It's Been a Hot Minute

Once again I've neglected this blog, and I do apologize.  Life in Germany has been something... special.  If my poetry I posted earlier this year is any indication, there have been some troubles.  I won't publicly discuss the happening in April, but I'm ok with what happened, and boundaries have been set.  (If you know, you know)

Since being in Germany, I've visited a few places, but not nearly enough.  I finally left Germany earlier in July.  I spent a week in Amsterdam, camping on the east side of town at a place called Camp Zeeburg.  I absolutely LOVED it!  I pitched my tent right by the water and was greeted in the morning by the birds, and one morning a spider.  I explored Amsterdam by foot and public transit, and rode a Dutch style bike (cruiser bike) through a park in Zeeburg.  The entire experience was both spiritually uplifting and physically invigorating.

Waterfront near Zeeburg

What I haven't expressed in this blog, as it's been crazy around these parts, is my shift back to paganism.  Don't preach at me, cuz I will and have out debated both sides of the argument for years.  Anywho!  When I say that Amsterdam was a spiritual trip I am not lying.  Since being in Germany I have found that the old gods are here like you would never believe and I know where our fairy tales come from and why they were written the way they were.  The sight of ravens gathered on snow is one of the most amazing sights you will ever see, if you're not afraid of birds.  Snow weighing down boughs of trees as the sun dances off them is moving.  The entire world is different in those moments.  I'm also in a part of Germany that, way way long ago, was the intersection of the Norse and Celts.  I can tell you that makes for some interesting experiences.  Needless to say, you can't just assume something you are dealing with is one of the things you dealt with back in the States.  You have to research.

I also have had the privilege of meeting some wonderful people who've helped me grow spiritually, both my gifts and my heart, here and I'm so thankful.  Before leaving Colorado, I had the wonderful opportunity to be gifted a few tarot decks and they have helped tremendously in figuring out what I'm dealing with.  I've learned that "evil" is relative and is about perception.  You really have to flex your sensing "muscles" before banishing anything, but always have your guards up.  I've learned the art of wards in a way I never thought possible in Texas.  I've discussed before, maybe not here, the craziness that is Texas on a spiritual level, and this is totally different.  Maybe one day I'll tell the story of how I met Loki or how I met Morrigan back in Texas all those years ago, but I won't go into that now or into the fey, alfar, and elementals that are around here.

I have plans this weekend to visit Rothenburg and in September I'm planning on going to Romania.  I've decided that camping through Europe is the best way for me to go.  Not only is it WAY cheaper than hotels and hostels, but you get to commune with nature, the old trees and waterways that make up the stories we were told as small children, in a way you would never experience staying in a brick and motor building.  When I go to Rome, I've already found a beach front camping site I will use.  Thanks to my experience in Amsterdam, I'm no longer apprehensive of staying near water.  I've learned a way to keep water spirits, which in my experience are the most likely to be nasty and/or evil things.  I can't wait to be on that beach near a city I only fantasized about in Latin class 16 years ago.  To be near a place that is ancient, but no where near as ancient as places just south on the other side of the Mediterranean.

I could go on in length about the beauty that surrounds me, and I will probably go on ad nauseum in future post about just that.  I'm in awe.  My camera can not capture the essence of what I see, even if I had a fancy DSLR.

One last note before I close this post:  I have finally found myself in a position as a leader of a spiritual group.  When I was young, I always knew I had the potential for something like that; however, as I got older, I became lackadaisical, but also apprehensive about being a leader other than in the work place.  I'm afraid I'll give bad information or scare people off with some of my more controversial ideas, i.e. evil being relative and all the fey/alfar stuff, oh and chaos magic and practices.  However, I'm finding that, despite my social issues, people respect me and listen.  This is truly humbling and makes me take pause at exactly what I say and not just pop off with whatever comes to mind.  I also make sure to point out that what I'm saying is unverified personal gnosis (UPG in future posts) so that those I'm talking to know that, though it is my personal experience, there is no historical evidence, at the moment, to verify my beliefs.  I think much of what we call dogma, though one can show passages here and there to prove one's point, is UPG since many ancient, holy texts have repeatedly been mistranslated or the parts people use are taken wholly out of context.  I'm so blessed to live this experience.  And the best part is, B almost literally pushes me out of the house, forcing me to face my fears and social anxieties to overcome them and experience my dream like I would never do before.  I'm finding that I can actually be alone and be happy.  I give that all to him, and a really good friend I met here.

The Storm

There’s an ache in my soul

Driven by the pain we share

Whatever is driving us apart

Is breaking my soul in two

Driving into the rocks of despair

How did it get to this place?

Pin pointing the moment

It all fell apart

Seems to be just out of reach

No lifeboat to be seen

Tell me how we can fix this

To bring things back

To the beginning

When things were fresh

Like the spring streams

I want back my friend

The one who guided me through

The darkest of my days

But the mast has broken in two

The sails not catching

There’s a silence prevailing

Like the El Nino winds

And the downpour is flooding

My heart, breaking the levees

I want the calm

That settles after the storm

Not the one foretelling

The disastrous damage

Sad News

Seems that I have been getting a lot of sad news lately.  In August I got the dreaded call that my 17 year old cousin had passed.  I still do not have all the details, my understanding is a possible overdose.  Then on September 6th, when I went to email a friend that we were on our way back to Colorado, we had been in Texas for about 4 weeks, I found out she was dead.  It was apparent suicide, and that's another blog post that has proven very difficult to write, but needs to be.  Today, I got a call from my friend that I gave my ferrets to that Polar Bear has passed away.  I gave my ferrets to her because we're moving to Germany, and at the time we were supposed to move to Germany in early September.  She was moving to Tennessee and had the space and the love to care for my babies.  Polar Bear was at least 6 years old, according to his vet, and I just did not feel right putting him the belly of a plane for 14+ hours, even with his buddy Juliet.  With his passing, I know that I did the right thing.  He lived out his last days with kids, playing and having a good old time.  Even today, before he passed, he had been running around being his silly self.  My friend put the babies in their cage so they could eat, and while they ate Juliet started making a ruckus.  They did the usual "Juliet, we're trying to eat" but she just would not stop.  So her adoptive daddy went to the cage and he was gone.

Polar Bear lived a long life for a ferret.  He even out lived his cage mate, Sable, by two years.  In ferret time, that's like us outliving our spouse by 20+ years.  He had many friends and fans.  His friends were all small children and he would let them lift him by his tail, pet his head just a bit too hard, and handle him probably a bit too roughly, and he LOVED every second of it.  He enjoyed all of his time with anyone that would pay him attention.  He touched many lives, especially mine.  He's now over the Rainbow Bridge, dookin it up with his mate, Sable, again.  He really did mourn her when she left us so suddenly December 17, 2010.  She was only 2, but he had bonded with her as if they had been together for decades.  He moped and would not eat at times, pining away for her.  But Polar Bear and I got passed her death together and he helped me deal with my brain being wired funny.  I know Juliet will miss him, but she was a lone ferret before him and she will be ok without him.  Polar Bear thrived on having a companion.  Juliet is apparently already dancing and playing again, though I'm sure her heart is hurting.

They say death comes in threes, I think this is my 3 for now.  I'm still grieving pretty heavily for my friend.  She was my very first friend in Colorado, but like I said, that's a post for another day.  But I think right now, I'm ok for my big move.  Yep, think I'll be ok.  Soon, you, my faithful reader, will hear my thoughts on suicide and the military since my friend was a soldier.  I am going to make a concentrated effort to write much more because I've found it very therapeutic.  Plus, I write better than most of those selling books on Amazon for Kindle at 99 cents each.

The Email Exchange

So the friend I deleted's wife sent me an email through my friend's MySpace account, this is the exchange.  I will note that I never finished reading the email I received as I couldn't stand the grammar and spelling.... Here it is, please tell me I wasn't too harsh:

The email I received:

hi this is aunna im sorry to be wrighting u im sure ull erase this and not read it but thats ur choice..... any ways on the situation about u comming is not a good ideal at this time there are things going on that im not going to explain to u thats between me and my husband if he wants to tell u then so be it ............ any ways my trust level with steven is at a -100 ok .      it would be better if ur husband was comming it would be a better situation for us   and yes that is respect and its not bull shit  thats respect my husbend is trying to show me to re build my trust with him its a long process and im so sorry that its an inconveance to u but thats the way life is. im sure u would understand  if u lost trust w/ur hubby  theres just situations u cannot put ur spouce in when ur trying to fix somthing that has been shaddered ,may be later on in a year or so it wouldent be a problem for u to show up im just saying theres no reson to remove some one when u havent even asked what the prob is or ask why the visit is not recominded at this time. it makes me feel and think theres more to this visit than meeting me and kids for u to act that way and just wright steven off without knowing the details  and yes it would probly have been more respectfull if u would have written me and asked about a visit i would all ways respect the oppesets spouce in any situation like if we were to come there steven would respect ur marrage and talk to ur husband about it sence there was a relation ship between the two of u and if u dont under stand what im saying then so be it ..... but that did hurt my husbands feelings how u just wrote him off  and a true freand would ask why and not just wright u off.  its no skin off my back if u keeped us deleted but for my husband i just wanted u to know that how u did it with wrighting him off was BS and if there was more to this visit than just meeting the family then donot readd us or him to anything because thats how it seems to me.

My response:


Aunna (sorry if I misspelled your name) I don't care WHAT the excuse is.  I remember when I was with my ex and Steven had to "sneak" to call me because he was afraid you would be mad and you weren't even married.  I'm not a threat.  My fuckin husband is in Afghanistan or he would be with me.  I didn't even read all the email as I can NOT read such poor spelling and grammar.  It gives me a severe headache and I'm sorry, I have more important things to do than give myself a headache due to someone who can't use the built in spell check that comes with your browser and computer.  I deleted both of you because I cannot be friends with someone that I can't have contact with because their significant other doesn't trust them with a long time friend.  Sadly, this means that I have to hurt my long time friend who has been there when no one else was, even if my spouse was practically dead when I thought no one else was there.  Sure, I wasn't married to him then and in a relationship with someone else at the time, but Brandon, my husband and best friend, has always been there, even after I CHEATED on him in 99.  Yeah, if ANYONE has a reason to distrust someone, it would be my spouse.  I don't know what y'all are going through, and honestly at this time I don't care.  I only wanted to see y'all and meet YOU because I knew you had an issue with his friendship with me since the get-go.  My husband could die at the hands of a terrorist any day at any time and at no control of anyone because there are people out there that hate this country.  My biological father (Steven can tell you about what a louse he is) just got transferred to the prison in Snyder and I would have to go through Lubbock to get back to Colorado.  I NEVER, in a million years, thought there would be an issue with meeting in public to meet y'all.  And to be perfectly honest, it's not a respect thing.  No, it's a control thing on your part.  My husband actually encourages me to hang out with my male friends while he's away because he knows they are ONLY friends and that's with me cheating on him!  Yeah, take that in, swallow it, digest it, and shit it out.  I'm sorry that y'all are going through things, but from where I stand, it's been going on since I started dating my ex and that was over 4 years ago!  

And despite the anger and hurt I feel, I hope that you can work through what ever it is that y'all are going through and can have a happy and long marriage.

Peace, love, and blessings (despite the very negative feelings I'm feeling towards EVERYONE right now)

Christina WILKS (haven't been a Dunaway in 8 months)

Please mind the back story.  I've known Steven since 2001.  We did date, briefly, in 01 and again in 05.  I really don't count 05 since nothing ever happened and well, I kinda knew nothing was going to happen.  However, Steven was always there when Brandon couldn't be there via phone or email.  When I asked to come visit THEM, I even said in public.  I did not ask to see just Steven.  I didn't make any suggestion that B was going to be there.  I specifically said, multiple times that B was deployed on Facebook and MySpace.  I'm pissed even more than I was earlier, starting this morning than I was when Steven told me that I couldn't see them when I asked if I could meet them on my way back to Colorado.  Please, tell me I was wrong or right so that I can stop beating myself up over deleting him, but I am pretty much sure I was right.  I still haven't finished the email as I really can't finish the first few lines.


Thanks for listening!

Just an Update

Well, I'm pretty much settled here in Colorado.  For the most part I'm loving it.  There are things I miss about Texas, like my nieces and nephew.  I miss my friends, but I don't miss most of it, like the drama.  I've got my first of what will end up being many doctor appointments.  I'd normally not go and just tough it out, but I've promised many people that I'd go.  I know that I need to have the ol' brain examined.

Things are good between B and I for the most part.  I think most of any issues we may have stem mostly from my guilt over what happened 10 years ago.  I've really got to forgive myself and move on.  You add in that I'm so far from all I know and am not used to change.  This makes for a sometimes moody Christina.  I cried for the first time today.  I miss the kids more than anything.  I'm scared.  Between my health issues that aren't straight up in the forefront (which makes them easy to forget about at times) and the impending deployment, I'm at a bit of a loss.  I'm used to predictability.  I go by statistics, yet here the statistics aren't proven or solid.  There are too many variables that can affect the outcome of any of it.

I'm making some friends and that's good.  I don't know where everything is here yet though.  I'm also used to being treated like pure shit by men and so I've got my own ways of trying to sabotage a perfectly good thing with words.  Gotta love when you do that...  Man, I swear, I over think things and I make them sound way worse than they really are.  I know one thing I will NOT be saying to the doctor tomorrow, and that is about all my emotional issues.  If they get that info from my medical records at UTA, so be it, but I'm not volunteering that info.  They don't need to know what I used to deal with emotionally since that has no relevance or bearing on what is going on now.  I do know that I do get kinda upset thinking about my own time in the Army being around all these soldiers though.  That is complicated and this blog is not the place for that story.  I'm just glad that I have a couple of outlets for any of my military frustrations, especially at Army Spouse Life.  I still can't talk openly about my frustrations with my own military time.  I just deal with that in my own mind.

I'm just glad that I have B.  You know, even though we've had a couple of weird incidents (one is completely on B, the other completely on me), we're doing well.  I mean, we can sit on the couch and just watch tv and look at each other and it makes things better.  He had a bad day today and yet, looking at me put a smile on his face.  I was just in a mood though today.

Well, I'll definitely be posting what the doctor says and periodic posts on what is going on with that.  I know you guys will be there for me.