I have no room to talk but.........

I have no room to talk but if you are going to say the trauma in your life has shaped you into the confused, fucked up, overly emotional person you are today, please, for the love of all that is holy, make sure that the only trauma in your life is NOT your momma not lovin you enough!  Unless you've gone through MULTIPLE sexual abuses, followed by physical abuse, followed by being stalked WHILE being abused by one of your parents, WHILE being sexually abused still, followed by physical abuse, followed by bullying, followed by adult rape.... oh yeah, this doesn't even cover it..... yet I still act like a sane, rational human while in public.  The only person that has to deal with my regressions is my husband, who is the 2nd most patient human you've ever met, only trumped by my step-dad (who I call Dad), because he is the only person that I TRUST enough to act like this.  I CHOOSE to act like an ADULT in public.  If you are acting like a 3 year old while in public and are my age than maybe you should seek therapy.  I sought it, only because I wasn't acting my AGE in PRIVATE.  I got a grip a long time ago and I'm so sick of seeing people around my age say that DUE to abuse they went through they are sad fucks with no potential.  HELLO! You only had Mummy hit you ONCE with a brush or a rolling pin, get the fuck over it!

To those that don't understand abuse... don't worry, you grew up adjusted and probably HELPED those that were being abused in so many ways overcome what they were going through (Jenny, you helped me growing up more than you'll ever know).  And even those who may have been going through less but still abuse, you helped those going through worse than you.  I know when we were all younger we didn't talk about what was going on at home, but we kind of all knew who was going through hell and who wasn't.  We all affected each other in such great ways, even the bullies helped you develop.  So those who try to say they are weak and feeble for what they went through, go ahead and just off yourself because you obviously have ZERO strength and will die after a paper cut of reality anyways, so finish it.  Do you know after all I've gone through how many times I've attempted suicide? ZERO! Yeah, you heard that right, I've attempted suicide ZERO times.  Do you know why?  Because I knew that suicide is a cowards way out and running away was way easier

Ok, my points have ran out and I'm sure Ive pissed off some folks, good, life goes on

The Email Exchange

So the friend I deleted's wife sent me an email through my friend's MySpace account, this is the exchange.  I will note that I never finished reading the email I received as I couldn't stand the grammar and spelling.... Here it is, please tell me I wasn't too harsh:

The email I received:

hi this is aunna im sorry to be wrighting u im sure ull erase this and not read it but thats ur choice..... any ways on the situation about u comming is not a good ideal at this time there are things going on that im not going to explain to u thats between me and my husband if he wants to tell u then so be it ............ any ways my trust level with steven is at a -100 ok .      it would be better if ur husband was comming it would be a better situation for us   and yes that is respect and its not bull shit  thats respect my husbend is trying to show me to re build my trust with him its a long process and im so sorry that its an inconveance to u but thats the way life is. im sure u would understand  if u lost trust w/ur hubby  theres just situations u cannot put ur spouce in when ur trying to fix somthing that has been shaddered ,may be later on in a year or so it wouldent be a problem for u to show up im just saying theres no reson to remove some one when u havent even asked what the prob is or ask why the visit is not recominded at this time. it makes me feel and think theres more to this visit than meeting me and kids for u to act that way and just wright steven off without knowing the details  and yes it would probly have been more respectfull if u would have written me and asked about a visit i would all ways respect the oppesets spouce in any situation like if we were to come there steven would respect ur marrage and talk to ur husband about it sence there was a relation ship between the two of u and if u dont under stand what im saying then so be it ..... but that did hurt my husbands feelings how u just wrote him off  and a true freand would ask why and not just wright u off.  its no skin off my back if u keeped us deleted but for my husband i just wanted u to know that how u did it with wrighting him off was BS and if there was more to this visit than just meeting the family then donot readd us or him to anything because thats how it seems to me.

My response:


Aunna (sorry if I misspelled your name) I don't care WHAT the excuse is.  I remember when I was with my ex and Steven had to "sneak" to call me because he was afraid you would be mad and you weren't even married.  I'm not a threat.  My fuckin husband is in Afghanistan or he would be with me.  I didn't even read all the email as I can NOT read such poor spelling and grammar.  It gives me a severe headache and I'm sorry, I have more important things to do than give myself a headache due to someone who can't use the built in spell check that comes with your browser and computer.  I deleted both of you because I cannot be friends with someone that I can't have contact with because their significant other doesn't trust them with a long time friend.  Sadly, this means that I have to hurt my long time friend who has been there when no one else was, even if my spouse was practically dead when I thought no one else was there.  Sure, I wasn't married to him then and in a relationship with someone else at the time, but Brandon, my husband and best friend, has always been there, even after I CHEATED on him in 99.  Yeah, if ANYONE has a reason to distrust someone, it would be my spouse.  I don't know what y'all are going through, and honestly at this time I don't care.  I only wanted to see y'all and meet YOU because I knew you had an issue with his friendship with me since the get-go.  My husband could die at the hands of a terrorist any day at any time and at no control of anyone because there are people out there that hate this country.  My biological father (Steven can tell you about what a louse he is) just got transferred to the prison in Snyder and I would have to go through Lubbock to get back to Colorado.  I NEVER, in a million years, thought there would be an issue with meeting in public to meet y'all.  And to be perfectly honest, it's not a respect thing.  No, it's a control thing on your part.  My husband actually encourages me to hang out with my male friends while he's away because he knows they are ONLY friends and that's with me cheating on him!  Yeah, take that in, swallow it, digest it, and shit it out.  I'm sorry that y'all are going through things, but from where I stand, it's been going on since I started dating my ex and that was over 4 years ago!  

And despite the anger and hurt I feel, I hope that you can work through what ever it is that y'all are going through and can have a happy and long marriage.

Peace, love, and blessings (despite the very negative feelings I'm feeling towards EVERYONE right now)

Christina WILKS (haven't been a Dunaway in 8 months)

Please mind the back story.  I've known Steven since 2001.  We did date, briefly, in 01 and again in 05.  I really don't count 05 since nothing ever happened and well, I kinda knew nothing was going to happen.  However, Steven was always there when Brandon couldn't be there via phone or email.  When I asked to come visit THEM, I even said in public.  I did not ask to see just Steven.  I didn't make any suggestion that B was going to be there.  I specifically said, multiple times that B was deployed on Facebook and MySpace.  I'm pissed even more than I was earlier, starting this morning than I was when Steven told me that I couldn't see them when I asked if I could meet them on my way back to Colorado.  Please, tell me I was wrong or right so that I can stop beating myself up over deleting him, but I am pretty much sure I was right.  I still haven't finished the email as I really can't finish the first few lines.


Thanks for listening!

Not Happy (warning, there is cursing)

If you read my blog on my baby sister, you knew part of the situation.  Well dad talked with them (baby sis & BIL) the other night and BIL brought out a 7 page "list" of grievances about my mother.  I will not repeat most of it, as it is all pure lies and misrepresentations of the truth.  However, my name is brought up many times in the 7 page discourse.  If I ever see that BIL, I'm punching him in his face.  How can someone so intelligent, be so dumb? (Wait, hasn't my dad said that about me?)  Anywho, basically it boils down to, my baby sis is a lying sack of dog dung and her husband is blind as a bat to believe every word she says.  You put the two together and my mom is accused of everything from being suicidal (constantly) to an abuser, both physically and sexually!!!  Yeah, not happy.  Well dad read their grievances and told them straight up that it was false.  If only I could have been a fly on that wall!!!!  I knew for years that my sister misrepresented reality in her own mind, but I did not realize how truly delusional she truly is until I read the paper BIL typed up.  I mean it's worse than ever!  He even included a list of signs of an abusive personality and said they all were mom (actually, they are all my baby sis)... If it wasn't for Alexia, I'd march over to their home & beat the living shit out of BIL.  

In addition, apparently, I'm the favored child!  Since my BFF & my middle sis planned, paid for, and threw me a graduation and bachelorette party at my parents' home.  They said mom did it!  Talk about two women who are mad!  Mom even said she had nothing to do with either.  My middle sis planned my graduation party and my BFF planned my bachelorette party.  The only thing mom did, besides clean up the house and do a little of this and that, was let us use the house.  Shit, baby sis was even at my bachelorette party and heard that Lauren did it all!  In the list of grievances, they said one of the reasons they did not come to the family gathering/birthday party for me, was they did not want to attend another event where I was praised and my baby sister was excluded.... BITE ME!!!  I do not have it in me to politely put that.  I can't think of a way to express my anger over that without using cuss words and throwing a fist.  I'm fuming.  My baby sis was ALWAYS the favored one.  Sure we never got parties growing up, but my parents did everything for her, they even admit it, especially after Alexia was born.  I FINALLY graduate college, so I want to have the family together to celebrate.  I FINALLY get married, so I want a bachelorette party for my friends to celebrate that.  WTF is wrong with that????  I can't help it the damn bitch never went to college.  I can't help it, she doesn't have the balls to put together her own family get togethers to celebrate her.  Shit, the "birthday" party was more family gathering than party.  We, as a family, wanted to get together and just hang out.  That's part of what is wrong with American culture.  Families don't get together enough and just be together.  I cannot believe they want to use my good fortune as an excuse to be assholes to everyone that's ever done good by them!!!

I'm fuming... I'm raving mad... I want to take a baseball bat upside BIL's head and knock some sense into his fucking brain.  I'm sorry that this is not more diplomatic, as I try to be when I talk about such things, but I'm so mad I could spit fire!

Thanks for listening guys, all these years, whether on here or on MySpace, LiveJournal, and DiaryLand.