The Storm

There’s an ache in my soul

Driven by the pain we share

Whatever is driving us apart

Is breaking my soul in two

Driving into the rocks of despair

How did it get to this place?

Pin pointing the moment

It all fell apart

Seems to be just out of reach

No lifeboat to be seen

Tell me how we can fix this

To bring things back

To the beginning

When things were fresh

Like the spring streams

I want back my friend

The one who guided me through

The darkest of my days

But the mast has broken in two

The sails not catching

There’s a silence prevailing

Like the El Nino winds

And the downpour is flooding

My heart, breaking the levees

I want the calm

That settles after the storm

Not the one foretelling

The disastrous damage

Sad News

Seems that I have been getting a lot of sad news lately.  In August I got the dreaded call that my 17 year old cousin had passed.  I still do not have all the details, my understanding is a possible overdose.  Then on September 6th, when I went to email a friend that we were on our way back to Colorado, we had been in Texas for about 4 weeks, I found out she was dead.  It was apparent suicide, and that's another blog post that has proven very difficult to write, but needs to be.  Today, I got a call from my friend that I gave my ferrets to that Polar Bear has passed away.  I gave my ferrets to her because we're moving to Germany, and at the time we were supposed to move to Germany in early September.  She was moving to Tennessee and had the space and the love to care for my babies.  Polar Bear was at least 6 years old, according to his vet, and I just did not feel right putting him the belly of a plane for 14+ hours, even with his buddy Juliet.  With his passing, I know that I did the right thing.  He lived out his last days with kids, playing and having a good old time.  Even today, before he passed, he had been running around being his silly self.  My friend put the babies in their cage so they could eat, and while they ate Juliet started making a ruckus.  They did the usual "Juliet, we're trying to eat" but she just would not stop.  So her adoptive daddy went to the cage and he was gone.

Polar Bear lived a long life for a ferret.  He even out lived his cage mate, Sable, by two years.  In ferret time, that's like us outliving our spouse by 20+ years.  He had many friends and fans.  His friends were all small children and he would let them lift him by his tail, pet his head just a bit too hard, and handle him probably a bit too roughly, and he LOVED every second of it.  He enjoyed all of his time with anyone that would pay him attention.  He touched many lives, especially mine.  He's now over the Rainbow Bridge, dookin it up with his mate, Sable, again.  He really did mourn her when she left us so suddenly December 17, 2010.  She was only 2, but he had bonded with her as if they had been together for decades.  He moped and would not eat at times, pining away for her.  But Polar Bear and I got passed her death together and he helped me deal with my brain being wired funny.  I know Juliet will miss him, but she was a lone ferret before him and she will be ok without him.  Polar Bear thrived on having a companion.  Juliet is apparently already dancing and playing again, though I'm sure her heart is hurting.

They say death comes in threes, I think this is my 3 for now.  I'm still grieving pretty heavily for my friend.  She was my very first friend in Colorado, but like I said, that's a post for another day.  But I think right now, I'm ok for my big move.  Yep, think I'll be ok.  Soon, you, my faithful reader, will hear my thoughts on suicide and the military since my friend was a soldier.  I am going to make a concentrated effort to write much more because I've found it very therapeutic.  Plus, I write better than most of those selling books on Amazon for Kindle at 99 cents each.

I have no room to talk but.........

I have no room to talk but if you are going to say the trauma in your life has shaped you into the confused, fucked up, overly emotional person you are today, please, for the love of all that is holy, make sure that the only trauma in your life is NOT your momma not lovin you enough!  Unless you've gone through MULTIPLE sexual abuses, followed by physical abuse, followed by being stalked WHILE being abused by one of your parents, WHILE being sexually abused still, followed by physical abuse, followed by bullying, followed by adult rape.... oh yeah, this doesn't even cover it..... yet I still act like a sane, rational human while in public.  The only person that has to deal with my regressions is my husband, who is the 2nd most patient human you've ever met, only trumped by my step-dad (who I call Dad), because he is the only person that I TRUST enough to act like this.  I CHOOSE to act like an ADULT in public.  If you are acting like a 3 year old while in public and are my age than maybe you should seek therapy.  I sought it, only because I wasn't acting my AGE in PRIVATE.  I got a grip a long time ago and I'm so sick of seeing people around my age say that DUE to abuse they went through they are sad fucks with no potential.  HELLO! You only had Mummy hit you ONCE with a brush or a rolling pin, get the fuck over it!

To those that don't understand abuse... don't worry, you grew up adjusted and probably HELPED those that were being abused in so many ways overcome what they were going through (Jenny, you helped me growing up more than you'll ever know).  And even those who may have been going through less but still abuse, you helped those going through worse than you.  I know when we were all younger we didn't talk about what was going on at home, but we kind of all knew who was going through hell and who wasn't.  We all affected each other in such great ways, even the bullies helped you develop.  So those who try to say they are weak and feeble for what they went through, go ahead and just off yourself because you obviously have ZERO strength and will die after a paper cut of reality anyways, so finish it.  Do you know after all I've gone through how many times I've attempted suicide? ZERO! Yeah, you heard that right, I've attempted suicide ZERO times.  Do you know why?  Because I knew that suicide is a cowards way out and running away was way easier

Ok, my points have ran out and I'm sure Ive pissed off some folks, good, life goes on

Things that I Hate (cuz I'm in a bad mood & from a Facebook Status)

Things I hate: totally congested sinuses, people belittling married women without children, ear infections, not answering emails sent over social media when the other person can see you have spent massive amounts of time online since the email was sent, people with kids not wanting to be around people without kids, narrow minded bigots, hormones, zombies...

... people thinking any part of a vague status such as this one is about them and then makes a scene in the comments, people that think every comment people make on Twitter is about them, paranoid freaks, Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber fans (except Kellie), malt liquor, the Saw movies, the bubonic plague, dog farts, the smell of my neighbors' cigarette smoke in my condo, mayonnaise, sour cream, people who think their spouse going on a week long business trip is the same as my husband being deployed, passing a semi-trunk of Fountain Blvd...

... people who say they're fat when really they need to gain weight, fat people that dress like they're skinny, finding ferret poop on the carpet though I've watched their every move, politicians trying to convince people that the other side is completely wrong, marshmallows unless they're in cereal, liver and onions, mustard, people believing a known liar when they come to them with a rumor, He-Man, girlie things...

... a limp dead-fish handshake, the smell of vinegar, people who make horrific accusations about things they have no clue about and without getting all the facts, most strippers, the lack of alcohol & smokes in cartoons now, Disney remakes of classics, the spin off movies from Disney classics like the Tinkerbell movies *shudder*, people who are convinced that their parents treated one of their siblings better than them when in reality they were the one being "spoiled", pick pockets, video games with absolutely NO controls tutorials at the very beginning, self-righteous hypocrites...

... anyone who believes an eye for an eye, eye boogers, bloody noses, the sheer ignorance of the general public, main stream media (for the most part), incompetent bastards, being so far from my nieces and nephews, being so far away from my husband, the changes to all my fave toys from the 80s, jokes that go over my head, people who claim that they never get sad or upset, people who constantly tell me how strong I am, cinnamon flavored candies...

I'm sure I can add to this later