life with Aspergers

I've learned that with years working behind the scenes, and apparently this includes the drive-thru at McDonald's, I have lost all ability to exchange money in a public environment.  I work now as a teller in a bank and have made two major mistakes.  One, I will blame on the system we use, and the other is because my brain had a "spasm" we use.  I was counting money today and said things like "cheese" when counting.  The "member" said that he was counting with me and that he knew I was right with what I was saying.  I was wrong.  I was jipping him and didn't know it.  I tried to explain to my coworker what was going on and still didn't make much sense.  My medication ran out for my seizures/migraines and was given a different release pill but have been given to the conclusion that I should wait until going to my new neuro before taking it.  All I know is that I have been making more mistakes of this measure lately.  I just want to be normal.

Rosie's Song

Please forgive mistakes.  I've been drinkin and it is 3 am here in Germany.  But, my mind keeps going to my friend NC that supposedly committed suicide.  I am not one to post a lot of links, but this a very good song for her, and anyone else any of use have lost in war.

Our Friends' Song from a great video game

Change and What Not

So we made it to Germany and I couldn't be happier.  For the most part it's been wonderful and a life long dream has come true!  Only down side has been all the time spent in crowded airports and the change itself, but life long dreams are so worth all the uncomfortable situations one goes through in pursuit of such things. German beer is awesome though.  I am sick of being in hotel rooms, even though it's another one of those uncomfortable situations that one has to endure in pursuit of dreams and stuff.

I have no complaints, but part of me is leery.  That is life.  I have found the Germans more accepting of me, but I'm thinking that has to do with my true appreciation of their culture and attempts at the language.  I've already offended at least two Americans and I arrived at 8 am Thursday (German time).  Yes, I'm that talented :D  The only German to be upset by me was this annoying flight attendant on the Lufthansa flight and she didn't like how I pronounced the word for right.

I think I'll keep this blog up to date.  I think it will be good for me and fun to document this life time dream.

Concerts, Military Moves, and Aspergers

If you don't know, I have Aspergers.  Was finally officially diagnosed about a month into therapy for my PTSD.  When trauma happens in childhood, it can be hard to distinguish between the two.  However, it happened.  The military doesn't have record, and that has helped with our move overseas.  I'm glad, I had a hard enough time with my neuro and GI to get there.  My life long dream has been to be an astronaut and live in Europe, so moving to Germany meets half of that.

So how do concerts fit in?  Well if you know ANYTHING about Aspergers, you know it is on the Autism spectrum and one of the big things is sound.  One thing that has always put me at odds with myself is that if loud noises are music then I'm ok, especially in a concert setting.  I won't get into the almost fight I got into tonight, just that I miss moshpits, they let out a lot of aggression a lot of us Aspies feel, but I have to say there is a big difference between music being super loud and you expect it, and sudden loud sounds.

This move has me so discombobulated that I have even a harder time focusing.  It's become so bad that I let laundry slide for almost 10 days (and even though there are only 2 of us, we produce 2 loads in 4 days!) and slipped up on sweeping.  I hate that this move has me so all over the place that I can't focus more than someone with ADHD and something else that makes you not able to do more than one task at a time and then forget what the next task is.

Aspergers shades everything.  It's always shaded my social interactions, and moving to a completely different culture and the Americans, my supposed brethren, is my biggest hurdle.  I've lived in Colorado, surrounded by military spouses, for almost 3 years, and I can count my friends on less than 2 hands.  And my very first friend here committed suicide 2 months ago on the 14th.  *le sigh* Seriously, I'm so scared of making friends in Germany with American women that I have slacked on my household duties.  I'm freaked out.  I seriously hope that I can meet some not trashy crazy chick when I get there.  Though I have ZERO qualms making friends with the Germans.  I do miss Bert.

Sad News

Seems that I have been getting a lot of sad news lately.  In August I got the dreaded call that my 17 year old cousin had passed.  I still do not have all the details, my understanding is a possible overdose.  Then on September 6th, when I went to email a friend that we were on our way back to Colorado, we had been in Texas for about 4 weeks, I found out she was dead.  It was apparent suicide, and that's another blog post that has proven very difficult to write, but needs to be.  Today, I got a call from my friend that I gave my ferrets to that Polar Bear has passed away.  I gave my ferrets to her because we're moving to Germany, and at the time we were supposed to move to Germany in early September.  She was moving to Tennessee and had the space and the love to care for my babies.  Polar Bear was at least 6 years old, according to his vet, and I just did not feel right putting him the belly of a plane for 14+ hours, even with his buddy Juliet.  With his passing, I know that I did the right thing.  He lived out his last days with kids, playing and having a good old time.  Even today, before he passed, he had been running around being his silly self.  My friend put the babies in their cage so they could eat, and while they ate Juliet started making a ruckus.  They did the usual "Juliet, we're trying to eat" but she just would not stop.  So her adoptive daddy went to the cage and he was gone.

Polar Bear lived a long life for a ferret.  He even out lived his cage mate, Sable, by two years.  In ferret time, that's like us outliving our spouse by 20+ years.  He had many friends and fans.  His friends were all small children and he would let them lift him by his tail, pet his head just a bit too hard, and handle him probably a bit too roughly, and he LOVED every second of it.  He enjoyed all of his time with anyone that would pay him attention.  He touched many lives, especially mine.  He's now over the Rainbow Bridge, dookin it up with his mate, Sable, again.  He really did mourn her when she left us so suddenly December 17, 2010.  She was only 2, but he had bonded with her as if they had been together for decades.  He moped and would not eat at times, pining away for her.  But Polar Bear and I got passed her death together and he helped me deal with my brain being wired funny.  I know Juliet will miss him, but she was a lone ferret before him and she will be ok without him.  Polar Bear thrived on having a companion.  Juliet is apparently already dancing and playing again, though I'm sure her heart is hurting.

They say death comes in threes, I think this is my 3 for now.  I'm still grieving pretty heavily for my friend.  She was my very first friend in Colorado, but like I said, that's a post for another day.  But I think right now, I'm ok for my big move.  Yep, think I'll be ok.  Soon, you, my faithful reader, will hear my thoughts on suicide and the military since my friend was a soldier.  I am going to make a concentrated effort to write much more because I've found it very therapeutic.  Plus, I write better than most of those selling books on Amazon for Kindle at 99 cents each.

Note to the Wise

This blog is fixing to become quit serious and/or different than you are used to, my loyal readers.  I know I have been negligent of my blogs.  However in the best interest of my well being, I'm going to be working on and posting more often and I want to prepare you.  Right now I'm dealing with A LOT.  Between 2 overdoses in my circle of influences and dealing with the Army, I have been struggling with quite a bit.  My only solace in all of this is my husband.  He annoys the shit out of me, but he is a my pillar in these trying times.  Do not expect anything Biblical, but expect my normal candor.  I've missed blogging in a way.

Anticon. Shirts are Hot

I should have stole your shirt when I had the chance

Cuz now I want to wear it and dance

To the beat of my new found drum

That rings with new sounds that are the sum

Of all the heart ache and dignity lost

That I allowed you to exhaust

(originally written 11/2009)

I'm Easily Amused

I find that my article on Marvin Harris has so many more views almost 3 years after I originally posted it than any of my new posts!  I love it!  I'm glad that my piece on Marvin Harris and Cannibals and Kings has people so intrigued!  I'm glad to see that others like cannibals and Harris as much as I do :D  Seriously, that makes me happy.  I have many things I address in this blog but this one makes me the happiest!

Triggers

For the first time in my entire life, I actually understand what a trigger really is.  However, my opinion still stands.  To use a trigger as an excuse is unexcuseable!  I've finally been diagnosed with PTSD and have triggers.  However, I do not allow my triggers to control what I expose myself to or who or how I interact with others.  Yes, people accidentally trigger me but it is not THEIR responsibility to mind their words.  It is MY responsibility to mind how I react to those triggers.  Do my triggers affect my relationship? Yes, they do.  Who's responsibility is in my relationship to mind my actions? MINE!  So if you have triggers, it is YOUR responsibility to control YOUR actions, not those around you to mind what they say and do.  Just saying

I have no room to talk but.........

I have no room to talk but if you are going to say the trauma in your life has shaped you into the confused, fucked up, overly emotional person you are today, please, for the love of all that is holy, make sure that the only trauma in your life is NOT your momma not lovin you enough!  Unless you've gone through MULTIPLE sexual abuses, followed by physical abuse, followed by being stalked WHILE being abused by one of your parents, WHILE being sexually abused still, followed by physical abuse, followed by bullying, followed by adult rape.... oh yeah, this doesn't even cover it..... yet I still act like a sane, rational human while in public.  The only person that has to deal with my regressions is my husband, who is the 2nd most patient human you've ever met, only trumped by my step-dad (who I call Dad), because he is the only person that I TRUST enough to act like this.  I CHOOSE to act like an ADULT in public.  If you are acting like a 3 year old while in public and are my age than maybe you should seek therapy.  I sought it, only because I wasn't acting my AGE in PRIVATE.  I got a grip a long time ago and I'm so sick of seeing people around my age say that DUE to abuse they went through they are sad fucks with no potential.  HELLO! You only had Mummy hit you ONCE with a brush or a rolling pin, get the fuck over it!

To those that don't understand abuse... don't worry, you grew up adjusted and probably HELPED those that were being abused in so many ways overcome what they were going through (Jenny, you helped me growing up more than you'll ever know).  And even those who may have been going through less but still abuse, you helped those going through worse than you.  I know when we were all younger we didn't talk about what was going on at home, but we kind of all knew who was going through hell and who wasn't.  We all affected each other in such great ways, even the bullies helped you develop.  So those who try to say they are weak and feeble for what they went through, go ahead and just off yourself because you obviously have ZERO strength and will die after a paper cut of reality anyways, so finish it.  Do you know after all I've gone through how many times I've attempted suicide? ZERO! Yeah, you heard that right, I've attempted suicide ZERO times.  Do you know why?  Because I knew that suicide is a cowards way out and running away was way easier

Ok, my points have ran out and I'm sure Ive pissed off some folks, good, life goes on

NANO Has Me Writing Again... Kinda

I'm participating in NANO again this year, hopefully doing better than in previous years.  And it's reminded me I need to write more.  I have neglected this and my other blogs.  But there's another reason for that, my back.  I'm so sick and tired of my back hurting all the damn time!  Seriously!  Today, I switched to my old muscle relaxers to get some work done because my new, and better, ones were just not relaxing that muscle in my back that's decided it needs to spasm constantly.  And do the doctors actually do anything for me? No!  I get treated like a pill popper and handed muscle relaxers that barely work.  They don't test for anything and just treat me like I'm out for pain pills.  No, I'm out for a reason why my back has been giving me hell since April!  I'm so frustrated and I'm on the verge of crying again.  I'm so sick of it.  I'm sick of the pain.

And that's not all!  I've been informed that I am lazy because I don't have a job, repeatedly.  This is NOT from my husband, but from other sources.   Yes, I don't have a kid to take care of and yes I have a college degree so you would think there would be no reason for me to be out of work.  Well guess what?  That college degree is one of the reasons I do NOT have a job!!!  And I've been looking for work for well over a year and I'm so sick of not working.  My business isn't doing well and I can't keep my student loans on deferment forever.  I'm so sick of being unemployed.  I WANT a job!  I want to work!  I don't want to sit here in my house day in and day out looking for work and not able to obtain it.  I'm so sick of people making assumptions about why I'm unemployed and then running their mouths about it.  Who are you to judge ME???  And it's even coming back to my husband about how there's no excuse for me not to be working.  Yeah, not cool!  I don't know who's saying what, and I honestly don't care, but I'm sick of it.  So not only am I in pain EVERY day but I've got to deal with douchebags talking shit about me behind my back or to my husband that don't even know what I'm going through or how hard I'm trying.  I've even applied to retail jobs and call centers!  I'm applying to jobs at my work level and below!  I've even applied for jobs outside my field.  I soooooo hope that if I'm friends with someone who knows one of the people talking about my lack of work they will inform these people talking about my lack of job that I am in fact trying.  I've had job interviews but not a job.

Ugh, I'm just frustrated and in pain and sick of hearing about how horrible of a person I am from others

Wow

I just saw that one of my young friends lost their husband today.  They're in their twenties and have a young daughter, and she is now a widow.  I'm crying.  I never met her or her husband, but I've been friends with her online for almost two years.  I can not imagine what she's going through, what the baby is going through.  I have no words to give her... What do you say to a young woman who just lost the love of their life?  What do you say to a 3 year old who just lost their daddy?  What do you say to a young woman who loses their husband to illness at such a young age?  I know what to say to someone who's spouse is killed in an accident or is murdered, I've been there, but what do you say to someone who loses someone at such an early age to health issues?  I have no idea