Saturday, June 26, 2010

Something I Realized

Before you start jumping to outrageous conclusions about B, perceive things from his point of view.

Every time we have a good night, whether it's his family here, a night out with friends, or the ball tonight, when we get home, I start a fight.  I won't say that it is on purpose.  It's not.  But, I've never been with a man that has cared as much as him and I've never had someone hold me to my word.  So what is that we argue about more than anything?  My smoking... I said I was going to quit.  And I did, until school got too much to handle and then I picked them up heavily like... well a bad habit.  So we get on this beef about it and before you know it I'm pissed off and he's not acknowledging my side of the argument at all.  He sees it his way and I see it mine. The real issue is that I refuse to listen to his side or he refuses to listen to mine.

And tonight it started after the ball with a wrestling match, which was fun, until it got too rough for my liking... Though the key here is that I would, on another occasion, flown with the punches.  See, our interactions don't change much unless it's on an exceptionally good night...

Am I sabotaging a great thing?  Possibly... It wouldn't be the first time... I'm known for it actually... I'm pretty sure that if Gary had survived, I would have ruined that relationship as well since I don't know how to be treated right... I know too many females that allow their men to run all over them.  B doesn't do that.  Like I said, our only real issue, besides deployment, is my smoking.  Sure I've cut down drastically, I said I was quitting and haven't quit... There is a drastic difference between the two... Sigh

Why do I push him away like this? I seriously do start shit when we are having a good night... How do I stop it though?  He's leaving soon and the fighting has got to stop... It's not all the time, but it's enough that I now what I'm doing at this point.  Someone help me.  How do I keep from blowing up when he brings up that one thing that gets me extremely bothered.  Honestly, it's the smoking subject that gets me the most upset and leads to fighting... And by fighting I mean me flailing my arms about and raising my voice... Sigh


Jenny Georgio-who said...

A few of my friends and my sister are in a similar situation regarding smoking. What I don't understand AT ALL is that their boyfriends/husbands met them WHILE smoking, dated them WHILE smoking, and have MARRIED them WHILE smoking. Why do you suddenly want them to quit?

I understand for health reasons or when trying to have a baby but its YOUR habit and YOU should quit when YOU want to. Not because some guy told you to (yes some guy be it your friend, boyfriend, or husband).

As I've told you on a few other occasions I seriously think that B has anger issues and maybe that stems from being in the military but he really don't treat you as well as he should...especially given as long as you two have known each other and everything you went through.

I don't think he deserves a girl like you and I think you rushed into this marriage. You have KNOWN him for 10+ years but you haven't dated him, lived with him, etc for that long. Feel free to tell me to mind my own business, its just my opinion.

PitChiK said...

With regards to the smoking, I gave my word that I was going to quit smoking and at one point did. Some people think that breaking your word is a very bad thing. Again, I said I was goin to quit, did for a few months, picked it back up and haven't quit again, despite my continued saying I'm quitting... B's only holding me accountable for my words.

I think I have more anger issues than B since I was the one raising MY voice & flailing around MY hands. B sat there and talked in a calm collected voice and at one point even said "I'm not going to continue you this conversation with you until you calm down". I continued to be loud and obnoxious and flailing my arms around.

Jenny Georgio-who said...

To me, and like I said, this is just my opinion. It often seems like you complain about B because you know that he is treating you wrong and then YOU try to find excuses for his behavior. I dunno, its just my opinion.