Sad News

Seems that I have been getting a lot of sad news lately.  In August I got the dreaded call that my 17 year old cousin had passed.  I still do not have all the details, my understanding is a possible overdose.  Then on September 6th, when I went to email a friend that we were on our way back to Colorado, we had been in Texas for about 4 weeks, I found out she was dead.  It was apparent suicide, and that's another blog post that has proven very difficult to write, but needs to be.  Today, I got a call from my friend that I gave my ferrets to that Polar Bear has passed away.  I gave my ferrets to her because we're moving to Germany, and at the time we were supposed to move to Germany in early September.  She was moving to Tennessee and had the space and the love to care for my babies.  Polar Bear was at least 6 years old, according to his vet, and I just did not feel right putting him the belly of a plane for 14+ hours, even with his buddy Juliet.  With his passing, I know that I did the right thing.  He lived out his last days with kids, playing and having a good old time.  Even today, before he passed, he had been running around being his silly self.  My friend put the babies in their cage so they could eat, and while they ate Juliet started making a ruckus.  They did the usual "Juliet, we're trying to eat" but she just would not stop.  So her adoptive daddy went to the cage and he was gone.

Polar Bear lived a long life for a ferret.  He even out lived his cage mate, Sable, by two years.  In ferret time, that's like us outliving our spouse by 20+ years.  He had many friends and fans.  His friends were all small children and he would let them lift him by his tail, pet his head just a bit too hard, and handle him probably a bit too roughly, and he LOVED every second of it.  He enjoyed all of his time with anyone that would pay him attention.  He touched many lives, especially mine.  He's now over the Rainbow Bridge, dookin it up with his mate, Sable, again.  He really did mourn her when she left us so suddenly December 17, 2010.  She was only 2, but he had bonded with her as if they had been together for decades.  He moped and would not eat at times, pining away for her.  But Polar Bear and I got passed her death together and he helped me deal with my brain being wired funny.  I know Juliet will miss him, but she was a lone ferret before him and she will be ok without him.  Polar Bear thrived on having a companion.  Juliet is apparently already dancing and playing again, though I'm sure her heart is hurting.

They say death comes in threes, I think this is my 3 for now.  I'm still grieving pretty heavily for my friend.  She was my very first friend in Colorado, but like I said, that's a post for another day.  But I think right now, I'm ok for my big move.  Yep, think I'll be ok.  Soon, you, my faithful reader, will hear my thoughts on suicide and the military since my friend was a soldier.  I am going to make a concentrated effort to write much more because I've found it very therapeutic.  Plus, I write better than most of those selling books on Amazon for Kindle at 99 cents each.

Just an Update

Well, I'm pretty much settled here in Colorado.  For the most part I'm loving it.  There are things I miss about Texas, like my nieces and nephew.  I miss my friends, but I don't miss most of it, like the drama.  I've got my first of what will end up being many doctor appointments.  I'd normally not go and just tough it out, but I've promised many people that I'd go.  I know that I need to have the ol' brain examined.

Things are good between B and I for the most part.  I think most of any issues we may have stem mostly from my guilt over what happened 10 years ago.  I've really got to forgive myself and move on.  You add in that I'm so far from all I know and am not used to change.  This makes for a sometimes moody Christina.  I cried for the first time today.  I miss the kids more than anything.  I'm scared.  Between my health issues that aren't straight up in the forefront (which makes them easy to forget about at times) and the impending deployment, I'm at a bit of a loss.  I'm used to predictability.  I go by statistics, yet here the statistics aren't proven or solid.  There are too many variables that can affect the outcome of any of it.

I'm making some friends and that's good.  I don't know where everything is here yet though.  I'm also used to being treated like pure shit by men and so I've got my own ways of trying to sabotage a perfectly good thing with words.  Gotta love when you do that...  Man, I swear, I over think things and I make them sound way worse than they really are.  I know one thing I will NOT be saying to the doctor tomorrow, and that is about all my emotional issues.  If they get that info from my medical records at UTA, so be it, but I'm not volunteering that info.  They don't need to know what I used to deal with emotionally since that has no relevance or bearing on what is going on now.  I do know that I do get kinda upset thinking about my own time in the Army being around all these soldiers though.  That is complicated and this blog is not the place for that story.  I'm just glad that I have a couple of outlets for any of my military frustrations, especially at Army Spouse Life.  I still can't talk openly about my frustrations with my own military time.  I just deal with that in my own mind.

I'm just glad that I have B.  You know, even though we've had a couple of weird incidents (one is completely on B, the other completely on me), we're doing well.  I mean, we can sit on the couch and just watch tv and look at each other and it makes things better.  He had a bad day today and yet, looking at me put a smile on his face.  I was just in a mood though today.

Well, I'll definitely be posting what the doctor says and periodic posts on what is going on with that.  I know you guys will be there for me.

From my MySpace Blog

I've been sooooooo busy. Between graduating college, getting married, and now packing for the big move some time soon, I haven't been writing as much. Plus, many of my poems are just rehashes of the same happy sentiments over and over again, no problem with that though :)

I will be posting a list of things for sale in a bulletin soon. I'm not sure if anyone will want any of it, but who knows. I'm going to miss all my Texas friends and family, but I cannot wait to start married life. I feel so lucky to have my honey and after reading through so many journals, poems, random writings, and bits of paper that I've had packed away from over the years, my honey has been that rock over the years. Some of what I've read has upset me, brought back old pains, but has shown me how much I've grown over the years. Some of you have personally seen this growth, others just know me as I am now. I have not always been the rock that many of you see today, especially after some of the things I've read. There were so many entries of how depressed I was or who I was dating at the time or who I was allowing to use me as a doormat. The fact that I made it through all the abuses, the assaults, the drunken stupidity in one piece is a testament to the fact that I am a strong person and have learned from my mistakes, trails, and experiences. I think the most difficult entries to read were those from the 2001. What I went through then can only be compared to the darkest moments of my childhood. I don't remember most of that and I count myself blessed that I don't.

Why then do I keep the old journals? My plan is to use those later as a way to, as accurately as possible, compile my autobiography in hopes of reaching out to young women, and even men, who have gone through some of the same things. I will continue to live by my policy that bad experiences are no excuse for bad behavior.

I love my sweetie, and I miss him something awful. Be safe out there and if you're Arlington side, you need to see me before I leave state.