OMG!!!

Ok... I'm extremely happy

I can't believe that the man that I would kick to flirt with back when I was 16, cuz I liked him, likes me, and wants to marry me and I am ACTUALLY going to marry him.  I can't believe that he wants to marry me after everything that I've put him through and after everything I've been through.  He knows all I've been through, both good, bad and ugly.  He knows so much about me that the fact he WANTS to marry me (in and of itself) freaks me out.  I can't believe that I actually have my BA in anything, let alone English ( though it was ALWAYS my strongest subject).

The fact that GOOD things are coming about has me so freaked out that I have NO fucking idea how to act.

I love him.  I really do. Despite the fact that I have my own version of cold feet, he still wants to marry me. I'm glad. But then my doubts take over. How in the world can ANYONE really love ME!!!! Seriously.... I am a bitch. I'm a cunt. I'm fucking bi-fucking-sexual for Christ sake. Yet he loves me.  I've been sexually abused.  I have "daddy issues" and my biological mother is a bitch who any sane person would hate.  I love her though, none the less.  She's the female version of Peter Griffin.  Don't just take my word for it, my friends agree.  She doesn't know better than to act the way she does.  Though ignorance is rarely an excuse, I allow it for her.  She is the woman that is half responsible for my presence on this planet.  By horrid biological father is the other half.  My loving honey is one of the reasons that I haven't done something stupid...

But I'm freaking out!!! Who knew that I could get my bachelors in anything?  Who knew that someone would actually marry me?  Who knew that I could accomplish anything that I set my mind to?

I couldn't, I can't.... I'm freaking out

Then I'm wondering why in the world is CR and his friends not showing up in all the usual places.  NONE of them were at the Aesop Rock show.  None have been at the bar on any of the occasions I've been since October.  October was the last time I talked to CR.  I don't care what's goin on with CR but at the same time, it's really weird that they would all suddenly NOT show up at underground hip-hop shows and the bars that they ALL used to run.  This, however, is contrary to what I knew prior to meeting any of them.  Prior, I would go to Cave's and would not meet any of them.  How am I sure you ask? Cuz Tito is a mixed dude with a 'hawk, that's how.  So not seeing any of them at the bar is really fucking weird.  I don't mind the calm, but not seeing any of them is just beyond weird!  It's like going to work every day and then suddenly your boss isn't coming in and the only explanation you get is they're on a different shift, but really they're not cuz you rotate shifts and see that they are never there.  It makes me worry, especially after the last time I ran into any of that crew.  One person told me that don't give two shits what happened to CR and the other told me they were more worried about CR then they were about their speed habit.  I'm not really worried about CR, but I don't want him & his friends avoiding where they would like to hang out (cuz that's where drinks are cheapest and closet to where any of them live) because of me.  I know I have a HUGE ego but not like that.

Ok, I'm much more comfortable that things are going well for me.  I'm really  not used to things going well for me.  If you've read some of my old blogs, you know that not everything has been easy.  But I know that we're all due good things eventually.  I can only hope that those old nightmares will NEVER come true.  That way I can have my "happily ever after" and still live in reality.

Please pray for us.  I know that sounds weird coming from me, however, I am a praying individual.  Please pray for us, especially if you know our complete situation

Weird Nights Will Only Get Weirder

As the count down to the end of the semester and the inevitable talk continue, things are getting weird around my boyfriend's apartment. The cat tonight thought it was cool to run around for almost the entire night like a crazed fool, stomping on my foot a couple of times. You would think an 7.5 lb cat wouldn't hurt running over your foot, but it does at Mach 5 speeds, trust me. The bf was in a weird mood and played his game all night as I sat on the couch, lonely, well sort of. I was chatting online with my multitude of wonderful friends, both in the real world and in the virtual world. I was also texting B (if you read my WordPress blog, you know who I'm talking about). Anyways, I was looking at a couple of pics from back when we dated briefly when I was in the Army and then the one from when he came to see me, and specifically me, for his 21st birthday. That was a surprise for sure. You know that day was the first time we ever kissed and we'd already known each other for 7 years? That's just crazy. I also can't believe what I'm sharing with all of you. I'm not posting this link for the masses, just my regular readers will see this.

Back to the pics and my thoughts... So I was looking at the pics, along with others from school and my party days, and started remembering that one night. B had come over and we just sat around watching crappy prime time television and talking. As the night progressed, the sitting got closer and before long, a sweet kiss was shared... So as I lay in my twin size bed, at my mom's after a "rousing" night of sitting on my boyfriend's couch trying to amuse myself while he played his stupid game, I got to thinking. I even wrote up a list of topics to talk with him about when we have the talk. I think it's only fair to see where he stands before I just cut things off. I know, though, what his answers will be and expect that the conversation will be the end of the relationship for once and all. No, I'm not going to immediately "hook up" with B. I plan on making sure that we're just as close as we were before and then on top of that I need to get my stupid head on straight. I just can't tell my bf "Hey, I don't things are going anywhere so I'll see you around." That's rude, plus we have 3+ yrs together. I'm just tired of competing with video games and not being "available" enough, what ever the fuck that means. Lord knows if I went 2 hours without texting him, I would be up to no good. He can do it, no problem, though I know he's probably just playing his game or at work. Ugh!

Sorry I'm being so whiny guys. I appreciate everyone's input and honesty. I just need you guys to remind me that I need to have this conversation with my boyfriend and stick to my guns. When it does end, I need you guys to remind me why I left and why it will NEVER work. I now know who my real friends are, and know that you guys won't be telling me later that I'm "disloyal" (what ever that means).