It's Been a Hot Minute

Once again I've neglected this blog, and I do apologize.  Life in Germany has been something... special.  If my poetry I posted earlier this year is any indication, there have been some troubles.  I won't publicly discuss the happening in April, but I'm ok with what happened, and boundaries have been set.  (If you know, you know)

Since being in Germany, I've visited a few places, but not nearly enough.  I finally left Germany earlier in July.  I spent a week in Amsterdam, camping on the east side of town at a place called Camp Zeeburg.  I absolutely LOVED it!  I pitched my tent right by the water and was greeted in the morning by the birds, and one morning a spider.  I explored Amsterdam by foot and public transit, and rode a Dutch style bike (cruiser bike) through a park in Zeeburg.  The entire experience was both spiritually uplifting and physically invigorating.

Waterfront near Zeeburg

What I haven't expressed in this blog, as it's been crazy around these parts, is my shift back to paganism.  Don't preach at me, cuz I will and have out debated both sides of the argument for years.  Anywho!  When I say that Amsterdam was a spiritual trip I am not lying.  Since being in Germany I have found that the old gods are here like you would never believe and I know where our fairy tales come from and why they were written the way they were.  The sight of ravens gathered on snow is one of the most amazing sights you will ever see, if you're not afraid of birds.  Snow weighing down boughs of trees as the sun dances off them is moving.  The entire world is different in those moments.  I'm also in a part of Germany that, way way long ago, was the intersection of the Norse and Celts.  I can tell you that makes for some interesting experiences.  Needless to say, you can't just assume something you are dealing with is one of the things you dealt with back in the States.  You have to research.

I also have had the privilege of meeting some wonderful people who've helped me grow spiritually, both my gifts and my heart, here and I'm so thankful.  Before leaving Colorado, I had the wonderful opportunity to be gifted a few tarot decks and they have helped tremendously in figuring out what I'm dealing with.  I've learned that "evil" is relative and is about perception.  You really have to flex your sensing "muscles" before banishing anything, but always have your guards up.  I've learned the art of wards in a way I never thought possible in Texas.  I've discussed before, maybe not here, the craziness that is Texas on a spiritual level, and this is totally different.  Maybe one day I'll tell the story of how I met Loki or how I met Morrigan back in Texas all those years ago, but I won't go into that now or into the fey, alfar, and elementals that are around here.

I have plans this weekend to visit Rothenburg and in September I'm planning on going to Romania.  I've decided that camping through Europe is the best way for me to go.  Not only is it WAY cheaper than hotels and hostels, but you get to commune with nature, the old trees and waterways that make up the stories we were told as small children, in a way you would never experience staying in a brick and motor building.  When I go to Rome, I've already found a beach front camping site I will use.  Thanks to my experience in Amsterdam, I'm no longer apprehensive of staying near water.  I've learned a way to keep water spirits, which in my experience are the most likely to be nasty and/or evil things.  I can't wait to be on that beach near a city I only fantasized about in Latin class 16 years ago.  To be near a place that is ancient, but no where near as ancient as places just south on the other side of the Mediterranean.

I could go on in length about the beauty that surrounds me, and I will probably go on ad nauseum in future post about just that.  I'm in awe.  My camera can not capture the essence of what I see, even if I had a fancy DSLR.

One last note before I close this post:  I have finally found myself in a position as a leader of a spiritual group.  When I was young, I always knew I had the potential for something like that; however, as I got older, I became lackadaisical, but also apprehensive about being a leader other than in the work place.  I'm afraid I'll give bad information or scare people off with some of my more controversial ideas, i.e. evil being relative and all the fey/alfar stuff, oh and chaos magic and practices.  However, I'm finding that, despite my social issues, people respect me and listen.  This is truly humbling and makes me take pause at exactly what I say and not just pop off with whatever comes to mind.  I also make sure to point out that what I'm saying is unverified personal gnosis (UPG in future posts) so that those I'm talking to know that, though it is my personal experience, there is no historical evidence, at the moment, to verify my beliefs.  I think much of what we call dogma, though one can show passages here and there to prove one's point, is UPG since many ancient, holy texts have repeatedly been mistranslated or the parts people use are taken wholly out of context.  I'm so blessed to live this experience.  And the best part is, B almost literally pushes me out of the house, forcing me to face my fears and social anxieties to overcome them and experience my dream like I would never do before.  I'm finding that I can actually be alone and be happy.  I give that all to him, and a really good friend I met here.

Concerts, Military Moves, and Aspergers

If you don't know, I have Aspergers.  Was finally officially diagnosed about a month into therapy for my PTSD.  When trauma happens in childhood, it can be hard to distinguish between the two.  However, it happened.  The military doesn't have record, and that has helped with our move overseas.  I'm glad, I had a hard enough time with my neuro and GI to get there.  My life long dream has been to be an astronaut and live in Europe, so moving to Germany meets half of that.

So how do concerts fit in?  Well if you know ANYTHING about Aspergers, you know it is on the Autism spectrum and one of the big things is sound.  One thing that has always put me at odds with myself is that if loud noises are music then I'm ok, especially in a concert setting.  I won't get into the almost fight I got into tonight, just that I miss moshpits, they let out a lot of aggression a lot of us Aspies feel, but I have to say there is a big difference between music being super loud and you expect it, and sudden loud sounds.

This move has me so discombobulated that I have even a harder time focusing.  It's become so bad that I let laundry slide for almost 10 days (and even though there are only 2 of us, we produce 2 loads in 4 days!) and slipped up on sweeping.  I hate that this move has me so all over the place that I can't focus more than someone with ADHD and something else that makes you not able to do more than one task at a time and then forget what the next task is.

Aspergers shades everything.  It's always shaded my social interactions, and moving to a completely different culture and the Americans, my supposed brethren, is my biggest hurdle.  I've lived in Colorado, surrounded by military spouses, for almost 3 years, and I can count my friends on less than 2 hands.  And my very first friend here committed suicide 2 months ago on the 14th.  *le sigh* Seriously, I'm so scared of making friends in Germany with American women that I have slacked on my household duties.  I'm freaked out.  I seriously hope that I can meet some not trashy crazy chick when I get there.  Though I have ZERO qualms making friends with the Germans.  I do miss Bert.

Day 47

I just noticed I haven't posted in awhile and I'm sorry.  I've just been going about life as close to normal as I can.  I've been working out and trying to get down to weight but it seems the more I try, the more I see nothing on the scale or the tape, yet I can see that my abs are getting flatter... Oh well.  I haven't had a soda in 3 days now.  Yes, I do have a Red Bull in the morning, but hey, a girl needs her B vitamins and the caffeine!  I've been drinking LOTS of water and eating well.  Most of my diet is either vegetarian or health food.  I do treat myself to something not so good for me, but it's not all the time.  I do love me a cheeseburger on occasion lol.

I do have to say that Skype is so awesome!  Getting to see my hubby brings me so much joy and helps the days without hearing from him a bit easier to deal with.  I'm pretty sure he'll be proud of my keeping up the work out. I have say I did take a break from it when all the drama started happening but I think exercising is helping me deal with stress of it all.  I'm already seeing an improvement in my stress induced stomach issues and in the hair loss.  That is always good, but I am tired of the hair in my brush...

Well, not really much else to say, it's lunch time & I'm starved and I've got a ferret running around like a crazed loon.

Day 12 on Day 10

Today was another good day.  My neurologist appointment went well yesterday and today I went with a friend while she got a tattoo.  I also got another email from my hubby.  It was nice and made my day, though I did have to reread it several times to get it all.  I really hate when an email is all

>like this
>for each line.
>it's hard to read
>everything

So yeah, it was good to hear from him again, though he had to make some smart ass comment about my little break down Tuesday.  I swear, if I didn't know his sense of humor, I would take it as insult lol.  But I do know his sense of humor and know it was a joke.  I can even see his face if he was saying it lol.  Man, I miss him like crazy.  Which that longing for him brings me to what I wanted to talk about.

The other day I had a bit of a break down after staying up all night after I found someone's dog that I know.  A simple comment on the owner's part, on top of the fact I hadn't heard from my hubby for 5 days at that point and the Xbox died and most of my plans kept falling through combined with a lack of sleep created the hurricane of emotions I will call The Day 10 Emotional Hurricane.  Yeah, it was pretty crazy for most of the day for me.  I did calm down after much talking with many wonderful ladies and finally got some sleep that night so I could make it to my appointment the next day.  I felt stupid the entire time I was having my little freak out and couldn't stand the fact I couldn't stop crying.  We're talking about a freak out almost like the one I had on my birthday when my sister told me our grandfather died while we were at the bar.  Yeah, if you were there, you know how insane that was... ANYWHO!  I felt stupid about breaking down.  For one, I knew where he's at.  Another thing was I know that none of the status updates that were pissing me off were being posted to get to me.  Those ladies are going through the same thing I am, and most aren't as stoic as I am.  I haven't cried myself to sleep once and only had one real break down.  I mean there was one night last week where my mind was wandering a bit, but I talked with just 2 of my ladies and I was fine.  Once again, I knew it was just craziness in my head.  I also know that no news is good news, yet I had my break down.  I can honestly say that lack of sleep had a direct role in that break down as the exhaustion took down my walls I've put up around that Pandora's Box full of all my emotions.

We're all human and feel so many things when our love is so far away.  I know I need to allow myself to feel some of them, but I think in all my years of self taught emotion control, I've developed a need to not express my sadness.  I still remember being told "there's no reason to cry" when I was a kid.  I had a hell of a childhood, both good & bad times, and the bad times weighed heavy on my young heart.  I am blessed that my dad said those words or I would probably still cry in public for no apparent reason.  Because of those words to me, I know when I have a real reason to cry and when I need keep myself from crying when need be in certain situations.  However, when I break down and cry, I do have a sense of regret for not being able to control it.  This is both in a response to the not being able to completely control it, but also this weird sense that, like a man, I should just push all my emotions deep, deep, deep down.  Yeah, I'm completely aware how unhealthy that is, but I can't help it.  I think the only person I will freely break down in front of sober now is B.  I would like to note though, I really think that years of being overly emotional has resulted in me not wanting to be not emotional, even in appropriate situations.  Alas, this is the reason for the shame I still feel about having a break down.

I know that we all deal with deployment differently.  I do appreciate all the comments telling me how strong I am, but I have my weak moments.  Just because you cry yourself to sleep at night does not make you weak.  That is you dealing with this.  I may not cry myself to sleep, but when I finally do cry, it gets pretty messy.  You may watch sappy love movies, and tear up missing your best friends.  I just refuse to watch any of those, even when I have mine right by my side.  Many honestly just can't handle having their love so far away.  I'm used to being thousands of miles from mine.  Everyone of us has our different ways of dealing and each one is valid in its own way.  However, I would like to note, that if ever you are having really negative thoughts, please contact me and I will talk you through it.  I have been through so many things, I can pretty much help with almost any situation.  You're not alone out there.

Well, day 12 is at a close.

Day 6

First, I'm not going to post every day about the deployment.  That would just be stupid.  However, as things come to mind I will post about what I'm going through with it.

So my hubby has now been gone 6 days.  In 6 days, I've cleaned more ferret poop than one should have to, had coffee with the ladies, have half my plans fall through, and then last night, the Xbox died!  As for good news, I've got 2 calls from him already.  The calls make my day/night when I get them.  B's safe and hot and I believe tired as well.  When he's on the phone he's more concerned that I'm ok and that things are being taken care of and I have plenty of money.  Ironically, it was right after his last call (last night) that the Xbox died.  I'm pretty sure that if it weren't for his call, I would have cried like a little baby over it.

Now, I'm starting to feel bad for saying I was going to be in Texas at a certain time and now it looks like I won't be able to go for quite some time.  I have some people pissed, others disappointed, and most understanding.  I'm sorry but bills come first and my car.  If my car doesn't work, then I can't do anything at all.  I feel bad because not only was I excited to see everyone and take the ferrets on a trip, but also because others got really excited to see me.  Ugh... What I find really irritating is the people that are pissed off aren't willing to understand that I don't have the funds and help out or if they do want to help out it's on the condition that I find someone to watch my ferrets for the duration of the trip.  I'm sorry, the ferrets are comin with me.  Would you leave your kids for a trip like that? No, you wouldn't.

Overall, emotionally, I'm doing alright.  I have my occasional upsets, but who wouldn't in this situation.  I have a pretty wide support network established both online and in the "real world".  I love how so many military wives will join together to support each other through the deployments, training, and other hardships that come our way in this life.  Not to say that civilian spouses have it easy, but the military life has its own set of issues.  I think the deployments are pretty much the worst of it though.  I can deal with training, it's usually only for a couple weeks (now that BCT & AIT are done) and the training doesn't have them in a war zone.  It's the deployment, where you go days without hearing from them, not knowing if they're safe or not, that are the hardest.

And I'd like to note some deployment etiquette for all my civilian friends out there.  Here is some things to say and not to say to a friend who's spouse or significant other is deployed or overseas:

First don't ask "are you ok?" Instead ask them how they are doing.  Obviously, they are not completely ok, but they are not sick or anything like that.  We have our rough days and our good days and asking us if we're ok can sometimes make a good day go bad.  It sounds weird, I know, but really, asking if I'm ok is just going to piss me off.  I'm not ok, I'm fine.  I won't be ok until my husband is back in my arms, but I'm fine with life and things.  I'm getting by.

Second, try your best not to whine about your SO being gone for a couple days.  Your friend with a deployed spouse will want to slap you.  Your spouse will be home shortly and is most likely even in the same country as you.  You can text and email as much as you like, but your friend's spouse goes through blackouts of internet and phone due to missions or for security reasons, and in the worse case scenarios, there has been an incident.

Third, if you hear a rumor about your friend's soldier, don't spread it.  This is the leading cause of misinformation out there.  If you see a news piece about what you think is your friend's spouse, wait until you hear something from them.  The media by law has to wait 48 hrs to publish any story about incidents and so the information you saw on the news may not be the most accurate.  If you have concerns about a news piece you saw, ask your friend if they have any news of the soldier instead of going on about what you saw in the news.  Your friend will be the first person to know anything.

I think that covers everything for now.  As things are brought to my attention I will let you know.  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.  And as always, keep all of our troops and their spouses, girlfriends/boyfriends, fiancé/fiancées, and their families in your prayers and thoughts.

And the Countdown is Real

With the long weekend comes the very real realization that deployment is immanent.  We're fixing to spend the most time together, nonstop, no work interruptions, yet.  I know it's going to be crazy and he's going to be a goofball, but I'm going to enjoy every last minute.

When you face deployment, you face many unknowns.  There are stressors on a relationship when one faces a deployment that most relationships don't face.  Those unknowns, the what-ifs, they put so much strain on things. Part of you wants to push your love away, and part of you wants to hold on and never let go.

This is our first deployment.  This is our first (and hopefully, only) marriage.  He's never lived with a woman that wasn't related to him.  I've never lived this far from home.  We were long time friends.  There were certain expectations before we moved in together, and there was also baggage.  You add in the unknowns mentioned above to that mix, and you see the stress that can be caused.  But the key, even when not facing the uncertainties of deployment, is realizing that there is a deep love there.   There is love and there is care.  There is a want that when all is said and done, things will return back to the way they were before they left to the unknown.  But who can say what will happen after that year?  Who knows what sights he'll behold?  We don't.  Those of us at home, we know our job is to be strong when the contact home, to be the support they need when things are going bad.  We are the ones who, despite what ever drama is going on here at home, we put on a smiling face when they call home, video chat on Skype, or write an email.  (The way things have changed!)  We hold down the fort and keep all the family members in the know about what we can safely share.  We are the contact that all the family leans on to know that our loved one is safe.

I'm gathering my strength.  I know that when I know the exact date he leaves, it's going to make it harder on me.  But I will have to stifle my worries.  Why?  Why should I stifle them and not lament to my husband that I don't want him to leave?  Why should I stifle my every whimper and complaint?  Because all my concerns, all my woos, are nothing compared to what he's about to face.  It's nothing compared to the the heat that will boil him during the day and the cold that will chill him at night.  It's nothing compared to the dangers he will have to maneuver and over come, with the understanding that every decision he makes, someone's life could be on the line.  How can our little issues, our measly problems be compared to the thoughts after someone on your squad was injured?  It can't.

Though I never saw battle, or anything remotely close, I know some of what must be going through his mind.  I was once in the Army and know some what how things work.  I know better than most civilians.   The only civilians that know better are those who spent more time either married to a soldier or were a soldier themselves.

As you celebrate the birthday of this great nation, thank a soldier, but also thank their spouse.

Something I Realized

Before you start jumping to outrageous conclusions about B, perceive things from his point of view.

Every time we have a good night, whether it's his family here, a night out with friends, or the ball tonight, when we get home, I start a fight.  I won't say that it is on purpose.  It's not.  But, I've never been with a man that has cared as much as him and I've never had someone hold me to my word.  So what is that we argue about more than anything?  My smoking... I said I was going to quit.  And I did, until school got too much to handle and then I picked them up heavily like... well a bad habit.  So we get on this beef about it and before you know it I'm pissed off and he's not acknowledging my side of the argument at all.  He sees it his way and I see it mine. The real issue is that I refuse to listen to his side or he refuses to listen to mine.

And tonight it started after the ball with a wrestling match, which was fun, until it got too rough for my liking... Though the key here is that I would, on another occasion, flown with the punches.  See, our interactions don't change much unless it's on an exceptionally good night...

Am I sabotaging a great thing?  Possibly... It wouldn't be the first time... I'm known for it actually... I'm pretty sure that if Gary had survived, I would have ruined that relationship as well since I don't know how to be treated right... I know too many females that allow their men to run all over them.  B doesn't do that.  Like I said, our only real issue, besides deployment, is my smoking.  Sure I've cut down drastically, I said I was quitting and haven't quit... There is a drastic difference between the two... Sigh

Why do I push him away like this? I seriously do start shit when we are having a good night... How do I stop it though?  He's leaving soon and the fighting has got to stop... It's not all the time, but it's enough that I now what I'm doing at this point.  Someone help me.  How do I keep from blowing up when he brings up that one thing that gets me extremely bothered.  Honestly, it's the smoking subject that gets me the most upset and leads to fighting... And by fighting I mean me flailing my arms about and raising my voice... Sigh