NANO Has Me Writing Again... Kinda

I'm participating in NANO again this year, hopefully doing better than in previous years.  And it's reminded me I need to write more.  I have neglected this and my other blogs.  But there's another reason for that, my back.  I'm so sick and tired of my back hurting all the damn time!  Seriously!  Today, I switched to my old muscle relaxers to get some work done because my new, and better, ones were just not relaxing that muscle in my back that's decided it needs to spasm constantly.  And do the doctors actually do anything for me? No!  I get treated like a pill popper and handed muscle relaxers that barely work.  They don't test for anything and just treat me like I'm out for pain pills.  No, I'm out for a reason why my back has been giving me hell since April!  I'm so frustrated and I'm on the verge of crying again.  I'm so sick of it.  I'm sick of the pain.

And that's not all!  I've been informed that I am lazy because I don't have a job, repeatedly.  This is NOT from my husband, but from other sources.   Yes, I don't have a kid to take care of and yes I have a college degree so you would think there would be no reason for me to be out of work.  Well guess what?  That college degree is one of the reasons I do NOT have a job!!!  And I've been looking for work for well over a year and I'm so sick of not working.  My business isn't doing well and I can't keep my student loans on deferment forever.  I'm so sick of being unemployed.  I WANT a job!  I want to work!  I don't want to sit here in my house day in and day out looking for work and not able to obtain it.  I'm so sick of people making assumptions about why I'm unemployed and then running their mouths about it.  Who are you to judge ME???  And it's even coming back to my husband about how there's no excuse for me not to be working.  Yeah, not cool!  I don't know who's saying what, and I honestly don't care, but I'm sick of it.  So not only am I in pain EVERY day but I've got to deal with douchebags talking shit about me behind my back or to my husband that don't even know what I'm going through or how hard I'm trying.  I've even applied to retail jobs and call centers!  I'm applying to jobs at my work level and below!  I've even applied for jobs outside my field.  I soooooo hope that if I'm friends with someone who knows one of the people talking about my lack of work they will inform these people talking about my lack of job that I am in fact trying.  I've had job interviews but not a job.

Ugh, I'm just frustrated and in pain and sick of hearing about how horrible of a person I am from others

Wow

I just saw that one of my young friends lost their husband today.  They're in their twenties and have a young daughter, and she is now a widow.  I'm crying.  I never met her or her husband, but I've been friends with her online for almost two years.  I can not imagine what she's going through, what the baby is going through.  I have no words to give her... What do you say to a young woman who just lost the love of their life?  What do you say to a 3 year old who just lost their daddy?  What do you say to a young woman who loses their husband to illness at such a young age?  I know what to say to someone who's spouse is killed in an accident or is murdered, I've been there, but what do you say to someone who loses someone at such an early age to health issues?  I have no idea

I've seen Mary

Originally posted on Tumblr (here though no text has been changed)

This post isn’t about my religious preferences, as obviously they’re inconsequential seeing as I had a Virgin Mary experience and I am NOT Catholic.  

On December 17th, my beloved ferret Sable passed away suddenly after a very short bout with lymphoma.  I buried her on a very frosty day, digging with just a gardening spade while it was snowing, in our flower bed, just behind the AC unit that is front of the flower bed.  I placed 3 rocks as markers, 2 rocks to stay there and 1 the shape of a heart that I plan to keep taking with me every where (I’ve had this rock, it’s granite, since 2001, got it just before 9/11 actually).  Polar Bear and I would visit the rocks occasionally, and at night I would look at them when I knew my husband wasn’t going to call.  One night, before I went home for Christmas, I stood out there on the patio, near the markers, quite upset.  I looked at the markers and saw the Virgin Mary, in a red robe, holding my Sable.  Sable was at peace and Mary looked down on her smiling.  The vision was brief, but it has stuck with me.  

Friday, 8/5, I was standing on my patio.  As I stood there, a sense of foreboding struck me and as I looked out over the parking lot, the lights started going off one by one.  We’re talking, full on Constantine like stuff!  The need to say Hail Marys struck me and without thinking I began saying them.  As the words flowed from my mouth, no stopping despite the fight you could feel in the air, the lights started slowly coming back on.  As the last light came on and the fight ended, and the final Hail Mary came from my lips, a single shooting star appeared, but it was too low to be a real shooting star.  It was much lower in the sky, but not poop coming out of a plane close… it’s really hard to explain how I knew it was special, other than the strange play of events just prior, but the shooting star graced the sky as I finished the last Hail Mary.  

I know this is a huge deal, even if I was Catholic, but being a non-Catholic, I know this is a rare thing.  I am just sick of people telling me that it wasn’t Mary, Mother of God, and that it’s Mary Magdalene.  No, I am 100% sure it was the Virgin Mary, Mary, Mother of God.  I can not, for the life of me, get anyone to tell me what the significance of Mary in a red robe is.  I hope I eventually figure this out.

An Update

I haven't posted here in ages and I feel like a horrible blog owner in doing so.  I have been working on several blogs though and so my blogger accounts have been neglected.  In addition, my husband made it home and I think his presence has helped get me back to writing again.  I've caught up on my writing projects across my three blogger blogs and my three Tumblr blogs.  Blogger has been neglected due to Tumblr, but I think I'm finding a balance between Twitter, Facebook, Blogger, and Tumblr.  There are so many options to express my thoughts and it becomes a little overwhelming at times but I'm slowly, ever so slowly, getting those thoughts organized and into the right blogs.

I just had to take a break from writing this as my newest ferret Juliet decided to climb into the game/movie drawers of our entertainment center.  She's such a goober like that.  She's always getting into things.  She's helped Polar Bear tremendously though and he's almost to pre-Sable's death energy levels, especially now that B's home.  Have I mentioned how truly blessed I am to have him here?  We've had our ups and downs since his return, but that is all part of the readjustment phase and things are probably better than ever.

Well, back to working on my Etsy shop.  This is where much of my free time goes when I'm not watching tv or playing video games.

Marriage and Other Such Things

So, I read this article on Cracked.com about some "religious" websites they found humorous or just hard on the eyes.  I ended up looking at all of them.  The first site was one that the concept was awesome, the concept of the woman warrior for God, but the execution of the concept failed, and miserably.  The other site that I've spent much of my evening on was this Hell Fire and Brimstone site that is one step below the insanity that is Westboro "Baptist Church".  (I put that in quotes because I do not think that Westboro is Christian or a reflection of the Baptist movement at all).  Most of this second site has me cracking up because of its insistence on everything being evil, but the part that gets me really going is their "women's page".  (You can see for yourself here).  Most of this is how feminism is evil and it's ruining women, but there was one article that I actually agreed with and I will address it now.  The article was on marriage and the relationship between a woman and her husband on a Christian level.  However, this wasn't one of those brow beating articles, no, this woman wrote about how as a wife, our relationship with our husband should be our number one human relationship.

How the article was written, I took it that most people aren't best friends with their husbands.  I knew a long ago that I could only marry my best friend, and put off marrying mine for quite some time.  I think we're better for it in the end.  My putting off marriage to B was good for us.  I got my party out, learned to appreciate the friend I have in B, and learned conflict resolution skills within a relationship before we were together.  In addition, B was able to show me just how much he truly cares for me and is dedicated to me.  Obviously, I'm going to take religion out of this topic at this point.  I personally have "eccentric" beliefs that the site admin for the original site I was on would consider Satanic, and my husband is agnostic.  My husband actually likes the fact that I can think for myself when it comes to spirituality and that I have really never been one to push my beliefs on others and I won't now.  However, I will push my feelings on marriage on everyone.  The author of the article I've been talking about made a very good point that we should be best friends with our husbands.  How she said it though, you would think that most people don't do this.  If this is the case though it is no wonder that divorce is so rampant, in both the Christian and other communities!  A foundation of friendship between spouses is what is going to secure your relationship long into old age.  Being physically attracted to your spouse is great, but when gravity starts taking its toll on the body and your body starts to fail you, if you have a relationship based in friendship you will still have a relationship.  However, if you do not have that friendship, you're going to run out of things you have in common when sex is just not an option.

Another point the author made was that wives should put their husbands above their children.  I completely agree with this.  No, I do not have kids of my own yet.  However, I find that one of the problems many married couples have is that they put their children above their relationship.  This is a problem.  When you neglect your relationship with your spouse due to children, you are wearing away at that foundation when the children are gone.  However, it is a balancing act!  As I told my mom earlier, I think that as a couple parents should put their children first, however as individuals they should put each other first.  I know this sounds contradictory, but it's not.  As a couple, you are one.  However, you are both individuals.  As an individual, you should put your spouse first.  When you address your children, you should do so as a couple and they should come first to a point.  If your children's activities are taking away from family time and couple time (say your kids are in so many activities that all you do as a family is go from one activity to another), then your priorities as a couple and family are off.  You can disagree with me if you like, I don't care.

Ok, I think I've rambled on enough.  At least I know my spelling is correct

I'm going to complain

As much as I whine, I really don't complain.  Right now, I want to complain.  Why is it that everyone wants you to come over to their place but they'll never come hang out with you?  I'm not talking about anyone in particular. I'm just venting.  I'm lonely and bored, despite having tons to do around the house.  I was looking forward to going out tonight, but the plans got changed.  I'm not upset about that, not at all actually, I'm upset that every fuckin time I ask anyone to come over and just visit, no one ever does.  Now, if others want me to come visit do I?  Usually I do unless I'm sick or I'm tired of hanging out with that person because they've been annoying me.  Anywho!  I just don't get why I have to beg for people to hang out with me and then no one will anyways.  People say that they like me and that I'm one of the best friends they've ever had and yet I can't get people to hang out with me at my house.  I'm so proud of myself for having this wonderful place, keepin it up, and NOT living with my parents.  I'm not sure why people don't want to come to my house, but it does bug me.  And yes, I'm cryin over here.  I don't need people feeling sorry for me, but damn.

Sable

I would have posted this sooner, but Sable's passing came so close to my trip to Texas for the Christmas holiday that I just couldn't get to it.  I thought I would share Sable's last days with you.  Sable went in for surgery and they found the mass was her spleen and she had a fatty liver.  Biopsy came back while I was in Texas that she had lymphoma and with her passing, I think it was for the best.

The first night was easy enough, she curled up in my summer clothes, staining a white shirt, but was comfortable and slept peacefully the entire night.  The next day she seemed a bit groggy, but who wouldn't after having major surgery.  I made her eat and drink and she took her medicine.  She curled up with me on the floor.  However by day 3 she was very slow and extremely groggy.  I took her in to the vet and they gave her fluids and told me to skip her pain meds.  It really seemed that was it.  She was only a pound and that means it's really hard to determine exactly how quickly her body would metabolize pain medication.  That night though, I knew it was the end.  She would only lay and hardly moved.  When she did her "business" right where she was sleeping, I knew that she would not make it through the night.  I held her and told her that she had to make it.  Daddy wanted to see her and he would be home in a couple weeks.  She just had to make it.  I was crying and she kissed my cheek.  She gave me this look, such a sweet look, that said to me "mommy, I tried, but this battle is just too much.  Tell daddy I love him and I'm sorry that I couldn't be there when he came home.  I wanted to smell his feet and steal his socks."  She laid back down, after taking water and food by syringe, and went to sleep.  She slept peacefully and passed in her sleep.  That morning was one of the toughest mornings I've had in a long time.  She's now got a nice grave and in our hearts as the sweet, loving ferret she was.  She really was my sweet girl.  Polar Bear is now a lonely boy but we're making the best of it. He's slowly getting used to me loving on him like I would Sable, but he still won't sit on my shoulders.  Sable loved hanging out up there.  RIP lil one, we all will miss you.

I would like to thank all of those who helped with the extra expense of her vet bills.  You're help was amazing and I was able to cover her expenses thanks to you!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Sable and the boot 

Sable's grave site