Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I know, I know, I said I wasn't going to use this for that

But I have decided I'm not going to mess with my MySpace blog anymore. Every time I go to post in that blog, it's down for maintenance or some stupidity. So, here I am. My boyfriend and I have been dating for off and on 3 years (come February) and we've had our share of ups and downs (technically we're not back together but for simplicity's sake I'm going to refer to him as my bf as we are only seeing each other). When we broke up in February, there were many factors that played into that. Some where from an incident the year before (I kissed another guy and then didn't say anything and when asked about it, lied) and some were his personal demons he was battling. In September 2007 we began attending church together, and God began to move within him and the Devil, knowing he was fixing to lose another soul, sent in his troops to keep it from happening. Well, in January (my birthday to be exact) my grandfather passed away. School started the day before his funeral. I didn't handle it well, as I have my own issues, and left for a week or two. When I came back home things were strained and we tried working on things but he wasn't receptive to any of my attempts at making things work. In addition, one of his exes was playing instigator, as much as he wants to deny that. So right before my baby sister's birthday (this year), I had it and left. He begged me to stay and I left. Three weeks after I left he accepted Christ and was baptized at the church we were attending together. I started hanging out with a couple friends I hadn't been able to before. Rumor has it I hooked up with one of these friends, which is not the case. The friend I'm supposed to have hooked up with is an alcoholic and I was trying to be there for him as he battles this disease, but after a month of his broken promises I finally told his friends that they need to babysit him because I'm done babysitting adults. We still talk, but he knows there will never be a chance between us if ever there was one. (I made it clear when my bf and I broke up that I was not jumping into another relationship.) Well, my bf and I didn't talk for two months straight until his best friend saw me and I was depressed, which comes with my mental issues, and told me to call my bf and I did. We met up one Thursday (4/20 to be exact) and talked. I was high and told him that the main reason I left was due to his ex. But a couple days later we sat down to clarify things. I explained how his lack of receptivity to my attempts of keeping us together were the main blame and he told me he had been baptized.

Here we are 6 months later. We had a conversation the other night which is the reason for my Tweets asking how to do prove to someone you have changed (and received the hilarious response "in song" with a link to Saddam singing "I Can Change" from South Park). He has walls up that I helped create and the whole kissing incident in March 2007 is the main culprit in the whole thing. I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish in writing this. I mean, honestly, I can't see myself with anyone else. And anyone that brings up the "you were miserable together" line will need to remember that it takes two to tango and he wasn't the only doing things wrong. I've never been in a relationship that lasted more than a year prior to him and this fact is one he has brought up and we've established that it's odd for me and an adjustment. We also made an agreement that we will seek couples counselling if we do decide to get back together. He said he could see that I want that by the look in my eyes. But he still has his doubts about my intentions and what I'm going to do in the future. He also pointed out how I need stability or I get antsy, which is the first time anyone has said that to me other than my shrink. I've made a concerted effort not to read too much into anything he says or does because I've learned through all of this that usually men don't have hidden agendas in their speaking. If he's teasing me, it's just teasing. It's not serious. If he's quiet, it's because he doesn't really have anything to say, or he doesn't want to say something he will regret. I wish I could take a lesson from him in that, haha.

I still don't know the goal or point of this other than how do I prove to him that I'm not going to do that crazy stuff again. I've grown and matured, and the most important, stopped drinking whiskey which has caused me so many problems it's not even funny. I have a beer now and again, but I stay away from liquer as it is a problem. How do we move passed this and grow as a couple? Well I'm done. Thanks for reading.

And due to a request: a link to the song


PecanCtMichael said...

Sorry to hear that you're having so much trouble. But men (myself included) are simple creatures and tend to run away when you beat them with a stick. On the other hand, quiet affection will bring us right back. We need stability too, y'know.

I couldn't really follow the timeline here... I would say that after a year of loyalty, the March '07 (hadn't you broken up the month before?) issue should be dropped and, barring any other issues that you failed to bring up, both of you can move forward.

My wife had a similar incident, when we were dating, in that she somehow ended up at a bar in her ex-boyfriend's lap. That's as far as it went, I'm told, but it still upset me. It took a while to get past that, and I held it over her head for awhile. Seven years, marriage, and two kids later, I think I'm over it.

So if you want to make it work, just keep your long-term goals in mind. If the long term goals don't include him, then be honest with yourself. But if they do, then time will heal all wounds (provided you don't make new ones along the way).

Also, you should have put the link to the Saddam song in your post (share the love!).


PitChiK said...

Sorry the time line is so poor. We broke up the first time in 2007 then again this year.