The Raven

The calls through the trees

Echoing against the snow

Is it a call to action

A call to come back to the fold?

The murder waits for the response

But the raven replies not

He sits, waiting

Through the veil between words

To aid the one who calls

He chooses the one

And will go and sit

On a shoulder and whisper in their ear

Waiting in Winterland

To assist when need be

The one needs his guidance

To understand the world in the air

To enjoy the little things, shiny

The others call to him

Awaiting to hear back

He informs the murder

As he brings them back to Winterland

A  replenishing of the soul

The one has been struggling

Among the rat race of the mundane

And he needs to teach them

Another lesson about grace

In the midst of the harsh winter grip

To overcome hardship

One must face the harshest winter

As the raven survives

In the vastness of the longest season

Silence of Winter

And we sit in relative silence
It echoing off each expression and shrug
The absence of contact exasperates
The solidity of the quiet
Why must there be this lack of sound
This lack of touch, feel
Even the expressions make no noise in the face
Just the changing of lines and orientation of features
When not moving, each sits in a neutral position
Saying nothing to the other's silent face
And this silence is deafening
Bouncing off the walls and down the halls
When will the joyous sounds return?

Uncertainty feeds this beast with no voice
Making those exposed question any change
Is there some meaning behind the echoes of nothing?
As if it we're out on the tundra in winter
With no sign of life, not even the wind
The only stirs are the movement of the air
As we pass each other, not touching
Only the breeze as we cut pass

Where are the blue birds of spring?
Their tweets breaking through
The first sprouts of the acorns that fell before the frost
When will they come and bring back the music,
The joy that once was that filled where silence is now

Life with Aspergers

I've learned that with years working behind the scenes, and apparently this includes the drive-thru at McDonald's, I have lost all ability to exchange money in a public environment.  I work now as a teller in a bank and have made two major mistakes.  One, I will blame on the system we use, and the other is because my brain had a "spasm" we use.  I was counting money today and said things like "cheese" when counting.  The "member" said that he was counting with me and that he knew I was right with what I was saying.  I was wrong.  I was jipping him and didn't know it.  I tried to explain to my coworker what was going on and still didn't make much sense.  My medication ran out for my seizures/migraines and was given a different release pill but have been given to the conclusion that I should wait until going to my new neuro before taking it.  All I know is that I have been making more mistakes of this measure lately.  I just want to be normal.

Rosie's Song

Please forgive mistakes.  I've been drinkin and it is 3 am here in Germany.  But, my mind keeps going to my friend NC that supposedly committed suicide.  I am not one to post a lot of links, but this a very good song for her, and anyone else any of use have lost in war.

Our Friends' Song from a great video game

Change and What Not

So we made it to Germany and I couldn't be happier.  For the most part it's been wonderful and a life long dream has come true!  Only down side has been all the time spent in crowded airports and the change itself, but life long dreams are so worth all the uncomfortable situations one goes through in pursuit of such things. German beer is awesome though.  I am sick of being in hotel rooms, even though it's another one of those uncomfortable situations that one has to endure in pursuit of dreams and stuff.

I have no complaints, but part of me is leery.  That is life.  I have found the Germans more accepting of me, but I'm thinking that has to do with my true appreciation of their culture and attempts at the language.  I've already offended at least two Americans and I arrived at 8 am Thursday (German time).  Yes, I'm that talented :D  The only German to be upset by me was this annoying flight attendant on the Lufthansa flight and she didn't like how I pronounced the word for right.

I think I'll keep this blog up to date.  I think it will be good for me and fun to document this life time dream.

Concerts, Military Moves, and Aspergers

If you don't know, I have Aspergers.  Was finally officially diagnosed about a month into therapy for my PTSD.  When trauma happens in childhood, it can be hard to distinguish between the two.  However, it happened.  The military doesn't have record, and that has helped with our move overseas.  I'm glad, I had a hard enough time with my neuro and GI to get there.  My life long dream has been to be an astronaut and live in Europe, so moving to Germany meets half of that.

So how do concerts fit in?  Well if you know ANYTHING about Aspergers, you know it is on the Autism spectrum and one of the big things is sound.  One thing that has always put me at odds with myself is that if loud noises are music then I'm ok, especially in a concert setting.  I won't get into the almost fight I got into tonight, just that I miss moshpits, they let out a lot of aggression a lot of us Aspies feel, but I have to say there is a big difference between music being super loud and you expect it, and sudden loud sounds.

This move has me so discombobulated that I have even a harder time focusing.  It's become so bad that I let laundry slide for almost 10 days (and even though there are only 2 of us, we produce 2 loads in 4 days!) and slipped up on sweeping.  I hate that this move has me so all over the place that I can't focus more than someone with ADHD and something else that makes you not able to do more than one task at a time and then forget what the next task is.

Aspergers shades everything.  It's always shaded my social interactions, and moving to a completely different culture and the Americans, my supposed brethren, is my biggest hurdle.  I've lived in Colorado, surrounded by military spouses, for almost 3 years, and I can count my friends on less than 2 hands.  And my very first friend here committed suicide 2 months ago on the 14th.  *le sigh* Seriously, I'm so scared of making friends in Germany with American women that I have slacked on my household duties.  I'm freaked out.  I seriously hope that I can meet some not trashy crazy chick when I get there.  Though I have ZERO qualms making friends with the Germans.  I do miss Bert.

Sad News

Seems that I have been getting a lot of sad news lately.  In August I got the dreaded call that my 17 year old cousin had passed.  I still do not have all the details, my understanding is a possible overdose.  Then on September 6th, when I went to email a friend that we were on our way back to Colorado, we had been in Texas for about 4 weeks, I found out she was dead.  It was apparent suicide, and that's another blog post that has proven very difficult to write, but needs to be.  Today, I got a call from my friend that I gave my ferrets to that Polar Bear has passed away.  I gave my ferrets to her because we're moving to Germany, and at the time we were supposed to move to Germany in early September.  She was moving to Tennessee and had the space and the love to care for my babies.  Polar Bear was at least 6 years old, according to his vet, and I just did not feel right putting him the belly of a plane for 14+ hours, even with his buddy Juliet.  With his passing, I know that I did the right thing.  He lived out his last days with kids, playing and having a good old time.  Even today, before he passed, he had been running around being his silly self.  My friend put the babies in their cage so they could eat, and while they ate Juliet started making a ruckus.  They did the usual "Juliet, we're trying to eat" but she just would not stop.  So her adoptive daddy went to the cage and he was gone.

Polar Bear lived a long life for a ferret.  He even out lived his cage mate, Sable, by two years.  In ferret time, that's like us outliving our spouse by 20+ years.  He had many friends and fans.  His friends were all small children and he would let them lift him by his tail, pet his head just a bit too hard, and handle him probably a bit too roughly, and he LOVED every second of it.  He enjoyed all of his time with anyone that would pay him attention.  He touched many lives, especially mine.  He's now over the Rainbow Bridge, dookin it up with his mate, Sable, again.  He really did mourn her when she left us so suddenly December 17, 2010.  She was only 2, but he had bonded with her as if they had been together for decades.  He moped and would not eat at times, pining away for her.  But Polar Bear and I got passed her death together and he helped me deal with my brain being wired funny.  I know Juliet will miss him, but she was a lone ferret before him and she will be ok without him.  Polar Bear thrived on having a companion.  Juliet is apparently already dancing and playing again, though I'm sure her heart is hurting.

They say death comes in threes, I think this is my 3 for now.  I'm still grieving pretty heavily for my friend.  She was my very first friend in Colorado, but like I said, that's a post for another day.  But I think right now, I'm ok for my big move.  Yep, think I'll be ok.  Soon, you, my faithful reader, will hear my thoughts on suicide and the military since my friend was a soldier.  I am going to make a concentrated effort to write much more because I've found it very therapeutic.  Plus, I write better than most of those selling books on Amazon for Kindle at 99 cents each.