Day 47

I just noticed I haven't posted in awhile and I'm sorry.  I've just been going about life as close to normal as I can.  I've been working out and trying to get down to weight but it seems the more I try, the more I see nothing on the scale or the tape, yet I can see that my abs are getting flatter... Oh well.  I haven't had a soda in 3 days now.  Yes, I do have a Red Bull in the morning, but hey, a girl needs her B vitamins and the caffeine!  I've been drinking LOTS of water and eating well.  Most of my diet is either vegetarian or health food.  I do treat myself to something not so good for me, but it's not all the time.  I do love me a cheeseburger on occasion lol.

I do have to say that Skype is so awesome!  Getting to see my hubby brings me so much joy and helps the days without hearing from him a bit easier to deal with.  I'm pretty sure he'll be proud of my keeping up the work out. I have say I did take a break from it when all the drama started happening but I think exercising is helping me deal with stress of it all.  I'm already seeing an improvement in my stress induced stomach issues and in the hair loss.  That is always good, but I am tired of the hair in my brush...

Well, not really much else to say, it's lunch time & I'm starved and I've got a ferret running around like a crazed loon.

I want to complain, but won't

I had to drop B off on post at 3 am this morning and I really wanted to whine about having to be alone for a week.  However, when I got back from dropping him off I saw a buddy of mine on Twitter's heartbreaking tweets about having to drop off her husband at the airport so he could go back to his deployment.  I can't complain.

B's coming back on Sunday and we'll have at least a month together before we start the deployment.  In addition, the deployment, though hard it may be, won't affect us quite like it does other couples.  We spent much of the last 13 years apart, on basically opposite sides of the country.  We have experience in long stretches of time apart.  My heart breaks for those who have never spent more than a weekend apart or less.  They've never had to worry like they do now.  I honestly can't imagine that for myself.  I'm used to being alone but most spouses are not.  I'm used to wondering if he's ok without me.  I'm used to knowing he's thinking of me so far away.  But most people don't know that feeling.  Most people don't know what it's like or how to cope with that sort of thing.  I'm not saying that the deployment is going to be easy for me.  I've gotten used to B's presence and his smell and his constant chatter.  I know he'll be in harms way, but to have experience being apart versus never being apart?  We have that... even with him being in harms way.  I'll never forget when I didn't hear from him for a year and it was due to him almost dying in Alaska.  I was so pissed for the longest I didn't hear from him and when I did, I got pissed at myself for not being more understanding.

Thinking on what some of those I chat with on a regular basis makes me realize how lucky I really have it.  I'm hear for anyone that needs an outlet to vent about the deployment they're going through.  I can give you advice from my experiences being so far from my hubby, though not a deployment...

An important note: all those years apart we spent, we weren't a couple, but really good friends.  However, that doesn't change that he loved me (and has since he was 14) and I loved him.

From my MySpace Blog

I've been sooooooo busy. Between graduating college, getting married, and now packing for the big move some time soon, I haven't been writing as much. Plus, many of my poems are just rehashes of the same happy sentiments over and over again, no problem with that though :)

I will be posting a list of things for sale in a bulletin soon. I'm not sure if anyone will want any of it, but who knows. I'm going to miss all my Texas friends and family, but I cannot wait to start married life. I feel so lucky to have my honey and after reading through so many journals, poems, random writings, and bits of paper that I've had packed away from over the years, my honey has been that rock over the years. Some of what I've read has upset me, brought back old pains, but has shown me how much I've grown over the years. Some of you have personally seen this growth, others just know me as I am now. I have not always been the rock that many of you see today, especially after some of the things I've read. There were so many entries of how depressed I was or who I was dating at the time or who I was allowing to use me as a doormat. The fact that I made it through all the abuses, the assaults, the drunken stupidity in one piece is a testament to the fact that I am a strong person and have learned from my mistakes, trails, and experiences. I think the most difficult entries to read were those from the 2001. What I went through then can only be compared to the darkest moments of my childhood. I don't remember most of that and I count myself blessed that I don't.

Why then do I keep the old journals? My plan is to use those later as a way to, as accurately as possible, compile my autobiography in hopes of reaching out to young women, and even men, who have gone through some of the same things. I will continue to live by my policy that bad experiences are no excuse for bad behavior.

I love my sweetie, and I miss him something awful. Be safe out there and if you're Arlington side, you need to see me before I leave state.

OMG!!!

Ok... I'm extremely happy

I can't believe that the man that I would kick to flirt with back when I was 16, cuz I liked him, likes me, and wants to marry me and I am ACTUALLY going to marry him.  I can't believe that he wants to marry me after everything that I've put him through and after everything I've been through.  He knows all I've been through, both good, bad and ugly.  He knows so much about me that the fact he WANTS to marry me (in and of itself) freaks me out.  I can't believe that I actually have my BA in anything, let alone English ( though it was ALWAYS my strongest subject).

The fact that GOOD things are coming about has me so freaked out that I have NO fucking idea how to act.

I love him.  I really do. Despite the fact that I have my own version of cold feet, he still wants to marry me. I'm glad. But then my doubts take over. How in the world can ANYONE really love ME!!!! Seriously.... I am a bitch. I'm a cunt. I'm fucking bi-fucking-sexual for Christ sake. Yet he loves me.  I've been sexually abused.  I have "daddy issues" and my biological mother is a bitch who any sane person would hate.  I love her though, none the less.  She's the female version of Peter Griffin.  Don't just take my word for it, my friends agree.  She doesn't know better than to act the way she does.  Though ignorance is rarely an excuse, I allow it for her.  She is the woman that is half responsible for my presence on this planet.  By horrid biological father is the other half.  My loving honey is one of the reasons that I haven't done something stupid...

But I'm freaking out!!! Who knew that I could get my bachelors in anything?  Who knew that someone would actually marry me?  Who knew that I could accomplish anything that I set my mind to?

I couldn't, I can't.... I'm freaking out

Then I'm wondering why in the world is CR and his friends not showing up in all the usual places.  NONE of them were at the Aesop Rock show.  None have been at the bar on any of the occasions I've been since October.  October was the last time I talked to CR.  I don't care what's goin on with CR but at the same time, it's really weird that they would all suddenly NOT show up at underground hip-hop shows and the bars that they ALL used to run.  This, however, is contrary to what I knew prior to meeting any of them.  Prior, I would go to Cave's and would not meet any of them.  How am I sure you ask? Cuz Tito is a mixed dude with a 'hawk, that's how.  So not seeing any of them at the bar is really fucking weird.  I don't mind the calm, but not seeing any of them is just beyond weird!  It's like going to work every day and then suddenly your boss isn't coming in and the only explanation you get is they're on a different shift, but really they're not cuz you rotate shifts and see that they are never there.  It makes me worry, especially after the last time I ran into any of that crew.  One person told me that don't give two shits what happened to CR and the other told me they were more worried about CR then they were about their speed habit.  I'm not really worried about CR, but I don't want him & his friends avoiding where they would like to hang out (cuz that's where drinks are cheapest and closet to where any of them live) because of me.  I know I have a HUGE ego but not like that.

Ok, I'm much more comfortable that things are going well for me.  I'm really  not used to things going well for me.  If you've read some of my old blogs, you know that not everything has been easy.  But I know that we're all due good things eventually.  I can only hope that those old nightmares will NEVER come true.  That way I can have my "happily ever after" and still live in reality.

Please pray for us.  I know that sounds weird coming from me, however, I am a praying individual.  Please pray for us, especially if you know our complete situation

Simplicity

I think I’ve found forever
In that simple look
Even from this distance

I know this is right
With all we’ve seen
Through all that has transpired

We are due this
From the point of yesterday
And through to forever

I see in your words
That this is real
Forever isn’t that long

I can’t believe that
During all this time
I’ve put this off so long

We are due this
From the point of the first kiss
And through to old age

I’m ready to be there
Whether you are next to me
Or not and away somewhere far off

I know that through it all
No matter how hard
And no matter how long

We will be there
From the point that I say I do
And until we’re grey and cranky

Dilema

I'm in the process of writing a letter to my biological father. He's in prison. I've hit on the topic in a previous blog. My future husband hates my biological father, loves my dad, hates the guy who helped in my conception, and with reason. He (B) has stated on a couple occasions that my biological father isn't allowed around when he gets out. I understand this. I'm actually going to use this as my reasoning not to see my father when he gets out. Even before all the marriage talk, I didn't want to see my father when he got out. I don't trust him and really, even when I visit him, I don't really look forward to it, other than the fact that while he's in prison he's being watched.

So I'm writing my father a letter to inform him of my great news, that his oldest daughter, his "road buddy" as he calls me, is getting married. However, I have to tell him that he can't see me when he gets out. I'm not sure how to put this without hurting his feelings. He seems to not have a concept of what he's done to me or anyone else and I know will take it very personally. I don't want to lose all contact with my father, but I don't want to see him on the outside.

Can you guys help me on how to word this? I'm at a loss what to say. The only Dunaway's left is myself, my father, and my baby sister.

My Love Story

Ok, so it's been asked of me late how I met my army guy. I am also dealing with some people who aren't too happy with the fact I finally completely ended things with my off and on boyfriend of the last 3 years. So here the story of how me and the army guy, who I'll call B for ease, met and fell in love. Do note that all that is recalled is my recollection and can be slightly off. I'm sure B'll correct me, lol.

My junior year of high school was a weird one. That was the year that the Arlington school district decided it was time to move the freshmen into the high schools. The first day of class was really interesting since there were new "freaks" for my friends to hang out with. The school was on an "A Day/B Day" system, and so the second day of class I went to photography for the first time. I don't remember that first day of class very well, but I remember even in the first half of the school year this kid who sat at my table. He hung out with this guy I'd known since elementary school. I talked a lot and made conversation with both and soon I had the kid following me around. The kid was B. He told me he was from Alaska and that us Texans were a weird lot and I had to educate him on how Texas really was by kicking him incessantly in the shins. Apparently to this day there are spots on his legs that do not grow hair.

As the school year went on, the weather got cooler. Not cold, but cooler, and I began to drink coffee every day and he began to drink my coffee. We now debate on his motives for this, but it was probably a combination of living with his Mormon sister and the fact he was in love with me. I even would tell him in class he was in love with me. I would actually tease him about this. In addition, he listened to all my boy troubles and my "escapades" that seemed to happen more frequently than reality deemed due to my tendency to tell the same story over and over.

That school year soon ended and over that summer I enlisted in the Army. When school started, he was once again in my photography class where we pestered each other. I didn't do anything exciting over summer break other than enlist in the army, and I'm sure that is all I talked about, well that and feminism and witchcraft. After I graduated, I shipped off to basic training. If you've read my previous blogs, you know that I got hurt there. The part of that story not included is as follows. When I got hurt they let me go home for what was called "con-leave." I came home, and somehow I ran into B and we ended up spending lots of time together and dated. We went to Homecoming and hung at a friend's house. We held hands and that was it. We really did like each other. But when I got back to base, something in my mind changed and I called him in late October to break things off. Every time I called he would change the subject, "lose the call" or some other excuse not to hear what I was saying. When I finally came home, as my previous blog points out, my bff at the time came over with her boyfriend and his brother. That night I cheated on B.

The fact that I did that is inexcusable in a way as I should have had better control over myself, but in my own defense, and he's even stated I did this, I repeatedly tried to break up with him before it happened to no avail. Needless to say, after all was said in done, it was bad. I called our mutual friend Ugh (yeah that's really what we called him, and is NOT his real name) and talked to him about it, swearing him to secrecy because I, not anyone else, needed to tell him. But what does Ugh do, he's talking to a friend of ours at school and the friend asks him something in the regards to repeat himself and he repeats it loudly, B being in earshot hearing all.

Ugh brought B to my house and mouthed "he knows" that afternoon. I talked to B, but he was pretty upset, as he had the right to be. I mean, I still beat myself up over the whole deal, though I would never go back and change what happened. My time with Gary is precious to me and helped in shaping me. However, if I could take away the pain I caused B, I would. B paced in front of my house until Ugh came back with a little pocket knife in his hand, flipping it open and closed, looking at me in just such a way that part of me was afraid but the other part of me knew nothing was going to happen, he was just that hurt. I was his first girlfriend and I cheated on him.

I heard from him once or twice after that. But we really didn't get back to talking until around late 2003. I really can't say for sure exactly when we started talking again, I know it was after the craziest of my crazy ex's and I broke up which was in 2003. In 2004, he came to visit me. That was nice. We talked about what happened in 1999 and how he grew from that and how I had grown from it. He even mentioned how he knew how much Gary meant to me and that he was sorry for my loss, no one should leave this world like that. During that visit, we shared our first kiss. He says we kissed several times on that trip, but I remember one, and it was during Stephen King's latest tv thing about that hospital. It was so bad I can't even remember the name of the show. But that kiss! It was the sweetest kiss ever.

Before he left, we talked about him moving down here. He could live with me, we may even try to see if it could work between us. I was excited. He left and a week went by. I hadn't heard from him. A month turned to 3, turned to 6, turned to a year. I sent a few emails expressing my rage and how he was probably doing to me like all these other guys I had been dating at the time had done, never talk to me after an intimate moment. When I finally heard from him, I was mad at myself for possible meanness I sent in my emails. The quote below was the first email he sent me in 2005, the subject line read "To my Love, Lost or otherwise".

"Dear Joy,
Time blinks by in an instant or a year, who we are and who we were change, solidify, and change again before we can register what is what. Sometimes what we know is lost before it was ever real, sometimes it was a dream and never touched reality at all. A greedy mans fortune I would give to know the truth, to feel the truth. Not meant for me I guess, though not for you either, a flicker of love besides a funeral pyre goes unnoticed. Buried beneath regret and pain, good intentions are seldom that good. When faced with what we want at a unreachable price, do we surrender or want in vain? I know not the answers to these questions, though they haunt my dreams now and evermore. Does my memory match your ghost? Or am I but a shade beside your true love? Cold embraced me, trust left me, and still your face haunted me, one among billions, and still I was not alone, still I could not rest in icy peace. Thy insanity enthralls me and mine own lucidity deserts me, how I wish I was stronger and your unknowing caress weaker. Were you to walk barefoot into Hell, I would be compelled to follow. Though a weak year has passed, I think of you still. Whatever the consequence, I Love You still.

B"

When I checked my email and read that... I swoon a bit reading it still to this day! He followed this email with the tale of what happened when he returned home and it was a sad story. I found out in emails that followed that even his dad had told him to stay here and not go home to Alaska, but he did for his word. He was in Colorado by this point and we talked. We talked, through my boyfriend of the last three years, his girlfriend(s) (I didn't want to think too much of them) and advised each other in all things: love, friends, family, life. Then one day I talked to him, much to the writhing anger of my boyfriend at the time, and he told me he had joined the Army. Most of our conversations by this point were on the phone. Thank God for unlimited long distance! When he told me he joined the Army, I about freaked. I made sure to sound happy on the phone, but I was scared for him. I still am, to be perfectly honest. I gave him my 2 cents about basic and eventually, before he shipped off, he gave me his sister's email address so I could get his address from her.

B always made it clear he didn't like my last boyfriend. He, like all my friends, pointed out the fact that my ex hated me talking to my friends, but mostly my guy friends. B isn't my only guy friend and I think a couple of mine have decided never to speak to me again after me going back to my ex the last time. I don't blame them. My friends have always told me the thing they admired about me most was my strength, and my returning to an emotionally abusive relationship was so opposed to everything I said and did to that point... B stuck by me as a friend, but for the first time, made comments of what he would do if I were his.

So now here we are. He's in the Army, I'm a civilian, yet the shoe really isn't on the other foot. We're both 12 years older and wiser. I keep thinking to myself why I didn't pursue this sooner, but then, everything happens for a reason and I'm not going to question God's actions in this. I know that this is the right move on my part.

He asked me tonight again if I wanted to marry him. I said yes. He then he told me "You know that it'll be difficult being an Army wife sometimes. That I won't always be there to take care of you like I want to?" I told him, yes, I know what I'm signing up for, as it were. And yes, I know what I'm signing up for. I know that when he ships off to Afghanistan in June, I'm going to be alone for a year. I know this, I accept it. If marrying my best friend of the last 12 years, who's stuck by my side despite me putting them through hell in the beginning, is how I can serve my country and be happy as ever, then so be it. The slight discomfort while he is away will be worth it when he is home.