Rosie's Song

Please forgive mistakes.  I've been drinkin and it is 3 am here in Germany.  But, my mind keeps going to my friend NC that supposedly committed suicide.  I am not one to post a lot of links, but this a very good song for her, and anyone else any of use have lost in war.

Our Friends' Song from a great video game

Change and What Not

So we made it to Germany and I couldn't be happier.  For the most part it's been wonderful and a life long dream has come true!  Only down side has been all the time spent in crowded airports and the change itself, but life long dreams are so worth all the uncomfortable situations one goes through in pursuit of such things. German beer is awesome though.  I am sick of being in hotel rooms, even though it's another one of those uncomfortable situations that one has to endure in pursuit of dreams and stuff.

I have no complaints, but part of me is leery.  That is life.  I have found the Germans more accepting of me, but I'm thinking that has to do with my true appreciation of their culture and attempts at the language.  I've already offended at least two Americans and I arrived at 8 am Thursday (German time).  Yes, I'm that talented :D  The only German to be upset by me was this annoying flight attendant on the Lufthansa flight and she didn't like how I pronounced the word for right.

I think I'll keep this blog up to date.  I think it will be good for me and fun to document this life time dream.

Concerts, Military Moves, and Aspergers

If you don't know, I have Aspergers.  Was finally officially diagnosed about a month into therapy for my PTSD.  When trauma happens in childhood, it can be hard to distinguish between the two.  However, it happened.  The military doesn't have record, and that has helped with our move overseas.  I'm glad, I had a hard enough time with my neuro and GI to get there.  My life long dream has been to be an astronaut and live in Europe, so moving to Germany meets half of that.

So how do concerts fit in?  Well if you know ANYTHING about Aspergers, you know it is on the Autism spectrum and one of the big things is sound.  One thing that has always put me at odds with myself is that if loud noises are music then I'm ok, especially in a concert setting.  I won't get into the almost fight I got into tonight, just that I miss moshpits, they let out a lot of aggression a lot of us Aspies feel, but I have to say there is a big difference between music being super loud and you expect it, and sudden loud sounds.

This move has me so discombobulated that I have even a harder time focusing.  It's become so bad that I let laundry slide for almost 10 days (and even though there are only 2 of us, we produce 2 loads in 4 days!) and slipped up on sweeping.  I hate that this move has me so all over the place that I can't focus more than someone with ADHD and something else that makes you not able to do more than one task at a time and then forget what the next task is.

Aspergers shades everything.  It's always shaded my social interactions, and moving to a completely different culture and the Americans, my supposed brethren, is my biggest hurdle.  I've lived in Colorado, surrounded by military spouses, for almost 3 years, and I can count my friends on less than 2 hands.  And my very first friend here committed suicide 2 months ago on the 14th.  *le sigh* Seriously, I'm so scared of making friends in Germany with American women that I have slacked on my household duties.  I'm freaked out.  I seriously hope that I can meet some not trashy crazy chick when I get there.  Though I have ZERO qualms making friends with the Germans.  I do miss Bert.

Sad News

Seems that I have been getting a lot of sad news lately.  In August I got the dreaded call that my 17 year old cousin had passed.  I still do not have all the details, my understanding is a possible overdose.  Then on September 6th, when I went to email a friend that we were on our way back to Colorado, we had been in Texas for about 4 weeks, I found out she was dead.  It was apparent suicide, and that's another blog post that has proven very difficult to write, but needs to be.  Today, I got a call from my friend that I gave my ferrets to that Polar Bear has passed away.  I gave my ferrets to her because we're moving to Germany, and at the time we were supposed to move to Germany in early September.  She was moving to Tennessee and had the space and the love to care for my babies.  Polar Bear was at least 6 years old, according to his vet, and I just did not feel right putting him the belly of a plane for 14+ hours, even with his buddy Juliet.  With his passing, I know that I did the right thing.  He lived out his last days with kids, playing and having a good old time.  Even today, before he passed, he had been running around being his silly self.  My friend put the babies in their cage so they could eat, and while they ate Juliet started making a ruckus.  They did the usual "Juliet, we're trying to eat" but she just would not stop.  So her adoptive daddy went to the cage and he was gone.

Polar Bear lived a long life for a ferret.  He even out lived his cage mate, Sable, by two years.  In ferret time, that's like us outliving our spouse by 20+ years.  He had many friends and fans.  His friends were all small children and he would let them lift him by his tail, pet his head just a bit too hard, and handle him probably a bit too roughly, and he LOVED every second of it.  He enjoyed all of his time with anyone that would pay him attention.  He touched many lives, especially mine.  He's now over the Rainbow Bridge, dookin it up with his mate, Sable, again.  He really did mourn her when she left us so suddenly December 17, 2010.  She was only 2, but he had bonded with her as if they had been together for decades.  He moped and would not eat at times, pining away for her.  But Polar Bear and I got passed her death together and he helped me deal with my brain being wired funny.  I know Juliet will miss him, but she was a lone ferret before him and she will be ok without him.  Polar Bear thrived on having a companion.  Juliet is apparently already dancing and playing again, though I'm sure her heart is hurting.

They say death comes in threes, I think this is my 3 for now.  I'm still grieving pretty heavily for my friend.  She was my very first friend in Colorado, but like I said, that's a post for another day.  But I think right now, I'm ok for my big move.  Yep, think I'll be ok.  Soon, you, my faithful reader, will hear my thoughts on suicide and the military since my friend was a soldier.  I am going to make a concentrated effort to write much more because I've found it very therapeutic.  Plus, I write better than most of those selling books on Amazon for Kindle at 99 cents each.

Note to the Wise

This blog is fixing to become quit serious and/or different than you are used to, my loyal readers.  I know I have been negligent of my blogs.  However in the best interest of my well being, I'm going to be working on and posting more often and I want to prepare you.  Right now I'm dealing with A LOT.  Between 2 overdoses in my circle of influences and dealing with the Army, I have been struggling with quite a bit.  My only solace in all of this is my husband.  He annoys the shit out of me, but he is a my pillar in these trying times.  Do not expect anything Biblical, but expect my normal candor.  I've missed blogging in a way.

Anticon. Shirts are Hot

I should have stole your shirt when I had the chance

Cuz now I want to wear it and dance

To the beat of my new found drum

That rings with new sounds that are the sum

Of all the heart ache and dignity lost

That I allowed you to exhaust

(originally written 11/2009)

I'm Easily Amused

I find that my article on Marvin Harris has so many more views almost 3 years after I originally posted it than any of my new posts!  I love it!  I'm glad that my piece on Marvin Harris and Cannibals and Kings has people so intrigued!  I'm glad to see that others like cannibals and Harris as much as I do :D  Seriously, that makes me happy.  I have many things I address in this blog but this one makes me the happiest!

Triggers

For the first time in my entire life, I actually understand what a trigger really is.  However, my opinion still stands.  To use a trigger as an excuse is unexcuseable!  I've finally been diagnosed with PTSD and have triggers.  However, I do not allow my triggers to control what I expose myself to or who or how I interact with others.  Yes, people accidentally trigger me but it is not THEIR responsibility to mind their words.  It is MY responsibility to mind how I react to those triggers.  Do my triggers affect my relationship? Yes, they do.  Who's responsibility is in my relationship to mind my actions? MINE!  So if you have triggers, it is YOUR responsibility to control YOUR actions, not those around you to mind what they say and do.  Just saying

I have no room to talk but.........

I have no room to talk but if you are going to say the trauma in your life has shaped you into the confused, fucked up, overly emotional person you are today, please, for the love of all that is holy, make sure that the only trauma in your life is NOT your momma not lovin you enough!  Unless you've gone through MULTIPLE sexual abuses, followed by physical abuse, followed by being stalked WHILE being abused by one of your parents, WHILE being sexually abused still, followed by physical abuse, followed by bullying, followed by adult rape.... oh yeah, this doesn't even cover it..... yet I still act like a sane, rational human while in public.  The only person that has to deal with my regressions is my husband, who is the 2nd most patient human you've ever met, only trumped by my step-dad (who I call Dad), because he is the only person that I TRUST enough to act like this.  I CHOOSE to act like an ADULT in public.  If you are acting like a 3 year old while in public and are my age than maybe you should seek therapy.  I sought it, only because I wasn't acting my AGE in PRIVATE.  I got a grip a long time ago and I'm so sick of seeing people around my age say that DUE to abuse they went through they are sad fucks with no potential.  HELLO! You only had Mummy hit you ONCE with a brush or a rolling pin, get the fuck over it!

To those that don't understand abuse... don't worry, you grew up adjusted and probably HELPED those that were being abused in so many ways overcome what they were going through (Jenny, you helped me growing up more than you'll ever know).  And even those who may have been going through less but still abuse, you helped those going through worse than you.  I know when we were all younger we didn't talk about what was going on at home, but we kind of all knew who was going through hell and who wasn't.  We all affected each other in such great ways, even the bullies helped you develop.  So those who try to say they are weak and feeble for what they went through, go ahead and just off yourself because you obviously have ZERO strength and will die after a paper cut of reality anyways, so finish it.  Do you know after all I've gone through how many times I've attempted suicide? ZERO! Yeah, you heard that right, I've attempted suicide ZERO times.  Do you know why?  Because I knew that suicide is a cowards way out and running away was way easier

Ok, my points have ran out and I'm sure Ive pissed off some folks, good, life goes on