The Storm

There’s an ache in my soul

Driven by the pain we share

Whatever is driving us apart

Is breaking my soul in two

Driving into the rocks of despair

How did it get to this place?

Pin pointing the moment

It all fell apart

Seems to be just out of reach

No lifeboat to be seen

Tell me how we can fix this

To bring things back

To the beginning

When things were fresh

Like the spring streams

I want back my friend

The one who guided me through

The darkest of my days

But the mast has broken in two

The sails not catching

There’s a silence prevailing

Like the El Nino winds

And the downpour is flooding

My heart, breaking the levees

I want the calm

That settles after the storm

Not the one foretelling

The disastrous damage

Sable

I would have posted this sooner, but Sable's passing came so close to my trip to Texas for the Christmas holiday that I just couldn't get to it.  I thought I would share Sable's last days with you.  Sable went in for surgery and they found the mass was her spleen and she had a fatty liver.  Biopsy came back while I was in Texas that she had lymphoma and with her passing, I think it was for the best.

The first night was easy enough, she curled up in my summer clothes, staining a white shirt, but was comfortable and slept peacefully the entire night.  The next day she seemed a bit groggy, but who wouldn't after having major surgery.  I made her eat and drink and she took her medicine.  She curled up with me on the floor.  However by day 3 she was very slow and extremely groggy.  I took her in to the vet and they gave her fluids and told me to skip her pain meds.  It really seemed that was it.  She was only a pound and that means it's really hard to determine exactly how quickly her body would metabolize pain medication.  That night though, I knew it was the end.  She would only lay and hardly moved.  When she did her "business" right where she was sleeping, I knew that she would not make it through the night.  I held her and told her that she had to make it.  Daddy wanted to see her and he would be home in a couple weeks.  She just had to make it.  I was crying and she kissed my cheek.  She gave me this look, such a sweet look, that said to me "mommy, I tried, but this battle is just too much.  Tell daddy I love him and I'm sorry that I couldn't be there when he came home.  I wanted to smell his feet and steal his socks."  She laid back down, after taking water and food by syringe, and went to sleep.  She slept peacefully and passed in her sleep.  That morning was one of the toughest mornings I've had in a long time.  She's now got a nice grave and in our hearts as the sweet, loving ferret she was.  She really was my sweet girl.  Polar Bear is now a lonely boy but we're making the best of it. He's slowly getting used to me loving on him like I would Sable, but he still won't sit on my shoulders.  Sable loved hanging out up there.  RIP lil one, we all will miss you.

I would like to thank all of those who helped with the extra expense of her vet bills.  You're help was amazing and I was able to cover her expenses thanks to you!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Sable and the boot 

Sable's grave site

Bad Experiences Are No Excuse for Bad Behavior

I do not regret things I do. I do my best to learn from my mistakes. I do not make excuses for my actions based on my "disabilities." I'm bipolar and OCD, ADD, etc. I only mention these things when absolutely when necessary, like when I have to explain, in detail, why I HAVE to have 8 hours sleep to a professor. I control my bipolar with a combination of pot, sleep, diet, and breathing exercises. Honestly, the best control for it I have is I've trained myself to analyze my emotions, i.e. why am I feeling this emotion? Is it chemically induced or a reasonable response to an event? I control my OCD barely. I just keep myself from my baser impulses (such as repeatedly washing my hands) and have divulged into probably worse ones (smoking!). I was so obsessed with obsessing as a child, I would never wash my hands, unless in the bath, in fear of washing my hands raw. I also trained myself to focus because I attended an open concept elementary school (no walls) and had to do something to learn, and I wanted to learn.

Now to the real reason for this post. My father is in prison. I say father because I call my step-dad dad also, this will keep things simple. My father is there for child molestation. He got 20 years. I was a victim, but he was never charged for that. We lived in a really small town in Parker County Texas. Mom went to the Parker County Courthouse, but they said a 3 year old was lying. He finally assaulted the wrong child in the wrong town and was arrested. I saw my dad rarely after that. He got probation originally and wasn't supposed to be around anyone under 18. He met a woman with 2 kids and proceeded to go to prison for violating his probation. He's been in prison since around 1996.

But my father wasn't the only one to abuse me in this fashion, and I will not go into all of the details, however I will share that one was an uncle and the other a family friend who later said I shouldn't have been hiding in the shed during hide and seek. Needless to say, I was called a liar a lot. Then when I was 10 (and my family had been in Arlington for a couple years), I was stalked by some pervert who would call and make lewd comments and suggestions. This man continued to call until I was almost 16! I eventually ran into him in person at my first place. I knew it was him simply by his voice! That was one of the scariest days of my life!

You add these experiences to a child who had emotional outbursts (to the point of being tested for epilepsy) and you can imagine the drama when I was 10 and what my mother had to go through (and she's crazy too!). However, I rarely shared these experiences until I was in high school.

I didn't even start telling what I went through until I had to endure the "problems" of the freshmen that were suddenly put in my high school my junior year. Prior to that year freshmen were in the junior highs in Arlington, TX. I started hearing kids whine about how their parents were still together and they were so mean because they grounded them for swearing. They would even say these types of behavior would lead to them cutting themselves. Then there were the kids who whined about their parents spanked them. Damn, my mom sent my sister and me to school with black eyes! I didn't tell anyone, I thought it was obvious where they were coming from, until a counselor told me if I stopped fighting with my sister we would stop coming to school with black eyes. Yeah, you read that right. Finally I got tired of the whines of people that didn't know what pain was and began telling people my story. This was soon followed by a long line of people telling me "You are so strong" and eventually lead to "Stop lying, you're just trying to one-up her."

Gradually, the "You're so strong" comments did grow on me and I began to play up these events of my life. I even used them to get out of the Army (not my best moment in my life, but a good blog entry for another day). Over time, I did get on the "pity me" bandwagon, but quickly got off of it when I realized I had become exactly what I hated.

The irony of this tale is that the abuses of my childhood did move into my adult life. I ended up in a very abusive relationship after Gary was murdered (see my blog on him). I think that relationship is what spurred my eating up the attention from the "You're so strong" crowd. Combine this with getting my first car at 21 and the fact my mom wouldn't let me go anywhere even as an adult (until I got the car), you get a girl who just wanted some "positive" attention.

However, I can not regret anything I have done. All my actions have made me into the individual I am today. It gets me so mad to see people depending on pills (my experience has never been good) and blame the bad experiences in their lives for every mistake they have ever made and why they live lives of lies. If a bipolar, OCD, ADD, epileptic girl can live a practically normal life (normal is so relative) than anyone can, especially without the mental health issues! All you have to do is realize that you control your reactions and you control yourself. You can not control others, you can not control the world, but you can control yourself. If you know something triggers a "disability" than stay away from it (my triggers are whiskey and malt liquor). If you know a particular activity is very calming for you and is not bad for your health, do that. Meds are not the cure all and making excuses for your behavior is worse than thinking that "lucky rabbits foot" is the reason you win or lose. Chance is up to fate and fate is not determined by us, but by God, and His will will be done!

Activity Update

First I think it's funny that I've lost a follower since my paranormal post. Oh well, your loss. So really this is an update to the activity in my house.

I've seen the boy in my house on few occasions, but not in the last 10 years. Last night I could not sleep as my tweet stream can testify. I did finally log off of my computer and laid in bed waiting for sleep to come over me. The desire to record any sounds in my room was overwhelming but I didn't of course. I couldn't sleep at all. I lay there waiting for the grip of sleep. Around 3 (the fabled "Witching Hour") I began to see a heavy shadow by my dresser. I at first addressed this as my eyes were not completely adjusted to the lack of light in my room. However, shortly there after, I started to see smoke and smell it, white and seemingly from coming from the floor. My first instinct was to look at the charger of my laptop as I had left it plugged up. No fire, the smoke was quite thick at this point and I searched, without getting out of my small & old bed, to no avail. Suddenly the smokey image of the boy in our house appeared before me, not even 2 feet from where I lay! He seemed quite aggetated and I could still see the dark shadow figure by my dresser at the back of my room. I could not tell what the boy was trying to communicate to me, but I know he does not like this dark soul in my house.

I'm beginning to believe this dark figure may be either a spirit that I've seen before, not in my just in my house (he doesn't like me and if I knew the way I would get rid of his evil ass (pardon my French). The boy is trapped in the house for some reason and I'm pretty sure he died in a fire as the smoke and fire smell that came prior to his appearance would tell me. However, I have not found any evidence of fire in my neighborhood since it was built in 1963.

I have two theories on the spirits in my house. It is either or both these theories taken place together. One is that this boy did die in our house and is stuck there. My second theory is that since I can see these spirits, whether ghost or not, they are attracted to my location (as I've had experience with some spirits in more than one location, including my own home) and want to have their presence known. I honestly think it is a combination of both since I've seen my late fiancee in the house but he had visited the house a few occasions so by theory of spiritual residue, show at that location, but I've also seen/sensed him in two of my old vehicles. I've also had experience with a couple different demons, one which I will only refer to as "The One in a Trench Coat" (I know his name and will not repeat it as saying his name only gives him power) has possessed not only an ex-boyfriend but also my baby sister (who to this day swears she has never been possessed). I did an impromptu exercism in both instances that solved the problem for the moment. I do not believe the dark figure in my room is this same demon, I don't believe, I KNOW it's not the same one!

The dark figure may even be my late grandfather, Charlie. He was not the nicest man and we believe he may not have ever come to know the Lord. Well, I kind of know he didn't. I hate to judge, but the day before he died I was connected. We (my baby sister and I) went to see him in the Hospice next door to where my Grandma Comer (my biological father's mother) had been before she died. I hate hospitals and nursing homes, and I'm scared of mental handicap people (long story for another blog). I sat next to Charlie's bed, where the tall sturdy man lay shrivelled up almost as bad as my great grandmother who died with Rheaumatoid arthritis. I sat looking at him, my sister telling me to say something, my niece Alexia wanting to leave. It was the day before my birthday so I thought in my head as loudly as I could "Don't you die on my birthday Charlie, I love you but don't do it!"

My birthday came, I went out with my friends, got drunk (which is used to be a problem for me) and at 12:15, technically no longer my birthday, Charlie passed away. Needless to say my baby sister told me while I was drunk on whiskey (bad, bad, bad!) and she was drunk too. My Aunt Patty has seen Charlie numerous times now (she lives in Indiana). She has spoken to him and tells my grandmother about these things.

Now we are over a year since his death and he is still around. My mom smells cigarette smoke in the house, fresh smoke. No one has smoked inside the house since my dad had a stroke in 2002. Charlie smoked 3-4 packs a day. The smoke could come from another source too however due to the nature of this situatation.

I'm going to close this as I'm trying to watch Intervention on A&E about a woman who is on a feeding tube blaming the molestation she went through as why she can't swallow. I hate when people live a life as a perpetual victum, especially when they don't have mental handicaps preventing them from moving on (such as Bipolar Disorder and mild eplipse). But that is for another blog. Trust me, I will write a blog on that!

Something Resembling a Logical Though

If this is incoherent and rambling, forgive me. It has not been properly edited and I'm writing it on my lunch break. I don't really have much to say other than I'm tired of being woke up in the middle of the night by someone/thing to find nothing there. I need to get decent headphones and an audio program that will allow me to isolate sounds in mostly white noise. I've been randomly recording the sounds in my bedroom as I sleep.

Now for the most part there is not much, except for about an hour before I wake up me farting. But in the two recordings I've listened to all the way through, starting an hour or so after I go silent, i.e. sleep, you start to hear a tapping sound. I can definitely say this is not my laptop hard drive as you can hear the fan every so often come on then go off and it's not a clock, even though it sounds like one, kind of. It is several taps, in second hand beat, but stop. There is silence and it will repeat approximately every thirty minutes to hour and half. I haven't listened closely enough to thoroughly establish a pattern.

My home is very haunted. Since moving into the house, one can hear someone walking around in the attic from time to time. Previously I would conclude this may be rodents, however, we've now established there are no longer any rodents of any kind in our attic as we've sealed all their holes and taken strict measures to make sure they do not get back into our attic. Yet the walking continues. In addition, I've watched as my door has opened on it's own and also closed on it's own. Prior to the foundation repairs made to the house, logic would dictate that it could be the uneven foundation, however, the house is level now and hinges do not have memory of their own. Also there is the sightings of our old cat Stinker followed by the strong smell of cat urine in my bathroom that comes after these sightings. (My mom locked her in the bathroom instead of having her put down when she would no longer use the litter box and wasn't eating.)

It should be noted the house next door to ours, which we lived in prior to moving into the house we currently reside in, has demons. I know this since I have seen them myself and my sisters witnessed them while babysitting the various children who have lived in that house over the last 2 decades since we moved out of that house. The activity in my house may very well be residual activity from that house, but this is not very likely. Also I dated a guy who was into Satanism while I was in high school. He "cast" demons around me to protect me, which I then had to have banished as demons really do not protect anyone. Then there was all the crazy spiritual games we played as teens not really knowing any better.

Thus the activity in our house is most likely a combination of some tragic event that transpired on our street prior to us moving there and the consequences for our stupidity as teens. In addition, my grandfather who just passed away last January has been spotted in the house and I've heard him trying to make his presence known but unable to materialize. My late fiancee only appears in the den of our house, which at one point was a garage, or in the front yard. My biological father's mother has appeared also, shortly after her death. The main ghost though is a young boy, between the ages of 6-8, who will run up and down the stairs. We have at least one picture with his face in the front door glass. It is not my little brother has the picture was taken while he was at his mother. Most pictures of the front door of our house either do not turn out or distorted in some way. Orbs are a common occurrence in pictures taken within our home.

I guess my point is, I slept like crap last night and something was trying to tell me something but I didn't record the sounds in my room (where most activity happens even before it was my room). There is the possibility that some of this is very negative indeed. I do tread carefully in what I do and keep an ear open for the signs of actual demon activity. But prayers are welcome as the children who stay in our house have nightmares regularly and I never want to sleep at home.

Thought Storm

The rain is falling
And my mind is racing
Words sound like the puddles forming
Under my window
I try to concentrate
But the lightening only illuminates
Bits
Pieces
And revelations boom
Then the gentle whisper
Of thousands of thoughts
I can't make out the individuals
Only the steady hum
And the revelations echo
A common sentiment
Love
Loss
Cleansing, renewal
As the power cuts on and off
I wait for the thoughts
To pronounce themselves
As the hail hits the roof