OMG!!!

Ok... I'm extremely happy

I can't believe that the man that I would kick to flirt with back when I was 16, cuz I liked him, likes me, and wants to marry me and I am ACTUALLY going to marry him.  I can't believe that he wants to marry me after everything that I've put him through and after everything I've been through.  He knows all I've been through, both good, bad and ugly.  He knows so much about me that the fact he WANTS to marry me (in and of itself) freaks me out.  I can't believe that I actually have my BA in anything, let alone English ( though it was ALWAYS my strongest subject).

The fact that GOOD things are coming about has me so freaked out that I have NO fucking idea how to act.

I love him.  I really do. Despite the fact that I have my own version of cold feet, he still wants to marry me. I'm glad. But then my doubts take over. How in the world can ANYONE really love ME!!!! Seriously.... I am a bitch. I'm a cunt. I'm fucking bi-fucking-sexual for Christ sake. Yet he loves me.  I've been sexually abused.  I have "daddy issues" and my biological mother is a bitch who any sane person would hate.  I love her though, none the less.  She's the female version of Peter Griffin.  Don't just take my word for it, my friends agree.  She doesn't know better than to act the way she does.  Though ignorance is rarely an excuse, I allow it for her.  She is the woman that is half responsible for my presence on this planet.  By horrid biological father is the other half.  My loving honey is one of the reasons that I haven't done something stupid...

But I'm freaking out!!! Who knew that I could get my bachelors in anything?  Who knew that someone would actually marry me?  Who knew that I could accomplish anything that I set my mind to?

I couldn't, I can't.... I'm freaking out

Then I'm wondering why in the world is CR and his friends not showing up in all the usual places.  NONE of them were at the Aesop Rock show.  None have been at the bar on any of the occasions I've been since October.  October was the last time I talked to CR.  I don't care what's goin on with CR but at the same time, it's really weird that they would all suddenly NOT show up at underground hip-hop shows and the bars that they ALL used to run.  This, however, is contrary to what I knew prior to meeting any of them.  Prior, I would go to Cave's and would not meet any of them.  How am I sure you ask? Cuz Tito is a mixed dude with a 'hawk, that's how.  So not seeing any of them at the bar is really fucking weird.  I don't mind the calm, but not seeing any of them is just beyond weird!  It's like going to work every day and then suddenly your boss isn't coming in and the only explanation you get is they're on a different shift, but really they're not cuz you rotate shifts and see that they are never there.  It makes me worry, especially after the last time I ran into any of that crew.  One person told me that don't give two shits what happened to CR and the other told me they were more worried about CR then they were about their speed habit.  I'm not really worried about CR, but I don't want him & his friends avoiding where they would like to hang out (cuz that's where drinks are cheapest and closet to where any of them live) because of me.  I know I have a HUGE ego but not like that.

Ok, I'm much more comfortable that things are going well for me.  I'm really  not used to things going well for me.  If you've read some of my old blogs, you know that not everything has been easy.  But I know that we're all due good things eventually.  I can only hope that those old nightmares will NEVER come true.  That way I can have my "happily ever after" and still live in reality.

Please pray for us.  I know that sounds weird coming from me, however, I am a praying individual.  Please pray for us, especially if you know our complete situation

Music Rant

So today I was talking with a guy in my literary theory class about the underground hip-hop scene in Colorado. Not sure even how it came about, but I had recently noticed that some of the groups and artists that I follow go through there ALOT. Well I say that there is a decent scene there and this dude, who established a couple years ago in another class that he was into metal, decides that he suddenly knows something about the underground scene here and in Colorado. He starts going on about how there is a scene there but the scene here in the Dallas area is way bigger. I counter that I was in the scene due to my ex (thank you soooooooo much Chris for that) and the scene is almost nonexistent. His counter "oh no, the scene here is bigger, what do you call that 'dance party' show that is broadcast in several states?" I looked at him with a look that was a mix of contempt and disbelief.... "You mean the show where they play only songs that are played on the radio? That ain't underground dude, that's mainstream bullshit," I said. He ignored my response and kept on about how he lived in Colorado and there is this scene and that scene, but not a hip-hop scene. I told him then how do explain Lyrics Born being their for 3 different shows this month alone, or Sage Francis being there about once a year when he hasn't been to Dallas (which according to him is one of the hubs, the other is Houston, of the "underground" scene)? His only retort then was that he lived there and KNEW. Yeah, sure dude, you know about something that you have absolutely NO experience in. Sure, you know, sure.

Well, I at least know better. Too bad though I don't live near Providence, RI... I know I missed an awesome freakin show tonight. Many may not know this about me, but I love goin to shows. I promised B though I'd lay off the mosh pits. I do need to get to a good metal/rock show too, but I've been to a rock show since the last time I've been to a hip-hop show and it's a totally different vibe.

Anywho! So I come home and I'm sitting here doing homework. I take a study break and add a couple artist I hadn't previously, like Buck 65, and the new group I was told about Saturday, Doomtree, who I just found out has this guy Cecil Otter in it who's on Strange Famous Records as a solo artist... So I get this add, which I get bands adding me from time to time since about 2/3 of my friends are bands. I do give each band add a chance, but I only listen to 2 tracks and I listen only about 1-2 minutes in. Well, I click on the profile and I'm greeted to what sounds like a crappy MIDI file. The guy's bio says "If you listen to the radio, you've heard my style." First of all, on the rare occasion I do listen to the radio, I know for a fact, I haven't heard your style, well not since the first music files were on computers. Secondly, you sound like shit! Yeah... I've heard MIDI files sound better. So, I denied him. But not just cuz it sounded bad, but cuz he referenced the radio like he did. That's not to say the radio is bad, however, the commercialization of music has made much of it lose something. I'm so glad that Radiohead doesn't get the radio play that some think they deserve. I'll agree, everyone should listen to Radiohead, but with that type of hype, certain things are expected of you and they are not good. I like Radiohead, and all the others I listen to, just the way they are.

And by popular request, here is a quick list of some of the artist that are on my iPod. Check them out and if you have a suggestion for something new I might like, please leave me a comment!

Sage Francis

Soundgarden

Alice in Chains

Doomtree

Lyrics Born

Type O Negative

Horrorpops

Atmosphere

Aceyalone

Murs

Aesop Rock

Static X

System of a Down

Buck 65

Tool

Johnny Cash

Nine Inch Nails

Anjulie

Audioslave

Bad Acid Trip

Gorillaz

Beyonce (*snicker*)

Bjork

Tricky

PJ Harvey

Massive Attack

Portishead

Blackalicious

Bloodhound Gang

Qwel

Blue October

Bush

Busdriver

Saul Williams

Non-prophets

Cake

Collective Soul

The Cure

The Cult

Guns N Roses

Stone Roses

Flobots

Gift of Gab

Incubus

Korn

Marilyn Manson

Lacuna Coil

Live

Machine Head

Subtle

Doseone

Pantera

Pharcyde

Pink

Prodigy

Radiohead

The Roots

Seven Dust

Slipknot

Anticon

Sneakerpimps

Soul Coughing

Eels

Spacehog

Tears for Fears

Toad the Wet Sprocket

Tori Amos

Ani DiFranco

A Tribe Called Quest

Typical Cats

Visionaries

Living Legends

2Mex

Awol One

311

All American Rejects

B. Dolan

Dead Milkmen

Lords of Acid

This is not everything, but a lot of it. Check it out, make some recommendations. I like all kinds, even weird stuff like Ween (those guys are hilarious!).