Winterland Approaches Spring

Little green shoots

Sticking out of the snow

Brings hope of the coming spring

Rebirth of the land

But here in Winterland

The snow’s depths encapsulate colors

Only whites and shades of grey

Allowed to escape

Little grass shoots

Persevere

Spring will come

And you will flourish

Under father sun’s warmth

For now the ravens watch

Protecting their wintery home

Winterland

Thawing, allowing sprouts

Shooting up from the once frozen ground

Dance of Shadows

Shadows play on the walls

As they dance around each other

Not touching

Just grazing the outskirts of aura

The Storm

There’s an ache in my soul

Driven by the pain we share

Whatever is driving us apart

Is breaking my soul in two

Driving into the rocks of despair

How did it get to this place?

Pin pointing the moment

It all fell apart

Seems to be just out of reach

No lifeboat to be seen

Tell me how we can fix this

To bring things back

To the beginning

When things were fresh

Like the spring streams

I want back my friend

The one who guided me through

The darkest of my days

But the mast has broken in two

The sails not catching

There’s a silence prevailing

Like the El Nino winds

And the downpour is flooding

My heart, breaking the levees

I want the calm

That settles after the storm

Not the one foretelling

The disastrous damage

The Raven

The calls through the trees

Echoing against the snow

Is it a call to action

A call to come back to the fold?

The murder waits for the response

But the raven replies not

He sits, waiting

Through the veil between words

To aid the one who calls

He chooses the one

And will go and sit

On a shoulder and whisper in their ear

Waiting in Winterland

To assist when need be

The one needs his guidance

To understand the world in the air

To enjoy the little things, shiny

The others call to him

Awaiting to hear back

He informs the murder

As he brings them back to Winterland

A  replenishing of the soul

The one has been struggling

Among the rat race of the mundane

And he needs to teach them

Another lesson about grace

In the midst of the harsh winter grip

To overcome hardship

One must face the harshest winter

As the raven survives

In the vastness of the longest season

Silence of Winter

And we sit in relative silence
It echoing off each expression and shrug
The absence of contact exasperates
The solidity of the quiet
Why must there be this lack of sound
This lack of touch, feel
Even the expressions make no noise in the face
Just the changing of lines and orientation of features
When not moving, each sits in a neutral position
Saying nothing to the other's silent face
And this silence is deafening
Bouncing off the walls and down the halls
When will the joyous sounds return?

Uncertainty feeds this beast with no voice
Making those exposed question any change
Is there some meaning behind the echoes of nothing?
As if it we're out on the tundra in winter
With no sign of life, not even the wind
The only stirs are the movement of the air
As we pass each other, not touching
Only the breeze as we cut pass

Where are the blue birds of spring?
Their tweets breaking through
The first sprouts of the acorns that fell before the frost
When will they come and bring back the music,
The joy that once was that filled where silence is now

Lot's Wife

His last words to me were “walk away and don’t look back”

As if I would turn into a pillar of salt

Without turning around

Pillars of salt lined my cheeks

But I take those tears

And preserve my memories until he returns

To make a new batch

He’ll be in harm’s way

I’ll be safely in my home

Wondering if he’s ok

But this is what I signed up for

This life of having to walk away for way to long

Can’t look back when we part ways

Otherwise the salt comes again

Mmmm My Foot Tastes Good

Not sure what happened

With where that conversation went

But I want you to know

I will always be there for you

When it counts

When the chips are actually on the table

Not when you are pulling a bluff

And everyone calls you on it

I will always have your back

And will always be at your side

Whether figuratively 

Or metaphorically

But I just can't call bluffs

I can't bluff 

Even to save my own hide

And if I could, I think my credibility 

Would be completely shot

So please

Don't be mad

Don't hold my loose tongue

Against me

Realize that if I were there

And able to see all that happened

I would have kept

My trap that has sunk

My battleship many times

Shut tighter than the seams 

Of my waterproof tent

I'd much rather 

Not say a word

Than upset you

Because I like the taste

Of my own foot

Shootin Stars

I can't sleep

Once again

Insomnia

Homework

Stress

Whatever the reason

I step out

Barefoot

Dew on the ground

I stand in the yard

Staring at the sky

Curled in my jacket

The wind is cool

But not actually cold

I just like how the fleece

Feels wrapped around me

And I locate stars I know

But the city lights

Even at 4 am

Have overwhelmed

All but the brightest

Venus

Mercury

Orion

The Moon

And along the Belt's arc

A thin line of brillance

Archs

Orange

White in the center

And as soon as it showed

It fades into the lights

A shooting star

The second in so many weeks

And I make my same wish

One that I know will come true

I wish for this

So instead of a dream

It becomes fact

How many more shootin stars

Will I see

Before it becomes reality?

Enough to ensure

Dreams become reality

When I'm Alone

Ready for these daydreams
To become reality
And start the grand adventure
I've only dreamed

I can't believe
This is real
That someone would
Stick by me

Yet it's true
And a bit surreal
But I wouldn't have
It any other way

When you're near
It's heaven
And when we're apart
I look to the stars

The one constant
Over us both
Over the years
The stars

The moon smiles
And the stars blink
And they do the same
Over both of us as we sleep

When I'm feeling lonely
And need reassurance
I just go outside
And look above

I know that Orion
Is in about the same spot
Over your head
As he's over mine

And Venus hangs out
With the Moon and Mars
Whether over me
Or over you

So even when
We can not talk
And there is a mandatory silence
We've got the stars & moon

Circles (Past, Present, Future) [Revision of previous poem]

I find this circle
We are in
Beautiful

10 years ago
Things were much different
We were younger
Dumber
Blind

Then I did what I did
And it couldn't be undone
But I don't think I would
Even if I could
The experience
Was worth the tragedy
That shaped my adult life
In so many ways

Yet I knew it was just part
Of this long journey
That loops around itself
Never completing a true circle
But almost
Like the retrograde activities
Of Venus and Mars
Even including that great elliptical
Trip around the sun

I haven't told
But three souls
That I feel
This intense
This truly
For you

Not for a lose so long ago
Not for the him
The one who caused me
To break your heart in two
And made me happier
Than anyone
Except you

I don't expect
You to believe me
But you can accept
The words that I say

This beautiful circle
That's spun around
Like the Maya calendar
One ending
Is another beginning
And here we are
10 years later

I really can't expect
You to truly believe
That I love you
But I do
And I have
And I will

See and that was so long ago
Things happen
Tragic events that wound
But wounds heal

Time moves on
Washing away
The pains
And even some memories
Looping back around again
Close to the original spot
But not quite

Five years ago
The orbits didn't line up
The circle wasn't quite right
And here we are
A third time
I'm calling it
Our 2012

Past, Present, Future

I haven't told
But 3 souls
That I feel
This intense
About you
And not him

Yes...

HIM

The one that caused me
To break your heart in two
Yet made me happier
Than anyone
But you

I don't expect
You to believe me
That you can accept
The words that I say

I can't expect
For you to even believe
That I love you
At all

But I do
And I have
And I will

The truth
Can you see?
It's not so cut and dry
Yes
I had happiness there
But we're in the now

Now...
The present
The future
Not the past!

Simply put
We are in the now
We are meant to be
More than I can say
For ANYONE else
Not HIM
Not tools of time
But now and forever

Jumping Conclusions

I'm at war with my mind

Trying to convince it

That nothing is wrong

Though all it does

Is jump from

Boiling vat to boiling vat

Of ill conceived conclusions

Based only on tidbits

That have seeped

Into the crevasses of my mind

And began to grow

Into weeds

Spurring

Negativity

Either your way

Or mine

Not allowing the peace of mind

That should be there

Silence makes them grow more

The not knowing

Is like rain and light to them

And so the conclusions

Jump

From boiling vat to boiling vat

Spreading unease

As they dribble onto the floor of my mind

I'm trying to ignore it

There is no need to pay attention

I know that everything

Will be ok

But I see those drops on the floor

I must clean it up

And then see the tidbits of doubts

And self loathing

Jumping between the vats

Make them stop!

No Words

I don’t think words

Could ever express

Exactly what goes on

In my mind

I hear how lucky I am

And I can’t express to them

How truly lucky I am

To have you

The one that I’ve hurt

The one that’s heard

Every woe and whine

And is there still

The one that forgave

My mistakes and still

Stayed by my side

And cared

How do you express

How lucky you are

Other than with clichés

Such as blessed

We’re not a cliché

But this is the epitome

Of my love story dreams

And then some

To have the one who truly

Deeply, madly, without a doubt

Loves me, completely

Not just my look

The one who holds onto

Every word, recalls things

I lost somewhere over time

That help console me

I really can’t express

Truly, how lucky I am

Words will always falter

But I am

Simplicity

I think I’ve found forever
In that simple look
Even from this distance

I know this is right
With all we’ve seen
Through all that has transpired

We are due this
From the point of yesterday
And through to forever

I see in your words
That this is real
Forever isn’t that long

I can’t believe that
During all this time
I’ve put this off so long

We are due this
From the point of the first kiss
And through to old age

I’m ready to be there
Whether you are next to me
Or not and away somewhere far off

I know that through it all
No matter how hard
And no matter how long

We will be there
From the point that I say I do
And until we’re grey and cranky

Poems from 2008

It's Over

It's over

After 2 years of love

joy

fear

pain

It ended

The torture your soul has endured may now end

I take the demons I brought into your life

And you will have clear thoughts

Or go back to old ways

That you threw in the fire of understanding wrong

Because we are creatures of habit

The next few months are going to be hard

If I see your light from the corner of my eye

I may turn and want you

to hold me

But we can't

Is It Allowed?

I'm mad at you
But is it allowed?
Will it make you run
Even further than you are now
Or will you finally let go
And be you again

I'm crying for you
But is it allowed?
You seem not to want anything
From me, from anyone
Other than the abusers
Who are responsible for where you are

Call me
Or is it not allowed?
You may be wrapped around
Some other finger
Telling you how high to jump
And where to land

We Must

Sometimes we weep
Whether we were right or wrong
Sometimes we laugh
Even when it's wrong

Then there are the occasions
That slap us in the face
Make us eat shit
Put us in our place

We must keep moving
Whether fowards or back
Little of the future
Is up for attack

We can't live on memories alone
But must take nourishment
From everything, even those that leave us stone

And walk past evil and dread
So we can grow into humans
Living, not dead

I Left

I left
I let the door close
And heard you turn the lock
I hauled my belongings away
No turning back

But now
I drive around
Lost
Trying to remember
Why I did the leaving
And see anothers shadow
Where mine once strolled

Yet I avoid you general vacinity
If I see you I'll beg
Like you did the night
I left

Rain Storms

The rain is falling
And my mind is racing
Words sound like the puddles forming
Under my window
I try to concentrate
But the lightening only illuminates
Bits
Pieces
And revelations boom
Then the gentle whisper
Of thousands of thoughts
I can't make out the individuals
Only the steady hum
And the revelations echo
A common sentiment
Love
Loss
Cleansing, renewal
As the power cuts on and off
I wait for the thoughts
To pronounce themselves
As the hail hits the roof

You Are Not Esthero Bitch

If you're in tha mood
I got my dukes up
Ready for a revolution
And I may not have hip-hop in my veins
Or legs that go on for miles
But I have dignity and pride
And don't have to resort
To whispering sweet evils in his ear
But you have caused my greatest fear
And I've told him to go, get away
So he can be a better man
Than either of us could let him be
Your wicked ways
My naive backwoods world
And him stuck between
A bitch and a slave
I sing melancoly melodies now
Because your succubus words
Stained what was left of his love
And you did it
Because he wouldn't have you
He wanted me
Hopefully, he has enough sense
To see your bullshit through
And tell you to take a long walk
Off that short plank
Into the abyss that you came from

To Where?

Somewhere in the back of my mind
I feel the claws of desperation
Scratching my good intentions
And marring my judgment
Scaring my delicate psyche
Till I want to curl in a ball
And sleep away eternity

Yet, I can not
Will not
Curl up and die
I want to be happy
Simple, pure
Happiness

Where has it all gone
Has it always been so illusive
So far off and small
Or is it the mind chemistry cemetery
Where it has gone off to die
Then be reborn with hyper
Bouncing and jumping
Fighting and singing

Then from the far reaches
Of some inner space
That hasn't been seen in over a decade
A light shines
Ever so dully

Enough to make one uncurl
And look up
To raise your head
And look around
See what you've been lying in

7 Days

Day 1, I knew this was going to be tough

With you asking, pleading for me to stay

I knew things would not be the same

Yet I decided to go with my gut

I cried there in your living room

Knowing this was the end



Day 2 seemed to come and go

Other than the single text

Asking me why I was telling everyone

I was not at the bar

A simple joke gone wrong

Like two years of our lives



Day 3 I moped at the bar

Saw your best friend

Who used to be mine

And tried to stay clear

Of any drama there



Day 4 I tried to have a good time

Out with friends, family

Cut my hair in rebellion to you

And as hard as I tried

My thoughts circled back



Day 5 was a blur

Sleep and work

Consuming my every waking moment

So that I could not think

Could not ponder

All these things



Day 6 was more the same

My work suffers

At the hand of this fate

And I wonder

Why my phone does not ring

Why there are so few calls

So few attempts

For me



Day 7

Today

Why do I miss you so

Why have I only cried that one time

When you pleaded

And I knew

I could not keep on

Yet here I am stuck wishing for a call

A text

Something to make me whole

And now

A lonely tear falls

As I drift to a far off sleep

Where I yell

"Don't stay"

To the crying sheep

Hmmm (Our What If?)

We never met
Nor will we ever
But you brought out the best
In everyone who never
Saw you, met you
Who never will
You
Who will always be a myth
And always a "What If?"

Lima Beans

When lima beans fail
The nurshiment lacks
But all who loved them
Know it's for the best
One day
The lima beans will come in strong
And will heal us
From the seasons of loss
And the time of none
Will be only a myth
Slowly forgotten
Like Roma

Poems from 2007

You May Know Who You Are

i'm not sure whats going on.
since what went down did
you emailed me once
i told you i'd me be there for you
and you haven't returned my calls
i know you are hurting
in immense pain
but you know i will be there for you
just the same
thank god i wasn't the last to know
as usual i would have been
but now you aren't talking to me
and i'm not sure why
probably when you're ready
you will call and lay things down
so they won't burden you quite as bad
as keeping them to yourself would do
i know it is out of character
for you to spill your guts
but there was a time when you did
just in a different way
so when you are ready
call me and i'll be there
cuz i've been there all along
even though we have separate lives
i know you need your friends

Chris

i'm gone
what're you doin
now
you're probably
moping
sleeping
with you're clothes
on
and who
knows
what else
smoking
speed
till
you're so numb
you forget
you
left me

Before Him

why i didn't stay
to tell you
exactly how i felt
before him
i will never know
half way through
all i thought
was of you
how i'm given
the chance of a life time
one i don't want
to be ruined
by my actions
actions of stupidity
of recklessness
all i want
is the happiness
that i felt
before him

The Fearing

somethings not right
i can feel it in the air
hear the cries
i'm not sure what it is
but it feels like it's him
what is wrong
why am i scared
scared to return to his place
to get my things
a fear that should not be justified
yet it resides
deep in my gut
gnawing
chewing
a fear of returning
to retrieve what is mine

Speechless

i'm overwhelmed
seeing you
holding me
overwhelmed
already missing you
not believing reality
fascinated
by things said
not knowing
what to do next
overwhelmed
by my own emotions
noting the peace
the lack of pain
fascinated
by your smile
the twinkle in your eyes
wanting you back here
not out there driving around
speechless
not knowing what to say
only able to write simple words
in simple form
hoping
you read them
since i am
speechless

Disjointed

disjointed
out of place
somethings not right
feelings escape
wondering
pondering
what this is
feeling out of touch
out of sync
didn't work out
knew it wouldn't
yet the blow
knocked me
disjointed
out of place
trying to locate
the sky from the ground
floundering
shaking
lost in myself
in the world
trying to figure out
the next step
what to do

Unfathomable

i couldn't believe you acted the way you did

in a public place

in front of MY friends

when all i've done is try to be

everything you wanted me to be

i knew better of course

than change for you

but did it anyway

as some sort of cure

maybe i wasn't femine enough

or too lazy with my hair

so that if i were a man would want me

to keep me

but reality is

your just a jerk

who wanted to control me

leave me alone

always looking for a reason to leave

never wanting a permanent home

yet now you are looking for a house

and sent me on my way

funny that you never mentioned this

till just the other day

then last night out of the blue

you showed your true colors

getting mad when some innocent guy

just tryed to say hi

not the kind of hi that would make someone jealous

the kind that was meant as a friendly gesture

and you flipped out

stamped your feet

and walked out of the sun shine

In the Middle of the Night

Images flash before staring eyes.
Please call the yellow haired, orange-skinned woman
With pancaked make-up and artificial smile,
Because she needs a few good men.
But first ask your doctor
If this busy bee can help,
With your waist size
Or your waste of a job.
Buy the latest Motor City-Tokyo monster.
Because dirty boys get cleaned,
Washed like the cash you get from your mail.
Tom Bosoley says it works.
Juggle with endless debt
While drinking our tasty hops
That make you popular and attractive
Like the ad you found in the yellow pages.
Heavy plastics, sold by legends and pimple faced kids,
Protect from the most embarrassing itch,
That the caramel haired, orange skinned girl
Requested of you.
But there is hope,
Find the remote.

Walking In to See You

I walk into the sealed teeth
That encase the path to the hive,
Surrounded by untilled heath.
Down the gullet slowly, dive
Into other similar situations en masse.
Shuffle to tables, uniformed drones supervise.
Waiting for you, an elderly man passes.
He turns, and age melts as he sits
In front of me, the man who rolled with me in the grass.
Locked in the hive, missed my first kiss.
Talk covers what transpired in the time
Since he accepted this hand, a life of fits.
Around our piece of bliss, others chat in mime.
Expressing similar sentiment, linked only by faults.
Quaked into reality, the drone says, "Time."
My image covered again in age, like a bank vault
Swung closed around him. Reminded of our place
Within the hive, we part… I taste salt.
Regurgitated out, I look in the mirror at my face,
My eyes wear time like wreaths.
I drive back to my hive, 800 miles from this place.

I Will Never Be Alone!

You can have your perceptions of me
Whether I'm honest
Self-centered
Crass
And you can take those perceptions
And shove them up your ass
I'm the same person I was
10 years before
Only I've grown, evolved
I know my faults
So what if I give advise
Through retailing something I've gone through
So what if my life seems over the top
I've been through hell and back
And I'm not broke yet
I've been abused, beat up, torn down, taken apart
I've lost loved ones, family, and friends
And I'm still kicking and screaming
I will be till the end
And even if all the friends I have today
Decide to leave me
I'll just make new ones
Because I'll never be alone

Some Time

A course set upon
Lost for so many years
Will we reach that destination?

Whether here or there
Thoughts shared mean more
Than a lack of contact
That has been the norm

Time will only tell
How all will end
Will we reach that far off coast
We set out for?
Or will we just drift aimlessly on these seas?

The thought of not getting to that place,
brings on a pain
I'm used to

And the sounds of this sea,
Swirling around
Confuse the senses and warp our minds

Hope is all that keeps me staring at the compass
To where I can reach that place
With you