Something I Realized

Before you start jumping to outrageous conclusions about B, perceive things from his point of view.

Every time we have a good night, whether it's his family here, a night out with friends, or the ball tonight, when we get home, I start a fight.  I won't say that it is on purpose.  It's not.  But, I've never been with a man that has cared as much as him and I've never had someone hold me to my word.  So what is that we argue about more than anything?  My smoking... I said I was going to quit.  And I did, until school got too much to handle and then I picked them up heavily like... well a bad habit.  So we get on this beef about it and before you know it I'm pissed off and he's not acknowledging my side of the argument at all.  He sees it his way and I see it mine. The real issue is that I refuse to listen to his side or he refuses to listen to mine.

And tonight it started after the ball with a wrestling match, which was fun, until it got too rough for my liking... Though the key here is that I would, on another occasion, flown with the punches.  See, our interactions don't change much unless it's on an exceptionally good night...

Am I sabotaging a great thing?  Possibly... It wouldn't be the first time... I'm known for it actually... I'm pretty sure that if Gary had survived, I would have ruined that relationship as well since I don't know how to be treated right... I know too many females that allow their men to run all over them.  B doesn't do that.  Like I said, our only real issue, besides deployment, is my smoking.  Sure I've cut down drastically, I said I was quitting and haven't quit... There is a drastic difference between the two... Sigh

Why do I push him away like this? I seriously do start shit when we are having a good night... How do I stop it though?  He's leaving soon and the fighting has got to stop... It's not all the time, but it's enough that I now what I'm doing at this point.  Someone help me.  How do I keep from blowing up when he brings up that one thing that gets me extremely bothered.  Honestly, it's the smoking subject that gets me the most upset and leads to fighting... And by fighting I mean me flailing my arms about and raising my voice... Sigh

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I want to complain, but won't

I had to drop B off on post at 3 am this morning and I really wanted to whine about having to be alone for a week.  However, when I got back from dropping him off I saw a buddy of mine on Twitter's heartbreaking tweets about having to drop off her husband at the airport so he could go back to his deployment.  I can't complain.

B's coming back on Sunday and we'll have at least a month together before we start the deployment.  In addition, the deployment, though hard it may be, won't affect us quite like it does other couples.  We spent much of the last 13 years apart, on basically opposite sides of the country.  We have experience in long stretches of time apart.  My heart breaks for those who have never spent more than a weekend apart or less.  They've never had to worry like they do now.  I honestly can't imagine that for myself.  I'm used to being alone but most spouses are not.  I'm used to wondering if he's ok without me.  I'm used to knowing he's thinking of me so far away.  But most people don't know that feeling.  Most people don't know what it's like or how to cope with that sort of thing.  I'm not saying that the deployment is going to be easy for me.  I've gotten used to B's presence and his smell and his constant chatter.  I know he'll be in harms way, but to have experience being apart versus never being apart?  We have that... even with him being in harms way.  I'll never forget when I didn't hear from him for a year and it was due to him almost dying in Alaska.  I was so pissed for the longest I didn't hear from him and when I did, I got pissed at myself for not being more understanding.

Thinking on what some of those I chat with on a regular basis makes me realize how lucky I really have it.  I'm hear for anyone that needs an outlet to vent about the deployment they're going through.  I can give you advice from my experiences being so far from my hubby, though not a deployment...

An important note: all those years apart we spent, we weren't a couple, but really good friends.  However, that doesn't change that he loved me (and has since he was 14) and I loved him.